Not sure I want her home - Page 3

believer · 05-24-2008, 10:29 PM

Hi Cooper - that flu bug is going around - not fun at all. Hopefully you stay healthy because I am sure your defenses are down with all the stress in your life.
Not what else to say about how your wife is acting towards you. Sounds like she is resentful of you telling her what to do ( but sounds like she has earned that treatment from some of your stories) As you are resentful of her not pitching in around the house & putting time in with the family. I am guessing it always wasn't that way but as you both grew apart - these issues intensified.
Wish I could recommend that you work things out but again, from what you have written in past, it doesn't sound like your wife has shown any interest in doing that. Nor do you have strong feeling about working it out any more.
Do what makes you happy - don't worry about her anymore. Think about you & your kids - you've spent too much time & energy worrying & caring for others. do something for you - it feels great.
Have a super day - will check in with you again soon

Cooper · 05-26-2008, 06:07 PM

I think our marriage was good until we had kids. I always wanted kids but she had never given it much thought. When my daughter was born I saw how hard it was for my wife to be a mother, she just didn't have the care giver instinct. We decided not to have any other children. Then on my birthday in 1992 she surprised me by announcing she was pregnant, in front of her whole family. I was so upset I could hardly speak. This was something she planned, not an accident . Don't get me wrong my son is a blessing in my life and we are lucky to have him, but we had decided no more children. I felt tricked and deceived and she has continued this kind of stuff for the last 15 years. Every lie or half truth takes another little piece out of our marriage, and there just aren't many pieces left. Cooper

Cooper · 05-30-2008, 05:23 PM

Cooper here, just checking in to see whats new. Believer how are things going for you? I know you had a very upsetting mothers day after finding that dinner receipt in your husbands wallet. You
said that may have been the last straw and I'm just wondering how things worked out. You sound like a very well grounded person but that had to be an emotionally upsetting day for you. Please let me know how you are. Cooper

believer · 06-01-2008, 08:27 PM

Hi Cooper - thanks for checking in. Regarding your most previous thread about your wife surprising you about your son on your birthday. guess that will be a bday you'll never forget. Once you heard the news, did you ever ask her/remind her about your previuos conversation about not having any more kids? If so, what did she say? Or did you let it go & be the supportive "new" dad?

Do you feel that "deceit/trick" was a turning point in your marriage? Sometimes it is easier to look back in hind sight & see where we went wrong or when things started to change. But sometimes we may not be able to see it until we are out of a relationship ( or I can even relate this to my previuos job situation too. Until I was pretty much forced out _ I was going to prove to my boss that I could do it & prove him wrong - guess what I lost. But was sooo relieved when I finally left but couldn't see it at the time. Then we can look back & say "why" did we stay in it for so long?
I look at my parents relationship & wonder why are they together still. They are a still married but that is about it. Neither of my parents are happy being together & just about everyone knows it. The next time my mom comes to visit I plan to ask her why they/she stayed together? And does she regret it?

Then I look at my situation, and wonder, do I want to end up like my parents - living in a lovesless marriage & not truely being happy for the rest of my life? And the answer is no - I have plenty of good years ahead & want & originally hoped I would be spending them with my husband. I now need to decide do I stay & live unhapplily but married or leave & risk the "comfort" of marriage but be able to live a happy & full life. And God willing I meet someone down the road that I can trust ( which won't be easy for me or you) in the future & share my life with.
I know in my head what I should do - if anyone read our stories in black & white it is pretty straightforward what we should do. But there are emotions involved which are not as black & white. Also, it is taking action that is harder to do then just thinking or talking about it.
I need to meet with my therapist to help guide me on my next move. In my "hope" that this might work out differently, I have only told 2 family members. So don't have super strong support system in place at the moment.
As I mentioned in one of my responses - about the "found receipt" - I haven't even asked hime about it. Partly because I don't expect an honest answer & even if he did give me one, I would have a hard time believing. And 2nd, I have to be ready to take action on it, or otherwise, I am allowing him to disrespect me & our marriage again. And I not quite ready to end yet but ever sooo close.
I had mentioned to Swedish -that the only last resort I can possibly think of - is to ask my husband to go to therapy & find out why he lies, why does he seek out these other relationships, etc. Because if he doesn't figure it out , we will have problems again if we stay or in his next relationship. But I am not really sure if I want to or am willing to wait around for him to figure those things out. Plus, not even sure if he would go talk to anyone.

So same as before, still in limbo regarding making any final decisions, but leaning more towards ending it at this point.
What about you Cooper - are you ready to take any more actions at this point or are you still sorting through all the emotions & weighing the pros & cons of each scenario?
As usual - hope you are doing well, thanks for you concern & I'll keep you posted, as I hope you will do the same on your situation.
good nite.

Cooper · 06-04-2008, 06:35 PM

Hi Believer,
Thanks for responding. Things have been fairly quiet here at home. The wife has really backed off on her cell phone and internet use, at least when I'm around. I'm not sure what that means, either she is being much more careful or has decided to try and be a better wife and mother. There still is a great deal of tension between us but we are going through the motions of a couple. It's upsetting to think that if things don't change we may end up like your parents. I don't know how old you are but for me at the age of 47 I hope to have a lot of years left and I would like for them to be happy!
To answer your question about her decision to get pregnant, looking back one of the reasons I was so upset was the deceit. As part of a couple how can you make such a major decision on your own.
I am a lot like you when it comes to a emotional support, I only have one friend to talk to about this. He is the only one I trust not to spread the word. It's funny, my wife has talked to several of her friends about our problems and some of them have talked to me about what "I" need to do. My wife has a nack for snowballing people into believing she is super wife and mother. But some friends and family see the truth and tell her so. Her Dad and sister have had many arguments with her over how she treats our marriage.
I could write all night about different events that have gotten us to this point in our marriage and Believer I think a lot of the events and resulting emotions would be similiar to yours. We both have some very difficult decisions to make and being able to talk about them with someone going through the same thing helps. Thanks for the electronic shoulder to lean on. Cooper

believer · 06-07-2008, 10:08 PM

Hi Cooper - just checking in before calling it a night. Glad you at least have someone to lean on besides us in the forum. I recently joined a support group that I found online but we meet weekly in a face to face setting, watch vidoes on various topics & share our experiences. It is for seperated & divorced people, however, I am the only one seperated, all others are divorced or going through with one. Not sure if joining a group like that might help you sort out your feelings & help guide you in your decision making process. The group is called " Divorce Care" - just a thought.
You mentioned your wife seems to be getting better but looking from the outside in, I would have a hard time believing that she just decided to "change one day". I am usually a pretty positive person, and maybe she did, but I am a bit doubtful ( sorry).

I'm trying to get up my courage & find the right time to ask my husband to see his recent bank statements & to check his work emails. If I were to continue in this marriage & put forth any more effort - I would need to see this information to "prove" to me that there is not something going on with someone else. Any suggestions on how to approach this topic?. . .

I will direct you to ask yourself - are you happy now? is this how you want to live your life? do you think you will have regrets when you look back in 5, 10 years - if you decide to stay? If you do decide to stay - what can you do to make yourself more happy ( date nights, time for yourself, etc.).
take care & hang in there til next time

Cooper · 06-13-2008, 05:52 PM

Hi Beliver,

Well your questions are direct and easy to answer. Yes if my marriage continues as is I will regret every day I stay in it. No I am not happy with my marriage but am happy in the other areas of my life.

My wife claims my expectations are to high for anyone to live up to, yet I feel I have lowered my expectations in order to keep some sort of piece in our marriage. I ask nothing more of her than I expect of myself. Maybe that is what creates the conflict between us, she just doesn't have it in her nature to be as commited and giving as I am.
How's this for timing and an example of what I deal with. My wife has been making a big deal that we need alone time. So tonight both kids are gone and she said it's our chance to be together. As I'm setting here typing she comes in and ask if it's OK to go to dinner with a couple of her friends. Right now it's 8:41PM. I said well it's pretty late for dinner so I'm guessing you just want to go out and have drinks. She replies that yes they want to have some drinks but she would be back early. As is typical with her she tries to hide what is really going on as well as putting her friends first. I guess our together time isn't so important. So now it's "fine , if your going to be pissy about it I wont go". Another nail in the coffin of my marriage.
Cooper

believer · 06-13-2008, 11:07 PM

I think you & I need to face the fact - that we are not ever going to have the marriage we had imagined, with a fairy tale ending. At least not with our current spouses.

And as hopeful as I have been in the past, and holding onto any possible shread of hope/faith. I need to come to term with myself, that this is 95% not going to work out. I don't want to live my life with regrets and I am really to the point that I feel I have done whatever I could to save my marriage & given sooo many chances for my husband to be forthcoming & even leave if he was not happy. But he continues in his same patterns of lying. I just need to psych myself up to take the next step & take action. But being the practical person & always being prepared, I still need to do some work on my end before I let him know what I am feeling. I have a lawyer on retainer from a previous legal issue relating to my husband & I already - so it's about time I check in with her & give her the update. I also want to consult with a real estate attorney about our condo ( title, refinancing, buying out my husband, etc.) - I have no clue how that all works.
I have found from being seperated these last few months, that I am actually enjoying the time on my own & taking care of "me" again. I get things done that I need to, so when I have my kids, I can spend more quality time with them. Initially, I was scared about being on my own but it is actually liberating to know I can do it on my own & still be happy. With any change, I think anyone feels uneasy at 1st, but we adjust & move on. It helps for me to see that my children appear to be adjusting to the new family/living situation very well. ( both my husband & I were concerned about how it would affect the kids).
Cooper - you mentioned you are happy with the other aspects of your life. But why not be happy in your personal life too? Why are you sacraficing your happiness? Who knows - you might be soo relieved to not have to deal with your wife ( her lying, carelessness, selfishness, etc). You can still be happy in those other areas in your life that you are now, but also you can be happy for you!
I never thought I would be encouraging someone to seperate or get away from their spouse. I don't even know you, except from what you shared here on the forum. But you do not sound fulfilled, happy or appreciated and you deserve to have those feelings. And if you stay, I don't think you will.
Maybe this comes down to self respect? That both you & I have put other before us for so long that if feels natural to do this. I saw my mom do this throughout her life, and that is how I thought it should be.
But in our cases, it is not healthly & WE are suffering due to our choice to put others needs before our.

Cooper · 06-15-2008, 05:22 PM

Your correct on several points Believer, but the main one is the fact that we are used to putting others first. There has only been a couple very shot periods in my life where someone wasn't depending on me. I don't believe that we have a lack of self respect for ourselves though. I believe we both realize we are more capable of handling burdens than others, be it physical or emotional. So we just keep on keeping on.
One of the difficulties I have coming to terms with a divorce is the pain I would inflict on others, including my wife. My kids would come from a broken home. My sisters daughter loves my wife I think more than she loves her own mother. My sister-in-law goes through men like socks, but I have always been a constant in her kids lives. I know this is wrong for me to state this but; am I willing to remain in this marriage at the price of my own happines so as not to cause unhappiness to others? Yes. Right or wrong I will keep trying to make things work for the sake of others.
Beliver I think you are a lot like me. The decision for you to separate must have been agonizing. Maybe your husband has caused you more pain than you could bare, I guess I'm just not there yet.
Please stay in touch, Cooper

believer · 06-27-2008, 10:17 PM

HI Cooper - just checking in - haven't seen anything from you in awhile - hope things are going better for you at home. Especially as it sounds like you are not going anywhere despite your circumstances.
I'm figuring out how I am going to break it to my husband, that I don't think I can ever trust him again & that this seperation has made me more sure of my decision. Not a fun conversation to have - not looking forward to it. But if I am going to ask him to be honest with me ( even though I won't get it) - I need to practice what I preach & not lead him to believe there is a future for our marriage in my eyes. ( I think he is the hopeful one right now & makes comments like - when I move back in, etc)
Guess I might need to write him a letter & then read it to him, like I did when I asked for the seperation. That way I don't forget any important parts & can word it appropriately to explain my decision.
Wish me luck