No I have not followed her but I have thought about it many times. Russ I would like to congradulate you on your sobriety. I come from a family of drinkers and even though I started down that road myself I was able to break the cycle. Not one drink in 24 years. As long as you stay away from the next drink you to can do it. Day by day and year by year just keep adding time to your sobriety. I'm not going to wish you luck because that isn't what it takes to stop drinking. It takes absolute strength!! Be strong ! Drinking has been an issue between my wife and myself. I am to the point that I do not like being around people that drink. My wife and her friends like to go have some drinks, I no longer go along because I got tired of pretending I was having a good time. She use to respect the fact that I didn't drink now she says I'm boring. I stated above she spent a week at her parents. She told me a few of those nights she and her brother and her dad went out and had drinks. My wife is great at down playing the truth. Her brothers a major drinker and her dad is 65 going on 21. My guess is was party every night. Cooper
If you stay together for the kids - don't you think they see what is going on? And if they do ( know what is going on with Mom) - don't you think they are wondering why you are letting her treat you this way? My 2 are 7 & 2 so I can't relate to having teenagers - I am sure they would be much more outspoken and have many more questions than my little ones.
But it is often said that children ( maybe not teenagers??) are more resilent then we think. I think a lot of how you the parent present it to them, are open & not "pit" each other against each other have a huge impact on how the kids cope & adjust.
About the getting along & not fighting - As I mentioned in previous thread - I can relate to your situation now in another way. My husband & I too get along fine, no fighting & very amicable - I think it would be an easier decision to divorce if it was the yelling, screaming - I hate you situation but it's not. So could we continue to live like this & get along? - probably yes & we have been for the past 3 years - trying to figure out what went wrong & if we can work things out between us.
The "comfort" thing - yes, you have been together a long time & it would be difficult to have to start all over again. And many things in both your lives would change - not too many are eager for change when they are comfortable - most people are scared of the unknown. However, you just don't seem happy living your life the way it is - working your butt off around the house & keeping the family together while on the other hand your wife is out doing her own thing & having fun.
At least if you were on your own, all the work you are doing would be appreciated by yourself. It would be less cooking cleaning,etc ( for 1 less).
You mention hold onto what you have built - what do you mean? Are you happy with what you currently have together - besides 2 wonderful kids? If you decide to stay- I think you & your wife need to identify what in your relationship got so off track that your wife felt the need to seek companionship elsewhere? However, if your wife is not going to come clean about her speculated affair - it is going to be very hard to communicate & determine what is the underlying problem & if she doesn't see or think there is aproblem then she is not going to be probably be very receptive to any changes that need to be made.
You can stay & always wonder why did I stay? What if I didn't stay - what would have happened? But either way right now, it sounds like you are living a "lie" ( the wife lying to you or you & she lying to yourselves that you 'pretending" to be the happy family that you are not).
If you stay because of the kids, I think they will ultimately see your unhappiness & resentment - if they don't already.
Guess we can wait & hear from others about how their kids handled the situation.
Best of luck- take your time making a decision you feel right about.
Believer your are right in saying I am not happy the way things are. I know my wife has lied to me many times and I confront her when I have proof, but I always forgive and move on. We are not living a lie though, we both admit to not being happy with our marriage. If she is cheating on me then yes that is unforgivable, but overall she isn't a bad person and I'm not a bad guy. We have just developed to many differences. We have become opposites who resent each other. She belongs in an apartment, I belong on the farm. She likes a hot car, I like an old truck. I like hiking in the mountains and she likes laying on the beach for a week. The list goes on and on. We both realize that once the kids are gone we will have very little in common, it's just a matter of ending it then or now. Cooper
While this may not be a permanent solution to the problem, you may want to consider a divorce but still live together until the kids are grown. I've known a few couples who tried it and it seemed to help them but their children were already teenagers when they divorced so I don't know how effective it would have been if their kids had been much younger. Nevertheless, agreed upon rules had to be put in place in order for it to work such as no boyfriend or girlfriend coming over or staying over at the house (the home is 'sacred ground'). Also, there must be no more traces of love left over for jealousy will rear its ugly head once one or both become emotionally and sexually involved with others. Can it work for you? Maybe or maybe not but it is something that should at least be given some thought.
I can't imagine how living together unmarried would work for me. I think my wife would love it though! I am already resentful of the liberties she takes and I know she would only become less involved.
I would like to go off topic for a moment and wish all you mothers out there a Happy Mothers Day. I know any mother on this site probably has marriage issues so today may be a difficult day for you. And please if you folks havn't called your mom yet get to it! A five minute conversation can change her day for the better. Cooper
Hi Cooper - haven't been on line in awhile & wanted to check in & see how things are going.
Things on my end are not so good as of Sunday. My husband & I are currently seperated but he was over for mothers day. His wallet was on the counter so I was tempted to snoop. I found a receipt for $100++ dinner a few weeks ago & it wasn't with me. He is always telling me how much he misses me & wants to be home again (he's been out only a month so far). But obviously - he's getting some other company. My heart sank when I found this receipt. As you mentioned before, a part of you doesn't want to know the truth but another doesn't want to continue to live a lie.
I have considered confronting him about it to see what he says but hardly expect a truthful answer.
I am thinking that was the last straw for me, that he can't even give our 6 month trial seperation time to see what happens. I had been having hope all along that he had changed & really wanted to make this work. But finding that receipt was yet another sign to me that I don't know him & find it so hard to think he is capable of hurting me again. Of course, he figures I won't find out about it - so in his mind it makes it OK.
Anyways - wanted to see how you were doing -will keep you posted what happens with me.
Hi Believer, Sorry to here things aren't working out for you. You would think a seperation would be a time to reflect on whats wrong with a relationship and maybe come up with ways to save it. It sounds like your husband decided to let you do the thinking while he plays around. I think you and I are on the same sinking ship. I for one am very tired of trying to keep this boat afloat. Does your husband want to work on the marriage or does he think you are the one who has the issues? I think the question we both need to answer is are we better off with or without our spouses. I will try and check back tomorrow, please keep your head up. You deserve better than second place in your husbands life! Cooper
Hi Cooper...(great name - which happens to be the same as my one year old!)
My heart goes out to you. I always talk to my clients about 1) learning to trust their instincts and 2) what healthy boundaries look like. You're clearly very uncomfortable in your situation and it sounds like her behavior over time has a lot to do with it. Infidelity is one of the hardest things a couple can experience but it can be worked through - with a helluva lot of work. However, if there's no admission of an affair in the first place - yet your heart and gut tells you it's happening - there's little chance of moving forward and healing.
This type of behavior is not only clearly damaging to you - but the entire family. I'd wonder what other experiences you've had throughout your life where "turning the other cheek" has brought you pain. Something to chew on. Good luck to you...Lisa
Thanks for your thoughts Lisa. To answer your question about turning the other cheek I have been doing that my whole life. Not because I fear confrontation but because I know I can take more than others. I became a care giver at a young age and I am still giving to much to always make others happy. When my wife and I talk of divorce her main concern is how would she make it on her own financially. Even though I am unhappy I can't bring myself to change her life that dramatically. Sometimes I hope she will tell me she is going to move out just so the guilt won't be on me. We just keep moving through the days without resolving anything. If we hated each other things would be much eaiser. I think she could get to the point of hating me but I don't think I have it in me to hate her, even if she is having an affair. How sad is that. Cooper
While this may not be a permanent solution to the problem, you may want to consider a divorce but still live together until the kids are grown. I've known a few couples who tried it and it seemed to help them but their children were already teenagers when they divorced so I don't know how effective it would have been if their kids had been much younger. Nevertheless, agreed upon rules had to be put in place in order for it to work such as no boyfriend or girlfriend coming over or staying over at the house (the home is 'sacred ground'). Also, there must be no more traces of love left over for jealousy will rear its ugly head once one or both become emotionally and sexually involved with others. Can it work for you? Maybe or maybe not but it is something that should at least be given some thought.
They would end up married again under common law.
__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.
Not necessarily for only a few states (Alabama, Colorado, Kansas, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, and Texas) and the District of Columbia ecognize common-law marriages as described in Common Law Marriage
Quote:
Common law marriage is permitted in a minority of states. To be defined as a common law marriage within the states listed below, the two parties must: agree that they are married, live together, and hold themselves out as husband and wife. Common-law marriage is generally a non-ceremonial relationship that requires "a positive mutual agreement, permanent and exclusive of all others, to enter into a marriage relationship, cohabitation sufficient to warrant a fulfillment of necessary relationship of man and wife, and an assumption of marital duties and obligations." Black's Law Dictionary 277 (6th ed. 1990).
Before modern domestic relations statutes, couples became married by a variety of means that developed from custom. These became the elements of a "common-law marriage," or a marriage that arose by operation of law through the parties' conduct, instead of through a ceremony. In many ways, the theory of common-law marriage is one of estoppel - meaning that parties who have told the world they are married should not be allowed to claim that they are not married in a dispute between the parties themselves.
Currently, only 9 states (Alabama, Colorado, Kansas, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, and Texas) and the District of Columbia recognize common-law marriages contracted within their borders. In addition, five states have "grandfathered" common law marriage (Georgia, Idaho, Ohio, Oklahoma and Pennsylvania) allowing those established before a certain date to be recognized. New Hampshire recognizes common law marriage only for purposes of probate, and Utah recognizes common law marriages only if they have been validated by a court or administrative order.
hi cooper. i was looking over the discussions about your relationship and i can reach out and say i feel you...although i am young, and have only been married for 2 years, i too have been feeling like a single married person.
my husband works minimally bc he is in higher education, and the money he does bring in is minimal and spent on wine, and dinners out, etc. i am in my 20s and work 60 hours a week to keep our financial needs afloat and when i come home the house is a disaster and he has been watching tv, looking on the computer, and lying on the couch all day eating fast food. it's truly depressing. i dont even want to kiss him anymore much less have sex and i am scared to end up like so many before me with children added on top of the problem.
i have spent much time researching the problem, looking for therapists, and even taking a college class to learn more about our issues. when i ask him to find a therapist (just show an inkling of wanting to keep our marriage afloat) he looks at one website on the day i kicked him out of the house and then gave up, saying that we need to look together. i.e. i need to look and schedule the appointment. i am married to a child and i am 25. ahhhhh.
i dont even know what to do anymore. i am so unhappy and done with it, i dont even know if it can be saved. shouldn't we still be in some honeymoon phase?
p.s. the only time he ever shows sexual interest in me is when he's drunk. never when he's sober, and its been so long it's just insulting. i told him this a week ago and true to form this week he got drunk and tried to have sex with me and when i denied him he got mad and said he was trying, am i?
sorry to go off on a tangant. i just really feel like i relate to you after reading your stories. i am sorry you have to go through that with children as well. i am sure that makes the situation even harder. but we should both consider that life is too short to be unhappy. and you can never get it back.
Cooper here, Well today was a real joy in my marriage. Our son is sick with the flu, 103 fever, the hole nasty mess. We were suppose to go to a baseball game tonight with some other families. I told my wife last night if our son wasn't any better one of us needs to stay home with him because he is to sick to leave alone. This morning I call home around ten to check on him, wife isn't home. I call her cell and she says she is out getting gas and going to the store and a couple other stops. I told her I didn't want our son to be left alone. Of course that started a fight about how I treat her like a kid and she knows he's sick but she will only be gone an hour or so. Typical lack of respondsibility. I get home from work and tell her to go to the game I will stay home with our son. I knew she had cashed an insurance check for almost three hundred dollars so I told her to make sure she takes that money out of her purse so it doesn't get lost or stolen at the ball park. Wow did she get pissed!! She again reminded me she is 46 years old and is not stupid and is sick of being treated like a child. There was pure hate in the way she spoke those words. All I was doing was trying to get her to be careful, if I had that kind of money in my wallet and she told me to leave it at home I would of thanked her for reminding me! Then she yelled at me again because I interrupted her while she was on her cell to tell her that her dad had called on the home line and wanted her to call him back. I don't know who she was talking to but I doubt that they enjoyed the yelling in their ear. She left without even saying goodbye. Boy this is a great way to live! NOT!!!
Re: Not sure I want her home
