draconis

I've been there before, I know it is hard and getting past it is different for everyone. I pray for you.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

izz4u2mm

New here and here is my story. I too feel very empty and hollow inside. I have depression, anxiety and bi-polar so they say. I have been taking Wellbutrin (bupropion) for several months now and have never felt worse from the side effects of any other meds I have taken This one has made fell suicidal and the thought of my W having affairs on 2 occasions in the past has been haunting me to the point of not being able to accept those feelings and to the point of suicide. I did not see her or caught her having those affairs but have good reason to believe she has. Confronted her many times both in anger and in calm but will not admit it to me. Soon after one incident she suddenly told me she was pregnant and wanted a abortion just like that. Insisted to have the abortion and claimed she did not want another baby so soon..I did not and will not ever believe that!! The M I caught at my appt when I left work early unexpectantly ad he was in my house!! What was he doing there without me being there???. Made all kinds of excuses!!! Back in the late 70's abortions were not very everyday type things. It was a boy too!!!. But rather that find out it was not mine, I let her do it. I feel ashamed I let her do that now and regret it. Another time a so called friend from work started acting suspicious and was also on drugs screwing any woman he could lay his hands on. I feel he had my W too. I cannot live too much longer like this. The ugly thoughts just keep running thru my head all day long for a long period of time now and donot feel I can live any longer like this. They say to me I have to live for my children and grand children too. One hotline nurse told me everybody makes mistakes...and I have to live with it. That is a hard thing to do for me. I am at the end of my own rope...can someone help me out here because I feel I just might make a mistake over my feelings.
Help me
Manny

justean

hi, im new to this, needing some comfort myself. ppl can fire as much advise as they like but we only have ourselves to nurture . my husband had a one night stand several weeks ago. i have two children and dont know where to turn. A bit like you. but either way, life is still for living - dont take that away from your children or from yourself.as for the medication - i only take what i need to take. and if the effects of your medication far out reach the benefits then go back to your doctor to review them.
your feeling empty because life has once again thrown a spanner in the works. i have looked at a few of these threads and they are good to read. makes you feel that you are normal, even when empty. one thing i do say is trust your instincts, they usually are right. but like a few threads suggest its what you want to do in the end. it is very difficult. but in my relationship for now, my husband wants us back together - but its me that needs some time. im out with friends and smiling again. im not sure if i love my husband n e more. but you can rebuild that to. it just takes time. justean

izz4u2mm

Justean...I know you mean well in your sharing the situation you r in right now and that it is better to live and not hurt my family over my feelings but when you say you might not even love your H that is exactly my problem. I am afraid that my W might not love me anymore and I feel I cannot go on without her. How easy you make it sound . I cannot understand how a woman can just turn off the love and time , love, family, the meaning of being married etc. so easy. I always hear women say that and men on the other and go down the drain when there is a breakup!. Why do men fall apart and women just move on???. Please make me understand or let me in on a womans secret to life please. Would a woman feel the same if the W had an affair ???. I mean would you say oh well I don't love him anymore so I go out and have more fun without him???.
Come on tell me the secrete I have been missing all my life with women.
Manny

swedish

Hi Manny,

I don't think this is a man vs. woman thing. I'm a woman and am a 'go down the drain' type myself and find it very difficult to move on.

I believe in most cases, people want to feel safe and loved within their marriage. By safe I mean working toward the same goals financially, etc. but also that they have the support of their spouse and a safe place to fall when they are down.

If you are in a marriage where you feel this is very one-sided, you tend to become more distant and feel lonely. Resentment builds over time. I think most people that seem to 'just move on' have probably been harboring resentment for quite some time.

I don't know that there is any real secret to discover about women, but feeling emotionally connected to my husband, feeling loved and safe is the key for me to want to be there.

justean

hi swedish and manny, at one point or another we all go through it. please dont think me heartless. if u actually knew me . i fought tooth and nail for my marriage to work. first hubby used to hit me and then had affair. second hubby likes drink and stupid friends. so their is always more behind any situation. my feelings did not just shut down. after 13 years together and 2 children . I actually want it all. love, kisses , hugs and family time. but my hubbys one stand stand is another huge issue to have to deal with.
i go out to have fun, i think im attractive and i have to feel good about myself in someway. i go horse riding as its my get away from the norm. we all deal with issues differently. dont get me wrong i have been broken many times. but im not sitting in a hole all day if i can help it. talk to your lady and find out what she wants.
its a start.
as for me , if i bore u, im sorry. i do agree with swedish though about how a marriage can feel one sided. you fight so hard and long - you get lonely. relationships r hard work at the best of times.

Russell

Manny...
First things first, I don't know if anyone's told you this... but your broken. Don't feel bad, so am I. However, I made a concious decision to try to heal myself. I made that decision when my wife came home and told me she was having an affair and wanted to leave me. I did a 180 degree turn around. And I LOVE IT.

I have time for my child, I am more in love with my wife than ever, and I feel that she is starting to trusdst me again as well as I am starting to trust her as well. It takes time to heal from these incidents. And you must tell your wife how you feel. She is supposed to be your best friend, and if she cares about you when you tell her that you have been having suicidal thoughts, and have been contemplating suicide... then that will get her attention. Once you have her attention, you can ask her your questions. Ask her why she aborted that child and that you want the REAL reason, not that BS she fed you. Personally, be ready for your fears to be confirmed.

However, if you want change in her, first you have to change yourself. Like I said, your broken, and you have to fix yourself.

I don't pray for anyone for I don't feel there is a God. However, I do send my well wishes.

I mean, why would God let us suffer like this if we are devoted and faithful, the way I was. Then... my entire life crashed around me.

You can only depend on yourself, because noone else is going to help you... except maybe your best friend.

__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.

justean

hi russ, just wanted to say well done on your new journey. can i ask what your 180 dg turn was. how did you forgive. my hubby and drunk of face and eggd on by a mate, slept with a girl. one nite stand.
hubby cannot even remember the nite. but i cannot forgive at the moment. i know it wil take time. but can i ask how you forgave?

izz4u2mm

hi to S J and R I really understand all the kind advice and words form you all and no you r not boring J. I jsut could not understand or accept what is really right to do becuase of the state I have been in. Please I did not mean to lash out or express any bad vibes . And like R said I am broken and to think of the "end" for me just goes to show you all how broken I really am. Thanks R for bringing that out in me. I am really a very nice and warm guy and maybe too nice at times because sometimes I think I let sometings pass me by without suspicions cause why have them in the first place??. I thought everything was ok a the home front!! And I say this becuase while I was serving my country back in 68-71 I had alot to be on guard for!! I came home and thought I was in a safe place now. Although I did drink alot before 1996..to drown out bad memories I still kept the fire on you know what I mean. I mean I was there for my wife and my kids too. I held a good job and tried to provide all the good things finacially, emotionally, sexually, socially etc. My wife did not have to work and worked at home so they say nowadays . I did not realize that this kind of problem was so much out there with so many partners. Just with this small group of forum members I feel like part of a family that has something in common and I would do anything I could to help someone in anyway that I could. I hope that all of us get over all this bad cituation and become happy in life. I would also like to know from R how he accomplished the "180 turnaround" ??.
Thanks alot you guys
Manny

Russell

My 180 degrees....

1) I quite drinking cold turkey. No questions or requests asked, I knew it was an issue.

2) I quite playing EverQuest. Real time hog. To much dedication to a fantasy, not enough dedication to my family.

3) I started controlling my anger. I could see red in an instant. Now I still see red in an instant, however I control how I react to such an anger.

4) I started playing with my son instead of just being a father. I mean, anyone can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.

5) I forgave my wife for her affair. The kicker is, she fell in love with the jerk. Eventually I ended up thanking him for the good that came out of a bad situation. I am still learning to trust her again though. Thats a toughy. I mean, not like this was a one night stand. the hardest part, I have forgiven, but I will never forget. And that is worrying me.

6) I have learned that there is much more to life than what I was living. I am also giving it my best effort to stop smoking. And I'm almost there. Please, wish my iron will, I am going to need it.


Basicly... I have the desire to be the best man that my wife deserves. I know she can do better than me.

The most profound impact that this has had is on my self confidence. I remember when I was growing up with an emotionally abusive father... I felt like I could do nothing. I couldn't please him no matter what good I did. I was always looking at the ground instead of what was going on around me. When I met my wife, I starting looking at other things. She showed me that I can be me, and that I can be a good person without hurting others. Now... I find myself staring at my feet while I'm walking... again.

__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.

Russell

By the way....

Justean....

It was a one night stand... he didn't fall for the chic...

He came home to you, and has been there since. He knows he screwed up. It was JUST sex... nothing more. To some people... that means a lot, to others, very little. Please, keep that in mind. The act is different than the emotion of love.

__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.

izz4u2mm

Russel that was some feat you accomplished !!. I am very proud of you and admire your quality as a person. I remember when I was overseas my brother wrote and said to me" keep your head up". Now I really know what he meant. Russel you should look forward and not at your feet anymore. You should give yourself more credit that you have been giving yourself. Stand up straight and proud like the wings you show as the image under your name...you are an Eagle man!! . As for Justean and Swedish you too should give yourself alot of credit for what you have accomplished. You are all probably saying to yourselfs.."what happened to manny??" I guess my bipolarism is up and not down today or all your good words for me made me feel somewhat better. I know its not easy but I don't want to bring anyone down with my problems or illness today. I did talk to one of my best VA therapist yesterday and she talked to me on the phone for a while and set me up with the VA clinic again. I stopped going in 2002 and switched over to my medical insurance where they don't specialize in ptsd or VA related problems. I'm gonna see my old doctor and my therapist too. Hopefully this will help me get out of this hole I am in and I am gonna get some day treatment too. Thats where yo get to participate in crafts, interact with other Vets and maybe thats what I need on top of talking to my therapist too. She is really good. Meanwhile you all try to be good and happy ok.
(feeling a little better)
Manny

__________________
Hi my name is Manny and I am a recovering alcoholic and drug user since Sept 10, 1986.

swedish

Hi Manny,

I'm so glad you checked in to let us know how you are doing and am really glad you are feeling better, even if only a little.

Getting out and especially interacting with other vets sounds like a really good plan. I hope going through the VA works out better for you. I truly wish we, as a country, would put more effort into supporting vets with ptsd. Every time I go to the polls, I vote with my dad in mind, and will think of you as well.

As for today, I'll send some extra your way

izz4u2mm

Oh thank you so much Swedish love all the you sent me. I am going today to see a doctor for re-evaluation and means test again. Also getting a physical exam and am going to find out what program I am going to be put on. I left the system 2002 but was recommended to re-join....not the war this time .
I found out since 2002 some of my buddies at the VA have passed away and made me very sad to know. But I am going to try and make the best of it if I do stay with the VA. Maybe this will keep my mind off my W and my worries about her and me. Ss for you I wish you more strength and power in your delema and also want to send you lots and lots of .
Wish there was more I could do for you to make you feel strong and happy like hitting the lotto and sending all you guys chocolate. They say it makes people happy..
Hope to see more progress on the forum of you.
Manny

__________________
Hi my name is Manny and I am a recovering alcoholic and drug user since Sept 10, 1986.

swedish

mmmmmm....chocolate....

something about PMS hormone levels make me want chocolate covered nuts....sweet and salty...don't know what it is but now I might need to go get some and eat them in your honor for the nice thoughts you sent our way