Doesn't know if he wants her or me
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-02-2010, 01:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Doesn't know if he wants her or me

My H had a 6 month EA. I found out in Nov. He stopped it when I found out and we were working things out. It was really going well. Now about a week ago he told me he was thinking about the OW alot. Now he is unsure what he wants. He says he isn't happy. He says he needs more positive thoughts of us. He says the thoughts are either negative or neutral right now.
I am trying to be upbeat and show him we can have fun again. He says when we talk about the problems and I normally end up crying, that he doesn't want me to hurt anymore and it would probably be better for me if he leaves. I can't even fathom the thought of him leaving. I told him that is the only thing that makes me sad if the thought of him walking out. We have a seven year old son, too.

He said he doesn't know if he wants the thoughts of her gone. He says he hasn't contacted her again. He sees her about once or twice a week at work.

I told him it was normal to think about her. That he needs to resist the urge to contact her. That it would get easier. He said he wasn't sure if that was what he wanted. He says he wants to work things out with us. We are in the first stages of getting e-councilling. I told him he needs to decide what he wants. We still are intimate. I try to remain positive. It is so hard.

My Question is how long should I give him to make up his mind if he wants me or her? Am I being a fool by keeping him when he is thinking about her. He admitted he loves her.

I love him and don't want to lose him.
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

I gave my ex 3 days....he picked her (after much back and forth - "I pick you when we went to bed....wake up to him "you'll be pissed I called her") It shouldn't be that hard a decision is what one of my guy friends told me - either he wants you or he doesn't. Period. Either he's committed or he's not. Do you want to married to someone who isn't 'all in'? Maybe if you say that you are tired of waiting for him and you've made your decision. You pick being alone rather than being with a man who can't make a decision. See if it shocks him into realizing that you won't wait around forever, because right now he knows that he's got you as you've told him that the only thing that scares you is him leaving - which leaves him free to waffle all he wants because as long as he doesn't actually leave - he still has you. You have to mean it - if you say it and he either a doesn't make a decision (and stick to it - in actions and words - and you get to be the judge on that) then you have to file for separation at least.
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Old 03-02-2010, 03:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

You are right, it shouldn't be that hard of a decision. I don't want to be with a man who isn't 'all in'. I guess I'm hoping he makes the right decision soon. He says he can't just decide in one night. I asked him where he saw himself in a month. He said here. So that gives me hope.
I told him you are either committed or not. He said today he is committed.
I dont want to wait forever for him to decide. I don't like not being in control of my own destiny.
For now, I wait. I don't know how long. I guess I'm hoping the e-counciling helps.
For now, only time will tell.
It is simple for me if I was looking in. Dump the ass. But because I'm living it, I don't see him as an ass.
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Old 03-02-2010, 02:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Idkwtd2009Nov View Post
You are right, it shouldn't be that hard of a decision. I don't want to be with a man who isn't 'all in'. I guess I'm hoping he makes the right decision soon. He says he can't just decide in one night. I asked him where he saw himself in a month. He said here. So that gives me hope.
I told him you are either committed or not. He said today he is committed.
I dont want to wait forever for him to decide. I don't like not being in control of my own destiny.
For now, I wait. I don't know how long. I guess I'm hoping the e-counciling helps.
For now, only time will tell.
It is simple for me if I was looking in. Dump the ass. But because I'm living it, I don't see him as an ass.
I am in exactly the same boat. In my case my wife has decided to commit to try to work it out with me ... not because of her feelings for me, but because of our kids, and because we are religious and in her heart she knows that is what's right in God's sight.

It is hard for me. I've been fighting for so long to get her to commit to work on this with us. But if it weren't for the kids there is no question - she would want divorce. So I'm sitting here now struggling with "do I give her a chance, do we start working it out, and I hope that God changes her heart? Or do I say it's over, I'm worth more than this and move along with my life?"

It's very hard, it's very hurtful ... I probably am not giving you much constructive here, but I can say that I understand, I empathize, and I will pray for you and your situation.
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

Every single time he sees her at work, he rekindles the affair in his mind. So technically, he is still having the affair just by working with her.

A more aggressive approach to your situation would be for you to tell him that he either quits that job or gets one of them transferred, or you're leaving him.
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

I know it's hard when you are in limbo. Been there have the ticket. The best and hardest thing I did was give my wedding rings back to my hubby and told him if he wants the OW then go to her now that I would not wear my rings till he made up his mind what he really wanted. He moved out for one night before writing me a note and calling me wanting to work out our marriage. It's not been all roses since he came back but we have gotten alot closer and we don't fuss like we use to which is very nice. It has only been 6mos since I found out but it's nice knowing he wants me again!!
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

Dear Idkwtd2009Nov and Hope(less)inHouston~

I would like to suggest/request that both of you read this article as soon as you can: The Purpose of No Contact. This article is MUCH more in depth, but briefly it explains why no contact is so vital after an affair.

Idkwtd2009Nov
, I would be remiss if I didn't warn you about this. The reason your H can't decide if he wants you or her is because he has never broken ALL contact with her. He still sees her at work even if it's just glances. Now he may not speak to her or email or chat...but he sees her and interacts on a business level. Speaking as someone who has been disloyal, every contact keeps the connection there. It may just be wisps and threads, but he still connects 'feeling good' and 'love zings' and 'being wanted' with HER.

For your marriage to be saved I suspect you may need to take drastic measures. There has to be NO CONTACT whatsoever, ever again--including "business." Until your H is willing to commit to that, he is not giving you the chance to meet his needs or giving himself the chance to become connected to YOU. Soooo...I strongly suggest that he either ask for a transfer to another branch or location in his company or that he quit his job. Yes, I realize that in this economy that is risky, but when two people are married, they ride through employed times and unemployed times together --side-by-side-- and this will be unemployment to commit to the marriage. If he is not willing to either transfer or quit, then you know that he's not really willing to try: he's just stringing you along. Chances are about 100% that he will not like this, but that's okay. Sometimes what needs to be done is hard, and this is hard. It's going to hurt him to never, ever see or speak to her again but before he can connect with you and really make this marriage work, he has to disconnect with her.

Hope(less)inHouston, you say that "...my wife has decided to commit to try to work it out with me ... not because of her feelings for me, but because of our kids, and because we are religious and in her heart she knows that is what's right in God's sight." I know that part of you wants to hear her say, "I realize that I was a fool and I love you!" but right now choosing to do the right thing because it's the right thing, and choosing to stay for the children is not a horrible foundation on which to build.

Before you say, "But I deserve better!" hear me out. Many disloyal spouses get so lost in their dizzy, babbling fantasy that they never can find their way back. They do what they know is wrong and keep doing it...and no matter who they hurt, they keep on blaming and lying. Your wife has had the courage to admit that what she was doing was wrong, and then the courage to stop doing it! That's AMAZING! It is a moral foundation on which something strong could be built! Furthermore, she's not lying to you even though she's fully aware you'd love to hear that she's doing it because you are too valuable to her. She's telling you the truth even though it hurts to hear, and again, that's a moral foundation on which something strong could be built. Finally, by her actions she has demonstrated that she's aware she has commitments and responsibilities that are greater than her "happiness." Yet again, that is a foundation on which something strong could be built!

So you are in a pretty good place. You have a relationship that really could be rebuilt and recover stronger and more loving than before. For you I recommend continuing to ensure no contact, and giving her a little time to mourn. At first she is going to miss the thrill of being wanted and the fun of attention. She's going hurt and you might be able to kindle a little love just by being comforting and understanding.

Then print the Love Busters Questionnaire and Emotional Needs Questionnaire--one for you and one for her. This is a starting place for you to rekindle the love between you two and build and even stronger, more loving relationship.
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Last edited by Affaircare; 03-02-2010 at 06:55 PM.
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Old 03-05-2010, 11:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

I couldn't take it anymore. I finally woke up and realized there is no way he is going to forget about her. I asked him to leave.
He moved in with her the next day.
Tired of the pain. Time to move on for me and my son. I feel good about my decision. When he told me he was moving in with her, all doubts about my decision were gone.
Thank God I have a great support system. Great friends checking up on me. My mom, sister, brother, etc. All there for me to help me through this.
I really don't believe anyone can make it through and cope with infidelity. I wish I hadn't even tried. The guy cheated on me and our son. End of story. I shouldn't have taken him back in the first place.
To all of you trying, God be with you. I hope you can do it. I tried everything I could. I can hold my head up high.
I am being strong for me and my son. I have to. My son is the strongest. He is almost eight years old. I am so proud of the way he is handling it.
A new life is beginning for us and I feel scared but at the same time I feel renewed. He hasn't been a true husband for over a year.
I deserve better than that.
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Old 03-05-2010, 11:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

{{{idkwtd}}}Yes, you do deserve better.

And you WILL find it. God bless you and your son.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

Dear, Idkwtd2009Nov

WOW. i am/was going through the same exact situation. I can't believe the similarities. My H of 2 years has been having an emotional affair and somewhat physical with a girl at work. he claims to love us both and can't decide what he wants. although he has been leaning towards being with me. he shows he wants to be with me when we're not together he contantly contacts me. he claims to have cut off ties from this girl even though he still loves her and has to see her at work everyday/. we have a 5 year old daughter together and this is just so unfair to the both of us. i feel like a nussaince in his extra curricular activites..... i can't find the strength to let him go.. this is so hard!!

affaircare- you offer so much great advice. thank you!
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Old 03-26-2010, 11:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants her or me

You should first of all understand his need for going after that woman, is there anything special which he was not getting from you. What is the depth of their relationship anything physical or just starting. Try to show that you are the best one in all acts, if he is looking for some sexual pleasure. You spend more time with him and ask more about his desire for life, sex or something else. Prepare for everynight with all your arms, i mean your new technique in sex or position and make him energetic so that he should feel you are the only one to satisfy him.
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