Dear Idkwtd2009Nov and Hope(less)inHouston~
I would like to suggest/request that both of you read this article as soon as you can: The Purpose of No Contact
. This article is MUCH more in depth, but briefly it explains why no contact is so vital after an affair.
, I would be remiss if I didn't warn you about this. The reason your H can't decide if he wants you or her is because he has never broken ALL
contact with her. He still sees her at work even if it's just glances. Now he may not speak to her or email or chat...but he sees
her and interacts on a business level. Speaking as someone who has been disloyal, every contact keeps the connection there. It may just be wisps and threads, but he still connects 'feeling good' and 'love zings' and 'being wanted' with HER.
For your marriage to be saved I suspect you may need to take drastic measures. There has to be NO CONTACT whatsoever, ever again--including "business." Until your H is willing to commit to that, he is not giving you the chance to meet his needs or giving himself the chance to become connected to YOU. Soooo...I strongly suggest that he either ask for a transfer to another branch or location in his company or that he quit his job. Yes, I realize that in this economy that is risky, but when two people are married, they ride through employed times and unemployed times together --side-by-side-- and this will be unemployment to commit to the marriage. If he is not willing to either transfer or quit, then you know that he's not really willing to try: he's just stringing you along. Chances are about 100% that he will not like this, but that's okay. Sometimes what needs to be done is hard, and this is hard. It's going to hurt him to never, ever see or speak to her again but before he can connect with you and really make this marriage work, he has to disconnect with her. Hope(less)inHouston
, you say that "...my wife has decided to commit to try to work it out with me ... not because of her feelings for me, but because of our kids, and because we are religious and in her heart she knows that is what's right in God's sight." I know that part of you wants to hear her say, "I realize that I was a fool and I love you!" but right now choosing to do the right thing because it's the right thing, and choosing to stay for the children is not a horrible foundation on which to build.
Before you say, "But I deserve better!" hear me out. Many disloyal spouses get so lost in their dizzy, babbling fantasy that they never can find their way back. They do what they know is wrong and keep doing it...and no matter who they hurt, they keep on blaming and lying. Your wife has had the courage to admit that what she was doing was wrong, and then the courage to stop doing it! That's AMAZING! It is a moral foundation on which something strong could be built! Furthermore, she's not lying to you even though she's fully aware you'd love to hear that she's doing it because you are too valuable to her. She's telling you the truth even though it hurts to hear, and again, that's a moral foundation on which something strong could be built. Finally, by her actions she has demonstrated that she's aware she has commitments and responsibilities that are greater than her "happiness." Yet again, that is a foundation on which something strong could be built!
So you are in a pretty good place. You have a relationship that really could be rebuilt and recover stronger and more loving than before. For you I recommend continuing to ensure no contact, and giving her a little time to mourn. At first she is going to miss the thrill of being wanted and the fun of attention. She's going hurt and you might be able to kindle a little love just by being comforting and understanding.
Then print the Love Busters Questionnaire
and Emotional Needs Questionnaire
--one for you and one for her. This is a starting place for you to rekindle the love between you two and build and even stronger, more loving relationship.