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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-10-2013, 09:35 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I'm not sure if your husband is having sex with this woman or not, but if he isn't, he's trying hard - and she's not resisting. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say he has.

By the amount of texts, it's at least an EA; and one of the best indicators of whether it's gone physical would be how long they have been texting each other; and the times. You should grab the phone records and see how long this has been going on. Does it increase when he's at home with you? Is there a difference in the times or frequency when he's away?

My other thought is that with his past infidelity, you allowing him to have "any" communications with women "friends" is a mistake. In most marriages that crosses a reasonable boundary, but in the case of a past cheater, it's a no-brainer. You don't accept it. Period.

Of course you should insist in no contact. But the problem is when he's away, how will you monitor it? No other solution than for him to quit the job. Not an unreasonable demand considering his past. That is, if you truly want to R with this guy. Doesn't sound like your heart's into it. If not, you should think long and hard about how the rest of your life will play out should he not agree to these consequences.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:40 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Sorry for this, but it sounds like you just need to stop caring and move on. Maybe you should suggest an open marriage, as that sounds pretty much like what he has currently (you are the one limited in your freedom to be with others as he seems to do as he pleases and you allow him to). With that arrangement you could keep the financial stability until the kids graduate, and then divorce afterward if you would prefer. Other than his "charm", you are not attracted to him in any way and you seem very superficial with looks (you have referred to his appearance time and again, while making reference to how handsome and fit the other guy was, so you are looking whether you admit it to yourself or not) while comparing your appearance to hers as well. There is nothing wrong with this, but you really have no marriage and it appears that both of you agree on this fact. Maybe you should try to reach an amicable agreement about separation? He is using you just as you are using him. This sounds like it is time to get out, or reach an agreement that you will both live separate lives yet remain "legally" married?

You have an interesting point but I don't care to be in an "open marriage".

As far as being superficial, I don't feel that I am. I guess I was just wondering what a youg girl with an attractive husband would see in mine. You're right...it does sound superficial. At one point in time I, too, thought he was handsome but I guess his lies and infidelities have made him ugly to me. I don't believe I did compare myselfito the other girl...I believe I said I found her to be nice. Nothing was said about her looks except that I didn't think she had a very high standard for hygiene and that is just the first impression I got. I don't know if that makes me superficial, necessarily, maybe a little OCD with cleanliness. As far as using him...yes, I suppose I am for the sake of my children. Our children. If it weren't for OUR children needing braces, glasses, dentist appointments, school supplies, etc., I would have been gone a long, long time ago. No personal gain for me to stick around here as I pay my own bills.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:45 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi there, sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must be difficult, especially since you mentioned the past problem with unfaithfulness. Have you had a heart-to-heart with him about this yet? I suggest getting it all out in the open, no more secrets, no more guessing, leave nothing out. You need to know the entire truth and he should be aware of how you feel. There may be more to the story! I wish you all the best and hope you'll keep us posted.
I know him well enough to know he will deny and defend and, quite frankly, I just don't want to hear any more lies. He has been lying more and more frequently lately. I guess that's why I came here to vent...to see if it seems like there could be another "innocent" explanation as to why my husband is asking another woman if she misses him and if there's a good reason to send another woman a close up picture of a bull's testicles when she is not a veterinarian...
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:46 AM   #19 (permalink)
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... Talk to him? Demand he stop texting her? Tell her husband to have his wife stop texting my husband? I know him...he will deny anything inappropriate and say that they're just friends, that I'm paranoid, etc.

Any comments? Suggestions?
Do this ^^. Stay confident when he gaslights you about being paranoid. Stay strong and self-assured and say that you won't accept a husband with a girlfriend. Stick to your guns.

It sounds very much like he's relegated you to his background, secondary life. Aside from the issue of the OW, you have to decide if this is what you want for yourself. You may find that settling in this way isn't the best for you. After all, the last time he came home, he brought his primary, front-burner life with him to act as a buffer for his secondary life with you. I would begin to question if that is what I want.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:54 AM   #20 (permalink)
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You have an interesting point but I don't care to be in an "open marriage".

As far as being superficial, I don't feel that I am. I guess I was just wondering what a youg girl with an attractive husband would see in mine. You're right...it does sound superficial. At one point in time I, too, thought he was handsome but I guess his lies and infidelities have made him ugly to me.
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Unfortunately, it appears as though you are in an open marriage, as he is free to do as he pleases (and that includes come and go) with little care or attention paid to you.

I didn't mean to offend with the superficial remark, but when everything written was focusing on appearance, it looks that way to an outsider. You just again remarked that "a young girl with an attractive husband". You noted her age, but nothing about her appearance (although you have previously questioned her cleanliness and attendance to it), yet referred to her H as handsome. Again there is nothing wrong with being about appearance, just know it, accept it, and learn to live with it, if that is the case. Several people on here will admit that they are all about the looks and appearance, and these differences are what make the world go around. I am not all about the looks as I know that they can and most likely will go with age (and i am not attractive, or so I feel). If I was about the looks, I don't know how I could handle a relationship when my spouse was to fall into the "comfortable" stage and stop trying to wow me (as it seems has happened here). Hygiene is a different story than appearance though, as it can lead to health issues if not addressed and really has nothing to do with the physical appearance of a person (and I know that I couldn't live with someone that had really terrible hygiene, as it would definitely turn me off to them no matter how attractive, think Cindy Crawford with only 3 green/ black teeh in her head, greasy hair, and BO that can be smelled through the internet!!! what a turn off no matter how pretty she was).
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:56 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Maybe the other couple have an open relationship and he is the third wheel in that relationship??? If that is the case, exposing wouldn't do a thing.
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Old 09-10-2013, 10:09 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Maybe the other couple have an open relationship and he is the third wheel in that relationship??? If that is the case, exposing wouldn't do a thing.
I didn't take offense to the superficial remark at all. I've never really considered myself to be but I think you made a good point. Be aware that I am equally as critical of myself. Funny, I don't think I ever used to be superficial at all until he cheated on me and I was left devastated and wondering who, where, what she looked like, was she pretty, was she prettier then me, was she skinny, was she good in bed, etc. Like I said, I think he has become ugly to me through the years.

The 3rd wheel thought is just scary! I already had to get the full STD testing after his last indiscretion.
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Old 09-10-2013, 10:14 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Do this ^^. Stay confident when he gaslights you about being paranoid. Stay strong and self-assured and say that you won't accept a husband with a girlfriend. Stick to your guns.

It sounds very much like he's relegated you to his background, secondary life. Aside from the issue of the OW, you have to decide if this is what you want for yourself. You may find that settling in this way isn't the best for you. After all, the last time he came home, he brought his primary, front-burner life with him to act as a buffer for his secondary life with you. I would begin to question if that is what I want.

I think you are 100% correct.
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Old 09-10-2013, 12:48 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Some guys go into this kind of work to avoid being home. Their mindset is, I bring home a good paycheck and that is doing my part. Maybe there is nothing more going on then she gets along with "the guys" and she is just one of the buddies and your husband feels connected to her. It seems like he built his life around his buddies and you and the kids are just a side line thing.

No matter how you slice this you have a poor M. His texting is very inappropriate and it may be nothing more than that and IMO that is bad enough. He should be focused on you.
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Old 09-10-2013, 01:06 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Some guys go into this kind of work to avoid being home. Their mindset is, I bring home a good paycheck and that is doing my part. Maybe there is nothing more going on then she gets along with "the guys" and she is just one of the buddies and your husband feels connected to her. It seems like he built his life around his buddies and you and the kids are just a side line thing.

No matter how you slice this you have a poor M. His texting is very inappropriate and it may be nothing more than that and IMO that is bad enough. He should be focused on you.
I agree it is wrong and uncalled for. Not trying to defend, but playing Devil's advocate, I can't help but think that maybe he also feels neglected at home and is starting an EA to get his needs met?? Not trying to place blame, but I know that if my spouse stopped kissing me or didn't want me in her bed unless I met her demands (which I agree are merited if his hygiene is that bad) I may start to wonder if there is more out there as well. Your M is damaged and needs something, as I see no love on either side from what I am reading. We see it on here all the time, were it is said that the M problems existed before the A (in very few, if any, instances were the Ms perfect before the A started).
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Old 09-10-2013, 04:15 PM   #26 (permalink)
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2) I don't want to be rude, but my husband is overweight, has poor hygiene, and is not a physically attractive person

HOWEVER, my husband is also a really great, fun loving guy. He is an ideal party pal! He is the guy that will always pick up the tab, will always put on the party, will always put his friends before any other priority. He is a shi**y husband, mediocre father, but a great friend.


Any comments? Suggestions?
I would like to comment. First, I've heard more than one female say that looks don't matter to them. Apparently they do to you. You describe your husband like this to others? What do you say to him?

Whether or not he is cheating is no different than a woman cheating because her husband badmouths her all the time.

If you really feel this way about him then why are you married?
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Old 09-10-2013, 04:57 PM   #27 (permalink)
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This thread has gotten off track trying to analyze the OP's remarks about hygene and looks. What she said was reasonable to any sensible person.

My question is how is your sex life when he is home? Does he act like a man that hasn't had sex for weeks ? Does he act like you are the sweetest thing on earth when he walks through the door after so many weeks?

What has he done to make up for his infidelity? How long ago was it?

What kind of phone does he have?
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Old 09-11-2013, 12:16 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Sorry WYwife,

I dont know what to say. I think you should re-examine your relationship with this man. Why should you put up with this incorrigible man, although I see your reasons for staying?
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Old 09-11-2013, 12:21 AM   #29 (permalink)
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He's cheating or wants to.

INnappropriate. Blow the whistle. Now.
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Old 09-11-2013, 12:30 AM   #30 (permalink)
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This thread has gotten off track trying to analyze the OP's remarks about hygene and looks. What she said was reasonable to any sensible person.

My question is how is your sex life when he is home? Does he act like a man that hasn't had sex for weeks ? Does he act like you are the sweetest thing on earth when he walks through the door after so many weeks?

What has he done to make up for his infidelity? How long ago was it?

What kind of phone does he have?
I don't see how you can say it was side tracked as she was the one that made the comments and observations (and several times she has made these statements), so they show that she has very little attraction to her H. This could be directly related to the state of the current marriage and explain his actions toward her. I am not talking about cheating but maybe why he isn't responding the same way to her that he is toward this other woman as she could be accepting him for whom he is. They definitely need to do something about it, but her reactions sound like she has checked out of the M a long time ago.
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