I could use some help.
I am in my late twenties, working on a professional degree. My wife is too. We have been married for just over one year, but were together for five years prior.
Recently I found out she invited a man over to our house.
I had planned to meet a buddy at a specified time on Sunday to help him out with something and then catch up over dinner. This worked out well, my wife said, because she had a female friend coming over to talk about marriage problems she was having. I was told there would be "waterworks" so be wary about coming home without calling.
I left around 6:30pm to meet my friend. I arrived back around 9:20 after getting the okay to return. We started watching some TV. I asked about the friend, hoping she was okay. My wife proceeded to tell me the exact story that happened with this woman a year before. I said "that's odd, she is going through the same thing?" My wife clammed up. She was also furtively looking at her phone, which was right in front of me. She then got up and put it in the bedroom. By now I was very nervous and suspicious. I will say I have never once looked at her phone in our entire six years. I pride myself on being trusting. I couldn't help it though, so when my wife went to walk the dog I checked the phone. I found no weird calls. However, I found many texts to a man chatting and joking and inviting him over while I was gone, planning on it, talking about it, even saying "hurry up, I'm getting drunk" (my wife had opened a bottle of champagne given to us for our first anniversary right before I left, which I was perplexed by), some texts saying "we are having champagne tonight, is that okay?", then more texts after about 2 hours (the time I assume he was there) joking and flirting.
When my wife returned I confronted her and asked about this guy. She said "Who?" Then I said, "I looked at your phone." She told me he was no one... we just flirt... As I proceeded to walk out the front door, seething with anger, she said "he pays attention to me." By then I was infuriated. Over the course of the next several hours she gave me stories about how "he was going to come over, but then I changed my mind and called him at the last minute." Remember, there were no calls...
Some days have gone by, most recently I stopped by to talk to her (as I have been staying away) and the story evolved yet again. Now she has admitted he came over but "we didn't do anything, we just watched a movie and at one point he tried to kiss me." For some strange reason, I can't believe that this is the full story. I can't believe anything about this. I am nearly positive they had sex. The bottle of champagne was 4/5 empty and my wife is certainly a lightweight. She also told me he had nothing to drink, despite their exchange...
The constant advice I am hearing is to seek marriage counseling and work through this. Is that the way? She has lied, lied, and lied some more. Not only is my unbending trust now bent beyond recognition, but I have never felt so insulted or alienated in my life. Do I/we try to counsel this away? Or do I just walk away?
Please help me if you have thoughts.
I am in my late twenties, working on a professional degree. My wife is too. We have been married for just over one year, but were together for five years prior.
Recently I found out she invited a man over to our house.
I had planned to meet a buddy at a specified time on Sunday to help him out with something and then catch up over dinner. This worked out well, my wife said, because she had a female friend coming over to talk about marriage problems she was having. I was told there would be "waterworks" so be wary about coming home without calling.
I left around 6:30pm to meet my friend. I arrived back around 9:20 after getting the okay to return. We started watching some TV. I asked about the friend, hoping she was okay. My wife proceeded to tell me the exact story that happened with this woman a year before. I said "that's odd, she is going through the same thing?" My wife clammed up. She was also furtively looking at her phone, which was right in front of me. She then got up and put it in the bedroom. By now I was very nervous and suspicious. I will say I have never once looked at her phone in our entire six years. I pride myself on being trusting. I couldn't help it though, so when my wife went to walk the dog I checked the phone. I found no weird calls. However, I found many texts to a man chatting and joking and inviting him over while I was gone, planning on it, talking about it, even saying "hurry up, I'm getting drunk" (my wife had opened a bottle of champagne given to us for our first anniversary right before I left, which I was perplexed by), some texts saying "we are having champagne tonight, is that okay?", then more texts after about 2 hours (the time I assume he was there) joking and flirting.
When my wife returned I confronted her and asked about this guy. She said "Who?" Then I said, "I looked at your phone." She told me he was no one... we just flirt... As I proceeded to walk out the front door, seething with anger, she said "he pays attention to me." By then I was infuriated. Over the course of the next several hours she gave me stories about how "he was going to come over, but then I changed my mind and called him at the last minute." Remember, there were no calls...
Some days have gone by, most recently I stopped by to talk to her (as I have been staying away) and the story evolved yet again. Now she has admitted he came over but "we didn't do anything, we just watched a movie and at one point he tried to kiss me." For some strange reason, I can't believe that this is the full story. I can't believe anything about this. I am nearly positive they had sex. The bottle of champagne was 4/5 empty and my wife is certainly a lightweight. She also told me he had nothing to drink, despite their exchange...
The constant advice I am hearing is to seek marriage counseling and work through this. Is that the way? She has lied, lied, and lied some more. Not only is my unbending trust now bent beyond recognition, but I have never felt so insulted or alienated in my life. Do I/we try to counsel this away? Or do I just walk away?
Please help me if you have thoughts.