I feel a bit defensive about my means for finding out what I have found out. I read his FB messages.
A semi unrelated back story: My MIL visited us about 5 years ago. It was a hard visit and she was nitpicking with some kid things. I thought I did okay handling the situation. My husband was really fed up with his mom. She lives far away from us. After she left, I didn't hear much from her. We have three children and tend to be very busy. He communicates with his mom more than I do, so I didn't think much of it. I don't hate his mom. She has some issues (don't we all?) and a lot of what has happened amongst us relates to some of her issues. About four months after her visit, I was using husband's laptop and happened to see an email from his mom. I honestly wasn't snooping, but once I saw the email, I was curious. He hadn't mentioned anything about interactions with her. I started reading a few emails they exchanged shortly after she left. Basically she said horrible stuff about me, our kids. and even my husband. Much of it was untrue. Some was true, but more along the lines of so what
. The emails were all shared around the whole family: FIL, step FIL, SILs, etc. My husband basically responded by writing her out of our lives. He was so very angry with her. About four months had passed before I found these emails. I was shocked my husband hadn't told me about it. I was very angry about the things she said and felt it was unfair I was being discussed and never had a chance to defend myself. I didn't feel as if my husband defended me so much as just got angry with his mom. My husband said he didn't let me know because he knew I would be upset and wanted to protect me from the hurtful things she said.
So then fast forward a few years and he and his mom slowly started making up. His mom had a big falling out with his sister -- and that somehow led to her trying to make amends with our family. I guess in the end, I was able to let go her crazy email attacks because I know everyone else knows she is the way she is. Also, I try to be confident in who I am and recognize that people see that. We were going on a long trip to visit husband's family and would be there for almost a month. We weren't staying with his mom but we would be interacting with her. Leading up to this trip, I was started to get anxious and upset because I felt like I had never received an apology and she hadn't made amends to me. I ended up calling a talk show (have never done that!) and was unable to talk about how I should/could interact with my MIL because the person was giving me such a hard time for snooping in my husband's email.
Anyway, that whole episode left me a) not trusting my husband very much and b) feeling guilty for doing the fairly innocent snooping I did. I didn't set out to snoop. I cannot say that I regret opening the email. I don't think spouses should have big secrets like that. I think if you have an email or message you don't want your spouse to see, something is rotten in Denmark.
A few months ago, I was using my son's iTouch. I rarely use it. My husband uses it all of the time. His FB account was opened. At first I thought it was MY FB account. I just saw FB and assumed I could jump in using it w/o thinking I needed to login. There was a message from a woman who I don't know. As soon as I opened the message, I realized it was my husband's FB account and this was a friend of his. The woman is not someone he has met IRL. She lives 3000 miles away. He knows her from a sports forum. The message was innocent -- nothing really flirty -- but it seemed like they had been sending messages. He hasn't mentioned this to me. So yeah....I snooped again. There are a few slightly flirty things my husband has said to her. I don't have everything because I am missing messages. He did say "I'm enjoying looking at your pictures." He once referred to her as attractive but he threw it in to some relationship advice he was giving her. He talks quite a bit about our kids with her but nothing about me. Once she told him that his wife is pretty and he didn't say anything. Besides the fact that she has poor eye sight
, I just don't feel comfortable that he is having these exchanges with her.
I don't consider myself super possessive. My husband isn't an out and out flirty sort of guy but I have, from time to time, felt he was mildly flirtatious with someone. I'm okay with it, though I do sometimes get jealous. It is rare. I think what bothers me with these FB messages is that he hasn't told me about them and he seems to be sure to exclude me (his wife!) in most conversations ... or just mentioning me in the slightest way. This woman is attractive (and is it catty if I add in a s-lutty sort of way with overbleached hair and trying too hard FB poses?). My problems is, I don't know how to talk to my husband about how I feel without him turning the tables to my snooping. Also, I kind of like him not knowing because I have access to his FB. He will change it once he thinks I know. Or he will just leave FB all together in a huff -- and I do think there are benefits to FB and would like him to enjoy connecting with people. He may also point out that I have a lot of FB guy friends. However, I have never exchanged messages with them at this level.
*sigh* I really feel lousy right now. I don't feel great about myself and this really doesn't help.