I don't trust my husband...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-09-2010, 01:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I don't trust my husband...

I feel a bit defensive about my means for finding out what I have found out. I read his FB messages.

A semi unrelated back story: My MIL visited us about 5 years ago. It was a hard visit and she was nitpicking with some kid things. I thought I did okay handling the situation. My husband was really fed up with his mom. She lives far away from us. After she left, I didn't hear much from her. We have three children and tend to be very busy. He communicates with his mom more than I do, so I didn't think much of it. I don't hate his mom. She has some issues (don't we all?) and a lot of what has happened amongst us relates to some of her issues. About four months after her visit, I was using husband's laptop and happened to see an email from his mom. I honestly wasn't snooping, but once I saw the email, I was curious. He hadn't mentioned anything about interactions with her. I started reading a few emails they exchanged shortly after she left. Basically she said horrible stuff about me, our kids. and even my husband. Much of it was untrue. Some was true, but more along the lines of so what. The emails were all shared around the whole family: FIL, step FIL, SILs, etc. My husband basically responded by writing her out of our lives. He was so very angry with her. About four months had passed before I found these emails. I was shocked my husband hadn't told me about it. I was very angry about the things she said and felt it was unfair I was being discussed and never had a chance to defend myself. I didn't feel as if my husband defended me so much as just got angry with his mom. My husband said he didn't let me know because he knew I would be upset and wanted to protect me from the hurtful things she said.

So then fast forward a few years and he and his mom slowly started making up. His mom had a big falling out with his sister -- and that somehow led to her trying to make amends with our family. I guess in the end, I was able to let go her crazy email attacks because I know everyone else knows she is the way she is. Also, I try to be confident in who I am and recognize that people see that. We were going on a long trip to visit husband's family and would be there for almost a month. We weren't staying with his mom but we would be interacting with her. Leading up to this trip, I was started to get anxious and upset because I felt like I had never received an apology and she hadn't made amends to me. I ended up calling a talk show (have never done that!) and was unable to talk about how I should/could interact with my MIL because the person was giving me such a hard time for snooping in my husband's email.

Anyway, that whole episode left me a) not trusting my husband very much and b) feeling guilty for doing the fairly innocent snooping I did. I didn't set out to snoop. I cannot say that I regret opening the email. I don't think spouses should have big secrets like that. I think if you have an email or message you don't want your spouse to see, something is rotten in Denmark.

A few months ago, I was using my son's iTouch. I rarely use it. My husband uses it all of the time. His FB account was opened. At first I thought it was MY FB account. I just saw FB and assumed I could jump in using it w/o thinking I needed to login. There was a message from a woman who I don't know. As soon as I opened the message, I realized it was my husband's FB account and this was a friend of his. The woman is not someone he has met IRL. She lives 3000 miles away. He knows her from a sports forum. The message was innocent -- nothing really flirty -- but it seemed like they had been sending messages. He hasn't mentioned this to me. So yeah....I snooped again. There are a few slightly flirty things my husband has said to her. I don't have everything because I am missing messages. He did say "I'm enjoying looking at your pictures." He once referred to her as attractive but he threw it in to some relationship advice he was giving her. He talks quite a bit about our kids with her but nothing about me. Once she told him that his wife is pretty and he didn't say anything. Besides the fact that she has poor eye sight , I just don't feel comfortable that he is having these exchanges with her.

I don't consider myself super possessive. My husband isn't an out and out flirty sort of guy but I have, from time to time, felt he was mildly flirtatious with someone. I'm okay with it, though I do sometimes get jealous. It is rare. I think what bothers me with these FB messages is that he hasn't told me about them and he seems to be sure to exclude me (his wife!) in most conversations ... or just mentioning me in the slightest way. This woman is attractive (and is it catty if I add in a s-lutty sort of way with overbleached hair and trying too hard FB poses?). My problems is, I don't know how to talk to my husband about how I feel without him turning the tables to my snooping. Also, I kind of like him not knowing because I have access to his FB. He will change it once he thinks I know. Or he will just leave FB all together in a huff -- and I do think there are benefits to FB and would like him to enjoy connecting with people. He may also point out that I have a lot of FB guy friends. However, I have never exchanged messages with them at this level.

*sigh* I really feel lousy right now. I don't feel great about myself and this really doesn't help.
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Old 03-09-2010, 02:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

Hi Iris,
As someone who has just had an emotional affair on FB and now trying to put back the pieces of my marriage. The only thing I can say about this from a guys perspective is that, yes it sounds like he is getting a bit of a kick out of his conversations with this woman and he is standing on the line that we are not supposed to cross and sticking his toe over to see what it feels like. In my case that is exactly what I did and when she responded to that, I didn't have the strength to resist following through with it. It was totally out of character for me as I was faithful for 18 years. I think it is not unrealistic to say that some guys can do that flirty thing and then step back if the girl start so to cross the line and they can handle that and don't really want the full blown thing but just act a bit like a naughty kid messing around with stuff that they shouldn't. But you know your H more than anyone else so, if I had to make a call on it I would say that if this is way out of character for him (because some women know there husbands to a bit of flirting but accept that because ultimately they feel he is happy and won't cross the line) then I would say he is on very dangerous grounds and it could end in tears so to speak. I think (and this is me personally, I can't say this will be the same for your husband) that had my wife caught me chatting to the girl I ended up having an EA with, and asked me who that is and why am I acting in a flirtatious way with her. It would have maybe (just maybe) have scared me a little into realizing that I was close to crossing the line and made me think more carefully about the way I was acting. The thing is though and this was the issue with me, is why was I there in the first place looking for something ? It turns out that there where things missing for me in our marriage. If he is in a marriage where he feels there is always a problem or things are not how he imagined then he will look in other places for that without even realizing it, at least that's what happened to me. And I had already gone to far before I realized that. I don't see why you have to justify looking at his e-mails etc if you see something that does not look right. I think if he has nothing to hide then he should not be worried about what you see. I think a good relationship (listen to me) is a combination of trust which you have show, because you didn't go snooping deliberately and openness which he is not showing because he is chatting with someone that he has said nothing about in a flirtatious manor. I am no expert and every situation needs to be approached differently and not all guys are the same. Just thought if you heard from my how my brain ticks a little then it might help shed some light for you.
Can't stress enough though, he may be totally innocent in what he is doing so I don't want to condemn him just because I was and A-hole
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Old 03-09-2010, 03:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

First of all, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm no expert, but I'll share my $.02.

Stop beating yourself up for looking at the email and facebook. It's not like you were being dishonest about it, and as his wife you have a right to know what's going on with him. You weren't intentionally snooping, but you found some things you should know about anyway. Of course it's best to find nothing, but it's good you find out what is happening.

If you haven't already, you might tell your husband that you would like to be kept in the loop regarding his discussions with his mother, especially when it concerns you or the children. It makes sense that he was trying to protect you, but when the rest of the family knows what's being said about you, except you, it's a little unfair.

Don't tell him you know about the woman on facebook yet, just keep watching for now. So far it could be just a friendship with a little inappropriate flirting/conversation, but you will definitely want to keep an eye on the situation.

FWIW, I have a male facebook 'friend' that I met on a television show message board and we chat on a regular basis. However, my H knows about it, and our discussions are about television, movies, sports, etc. NEVER (in three years) has there been any flirting or inappropriate conversations.
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Old 03-09-2010, 03:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

You might consider getting a Keylogger so you can monitor his computer usage beyond facebook. Not sure if you are at that point considering that you feel guilty about the email and facebook though.
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Old 03-09-2010, 03:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

I would be very surprised if my wife was currently having any kind of a social interaction with any men that I don't know, regardless of how innocent. I would be very surprised if my wife has said anything, texted, emailed, spoken anything to any man in the last 10 years that she would not have said with my full knowledge.

Your husband went past hiding a few innocent communications after the first few. He's now keeping an entire relationship from you. Don't let him try to explain it away be telling you how innocent all of the communications were. You already know that. It's the relationship itself that's out of line. WAY out of line.
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Old 03-09-2010, 06:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

OK!
Can I just say that Damn FULLCIRCLE - you are on a very positive path here (on this post and others!). I commend you greatly for gifting people with insight from your perspective. Your humble non-ego way of coming clean and understanding your path is helpful to you and helpful to others on both sides of the deal. Kudos.

Iris - You have gone with your gut. Trust yourself. And ya know what? Share this thread with your H. Its perfect! It fully shows him that you are concerned enough about respecting him - but that you care about him too much to let it go. That you feel hurt by his actions from the past - and now. AND most important, he will hear from another - JUST LIKE HIM - that he needs to snap out and wake up.

When I first found info like this online when dealing with my scenario I forwarded links and such to my H and it helped both of us. People (other than me) said what I felt and others (other than him - or me accusing him) said what he felt. It allowed us to say "See... others go through this and I care enough about you to find a way to resolve..."

Good luck. Trust yourself.
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Old 03-10-2010, 03:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

In the interest of accountability, both partners should be ready to have their accounts checked by their loved one. People who love one another do what they can to build trust in the marriage and keep it that way. I have never done that, but you were not wrong.

I do believe that your husband was trying to protect you...his intentions were good. The Facebook thing? Bad. My husband had a FB induced affair.

Best to you,

Lyn
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Old 03-10-2010, 04:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyn View Post
I do believe that your husband was trying to protect you...his intentions were good.
Interesting, but it's usually the cheater that goes with the "I lied and snuck around because if you knew truth it would hurt you" defense. I'm curious as to how in gods name a man maintaining an emotional relationship with an ex-girlfriend behind his wife's back could possibly have good intentions towards anyone but himself.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't trust my husband...

Yeah. I've heard it, myself. The "have your cake and east it, too," guy is trying to juggle it all in his own self-interest.

Lyn
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