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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-16-2013, 01:15 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's Friendship with Another Woman

You are not trapped financially if you pursue some legal action. Go talk to a lawyer. You will see that you have options.

For your own health and sanity, start doing the 180 with him:

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Old 09-16-2013, 02:46 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MariaSews View Post
He pays for everything. I don't have a job, I don't have resources and I don't even have a place to go, not to mention the devastation this is going to have on my children. I need time to get my things together and least I can see my kids everyday while I do that. I will not resort to the level of throwing him out and acting like a selfish teenager as he is doing. I just want to be here for my kids for now. The day will come when I have the resources to move out, I can be patient.

I don't want to stay here. The house is well out of my means. If I made him leave there is no way I could afford to pay for it, nor would he have enough to support himself and keep the house going at the same time. If I left and didn't ask for anything, he could keep the house and the kids could stay here, the only place they have ever known. Revenge wouldn't make me feel any better. Moving on and being with someone who respects my needs as a human being is better than revenge.
Dear MariaSews,

Before you make any decisions about how to deal with your WH's continuing affair, speak to a qualified attorney about your rights if you divorce him.

I don't recall if you've said where you live but, from the way you write, I presume you are American. The divorce laws in the U.S. are generally favorable from a SAHW's POV. Basically, he will end up owing you child support and alimony (for a period of time). In addition, you are entitled to half of the marital assets. You are allowed to spend some of your family savings for a lawyer and your WH must continue to support you and your children while a divorce is pending.

Thus, unless the two of you are broke and he is unemployed, you should have the financial means to hire a good attorney who can then help you secure your financial future.

Finally, definitely speak to a lawyer before moving out of your home because, in some states, this could be construed as "abandonment" and negatively affect your rights in a divorce.

Don't lose hope and don't give up. Get the professional help you need and you will be fine. You may even be surprised how remorseful your WH becomes once he understands what a divorce is going to cost him, emotionally, financially and in terms of time with his kids.

Stay strong.
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Old 09-16-2013, 02:51 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Your WS gets to pay for everything! If he tries not to, lawyers will make him think otherwise.
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:50 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Your WS gets to pay for everything! If he tries not to, lawyers will make him think otherwise.
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MattMatt, isn't it past your bedtime?
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:59 PM   #110 (permalink)
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He pays for everything. I don't have a job, I don't have resources and I don't even have a place to go, not to mention the devastation this is going to have on my children. I need time to get my things together and least I can see my kids everyday while I do that. I will not resort to the level of throwing him out and acting like a selfish teenager as he is doing. I just want to be here for my kids for now. The day will come when I have the resources to move out, I can be patient.
Your statement shows that you have not spoken to a lawyer. Right now divorce laws strongly favors you as the stay at home spouse, and is in fact downright unfair to the working spouse. Amazingly this would be true even if you were the one that was cheating. You are talking to your husband under a position of weakness, with him talking from a false sense of strength. You need to see an attorney right now so that you can get matters correctly stated to him.

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Originally Posted by MariaSews View Post
I don't want to stay here. The house is well out of my means. If I made him leave there is no way I could afford to pay for it, nor would he have enough to support himself and keep the house going at the same time. If I left and didn't ask for anything, he could keep the house and the kids could stay here, the only place they have ever known. Revenge wouldn't make me feel any better. Moving on and being with someone who respects my needs as a human being is better than revenge.
If the house is within his means, then it is within yours. You can get the house and the children in the divorce. He and his affair partner can be the ones living in the apartment as he get to be the part time parent. If you let him off easy in the divorce, his affair partner will be thankful that you let her just walk in and take everything from you. Just because she wants your life, does not mean that you should give it to her.
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Old 09-16-2013, 04:00 PM   #111 (permalink)
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I would not move out, nor ask him to leave at this point. Don't mess with his stuff other then move it into another room in the house.

I would start the 180,

Prepare for the worse. Start looking for a job. You will not get alimony for long. I want you to hear this. You will not get alimony for long. Most courts expect the wife (in your case) to get a job. I don't care what anyone tells you. You will not get long term alimony. Let that sit in. Your financial situation is not good, I understand, been there and I am the main bread winner. My wife was the one who was going to lose and she was expecting alimony for ever. i let her think that. She found out through a friend that what she thought she would get (long term alimony) was not going to happen. The only thing she could count on long term was my military retirement and that is several years off.

While you are going through hel* right now, start developing a plan. No matter how bleak the future looks, and it looks bleak, remember others have gone through this and worse. Your economic future will stink for the near future but you will make it. Mean while stay put, don't do anything rash.

Many attorneys will give you a free hour consulatation. I got almost all I needed to know for free.

Telling you that your husband is an arse really does nothing for you but he is an arse.
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Old 09-16-2013, 04:04 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Maria the time has come to seek legal help. Knowledge IS power and right now your scared because you feel so betrayed and powerless. So take back your power, find out your rights and work out a plan A and plan B.... if nothing else it will give you a focus.

Your husband wants to eat cake as they say. He knows how much his relationship with her is devastating you and damaging your marriage..... yet he carries on.... his ambivalence is clear.

You need to get in control of the steering wheel for yourself and your children. Your husband isn't thinking of anyone but himself and the OW at the moment.

You can do this... with a lawyer, your family and friends and the crew at TAM... you CAN do this.
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Old 09-16-2013, 04:16 PM   #113 (permalink)
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You will not get alimony for long. I want you to hear this. You will not get alimony for long. Most courts expect the wife (in your case) to get a job. I don't care what anyone tells you. You will not get long term alimony.
Without knowing the state that she lives in, you cannot make such a statement. Many Americans live it states where if you have been married for a set minimum number of years (10 to 15 years), you are entitled to lifetime alimony based on the difference between your expected lifetime earning power and that of your spouses; the OP has been married for 17 years, so lifetime alimony is a no brainer in such states. If you are not working now and have young children, you may not be required to get a job right away, so she should not get a job without talking to an attorney first, as she would literally be working so that the husband has more money to spend on his affair partner.
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Old 09-16-2013, 04:48 PM   #114 (permalink)
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Without knowing the state that she lives in, you cannot make such a statement. Many Americans live it states where if you have been married for a set minimum number of years (10 to 15 years), you are entitled to lifetime alimony based on the difference between your expected lifetime earning power and that of your spouses; the OP has been married for 17 years, so lifetime alimony is a no brainer in such states. If you are not working now and have young children, you may not be required to get a job right away, so she should not get a job without talking to an attorney first, as she would literally be working so that the husband has more money to spend on his affair partner.
Really???? The fact of the matter is that the majority of states have eliminated lifetime or what is called pernament alimony in that the law prohibit it in the majority of states. Most states will give rehabilitative alimony and that is relatively short term.

I agree that the OP should seek out legal counsel, but the days of permanent alimony are almost gone.

Permanent alimony is rare. If you don't believe me then look it up. I was married almost 30 years and my wife would have gotten alimony for a relative short period of time. Her adultery would not been much of a factor other then for spousal support, which in my case I would have brought her adultery into play. All that means is that I would not have paid her anything during the time I filed for D and until the time the D was finalized. After that, I would have paid her alimony for about 6 months to a year at the most.

Again, do your own research and seek legal advice, but long term alimony is for the most part a myth, is relatively rare, and is no longer a given.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:50 PM   #115 (permalink)
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PLEASE! DO NOT MOVE OUT!

You have been given great advice. SEE a LAWYER NOW! If you are in the US you can generally have an initial consultation for nothing. Take whatever money you can and file. NEVER leave your home in these circumstances.

Good luck
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:08 PM   #116 (permalink)
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MattMatt, isn't it past your bedtime?
No, it was only 9.50pm.

It's not just after midnight, BST, now.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:20 AM   #117 (permalink)
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Really???? The fact of the matter is that the majority of states have eliminated lifetime or what is called pernament alimony in that the law prohibit it in the majority of states. Most states will give rehabilitative alimony and that is relatively short term.
Yes, really; permanent alimony (also called lifetime alimony in some states) is still being granted. You will notice that I did not comment on the number of states that have lifetime alimony, but instead comment that "Many Americans live it states" that have such laws. I stated this because over 1/2 of the US population live in just 10 states, and of those 10 states, 9 still have permanent alimony laws still in place. Are these laws under attack in many of these states, yes they are, but until they are actually changed, they are the law. Throw in the fact that many of the other 40 states still have permanent alimony laws, and I stand by my statement that "Without knowing the state that she lives in" you were wrong in telling her that she "will not get long term alimony". You just cannot say that without knowing what state she lives in. I respect many of your past posts, and am surprised that you are debating this.
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:47 AM   #118 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MariaSews View Post
He pays for everything. I don't have a job, I don't have resources and I don't even have a place to go, not to mention the devastation this is going to have on my children. I need time to get my things together and least I can see my kids everyday while I do that. I will not resort to the level of throwing him out and acting like a selfish teenager as he is doing. I just want to be here for my kids for now. The day will come when I have the resources to move out, I can be patient.

I don't want to stay here. The house is well out of my means. If I made him leave there is no way I could afford to pay for it, nor would he have enough to support himself and keep the house going at the same time. If I left and didn't ask for anything, he could keep the house and the kids could stay here, the only place they have ever known. Revenge wouldn't make me feel any better. Moving on and being with someone who respects my needs as a human being is better than revenge.

Standing up for yourself and your children is not revenge, OP, it is survival. Your H has behaved badly and you have to take control of this situation by seeking the right help, and that starts with you seeking legal advice. You need to empower yourself by finding out what those rights are, rather than thinking of leaving the marital home and, even worse, leaving your children behind...

I also think counseling might be a good idea, because you need some support in making the right decisions and rebuilding your self-esteem.
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Old 09-17-2013, 07:29 AM   #119 (permalink)
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Dear MariaSews,

Please don't get distracted by the debate above about permanent alimony. There is no substitute for quality professional advice, so you would be best advised to speak to a good divorce attorney in your area about what your rights and responsibilities would be in a divorce before you decide on a course of action (and certainly before you move out of your home).

If you live in the U.S., your WH cannot deny you access to family funds in order to prevent you from obtaining legal advice. Definitely speak to an attorney about this before assuming that you can't afford a lawyer.

Your lawyer can also advise you about what you would likely receive in a divorce (i.e., how much child support, alimony and marital property you would receive) and, based on this, you can determine what your financial circumstances would then be.

But the broader point remains: until you start to give your WH consequences for his actions, he has no reason to change his behavior. This may or may not require you to let him know that you are prepared to divorce him over this but, clearly, you have to do something to make him uncomfortable with his "friendship."

Wishing you the best.
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Old 09-17-2013, 07:55 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Yes, really; permanent alimony (also called lifetime alimony in some states) is still being granted. You will notice that I did not comment on the number of states that have lifetime alimony, but instead comment that "Many Americans live it states" that have such laws. I stated this because over 1/2 of the US population live in just 10 states, and of those 10 states, 9 still have permanent alimony laws still in place. Are these laws under attack in many of these states, yes they are, but until they are actually changed, they are the law. Throw in the fact that many of the other 40 states still have permanent alimony laws, and I stand by my statement that "Without knowing the state that she lives in" you were wrong in telling her that she "will not get long term alimony". You just cannot say that without knowing what state she lives in. I respect many of your past posts, and am surprised that you are debating this.
I apologize for the threadjack. I will do a separate post on alimony.

When folks are going through this crap they really do need legal advice.
There are attorneys that will give a free hour. If you call several (like I did) you will get your questions answered. I then found an attorney and already knew most of the information I needed and could get down to brass tacks.
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