My wifes betrayal - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:26 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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he found this one because the symptoms were obvious. there are other std's he should check for.


More importantly is OP old lady go and get a STD test and a poly graph and a DNA for the kids (if they have any)....


All of this is to show WW that there are consequences for her actions and one of the bigest is WW facing the fact that you husband now questions her about the father of her children.

Point here is the WW must face these consequences to see how phucked up she caused things.

Granted her getting a STD test is humiliating, but when Op question her own kids w/ a DNA test..that stings!!!!

So even if the kids are and always be his, the tactic in a DNA test takes her adultory to the core of it all.

So in short *she* take the STD test also.....again part of the heavy lifting I mentioned earlier.

also I wonder how many "morning after pills" WW took? Mine took them twice...no abortions, but there were scares.

Another point I'm making is before we all shout divorce, Op needs to find out what he is *now* dealing with in a wife. The divorce talk will shut her down, and I think he needs answer and in order to do that he needs to play it cool for now and play her for some info.

Granted WW lie and can;t trust but then again it just might be time after all these years to get the monkey off her back and come clean to her husband...it happened to me!


Last edited by the guy; 09-14-2013 at 11:37 AM.
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post #17 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:33 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

You are certainly not alone. A lot of us are or were married to serial cheaters.

You must be in total shock. It's truly a horrible experience.

When I found out my husband was a serial cheater, I knew I could not stay with him. If I was going to be miserable, I would add in divorce and get on with things as soon as I could. It is extremely difficult with young children. I am hoping your children (if any), are grown.

Don't listen to her crying and begging. She had NO regard for your health all these years. My god, you both could have HIV. This is a very bad betrayal and there is no excuse at all for the position she has put you in.

I think you need to distance yourself as much as possible from your highly disturbed wife. You will most likely benefit from individual counseling. I am really sorry for you.

I know I am a stranger and you love your wife but she is an awful person to have done his to you.

See a doctor for some anxiety or sleep medication if you need it. Don't let your wife see you cry. Stay away from her and get a Good lawyer.
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post #18 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:37 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Can't imagine why anyone would want to reconcile with a spouse who did something like this. Who cares if she can be faithful from here on out? He will never be able to erase the knowledge of what a selfish, thoughtless, disrespectful, irresponsible, lying pig she is at heart. No one desreves to carry that burden in a relationship.

Divorce her swiftly and don't look back. You will be much better off alone than with such a wretched piece of trash. And yeas, she will be blaming you for her betrayal before long. Mark my words.

Start building a new life today and fill it with people who have integrity. Life is too short to squander a minute with toxic people. You can do it.

Good luck.
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post #19 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:56 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Who cares if she can be faithful from here on out?
Good luck.
Maybe Mustang1968 does?
We haven't heard from him since his 1st post.

Maybe he was getting laid on a regular bases and keep the house clean and gave a good BJ....maybe things were good in all this time...maybe she was a good friend...hell maybe he was a wife beater.....

We need more info before we all jump to the divorce chant.

Sure if she was an evil b1tch and OP got nothing from her for years then ya I'll jump on board the D bandwagon...but we still don't have the whole story.

IDK zookeeper... imagine this....I married a dirty little tramp, so what did I expect from Mrs. the guy? I'm wired different then most. So when I did the crap I did, I took that into consideration when I fogave her.

So thats why I took someone like OP WW back.

This isn't some 5-7 year marraige there is alot of history....none of which OP has mentioned, beside it being 31 years.
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post #20 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wifes betrayal

My wife was diagnosed with panic disorder in 1992. She hasn't worked outside the home since then. I paid for a housekeeper to clean the house. I have never raised a hand to her and rarely raised my voice. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and I went with her to all of her treatments. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. She works out of our home running a small business but has never made enough to talk about. I asked if she paid for the hotel rooms when she met these men and she told me that sometimes she paid half but would use her own money when she did. She says that she isn't that person any more and that she quit on her own to be a better person and a better wife.. I found out that she has had regular phone conversations with one of her lovers since the affair. He live out of state now but from the phone bills they regularly call each other. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be but I have provided her with everything she wanted these past 31 years.
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post #21 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:18 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Maybe Mustang1968 does?
We haven't heard from him since his 1st post.

Maybe he was getting laid on a regular bases and keep the house clean and gave a good BJ....maybe things were good in all this time...maybe she was a good friend...hell maybe he was a wife beater.....

We need more info before we all jump to the divorce chant.

Sure if she was an evil b1tch and OP got nothing from her for years then ya I'll jump on board the D bandwagon...but we still don't have the whole story.

IDK zookeeper... imagine this....I married a dirty little tramp, so what did I expect from Mrs. the guy? I'm wired different then most. So when I did the crap I did, I took that into consideration when I fogave her.

So thats why I took someone like OP WW back.

This isn't some 5-7 year marraige there is alot of history....none of which OP has mentioned, beside it being 31 years.
31 years of history is all the more reason for his wife to have treated him with respect and not have betrayed him in such a way. Multiple times. Lied and deceived him to cover it up. If he was a wife beater or otherwise terrible husband, why did she screw at least 10 men and then stay married to him all this time? If he was abusive, the acceptable course of action is to leave him, not cheat and cheat and cheat (oh and bring him an STD) lie and and cheat some more.

Also, are you really implying that there is a way to be a good enough spouse that cheating becomes an acceptable and forgivable pastime? I'll never be on board with that.

It is safe to assume that he has not gotten the whole truth. There are probably more men, more recently and perhaps it continues to this day. She did not come to him and proactively come clean, she was caught red handed, admitted the least she could, swore that was all and then he found more evidence. Trickle truth at its best. She is a serial cheater. I see nothing redeemable about that.

Whatever you did in your life is great if it made you happy. If you chose to excuse her betrayal because you did something else wrong, that's your business. I hope it worked out for you. Keep in mind that if you look hard enough you'll find someone who survived a car crash because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. It can sound compelling, but it is a statistical outlier, not an endorsement for not wearing seat belts.

Most people I know value trust in their marriage more highly than anything else. Even cheaters are devastated when they find out that their spouse cheated on THEM! A one-time moment of weakness at a particularly vulnerable point that is proactively confessed to before it is discovered? I doubt highly that I would reconcile but I can understand why someone else would. Serial cheating that is only partially admitted to after confrontation with irrefutable evidence? No way on Earth.
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post #22 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:24 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Hard to imagine the power dynamics after R. Does WW become a meek creature who says "Yes, dear", all the time?
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post #23 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:26 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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My wife was diagnosed with panic disorder in 1992. She hasn't worked outside the home since then. I paid for a housekeeper to clean the house. I have never raised a hand to her and rarely raised my voice. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and I went with her to all of her treatments. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. She works out of our home running a small business but has never made enough to talk about. I asked if she paid for the hotel rooms when she met these men and she told me that sometimes she paid half but would use her own money when she did. She says that she isn't that person any more and that she quit on her own to be a better person and a better wife.. I found out that she has had regular phone conversations with one of her lovers since the affair. He live out of state now but from the phone bills they regularly call each other. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be but I have provided her with everything she wanted these past 31 years.
My heart breaks for you. I understand it is hard to face this devastating truth. Are you able to face the fact that she may be cheating up to this very day? That wouldn't really matter to me (she would be out when I learned of the very first kiss) but maybe it does to you.
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post #24 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:31 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Sorry you are here. Your wife lied to you and your marriage was a lie. I dont see that crying changes anything, she is a cheater and she will not change. They are fake tears! think about the facebook, the online dating, the hotel rent, using her own money??? that money was not supposed to help he family??? this woman cannot change. Find professional counseling for you. Also get test for more STD. Sorry you have to go through this.
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post #25 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:33 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

She still had the dating profile
She was still reaching that OM you were informed first
She's still talking with a different OM

She never stopped.
You still have no more than the tip of the iceberg.

Have her write a timeline of all her transgression (she cant remember all) and then force her to take a poly to back up the info.
I garantee you more disclosures, she can't possibly remember the countless OMs she had sex with let along the ones she never let go that far as having sex.

If she had a pannic disorder she sure managed to keep it while going to hotels. It's more than likely she brought home many of them.


Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
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post #26 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:46 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

You sound like a good man.
Go get these 2 books "No More Mr. Nice guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life".
BTW, MMSL has nothing to do with sex.
Another book that helped me was "After The Affair".

Start educating your self, it helped me deal and heal.

She needs to write a NC letter to the OM she still contacts. This letter must include how bad the OM is and how bad she is for betraying such a good husband, making a statement in how much better of a man her husband is versus what a vampire the OM is. The no contact letter must include how much better you are and make no apology for "breaking up" OM.

The NC letter isn't about "we can't talk anymore, sorry" but " we are awful, he is awful and my husband is way better man then the OM could ever be and what they did was just a fantasy that tore families apart".

However she wants to word it , you must read it before the *both* of you send it. As long as it proclaims you as the better man and Om as the lesser man.
with the OM...she should denounce the Om and make it clear how wrong they both are
Her current EA has to stop or MC won;t mean sh1t.
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post #27 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:53 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

If she really wants this marriage she'll write a NC letter...again another consequence.

If the OM is married expose this to her(OMW=other mans wife)...again another consequence she should face!

If your old lady is realy remorseful she will not protect the OM .

If she is full of sh1t she will get pissed and fight you not only on the exposure, but the NC letter.
If she is truelly a different person she will face these consequences instead of sweeping them under the rug and risking this from happening again. Actually its still happening , but not on a physical level.

I may not be able to spell but I do know that with out consequences bad behavior continues.

Who knows your WW's biggest consequences might be lossing you if she doesn't play her cards right by submitting to what you need to start healing.
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post #28 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:58 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Her current EA has to stop or MC won;t mean sh1t.
It is not an EA. He is a former(supposedly) lover. They have already been physical. This contact is merely a continuation of their PA. Just because there may be distance or other factors than make sex impactical right now doesn't change the nature of their relationship. Once it crosses a threshold, there is no going back.

Won't hurt for him to read the books you suggested. I disagree with any advice for attempts at reconciliation, but it is always a good thing to look at our own flaws and work to improve.
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post #29 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 12:59 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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She still had the dating profile
She was still reaching that OM you were informed first
She's still talking with a different OM

She never stopped.
You still have no more than the tip of the iceberg.

Have her write a timeline of all her transgression (she cant remember all) and then force her to take a poly to back up the info.
I garantee you more disclosures, she can't possibly remember the countless OMs she had sex with let along the ones she never let go that far as having sex.

If she had a pannic disorder she sure managed to keep it while going to hotels. It's more than likely she brought home many of them.
I'm thinking she has been doing this to long to be dump enough to bring it home.

I could be wrong, and thats why you need to play her and see if she is willing to get the monkey off her back and take the time to trickle truth this adultorus life style she *was* living.

I mean we all have seen enough porn to know what went on but there are years of details regards to who, what and when that you can get if you play her the right way.
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post #30 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 01:07 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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It is not an EA. He is a former(supposedly) lover. They have already been physical..
I stand corrected.

But...

In WW head she thinks she is a different person now...and she ain't. Not as long as the OM is infecting her.

Just like any addiction WW trys to slow down, wiene off of her drug a little at a time. At we all know that doesn't work.

(analogy time) You can;t stop drinking when you hang out in bars = you can't affair proof a marriage when you still talk to OM.
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