Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

My wifes betrayal

134K views 236 replies 87 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.
 
See less See more
#72 ·
Mustang, the timeline we speak of will help eliminate all the doubt you have as to where you were when this garbage transpired. It gives you some peace of mind for the times, or possible gut feelings you had if she was being unfaithful. Now you have some truth, not all, but at least you have confirmation that you are not crazy. In my world and what I do for a living, I trust my gut. I was a whisper away from being killed twice. Any hesitation of me not listening or a second delay of reaction, I would have been a grease spot on the freeway and shot. If your gut is telling you "you don't have it all" then you don't. For me I need all the info I can gather to make an informed decision on how best to react or make that decision, good or bad. Unfortunately all you have is bad and worse. STD, sir for me I'm not sure if I could hold back my anger and shear disappointment in my partner. Trust, respect, love, admiration, all GONE!!! Please forgive me for hammering this but if you don't have trust you might as well forget the rest. You just don't have it all and you probably never will, it might be too painful of information and even a bigger pill to swallow. Hang in there.
 
#76 ·
. . . Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me . . .

She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs . . .


I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her . . .
. . . I paid for a housekeeper to clean the house . . .

She was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and I went with her to all of her treatments. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her . . .
I found out that she has had regular phone conversations with one of her lovers since the affair. He live out of state now but from the phone bills they regularly call each other . . .
We never had children. All of this took place during the time that we were trying to conceive. In the back of my mind is this thought that she was on birth control the whole time which is why we have no children. I asked her if she had been on birth control and she denied it but I can't believe anything she says . . . I am 51 years old. I do work out but I've put on a few pounds over the years. We started dating at 16, married at 20.
Dear Mustang1968,

You have devoted more than 30 years of your life to your WW. In return, she has cheated on you repeatedly in the most vile way with at least 10 men over the course of more than a decade , has given you a STP, is still in touch with at least one of the OM and -- this is what I find most horrible -- denied you the chance of having children. All the while, she happily accepted your love, devotion and support, including while she was recovering from cancer. You even paid for someone to do the housework so that (unbeknownst to you) she could have time for her affairs.

I can't think of any example on TAM/CWI in which a WW has treated her BH with more disrespect or cruelty.

As others have recommended, get professional help for your mental health so that this does not destroy you. Also:

- even though you say you're not ready to file for divorce, speak to a divorce attorney immediately to find out how best to protect yourself financially,

- start to disengage from your WW (see "the 180") to prepare for eventual separation,

- expose what she has done to everyone who cares about your marriage (yours and her families, close friends, pastor/priest/rabbi) and

- let your employer know what you are going through so that he/she understands if your work suffers.

Believe me when I say this: you will eventually divorce your WW. You cannot spend the rest of his life with a woman who has done to you what your WW has done.

So, your task now is to prepare for your new life by protecting your health, preserving as many of your financial assets as possible and eventually accepting that you need to divorce your WW and move on without her.

My heart goes out to you.
 
#78 ·
***EDITED***
So, your task now is to prepare for your new life by protecting your health, preserving as many of your financial assets as possible and eventually accepting that you need to divorce your WW and move on without her.
I couldn't agree with this more C.O..

He thinks he want's to save what he had, but what he had NEVER WAS. At least not for long any way.

From here on out, when ever he looks at his wife, he will wonder. How many men have had sex with her?... How many times has she done sex acts with them, that she would never do with me?... How could I have not seen it when it was happening?... These questions and many others will run through his mind, over and over and over.

I can't even imagine the mind movies that he is going to suffer through.

Then one question will keep reoccurring to him, more and more. Why the hell am I still with this person?... This is the only question that he will ever be sure of an answer if he finds it, because his wife can't lie, or with hold the truth about this one.

Eventually he will realize that the answer(s)/reason(s) he stayed with her are not worth the pain anymore and he will file for D. The first time he hits the "anger" stage, it'll have begun.
 
#80 ·
What is her explanation for why and how she entered the life of a swinger?

I'm calling what she did swinging, because it doesn't sound like these were love affairs where she intended to leave you to be with,

Instead she used you to provide a home and someone to keep her company when she was between romps.

But think about it. She has lied to your face for years, without hesitation or anxiety. For years , countless nights and days she's said goodbye to you , acted completely normal, and inside was eagerly planning on meeting one or more of her sexual partners for playtime.

To her being the wild sexual playmate for numerous men , while you got her old wife side, was her lifestyle. A life she rejected you being a part of - what I mean is it obvious she was living a no holds barred sex life with these many other men.

What kind of sexual partner was she to you during your marriage? Has she put effort and passion into you? Has she done anything you've ever dreamed of?

Ask her how many times she denied you , so she'd be clean for her lovers? Ask her how many things she denied you, but willingly and eagerly did for them? Ask her how many times she came home after sex with them, and then had sex with you?

See that deep total rejection and disrespect she's had for you?


She's also shown that she will take active steps to conspire against you getting the truth about the person she really is. Even when directly presented with evidence she repeatedly denied and lied, and didn't show an ounce of anxiety, guilt, or worry.

So at this point it's very doubtful you've actually gotten the full truth. If she's admitted to 10, the reality is going to be heck of a lot worse than 10. If she's admitting to unprotected PIV, anal, oral this these guys, the reality maybe much worse. Think multiple men, parties etc.

That's why I call her's a swingers life - it's as if her hobby was to meet men and have sex.

All the while not showing an ounce of guilt or anxiety towards you.

Sir, that says a lot about her mental and emotional make up, and frankly it's pretty scary when you think about what's at the core of her emotions, her morals, and her personal integrity.

An expected response from a person in a sexual relationship with another person, would have been emotional attachment to the new partner and detachment from the old partner (you). Yet, it sounds like she had these numerous sexual partners without such emotions. - that shows a cold detachment inside her.

An expected response when you betray someone is anxiety and guilt. Anxiety about getting caught. Guilt for betraying your spouse and vows.

Yet she had neither. It was simply not a problem for her.

Yet, now she's got an anxiety disorder.

I'm suspecting there is a lot of issues and mental problems that she has been carrying around for decades.

This is honestly one of the worst stories of betrayals I've read here on TAM in the years I've been here.

My advice:

1. For your own sake, demand a full timeline from when she started her lifestyle, including names, places, trips she went on with them.

2. Demand a polygraph from her. Including asking about birth control and abortions.

3. Get yourself a full STD work up including HIV.

4. Immediately protect your assists and records. She's shown how cold and heartlessly she will betray you, when she gets wind of you D, she'll use that same cold detachment to strike at you. Safe all your tax records off site, move money and investments to where she can get them.

5. Hire a shark lawyer.

6. Use the information you got from her to bargain for her giving you a fast easy clean divorce. Basically, offer to not expose to everyone her lifestyle in exchange for an immediate and clean divorce, and that she leaves your life completely and forever.

7. Take her confession and find each wife of the men she swung with an expose to the wives so they can get themselves tested for HPV and other STDs.
 
#81 ·
Btw, has she ever been examined by a physiatrist ? Her behavior is pretty off the chart and may be a sign of a bigger disorder like bi-polar , or something else.

Basically it just isn't how normal people are wired - they would not only not carry on a long term secret life, but more importantly they wouldn't even want too. That she did it with out emotion or guilt really is a huge red flag about her mental state all these years.
 
#90 ·
You do not need more info to feed your nightmares. End it. There is no story that will make this acceptable. At 51 you still can find a good woman. The longer you wait to end it the longer it will take to recover. And find her. Do not let the shock paralyze you. Move on. Forget the timeline and polygraphs those are not options in a case this bad. Best of luck.
 
#92 ·
I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.


She didnt ended her A yrs ago, she was still looking for hook ups and rekindle with OM.

I do believe that she wanted to be with you, how can she leave a person who provides well for her hook ups and life style she is having.

But when did she started hook ups? Did she gave you any timeline? was she doing this from the beginning?


She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me
She cries a lot and you are confused about leaving her, this is the thing she wanted, purpose of her tears served.

Record her confession on a VAR before filing for Divorce.
 
#94 ·
Op sorry for the spot you are in. I do agree with much that has been said. You likely do not have all of the truth yet.

She obviously had unprotected sex with other men while trying to conceive with you. How degrading.

You look back on your 31 year marriage but you didn't really have that. You had a lie she suckered you into. In fact she's still lung and my guess is that you know it.

She hasn't quit the old swinging life style. That's why she holding on to om and chatting him up.

Maybe she got older and it became harder to attract OM's. maybe something bad did happen and she got scared. Any way you slice it. She certainly didnt stop because she wanted to be a better wife. What a joke.

It is question time for you. Do you want to attempt to r with this woman?

If yes I would absolutely insist on full std work ups and a polygraph.

If you want to d. Understand that you are still young enough to rebuild your life without the lying cheating spouse.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#95 · (Edited)
OP,

I'm very sorry about what you're going through. Many of us on here have faced betrayal, but this is particularly brutal. So much so, that I think the odds are very small that you'll be able to get past it - no matter how remorseful she may act, no matter if she never cheats again.

So it's probably a wise decision to divorce her and move on with your life. I wouldn't recommend R and I think you'd be making a mistake to try. But it's your life and your decision.

But an even worse mistake to make, would be to attempt R without you giving and her accepting, every consequence she deserves. The other posters have spelled those out.

Even before you decide what to do, the first consequence needs to be separation from her. Shouldn't be a problem to do that without children. Spend "at least" a couple of weeks away from her and sort out your feelings. File for D during that period and have her served. Let her understand what it feels like to loose her husband over this.

Then watch how she reacts. Look for acceptance of these consequences and unwavering remorse. If you don't get it, she's made the decision for you; because there is zero chance you'll R successfully without it.

Even if she does demonstrate remorse, the separation time will give you time to make the best choice on what to do. But I'm telling you, I don't think most men could get past this.

Good luck and keep posting.
 
#96 ·
OP,

I've very sorry about what you're going through. Many of us on here have faced betrayal, but this is particularly brutal. So much so, that I think the odds are very small that you'll be able to get past it - no matter how remorseful she may act, no matter if she never cheats again.

So it's probably a wise decision to divorce her and move on with your life. I wouldn't recommend R and I think you'd be making a mistake to try. But it's your life and your decision.

But an even worse mistake to make, would be to attempt R without you giving and her accepting, every consequence she deserves. The other posters have spelled those out.

Even before you decide what to do, the first consequence needs to be separation from her. Shouldn't be a problem to do that without children. Spend "at least" a couple of weeks away from her and sort out your feelings. File for D during that period and have her served. Let her understand what it feels like to loose her husband over this.

Then watch how she reacts. Look for acceptance of these consequences and unwavering remorse. If you don't get it, she's made the decision for you; because there is zero chance you'll R successfully without it.

Even if she does demonstrate remorse, the separation time will give you time to make the best choice on what to do. But I'm telling you, I don't think most men could get past this.

Good luck and keep posting.
This^^^ and let good longtime friends know what has happened so you have a support network you can't keep this bottled up jmo.
 
#101 ·
I found out today that my wife made the OM things for his apartment. As I look around our house I realize there's nothing here that she has made. I also came to the realization today that she basically lives a life of leisure. She has been going out of her way lately to tell me she loves me every chance she gets. I have seen anger from her at the OM's wife for informing me of her cheating. She even wrote her a nasty email accusing her of harassment. I am generous by nature but the veil has been lifted and I am angry that I was taken advantage of. I am going to consult a lawyer for advice on where to go from here. I am also going to start seeing a therapist. BTW, she was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for her panic disorder and never mentioned her problem of sleeping with other men. Guess she didn't think that needed to be mentioned because she had it under control and it wasn't a problem.
 
#132 ·
Mustang, so sorry that your world has been turned upside down and inside out. You have received excellent advise, take some time to absorb it all. I am horrified and somewhat nauseated reading of your spouses betrayal, but this just leaves me shaking my head in disbelief.
I have seen anger from her at the OM's wife for informing me of her cheating. She even wrote her a nasty email accusing her of harassment.
She has the unmitigated gall to email her AP's betrayed wife accusing her of harassment? UFB, truly unbelievable. You might want to mention that nugget to her therapist.
 
#107 ·
<<Angry at the OM's wife? That's not remorse. If she were remorseful, she'd be grateful that the deceit is over and that you can no longer be hurt by fresh betrayal, grateful that she now can begin repairing your relationship. No, words will not suffice here.>>

Agree, even my WH's OW (EA) apologized to me for hurting me, again (2 Xs same OW) and it was not nearly as heinous as what you are discovering has happened. Her anger is greatly misplaced.

I think talking to a lawyer and getting some IC is a great idea for you right now. Take back the power.
 
#108 ·
I was married for 30 years when I found out my wife had a year long A. It was devastating. I am not sure how I would have handled multiple partners over a number of years.

Take this in steps. See a lawyer about your rights in your state, get into IC right now and get checked for a full panels of STD's again. You do not believe anything she has told you at this point so do not take her word about this either. Protect yourself!

Start the 180 now and start taking care of yourself. I imagine your head is spinning and most of it has to do with painful mind movies. I have not read the whole string I hope you have confided in a friend or family member. You need support to get through this.

As far as remorse goes it does not sound like she is there. After you talk with the lawyer I would consider throwing her out no matter what you decide R or D. She needs a wake up call and you need some peace of mind
 
#109 ·
And schedule a polygraph ASAP. You need to know the full extent of her cheating.

Be prepared for the parking lot confession outside the polygraph office.

When she does, keep the appointment because she'll still be minimizing with the parking lot confession,

See she's been lying so much for so long, that telling the truth is simply something she's lost the ability to do.
 
#111 ·
I highly doubt, given her current mindset she would ever agree to a polygraph. She won't let herself go so far to a last minute/parking lot confession wich of course will be a "confession" itself.
She will ask time to think, to consult her spych, will deflect, delay... No chancein hell she's going to spill the beans.
 
#110 ·
I should tell you if you are think of trying to R. It is a long, bumpy road, with lots of twists and pain to deal with. At this point I can say I am glad we are working on things.

At the same time I have come to the realization that R will never be something that ends. It will always be something from our past a pain that she inflicted on our marriage and our family.

I still have sleepless nights but it is now once in awhile and not every night and most of the time when I have a drink it is for enjoyment and not trying to drown my pain.

I am not sure if the Pain and the Sleepless nights will ever completely go away
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top