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My wifes betrayal

134K views 236 replies 87 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.
 
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#113 ·
I know this sounds bad Mustang, but given the level of betrayal...this is the only advice I can give.

1. Make her get a job. This is to help with number 2.
2. After she has a job, divorce her. Her being employed will help you keep more money. It's still going to cost a lot, but every penny will be worth it.
3. AFTER the divorce, go out and date. At 51, you're going to be MOBBED by women. Find a wonderful woman that will love and respect you the way you deserve.
4. Enjoy watching your 51 year old wife suffer greatly because, as much as she can have her flings, when she's single and alone, those same flings start to feel pretty hollow when noone actually loves you.
 
#114 ·
So here is what I think her plan is.

1. Continue to deny to anything more.Only admit what you've found out.

2. Repeat it, and keep telling you how she's not like that, that you are the one for her, that you should be happy that after years and hundred of sexual encounters with these men, that she chose you. That you won!

3. She'll maybe throw some sex at you.

4. she'll throw some tears and snot

5. She'll make you feel guilty as hell for even thinking of abandoning her now when she needs your love and help and support more than ever.

6. Btw, based on her past conspiracy to protect her affairs and lovers, she'll be actively right now taking steps to cover her tracks even better. She'll be reaching out to former and current lovers to synchronize stories, and warning them that their shared lifestyle of hookups maybe exposed by you.

7. She'll be telling current ones to lay low for a while until she gets you back on the dark, and that when she's having sex with you to get you complacent, that she'll really be thinking of them, but she has to do this to protect her financial support system. That once the storm has cleared that she will be in touch and they'll hook up soon.

It's called damage control. They have places like AM for hook ups like hers and there used to be a ******* site that gave advice on how to handle husbands who caught onto some of the truth.


Actions you might want to take

1. Purge her wardrobe of intimate clothes. Now you know those sext lingerie, shoes, clothes have never been for you. So get them out of the house.

2. Do you have any old computers or cell phones sitting in closets from years ago? See if you can get into them and find old messages etc.

3. Put a key logger onto her computer and vars in the house to see who she's talking to during the day.

4. You say she doesn't go out, so have men come to her at your house?


The fact that you haven't left sounds like her plan is working. See, shock of betrayal wears off in time. She's banking on you deciding the you are more afraid of dumping her and you maybe being alone, than you are of staying and going through the hell of accepting what she did to you.
 
#115 ·
You are not to far in yrs. from that point where you would be with your spouse 24/7/365----based on retirement----the question you need to decide is can you stand being with her----knowing what she has done to you

Take the facts---1st she is still treating you as 2nd class, or her backup plan----she shows a temper agst---the betrayed wife of her present lover---and he is still a lover, as she is still in contact with him----

WHAT RIGHT DOES YOUR WIFE HAVE TO DISPLAY A TEMPER AGST THE OTHER BETRAYED WIFE---THAT WOMAN IS TRYING TO PROTECT HER OWN MGE---SHE IS FIGHTING FOR HER OWN MGE---AND YOUR WIFE, WHO IS A HOMEWRECKER, WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES OVER---IS MAD AT HER---YOUR WIFE IS SPOSE TO BE SHOWING REMORSE AND WORKING ON HER OWN MGE---AND WHAT DOES SHE DO, SHE GETS MAD AT THE OTHER BETRAYED WIFE---YOUR WIFE IS NOT INTO YOUR MGE., WHATSOEVER---BASED ON THAT ONE FACT ALONE

Add to that---she still was on the dating site, up until you confronted her with proof she couldn't lie about

Her panic attacks---where was the panic, as she went out to meet all her lovers

The cancer is not a good thing, but the only thing it might have done is to slow down her escort service activities

How bad could your mge have been---yet she has lied for WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, as she looks you in the eyes night after night and said everything was OK---how many nights were you given sloppy 2nds---if given sex at all-------how many times were you replaced as the H, by her wanting to be with a lover, and then being FORCED TO COME HOME TO YOU---for you see, you were the boring, same old, same old H---you were there, and you were/are her bankroll

Can you really spend the rest of your life with her---knowing the real FACTS
 
#116 ·
Another complication arose today. I went through all of her email contacts and based on IM status and other things identified some of her other lovers. One of the men has a Facebook page with wedding pictures of himself and wife and they looked extremely young. She may be in the same situation that I am in. I told my wife that she needs to be informed that she should be tested for STD's. My wife doesn't want to inform her and ruin her life as well as the lives of their four children. My feeling is that she is at risk for cervical cancer and other things and needs this information. My wife said it would ruin the kids lives. I asked her if having their mother die from cervical cancer wouldn't ruin their lives?
I asked her if she wore her wedding band while she was screwing the OM. She did. She didn't even have the decency to take it off while she was betraying me. She sees her therapist tomorrow. I told her that I wan't her to give the therapist permission to talk to me so that I can make sure she doesn't minimize or sugar coat what she's done.
Lots of tears and "I'm sorries" today.
 
#120 ·
Mustang, you are doing well, all things considered. Really. Your wife is sensing your strength and wanting you to use it to save her. But if you do that you'll feel even worse. No, she must really feel for you. Right now she is still trying to prevent collateral damage.

Get her to write the OMW to warn her about about HPV. My cousin died of cervical cancer and she believed her ex gave it to her after cheating with a his dope smoking younger woman.
 
#123 ·
It was a huge mistake to informe her about exposing the truth to this woman. It should be you the one to tell her, victim to victim, with empathy and without warning your wife; she's clearly in full damage control, cutting avenues to keep you in the dark, lashing out to those poor wives... she's warning this man as we are speaking and that woman will suffer the same treatment you have being suffering: gaslighting and emotional abuse. This very moment this OM is warning his wife about a total nut job, abusive monster who potential is gpoinf to contact her to make horrible accusations.

When did she start with this crap, man?
Did you talk to a lawyer?
Did you already demand the timeline plus the polygraph?
Have you the snooping tools in place?

A new warning: please, please don't back off on exposing those wives no matter whay her psych will say, and it's a garantee she will be opposed to it, her role is to make things as easy as she can and to protect your wife even from herself.
 
#124 ·
Mustang, obviously what you decide is completely up to you.

However, although I think this has been pointed out to you before, I think it bears repeating.

Over the years she has been used to grabbing a bit of strange whenever she felt like it. I'm not a psychiatrist, far from it, but I suspect this type of behaviour is now ingrained in her very psyche.

She has admitted to 10 episodes of adultery. Do you think there were more?
Is she only admitting to those that she had sex with?

Is she not counting kissing, fondling, BJ's etc?

How the heck can she guarantee that she won't give in to this compulsion 2 months. 6 months, 2 years from now?

It's not as if she had a fling with one man then regretted it.
 
#127 ·
Mustang, you're 51. Not young, but not too old to move on to faster horses and younger women. If you've got a young attitude, you could still be a father, if reproduction interests you.

Get in the shape of your life by taking up weight training and get your waist at the navel down to 32". You will soon have a number of 30 year old divorcées on your doorstep. One of my clients is 72 and has a very attractive 36 year old wife. Another is 62 and dates a rotation of 40 year-olds.

Whatever you decide, you need to get rid of this woman.
 
#135 ·
This is so heartbreaking!! You have invested 35 years in this relationship, and you literally wake up one day and find out your wife is not the person you believed she was. She is someone else! Like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I cannot imagine the enormous sense of betrayal, the sense of loss and futility in life you are likely experiencing. I am sure you have thought of divorce. At the same time you might yearn on some level for reconciliation and a way to believe your spouse again. Here are a couple of questions to consider: Do you think you can ever trust her again? Do you think the trust would be warranted? For many, many years she has lead a double life. She has been able to look you in the eyes, pretending to be a loyal partner, while carrying on sexual and emotional relationships with others. She says she loves you. Is that how real love is supposed to look like? It's overwhelming to find out the entire relationship for years has been a lie from her side. Like when a person we love dies, we don't want to believe it. First, it will take time to overcome your denial and disbelief. It is a process, but you can come to terms with the loss in time. A grief counselor, or any qualified counselor may be able to provide some help, and solace. It's therapeutic and relieving just to have someone to talk to and get things off your chest. It's what we women (most of us) do by nature, for free, with our female friends and sisters. Men sometimes have a hard time expressing and sharing their grief, but learning that behavior can be facilitated by a counselor.

There has been a lot of discussion on here about the number of partners your wife has had. Really consider, does it matter to you if it's ten or twenty or thirty? The issue is the same regardless of the number of partners. The issue it seems is that there has been a long-term pattern of betrayal spanning many years that was completely hidden from you all this time. And when you were getting clued in, there was every effort on her part to deceive and continue to keep you in the dark. There has just been no honesty that you can rely on in this individual. No fundamental honesty at all. There has also been talk here about submitting her to a polygraph. Her taking a polygraph at this point is really pointless, and solves nothing. If it reveals more betrayals, what does that prove? A polygraph is only helpful if you can tolerate 10 partners, but have a cut-off somewhere above 10 partners. So if you can' t tolerate 17 partners, for example, but can forgive any number below 17, then a polygraph might make sense. Please consider, what are your deal-breakers in a marriage? Do your deal-breakers include infidelity, dishonesty, and reckless disregard for your health (as in willingness to pass STDs to you through unprotected sex), or are your deal-breakers something else? If these are your deal-breakers, then being hung up on details like number of partners will take away from your focus on what's really important to you.

Sometimes couples stay in marriages after infidelity and other deal-breakers if they feel the overall outcome of divorce will hurt their young children. If you have children, and they are adults living their own lives, you at least don't have to worry about the burden of damaging young children in their developmental years. You have the blessing of being able to be purely selfish (in a good way) and decide what you think will be best for you, and only you. You can leave this relationship, if that's what you want, without any potential feelings of guilt over hurting growing children in a divorce. True, your adult children will be saddened, but they will understand, and their developmental years are past now, I presume.

Then there is the fear of being alone, which presents itself to any of us, at any age, when a long-term relationship or marriage fails. It's the biggest demon I think that keeps us trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Who would want someone who lies and cheats and hurts our health? Nobody! None of us would want such a person, if asked in advance, let's say by a genie with a crystal ball. But you've already gotten this bad hand of cards in life as far as this mate is concerned, and it's hard to leave after the fact, after the relationship has already existed, no matter how crappy the hand. It would be so nice to have a guarantee that if you played the game again, you'd get a good hand. Sadly, life has no guarantees. Wish it did! The hard part about life is, how do we muster the courage to try again when there is no guarantee of success? It's what makes decisions about relationships so hard. And, while you've invested many years into this crappy hand of cards, you can still muster that courage to try again! It takes a real act of faith in what the future can hold. If you do leave the comfort and familiarity of a relationship you have learned is false and abusive, life can and will get better.
If you can't jump into the decision of divorce right away, perhaps you can try separation. Have your wife move out. She cheated repeatedly and deceived unconscionably. Don't pity her or feel sorry for her! Maybe she can just move in with one of her guys. I want to just say "WHO CARES??!!". But, I know you do, and that is the draw. But, however you do it, I think you need to try separation. While you're separated, mingle and date and get your feet in the water again when it comes to socializing with the opposite sex. When you get out there, you will see that there are other options for you. The knowledge that there are other appealing options of mates for you can make a tremendous difference in recovering from the sense of loss brought on by infidelity. Nowadays, there are all kinds of websites for dating, for all types of people and all ages. All dating websites are not seedy hook-up sites for discreet affairs and casual sex like the one your wife used. The website she used I'm sure is very popular among cheaters. On the flip-side there are websites for people who are single, divorced, and separated who are serious about finding long-term companions for serious relationships, love, and even marriage. You may not feel ready to consider all this, but maybe come back to it when you're ready. Just know that life doesn't have to be bleak and empty after separation and divorce. You have other options. You always have other options. It's just a matter of when you are emotionally ready to consider them and pursue them!
 
#136 ·
<<. My wife doesn't want to inform her and ruin her life as well as the lives of their four children. My feeling is that she is at risk for cervical cancer and other things and needs this information. My wife said it would ruin the kids lives. I asked her if having their mother die from cervical cancer wouldn't ruin their lives?>>

Using excuses like this so she doesn't have to own up to the havoc she has wreaked is typical. She wasn't worried about the OM's kids when she was involved with him. And she doesn't want to ruin the life of the OM'sW ...too late! Excuses.

You both write the NC letter to the OM and send it. That way HE knows that YOU know. Also send a letter to the OM'sW. She needs this information to be able to decide how to proceed with her life. Even if it is to stay with the OM she has the right to this info.
 
#143 ·
Jesus these godamm cheaters. Does it never end

Been where you are, but spread over two relationships of 20 years

Serial cheats can never change. You can analyze it all to kingdom come, childhood problems, maybe abuse, maybe neglect and that's all valid in it's own way, BUT ultimately in the final analysis what it really means is that they completely fk up everybody elses life as well as their own.

I stopped giving them a sympathetic round of applause for that a long time ago

Again the truth is what you have to recollect upon is that most of your marriage is a lie and she did'nt give two seconds of thought to that

It will take time for you to grasp the full magnitude of it all but the mist of the betrayed 'fog' will gradually clear and you will see there is a better life than chasing through the wreckage that will always be in front of you should you entertain staying in it

In fact that's a good visualization all you have to look forward to here is wreckage - unending wreckage

Good luck with it all
 
#144 ·
Mustang, do you drive a Mustang. You deserve to buy yourself one, an old classic model to pick up dates in the summer.

Your wife cries and feels bad for other people. Right. She felt bad when she was fornicating with them them in secret, too. Their wives deserve to know. Make her write letters of confession and apology to them.
 
#145 ·
The OP hasn't logged in for 10 days. I wonder if he told his WW that she needed to take a poly. She either out right said no, or is giving monumental TT to 'Stang and he's had enough.

You have to feel for someone like this, To find out the their whole marriage and more than half their life was a lie.
 
#147 ·
I went to my first session today with a counselor. I conveyed my story to her and she said that I had been dealt a crappy hand. That for the last 15 years my marriage had been a lie. She said it would take some time for me to sort this out and come to terms with it and that I would probably vacillate between wanting to keep what was comfortable and leaving for something new. I am fixated now on trying to find out as much about what was going on as humanly possible. My wife asked me why and I told her that the last 15 years weren't what I thought and I'm now trying to figure out exactly what they were. I have contacted some of the OM. I will tell you that if you want to get the attention of the man who slept with your wife try calling them at their place of employment. That gets their undivided attention. I guess they're afraid that you'll blow the whistle or tell someone they work with. Most had changed email accounts so that they were hard to contact but their work numbers were easy to find. I could hear fear in their voices when they asked me why I was calling.
 
#148 ·
I am fixated now on trying to find out as much about what was going on as humanly possible. .
What on Earth for? Have you not taken enough abuse from this woman? You need more pain? Then carry on.


I guess they're afraid that you'll blow the whistle or tell someone they work with
More likely they're afraid you're going to tell their wives.


Mustang1968, if this is a true story ... what the hell are you doing??? Get the heck out of this marriage if that's what you think it was ... I certainly don't, your counselor doesn't seem to either. Have some self respect man and move on with your life.

Quit wasting precious time.
 
#150 ·
Mustang, why are you with her?

She betrayed you for 15 solid years. Are you staying out of fear?

She surely has lost even more respect for you because before you were just the poor in the dark guy she cheated on continuously, you stayed because you didn't know the truth about her lack of love or respect for you.

But now you know. The marriage was a complete lie, and you were the guy who filled the time between dates and payed the bills.

So I'm asking, why are you still there?

Is there a actual breaking point where you will divorce her? Is there a point that your self esteem and pride will stop accepting the lies and abuse no more and will kick her out?
 
#153 ·
Mustang,

I am so happy to hear that you have begun counseling! I believe your counselor is right about every point she makes. And it is true, as she says, that you will likely vacillate between staying and leaving the relationship. I think that's only normal to vacillate - even when it's a crappy hand we get dealt in life, it's our hand that we have invested many years in. Don't beat yourself up about that. Allow yourself the time to reflect and sort things through. Even though it seems to many on the list that you should just be able to instantly make up your mind, or else they imply 'what the heck is wrong with you', allow yourself the time you need to come to terms with reality and decide for yourself what you want. You will see that if you spend the internal time necessary, your final decision will be stronger, firmer and well thought out. For example, if you leave (which I think is the better decision, by the way), you will have less regrets and self-doubt if you sort it all out in your head and heart first.
I just hope you are able to gather the strength in the end to entertain a life without her. Odds are very good that life won't deal you such a crappy hand twice in a row! The next time around, you will get a far better hand, I'm sure! And you may be even luckier than most, and find someone who is a true soulmate.
But that cannot happen if you continue to accept someone who does not love you as you deserve to be loved in life.
When I have a hard time making a decision, I just picture myself on my deathbed someday, and envision the moment where I ask myself the question, did I go after everything I really wanted, and will I die with any regrets? Life is so short, and there are so many opportunities that we squander, until when all our time runs out, we wish we could go back and do it differently.
Just don't let your dreams of what you want in life, including your love life, die with the disappointment this woman has brought to your life. Don't be afraid to try again, to find a real love in your life!

MelodyAnn
 
#155 ·
I agree.

Although I suppose it is easy to sit here and say there must have been signs she does sound like a very accomplished adulteress.
 
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