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post #76 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 10:13 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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. . . Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me . . .

She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs . . .


I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her . . .
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. . . I paid for a housekeeper to clean the house . . .

She was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and I went with her to all of her treatments. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her . . .
I found out that she has had regular phone conversations with one of her lovers since the affair. He live out of state now but from the phone bills they regularly call each other . . .
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Originally Posted by Mustang1968 View Post
We never had children. All of this took place during the time that we were trying to conceive. In the back of my mind is this thought that she was on birth control the whole time which is why we have no children. I asked her if she had been on birth control and she denied it but I can't believe anything she says . . . I am 51 years old. I do work out but I've put on a few pounds over the years. We started dating at 16, married at 20.
Dear Mustang1968,

You have devoted more than 30 years of your life to your WW. In return, she has cheated on you repeatedly in the most vile way with at least 10 men over the course of more than a decade , has given you a STP, is still in touch with at least one of the OM and -- this is what I find most horrible -- denied you the chance of having children. All the while, she happily accepted your love, devotion and support, including while she was recovering from cancer. You even paid for someone to do the housework so that (unbeknownst to you) she could have time for her affairs.

I can't think of any example on TAM/CWI in which a WW has treated her BH with more disrespect or cruelty.

As others have recommended, get professional help for your mental health so that this does not destroy you. Also:

- even though you say you're not ready to file for divorce, speak to a divorce attorney immediately to find out how best to protect yourself financially,

- start to disengage from your WW (see "the 180") to prepare for eventual separation,

- expose what she has done to everyone who cares about your marriage (yours and her families, close friends, pastor/priest/rabbi) and

- let your employer know what you are going through so that he/she understands if your work suffers.

Believe me when I say this: you will eventually divorce your WW. You cannot spend the rest of his life with a woman who has done to you what your WW has done.

So, your task now is to prepare for your new life by protecting your health, preserving as many of your financial assets as possible and eventually accepting that you need to divorce your WW and move on without her.

My heart goes out to you.

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post #77 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 10:42 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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We never had children. All of this took place during the time that we were trying to conceive. In the back of my mind is this thought that she was on birth control the whole time which is why we have no children. I asked her if she had been on birth control and she denied it but I can't believe anything she says. I asked her what she would have done if she had gotten pregnant. She said that she didn't believe she could because we had been unsuccessful for a number of years. Several have asked about my age. I am 51 years old. I do work out but I've put on a few pounds over the years. We started dating at 16, married at 20.

I feel sorry for you man,Really sorry for you. She was using the BC for her selfishness, excitement and pleasure which denied you your children.
Its sad that your life was nothing but a pay check.

But you know the truth now so you can have a real life with a real women who love and respect you.


99-year-old Italian man divorces his 96-year-old wife *after finding her secret love letters from the 1940s* - NY Daily News
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post #78 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 10:45 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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***EDITED***
So, your task now is to prepare for your new life by protecting your health, preserving as many of your financial assets as possible and eventually accepting that you need to divorce your WW and move on without her.
I couldn't agree with this more C.O..

He thinks he want's to save what he had, but what he had NEVER WAS. At least not for long any way.

From here on out, when ever he looks at his wife, he will wonder. How many men have had sex with her?... How many times has she done sex acts with them, that she would never do with me?... How could I have not seen it when it was happening?... These questions and many others will run through his mind, over and over and over.

I can't even imagine the mind movies that he is going to suffer through.

Then one question will keep reoccurring to him, more and more. Why the hell am I still with this person?... This is the only question that he will ever be sure of an answer if he finds it, because his wife can't lie, or with hold the truth about this one.

Eventually he will realize that the answer(s)/reason(s) he stayed with her are not worth the pain anymore and he will file for D. The first time he hits the "anger" stage, it'll have begun.
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post #79 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:15 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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I couldn't agree with this more C.O..

He thinks he want's to save what he had, but what he had NEVER WAS. At least not for long any way.

From here on out, when ever he looks at his wife, he will wonder. How many men have had sex with her?... How many times has she done sex acts with them, that she would never do with me?... How could I have not seen it when it was happening?... These questions and many others will run through his mind, over and over and over.

I can't even imagine the mind movies that he is going to suffer through.

Then one question will keep reoccurring to him, more and more. Why the hell am I still with this person?... This is the only question that he will ever be sure of an answer if he finds it, because his wife can't lie, or with hold the truth about this one.

Eventually he will realize that the answer(s)/reason(s) he stayed with her are not worth the pain anymore and he will file for D. The first time he hits the "anger" stage, it'll have begun.
You're right, GP. The selfishness and cruelty of Mustang1968's WW is almost beyond comprehension, even by TAM/CWI standards.
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post #80 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:19 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

What is her explanation for why and how she entered the life of a swinger?

I'm calling what she did swinging, because it doesn't sound like these were love affairs where she intended to leave you to be with,

Instead she used you to provide a home and someone to keep her company when she was between romps.

But think about it. She has lied to your face for years, without hesitation or anxiety. For years , countless nights and days she's said goodbye to you , acted completely normal, and inside was eagerly planning on meeting one or more of her sexual partners for playtime.

To her being the wild sexual playmate for numerous men , while you got her old wife side, was her lifestyle. A life she rejected you being a part of - what I mean is it obvious she was living a no holds barred sex life with these many other men.

What kind of sexual partner was she to you during your marriage? Has she put effort and passion into you? Has she done anything you've ever dreamed of?

Ask her how many times she denied you , so she'd be clean for her lovers? Ask her how many things she denied you, but willingly and eagerly did for them? Ask her how many times she came home after sex with them, and then had sex with you?

See that deep total rejection and disrespect she's had for you?


She's also shown that she will take active steps to conspire against you getting the truth about the person she really is. Even when directly presented with evidence she repeatedly denied and lied, and didn't show an ounce of anxiety, guilt, or worry.

So at this point it's very doubtful you've actually gotten the full truth. If she's admitted to 10, the reality is going to be heck of a lot worse than 10. If she's admitting to unprotected PIV, anal, oral this these guys, the reality maybe much worse. Think multiple men, parties etc.

That's why I call her's a swingers life - it's as if her hobby was to meet men and have sex.

All the while not showing an ounce of guilt or anxiety towards you.

Sir, that says a lot about her mental and emotional make up, and frankly it's pretty scary when you think about what's at the core of her emotions, her morals, and her personal integrity.

An expected response from a person in a sexual relationship with another person, would have been emotional attachment to the new partner and detachment from the old partner (you). Yet, it sounds like she had these numerous sexual partners without such emotions. - that shows a cold detachment inside her.

An expected response when you betray someone is anxiety and guilt. Anxiety about getting caught. Guilt for betraying your spouse and vows.

Yet she had neither. It was simply not a problem for her.

Yet, now she's got an anxiety disorder.

I'm suspecting there is a lot of issues and mental problems that she has been carrying around for decades.

This is honestly one of the worst stories of betrayals I've read here on TAM in the years I've been here.

My advice:

1. For your own sake, demand a full timeline from when she started her lifestyle, including names, places, trips she went on with them.

2. Demand a polygraph from her. Including asking about birth control and abortions.

3. Get yourself a full STD work up including HIV.

4. Immediately protect your assists and records. She's shown how cold and heartlessly she will betray you, when she gets wind of you D, she'll use that same cold detachment to strike at you. Safe all your tax records off site, move money and investments to where she can get them.

5. Hire a shark lawyer.

6. Use the information you got from her to bargain for her giving you a fast easy clean divorce. Basically, offer to not expose to everyone her lifestyle in exchange for an immediate and clean divorce, and that she leaves your life completely and forever.

7. Take her confession and find each wife of the men she swung with an expose to the wives so they can get themselves tested for HPV and other STDs.
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post #81 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Btw, has she ever been examined by a physiatrist ? Her behavior is pretty off the chart and may be a sign of a bigger disorder like bi-polar , or something else.

Basically it just isn't how normal people are wired - they would not only not carry on a long term secret life, but more importantly they wouldn't even want too. That she did it with out emotion or guilt really is a huge red flag about her mental state all these years.
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post #82 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:23 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.
Run Forest, run!

But seriously. She cheated with at least 10 men, gave you an STD and you are still undecided on what to do?
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post #83 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:26 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

OP

Sorry you have been hit with disaster. You're trauma is no less than a 911 survivor or air crash survivor. Therefore you MUST

-- get I C immediately

And, if you have a friend or relative you can confide in, I think you should. It will lessen your burden a bit.
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post #84 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 12:26 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Consult a lawyer first arrange your ducks in a row and seperate your finance.

Then hand over the Divorce papers and expose to the family and friends why you are divorcing her, before she rewrite the marriage history.
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post #85 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 01:48 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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We never had children. All of this took place during the time that we were trying to conceive. In the back of my mind is this thought that she was on birth control the whole time which is why we have no children. I asked her if she had been on birth control and she denied it but I can't believe anything she says. I asked her what she would have done if she had gotten pregnant. She said that she didn't believe she could because we had been unsuccessful for a number of years. Several have asked about my age. I am 51 years old. I do work out but I've put on a few pounds over the years. We started dating at 16, married at 20.

You're 51. Divorce her. Find a woman in her early 40's. Have kids. Have a real family.

Put the sham of your marriage away. Pronto!

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post #86 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 03:50 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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You're 51. Divorce her. Find a woman in her early 40's. Have kids. Have a real family.

Put the sham of your marriage away. Pronto!
Amen to that. Why spend the next 5-10 years struggling trying to do a major patch up job on this woman when you can easily replace her with a younger and loyal gal? They are out there.
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post #87 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 05:42 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Do you want to divorce your WW or recover your marriage?
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post #88 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 06:56 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Do you want to divorce your WW or recover your marriage?
That's a very good question.

Not only the infidelity but the other lies, too.

A lot to work through.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #89 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 07:20 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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That's a very good question.

Not only the infidelity but the other lies, too.

A lot to work through.
This isn't that she snuck a donut each morning, She carried on an extensive second life for years and years.

She sounds like she wants it to be viewed as she made a choice and just stopped. Yea, he won.

But think about the amount of effort and planning she put into her secret second life, for years.

That was very clearly a top priority for her. Then she just reversed direction and turned from evil to good.

Sorry, but even her explanation smells rotten here.

You've only got the smallest glimpse of the whole picture at the moment.
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post #90 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 09:15 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

You do not need more info to feed your nightmares. End it. There is no story that will make this acceptable. At 51 you still can find a good woman. The longer you wait to end it the longer it will take to recover. And find her. Do not let the shock paralyze you. Move on. Forget the timeline and polygraphs those are not options in a case this bad. Best of luck.
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