. . . Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me . . .
She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs . . .
I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her . . .
. . . I paid for a housekeeper to clean the house . . .
She was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and I went with her to all of her treatments. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her . . . I found out that she has had regular phone conversations with one of her lovers since the affair. He live out of state now but from the phone bills they regularly call each other . . .
We never had children. All of this took place during the time that we were trying to conceive. In the back of my mind is this thought that she was on birth control the whole time which is why we have no children. I asked her if she had been on birth control and she denied it but I can't believe anything she says . . . I am 51 years old. I do work out but I've put on a few pounds over the years. We started dating at 16, married at 20.
You have devoted more than 30 years of your life to your WW. In return, she has cheated on you repeatedly in the most vile way with at least 10 men over the course of more than a decade , has given you a STP, is still in touch with at least one of the OM and -- this is what I find most horrible -- denied you the chance of having children. All the while, she happily accepted your love, devotion and support, including while she was recovering from cancer. You even paid for someone to do the housework so that (unbeknownst to you) she could have time for her affairs.
I can't think of any example on TAM/CWI in which a WW has treated her BH with more disrespect or cruelty.
As others have recommended, get professional help for your mental health so that this does not destroy you. Also:
- even though you say you're not ready to file for divorce, speak to a divorce attorney immediately to find out how best to protect yourself financially,
- start to disengage from your WW (see "the 180") to prepare for eventual separation,
- expose what she has done to everyone who cares about your marriage (yours and her families, close friends, pastor/priest/rabbi) and
- let your employer know what you are going through so that he/she understands if your work suffers.
Believe me when I say this: you will eventually divorce your WW. You cannot spend the rest of his life with a woman who has done to you what your WW has done.
So, your task now is to prepare for your new life by protecting your health, preserving as many of your financial assets as possible and eventually accepting that you need to divorce your WW and move on without her.
My heart goes out to you.