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My wifes betrayal

134K views 236 replies 87 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.
 
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#2 ·
I feel for you right now. I really do. I was in your shoes 4.3 years ago. I was married 26 years. It's hard. Let your emotions subside then decide. Keep on this forum and read. It HELPS a lot. You are not alone. Hugs
 
#3 ·
First off, I'm sorry that you are here. Many others will be along shortly to help.

File for divorce. You don't have to go through with it, but file as soon as you can. Your wife needs to know that you mean business.

Tell your wife that you will not even discuss staying married until she takes and passes a polygraph.

You don't know everything yet. Even if she agrees to take the poly, she will be telling you more and more up to the poly test day.

If she says it's 10 men and 30 times, it probably more like 20 men and 60 times. Be prepared for how bad it could be.
 
#4 ·
Be sure you find a counselor that is qualified to treat PTSD. You are being extremely traumatized and abused.

Your wife, by definition is a serial cheater, that cant be fixed. She is simply not all there.

Google serial cheater and go from there.

Exercise and see your MD for temporary help, SOONER rather than later.

Good luck.
 
#5 · (Edited)
Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him.
It has been confirmed that this stranger was telling the truth when she told you that your wife had an affair with her husband. It has been confirmed that this stranger was telling the truth when she told you that there were other men that your wife cheated with and that your wife was a serial cheater. This stranger has proven to be telling the truth and is telling the truth when she says that your wife is still trying to contact the stranger's husband (your wife's affair partner). Your wife just deleted her profile on a dating site after you discovered it. Cheaters lie. Your wife is a proven cheater and a proven liar. Your wife is lying when she says that her cheating with other men ended years ago.

I am sorry that you are here. You did nothing to deserve this. You are both 50%-50% responsible for your marriage but your wife is 100% responsible for her cheating. I say this because following the cheaters script, she will be trying to falsely blame you for her cheating shortly (this is called blame shifting).
 
#6 ·
I am so sorry for you. You have been horribly betrayed. Your wife has been with at least 10 different men constantly putting your health at risk for STD's. She did not even have the decency to use protection for her sake and especially your sake.

I think it is fair to assume that there also had to be times that she was with her various affair partners during the day and then be intimate with you when you came home from work. Your marriage has been one big lie.

I would strongly suggest divorce and expose this to people you feel need to know. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Your wife has already given you an STD. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure?

Your wife is crying and saying how sorry she is. I am sure she is very very sorry ......that she got caught! Her actions clearly show that she has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage and clearly played you for a fool which was her mistake. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
 
#8 ·
- Get test for the STD's
- Talk with a lawyer to know your rights
- Talk with an IC
- If you have a close friend or family member that you can talk about this with , go ahead call them , meet them , talk with them.
- if you have joint account , credit card or something take care of them. make sure she can't mess you financially.
- if you can leave work for a few days, do it. if not tell your boss about your situation. yes I know its embarrassing but trust me this way they can help you by lowering work hour or something.
- use VAR's every time you interact with your wife. she can't be trusted.
- if she ever threaten to harm herself or anything like that, inform her family.
- expose the affair to everyone (family , friends , ...) it helps a lot trust me. if they hear it from your wife, she would probably downplay the whole thing.
- you didn't said anything about children. if you have any, they have to know why you are divorcing.

whatever you do , just remember you didn't deserve this. there is no way you could be responsible for her screwed-up decisions. BELIEVE that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. take care of yourself. Good Luck.

PS : I want to say to end your marriage at this point would be the best choice, but I'm sorry to say that I doubt you had any marriage.
 
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#10 ·
The best thing you can do is take the time and think about the investment and history who both have.

Work with her and if you can stomach the details ask her for a time line...Mrs.the-guy betrayed me for 13 years w/20 OM it took her a few days.

You are not alone!

I needed to know who and what my old lady had become and in her remorse she told me a lot mostly everything ...but it did take days.


I suggest you promise not to hold anything against her and ask her a question in the morning (one question) and tell her you want to talk later in the evening.

Also start lifting weights it helped me very much.

I fell your pain as I have went thru 23 years of marriage and 13 of them were full of lies.

My I suggest you go to your favorite restaurant and get your favorite meal to go...this will give you something to bite on and put food in your belly. it won't be much but when you can't eat ,its something.

3 years ago when I was going thru this crap I had a mantra which helped feel free to use it...."I diserve good things" I repeated this a million times a day..."I diserve good things".
This saying got me thru the mind movies and in the evening when she would talk about Mrs. the-guys adultory life style I would think to my self "I deserve good things" while hearing such painful thing from her with regard to who, what, and when.

You will get thru this with or with out your old lady, but you must show her how confident you are and never cry in front of her...chick dig confident men .....show her you can and will never share her again and you demand her to do the heavy lifting to save *her* marriage...cuz yours is over.

I hope you guys can work it out, many have even me, but my old lady had the submission in her to help me heal.

So yes take your time and decide what you want after the details you may find it a deal breaker, but in the end you will see how broken she was and may decide to help her if she helps her self.

In short;
#1 take the time you need
#2 find out what you actually married to
#3 work out, lift weights and never show her how weak your really are
#4 trust but verify


If your wife doesn;t mind being in cheater prison and you being a cheater police guard you can get thru this.

My point again is your old lady has to be completely transparent, no more going out alone(only with you), and accounts for her were abouts all the time, check in often, and start building what she tore down....

Or you can just kick her out and start over! chancing fins another chick that will screw you over.
 
#15 ·
I have been married for 30 years and my husband also cheated for many years. The feelings of betrayal are horrible.

Please don't overreact right now. Think twice and act once.

Try to find a reliable therapist and start therapy as soon as possible. There is no way you can handle this by JUST talking with family/friends and posting on TAM.

Take care of yourself. I wish you the very best.

VH
 
#17 ·
You are certainly not alone. A lot of us are or were married to serial cheaters.

You must be in total shock. It's truly a horrible experience.

When I found out my husband was a serial cheater, I knew I could not stay with him. If I was going to be miserable, I would add in divorce and get on with things as soon as I could. It is extremely difficult with young children. I am hoping your children (if any), are grown.

Don't listen to her crying and begging. She had NO regard for your health all these years. My god, you both could have HIV. This is a very bad betrayal and there is no excuse at all for the position she has put you in.

I think you need to distance yourself as much as possible from your highly disturbed wife. You will most likely benefit from individual counseling. I am really sorry for you.

I know I am a stranger and you love your wife but she is an awful person to have done his to you.

See a doctor for some anxiety or sleep medication if you need it. Don't let your wife see you cry. Stay away from her and get a Good lawyer.
 
#18 ·
Can't imagine why anyone would want to reconcile with a spouse who did something like this. Who cares if she can be faithful from here on out? He will never be able to erase the knowledge of what a selfish, thoughtless, disrespectful, irresponsible, lying pig she is at heart. No one desreves to carry that burden in a relationship.

Divorce her swiftly and don't look back. You will be much better off alone than with such a wretched piece of trash. And yeas, she will be blaming you for her betrayal before long. Mark my words.

Start building a new life today and fill it with people who have integrity. Life is too short to squander a minute with toxic people. You can do it.

Good luck.
 
#19 ·
Who cares if she can be faithful from here on out?
Good luck.
Maybe Mustang1968 does?
We haven't heard from him since his 1st post.

Maybe he was getting laid on a regular bases and keep the house clean and gave a good BJ....maybe things were good in all this time...maybe she was a good friend...hell maybe he was a wife beater.....

We need more info before we all jump to the divorce chant.

Sure if she was an evil b1tch and OP got nothing from her for years then ya I'll jump on board the D bandwagon...but we still don't have the whole story.

IDK zookeeper... imagine this....I married a dirty little tramp, so what did I expect from Mrs. the guy? I'm wired different then most. So when I did the crap I did, I took that into consideration when I fogave her.

So thats why I took someone like OP WW back.

This isn't some 5-7 year marraige there is alot of history....none of which OP has mentioned, beside it being 31 years.
 
#20 ·
My wife was diagnosed with panic disorder in 1992. She hasn't worked outside the home since then. I paid for a housekeeper to clean the house. I have never raised a hand to her and rarely raised my voice. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and I went with her to all of her treatments. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. She works out of our home running a small business but has never made enough to talk about. I asked if she paid for the hotel rooms when she met these men and she told me that sometimes she paid half but would use her own money when she did. She says that she isn't that person any more and that she quit on her own to be a better person and a better wife.. I found out that she has had regular phone conversations with one of her lovers since the affair. He live out of state now but from the phone bills they regularly call each other. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be but I have provided her with everything she wanted these past 31 years.
 
#23 ·
My heart breaks for you. I understand it is hard to face this devastating truth. Are you able to face the fact that she may be cheating up to this very day? That wouldn't really matter to me (she would be out when I learned of the very first kiss) but maybe it does to you.
 
#24 ·
Sorry you are here. Your wife lied to you and your marriage was a lie. I dont see that crying changes anything, she is a cheater and she will not change. They are fake tears! think about the facebook, the online dating, the hotel rent, using her own money??? that money was not supposed to help he family??? this woman cannot change. Find professional counseling for you. Also get test for more STD. Sorry you have to go through this.
 
#25 ·
She still had the dating profile
She was still reaching that OM you were informed first
She's still talking with a different OM

She never stopped.
You still have no more than the tip of the iceberg.

Have her write a timeline of all her transgression (she cant remember all) and then force her to take a poly to back up the info.
I garantee you more disclosures, she can't possibly remember the countless OMs she had sex with let along the ones she never let go that far as having sex.

If she had a pannic disorder she sure managed to keep it while going to hotels. It's more than likely she brought home many of them.
 
#29 ·
I'm thinking she has been doing this to long to be dump enough to bring it home.

I could be wrong, and thats why you need to play her and see if she is willing to get the monkey off her back and take the time to trickle truth this adultorus life style she *was* living.

I mean we all have seen enough porn to know what went on but there are years of details regards to who, what and when that you can get if you play her the right way.
 
#26 ·
You sound like a good man.
Go get these 2 books "No More Mr. Nice guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life".
BTW, MMSL has nothing to do with sex.
Another book that helped me was "After The Affair".

Start educating your self, it helped me deal and heal.

She needs to write a NC letter to the OM she still contacts. This letter must include how bad the OM is and how bad she is for betraying such a good husband, making a statement in how much better of a man her husband is versus what a vampire the OM is. The no contact letter must include how much better you are and make no apology for "breaking up" OM.

The NC letter isn't about "we can't talk anymore, sorry" but " we are awful, he is awful and my husband is way better man then the OM could ever be and what they did was just a fantasy that tore families apart".

However she wants to word it , you must read it before the *both* of you send it. As long as it proclaims you as the better man and Om as the lesser man.
with the OM...she should denounce the Om and make it clear how wrong they both are
Her current EA has to stop or MC won;t mean sh1t.
 
#28 ·
Her current EA has to stop or MC won;t mean sh1t.
It is not an EA. He is a former(supposedly) lover. They have already been physical. This contact is merely a continuation of their PA. Just because there may be distance or other factors than make sex impactical right now doesn't change the nature of their relationship. Once it crosses a threshold, there is no going back.

Won't hurt for him to read the books you suggested. I disagree with any advice for attempts at reconciliation, but it is always a good thing to look at our own flaws and work to improve.
 
#27 ·
If she really wants this marriage she'll write a NC letter...again another consequence.

If the OM is married expose this to her(OMW=other mans wife)...again another consequence she should face!

If your old lady is realy remorseful she will not protect the OM .

If she is full of sh1t she will get pissed and fight you not only on the exposure, but the NC letter.
If she is truelly a different person she will face these consequences instead of sweeping them under the rug and risking this from happening again. Actually its still happening , but not on a physical level.

I may not be able to spell but I do know that with out consequences bad behavior continues.

Who knows your WW's biggest consequences might be lossing you if she doesn't play her cards right by submitting to what you need to start healing.
 
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#33 ·
The woman you thought you marriaged and lived with for three decades is NOT the woman that she IS.

I know this from sad experience of the same length of time.

If I were you, I would do as I finally had to for my own self respect and mental sanity.

Divorce her!

She has infected you with HPV, lied to you and screwed many men using marital assets to do it.

She does not respect or love you.

IGNORE HER SILLY TEARS.

Just look at how she continues to treat you.

Move on!
@michzz, you have been here a lot longer then me and most, and I respect that.

You hit the nail on the head.

She does *continue* to disrespect by talking to OM. That has to be one of the biggest issues as to what exatly makes her a "different person now".:confused:
 
#32 ·
I just want to make it clear, Its is to early to even think about R. Right now OP's old lady needs to believe he is ready to walk. The worst thing OP can do is give any inclination that he want to R and crying and begging for his chick.

My point is he can get more intel and find out what she has become by play her.

Yes I'm pro marriage but there are steps and Mustang 1st needs to look out for him self, talk to a lawyer to know his options and educate him self.

Once he knows what what he then can make an educate choice.

Even if it take bugging her car with a VAR (voice actived recorder) to find out her true intention, then so be it...but knowledge is power.
 
#37 ·
I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her.
I'm sorry but you have to divorce her.

There is virtually no other reasonable option given the circumstances.

Your life with her is over, your life as it currently exists is over, in fact it was over a long time ago, but now you actually know it and with that knowledge comes power, along with a lot of grief and despair, but that part is only temporary- as long as you start making steps to get yourself away from this woman ASAP.
 
#38 ·
I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through.

She put your life at risk. With strange men. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over. How much could she love you?

She was very good at it to hide it all these years, not once raising any suspicion.

When you did find out some things recently, she lied.

Then she lied about keeping in contact with one guy.

What I'm trying to point out is that she says she has changed, but her recent behavior when you found out, doesn't bear that out. It doesn't seem like she's changed at all, she still is lying and continues to lie about the guy she cheated with and still contacts. If she really was disgusted and put that behind her, then why keep in touch with this guy?
 
#39 ·
Again lots of poster with lots of questions, if you drop a dime on her she will shut down.

Play her with out judgement or discontent. Let her open up. You can always dumb her later on when she get this monkey off her back...if she ever does.

I mean it would be nice to know if she ever hooked up with one of your friends or did it with a chick. She can either shut down and face the lose of her marriage or she can start spilling her guts thinking you will stick around if she is upfront with her A's.
 
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