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post #91 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 09:25 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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You do not need more info to feed your nightmares. End it. There is no story that will make this acceptable. At 51 you still can find a good woman. The longer you wait to end it the longer it will take to recover. And find her. Do not let the shock paralyze you. Move on. Forget the timeline and polygraphs those are not options in a case this bad. Best of luck.
Get some ic, std test and please think long and hard if the m is worth it. I don't think so.

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post #92 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 01:46 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.


She didnt ended her A yrs ago, she was still looking for hook ups and rekindle with OM.

I do believe that she wanted to be with you, how can she leave a person who provides well for her hook ups and life style she is having.

But when did she started hook ups? Did she gave you any timeline? was she doing this from the beginning?


She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me
She cries a lot and you are confused about leaving her, this is the thing she wanted, purpose of her tears served.

Record her confession on a VAR before filing for Divorce.
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post #93 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 08:38 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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This isn't that she snuck a donut each morning, She carried on an extensive second life for years and years.

She sounds like she wants it to be viewed as she made a choice and just stopped. Yea, he won.

But think about the amount of effort and planning she put into her secret second life, for years.

That was very clearly a top priority for her. Then she just reversed direction and turned from evil to good.

Sorry, but even her explanation smells rotten here.

You've only got the smallest glimpse of the whole picture at the moment.

Does not matter if she snuck out for a box full of doughnuts morning, noon, and night. Divorce or recover. Chose one then move forward.
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post #94 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 09:22 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Op sorry for the spot you are in. I do agree with much that has been said. You likely do not have all of the truth yet.

She obviously had unprotected sex with other men while trying to conceive with you. How degrading.

You look back on your 31 year marriage but you didn't really have that. You had a lie she suckered you into. In fact she's still lung and my guess is that you know it.

She hasn't quit the old swinging life style. That's why she holding on to om and chatting him up.

Maybe she got older and it became harder to attract OM's. maybe something bad did happen and she got scared. Any way you slice it. She certainly didnt stop because she wanted to be a better wife. What a joke.

It is question time for you. Do you want to attempt to r with this woman?

If yes I would absolutely insist on full std work ups and a polygraph.

If you want to d. Understand that you are still young enough to rebuild your life without the lying cheating spouse.
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post #95 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 10:12 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

OP,

I'm very sorry about what you're going through. Many of us on here have faced betrayal, but this is particularly brutal. So much so, that I think the odds are very small that you'll be able to get past it - no matter how remorseful she may act, no matter if she never cheats again.

So it's probably a wise decision to divorce her and move on with your life. I wouldn't recommend R and I think you'd be making a mistake to try. But it's your life and your decision.

But an even worse mistake to make, would be to attempt R without you giving and her accepting, every consequence she deserves. The other posters have spelled those out.

Even before you decide what to do, the first consequence needs to be separation from her. Shouldn't be a problem to do that without children. Spend "at least" a couple of weeks away from her and sort out your feelings. File for D during that period and have her served. Let her understand what it feels like to loose her husband over this.

Then watch how she reacts. Look for acceptance of these consequences and unwavering remorse. If you don't get it, she's made the decision for you; because there is zero chance you'll R successfully without it.

Even if she does demonstrate remorse, the separation time will give you time to make the best choice on what to do. But I'm telling you, I don't think most men could get past this.

Good luck and keep posting.

Last edited by badmemory; 09-16-2013 at 11:22 AM.
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post #96 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 10:20 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Originally Posted by badmemory View Post
OP,

I've very sorry about what you're going through. Many of us on here have faced betrayal, but this is particularly brutal. So much so, that I think the odds are very small that you'll be able to get past it - no matter how remorseful she may act, no matter if she never cheats again.

So it's probably a wise decision to divorce her and move on with your life. I wouldn't recommend R and I think you'd be making a mistake to try. But it's your life and your decision.

But an even worse mistake to make, would be to attempt R without you giving and her accepting, every consequence she deserves. The other posters have spelled those out.

Even before you decide what to do, the first consequence needs to be separation from her. Shouldn't be a problem to do that without children. Spend "at least" a couple of weeks away from her and sort out your feelings. File for D during that period and have her served. Let her understand what it feels like to loose her husband over this.

Then watch how she reacts. Look for acceptance of these consequences and unwavering remorse. If you don't get it, she's made the decision for you; because there is zero chance you'll R successfully without it.

Even if she does demonstrate remorse, the separation time will give you time to make the best choice on what to do. But I'm telling you, I don't think most men could get past this.

Good luck and keep posting.
This^^^ and let good longtime friends know what has happened so you have a support network you can't keep this bottled up jmo.
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post #97 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by illwill View Post
You do not need more info to feed your nightmares. End it. There is no story that will make this acceptable. At 51 you still can find a good woman. The longer you wait to end it the longer it will take to recover. And find her. Do not let the shock paralyze you. Move on. Forget the timeline and polygraphs those are not options in a case this bad. Best of luck.
Agreed.

I'm against this timeline stuff. Unless the OP is a masochist, why would he want the details? He needs to hire a lawyer and get away from this evil thing he calls his wife. The sooner the better.
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post #98 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 11:17 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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This^^^ and let good longtime friends know what has happened so you have a support network you can't keep this bottled up jmo.
There is a good chance that some friends may well have hooked up with her and she only revealed ones that weren't part of the friends known to the husband to protect them.
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post #99 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 11:18 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Agreed.

I'm against this timeline stuff. Unless the OP is a masochist, why would he want the details? He needs to hire a lawyer and get away from this evil thing he calls his wife. The sooner the better.
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I think the timeline is to help reveal the gaping holes in her story.
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post #100 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 11:18 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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There is a good chance that some friends may well have hooked up with her and she only revealed ones that weren't part of the friends known to the husband to protect them.
Sigh-that could very well have happened.

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post #101 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wifes betrayal

I found out today that my wife made the OM things for his apartment. As I look around our house I realize there's nothing here that she has made. I also came to the realization today that she basically lives a life of leisure. She has been going out of her way lately to tell me she loves me every chance she gets. I have seen anger from her at the OM's wife for informing me of her cheating. She even wrote her a nasty email accusing her of harassment. I am generous by nature but the veil has been lifted and I am angry that I was taken advantage of. I am going to consult a lawyer for advice on where to go from here. I am also going to start seeing a therapist. BTW, she was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for her panic disorder and never mentioned her problem of sleeping with other men. Guess she didn't think that needed to be mentioned because she had it under control and it wasn't a problem.
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post #102 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 11:19 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

One thing you can do is post all the OM up on cheaterville.com and to get her a polygraph this week.
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post #103 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 01:02 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Angry at the OM's wife? That's not remorse. If she were remorseful, she'd be grateful that the deceit is over and that you can no longer be hurt by fresh betrayal, grateful that she now can begin repairing your relationship. No, words will not suffice here.
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post #104 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 03:57 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

cant believe you are still uncertain on "what to do?"

FILE!
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post #105 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 06:21 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Mustang

I think IC for you is a great idea.

Go see an attorney so you understand your rights.

And do not tell her what you are doing, planning or thinking right now.

She is not worthy of your counsel.

HM
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