My wifes betrayal - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 05:50 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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- Get test for the STD's
- Talk with a lawyer to know your rights
- Talk with an IC
- If you have a close friend or family member that you can talk about this with , go ahead call them , meet them , talk with them.
- if you have joint account , credit card or something take care of them. make sure she can't mess you financially.
- if you can leave work for a few days, do it. if not tell your boss about your situation. yes I know its embarrassing but trust me this way they can help you by lowering work hour or something.
- use VAR's every time you interact with your wife. she can't be trusted.
- if she ever threaten to harm herself or anything like that, inform her family.
- expose the affair to everyone (family , friends , ...) it helps a lot trust me. if they hear it from your wife, she would probably downplay the whole thing.
- you didn't said anything about children. if you have any, they have to know why you are divorcing.

whatever you do , just remember you didn't deserve this. there is no way you could be responsible for her screwed-up decisions. BELIEVE that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. take care of yourself. Good Luck.

PS : I want to say to end your marriage at this point would be the best choice, but I'm sorry to say that I doubt you had any marriage.
He has genital warts.



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post #122 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 05:58 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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He has genital warts.
But that does not mean he might not have other STDs courtesy of his wife's cheating lifestyle.


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post #123 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 06:22 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

It was a huge mistake to informe her about exposing the truth to this woman. It should be you the one to tell her, victim to victim, with empathy and without warning your wife; she's clearly in full damage control, cutting avenues to keep you in the dark, lashing out to those poor wives... she's warning this man as we are speaking and that woman will suffer the same treatment you have being suffering: gaslighting and emotional abuse. This very moment this OM is warning his wife about a total nut job, abusive monster who potential is gpoinf to contact her to make horrible accusations.

When did she start with this crap, man?
Did you talk to a lawyer?
Did you already demand the timeline plus the polygraph?
Have you the snooping tools in place?

A new warning: please, please don't back off on exposing those wives no matter whay her psych will say, and it's a garantee she will be opposed to it, her role is to make things as easy as she can and to protect your wife even from herself.

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post #124 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 06:25 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Mustang, obviously what you decide is completely up to you.

However, although I think this has been pointed out to you before, I think it bears repeating.

Over the years she has been used to grabbing a bit of strange whenever she felt like it. I'm not a psychiatrist, far from it, but I suspect this type of behaviour is now ingrained in her very psyche.

She has admitted to 10 episodes of adultery. Do you think there were more?
Is she only admitting to those that she had sex with?

Is she not counting kissing, fondling, BJ's etc?

How the heck can she guarantee that she won't give in to this compulsion 2 months. 6 months, 2 years from now?

It's not as if she had a fling with one man then regretted it.
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post #125 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 06:33 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

There's probably a reason why she is like she is. Some trauma in her childhood, perhaps?

But her lifestyle is putting your life at risk. That needs to be considered.


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post #126 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 06:34 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Mustang,

Does she say why and how she began?
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post #127 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 08:47 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Mustang, you're 51. Not young, but not too old to move on to faster horses and younger women. If you've got a young attitude, you could still be a father, if reproduction interests you.

Get in the shape of your life by taking up weight training and get your waist at the navel down to 32". You will soon have a number of 30 year old divorcées on your doorstep. One of my clients is 72 and has a very attractive 36 year old wife. Another is 62 and dates a rotation of 40 year-olds.

Whatever you decide, you need to get rid of this woman.
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post #128 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 08:58 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Hey wishIknew---it ain't 10 episodes of sex---its 10 men that she has so far admitted to---how many times, she carried out her escort service, ----who knows
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post #129 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 09:54 PM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Hey wishIknew---it ain't 10 episodes of sex---its 10 men that she has so far admitted to---how many times, she carried out her escort service, ----who knows
Yeah, when you add it all up, there is a very good chance that its more times than she's ha she's with the OP in total.

Given that it seems she did anything, there are likely threesomes and other women involved too. Basically hardcore swinging.
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post #130 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 12:27 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Based on how u have dealt with her awful behavior why would she stop cheating? And why on earth is she still in your house?

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post #131 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 12:59 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Another complication arose today. I went through all of her email contacts and based on IM status and other things identified some of her other lovers. One of the men has a Facebook page with wedding pictures of himself and wife and they looked extremely young. She may be in the same situation that I am in. I told my wife that she needs to be informed that she should be tested for STD's. My wife doesn't want to inform her and ruin her life as well as the lives of their four children. My feeling is that she is at risk for cervical cancer and other things and needs this information. My wife said it would ruin the kids lives. I asked her if having their mother die from cervical cancer wouldn't ruin their lives?
I asked her if she wore her wedding band while she was screwing the OM. She did. She didn't even have the decency to take it off while she was betraying me. She sees her therapist tomorrow. I told her that I wan't her to give the therapist permission to talk to me so that I can make sure she doesn't minimize or sugar coat what she's done.
Lots of tears and "I'm sorries" today.

It seems to me that you have accepted your lot in life. You're going to spend your remaining years with her.

The repulsion of what she had done and is still doing does not seem to really faze you.

What good is a therapist when she had decades of this behavior and is still continuing? It's so deeply ingrained in her character that it'll require brain surgery to remove.
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post #132 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 01:21 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Mustang, so sorry that your world has been turned upside down and inside out. You have received excellent advise, take some time to absorb it all. I am horrified and somewhat nauseated reading of your spouses betrayal, but this just leaves me shaking my head in disbelief.
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I have seen anger from her at the OM's wife for informing me of her cheating. She even wrote her a nasty email accusing her of harassment.
She has the unmitigated gall to email her AP's betrayed wife accusing her of harassment? UFB, truly unbelievable. You might want to mention that nugget to her therapist.
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post #133 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 01:29 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Another complication arose today. I went through all of her email contacts and based on IM status and other things identified some of her other lovers. One of the men has a Facebook page with wedding pictures of himself and wife and they looked extremely young. She may be in the same situation that I am in. I told my wife that she needs to be informed that she should be tested for STD's. My wife doesn't want to inform her and ruin her life as well as the lives of their four children. My feeling is that she is at risk for cervical cancer and other things and needs this information. My wife said it would ruin the kids lives. I asked her if having their mother die from cervical cancer wouldn't ruin their lives?
She just doesn't get it. The cheating husband is destroying the family. As her cheating has ruined your relationship. Warning the AP's betrayed wife of a possible life threatening STD is the only decent human thing to do.
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post #134 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 01:40 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

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Hey wishIknew---it ain't 10 episodes of sex---its 10 men that she has so far admitted to---how many times, she carried out her escort service, ----who knows
Yeah realise that, just a bad choice of words. I meant what you said!

And as for the 'old at 51 thing' I don't think I have that ratio thing although my trousers are 32". And I can assure you that at 56 were I not now happily married I would have no problem filling the gap left by my wife.

It's strange, in your 50's a good, dependable man who has looked after himself physically and can still get it up almost seems to be viewed as an Adonis by some ladies.
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post #135 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 03:19 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

This is so heartbreaking!! You have invested 35 years in this relationship, and you literally wake up one day and find out your wife is not the person you believed she was. She is someone else! Like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I cannot imagine the enormous sense of betrayal, the sense of loss and futility in life you are likely experiencing. I am sure you have thought of divorce. At the same time you might yearn on some level for reconciliation and a way to believe your spouse again. Here are a couple of questions to consider: Do you think you can ever trust her again? Do you think the trust would be warranted? For many, many years she has lead a double life. She has been able to look you in the eyes, pretending to be a loyal partner, while carrying on sexual and emotional relationships with others. She says she loves you. Is that how real love is supposed to look like? It's overwhelming to find out the entire relationship for years has been a lie from her side. Like when a person we love dies, we don't want to believe it. First, it will take time to overcome your denial and disbelief. It is a process, but you can come to terms with the loss in time. A grief counselor, or any qualified counselor may be able to provide some help, and solace. It's therapeutic and relieving just to have someone to talk to and get things off your chest. It's what we women (most of us) do by nature, for free, with our female friends and sisters. Men sometimes have a hard time expressing and sharing their grief, but learning that behavior can be facilitated by a counselor.

There has been a lot of discussion on here about the number of partners your wife has had. Really consider, does it matter to you if it's ten or twenty or thirty? The issue is the same regardless of the number of partners. The issue it seems is that there has been a long-term pattern of betrayal spanning many years that was completely hidden from you all this time. And when you were getting clued in, there was every effort on her part to deceive and continue to keep you in the dark. There has just been no honesty that you can rely on in this individual. No fundamental honesty at all. There has also been talk here about submitting her to a polygraph. Her taking a polygraph at this point is really pointless, and solves nothing. If it reveals more betrayals, what does that prove? A polygraph is only helpful if you can tolerate 10 partners, but have a cut-off somewhere above 10 partners. So if you can' t tolerate 17 partners, for example, but can forgive any number below 17, then a polygraph might make sense. Please consider, what are your deal-breakers in a marriage? Do your deal-breakers include infidelity, dishonesty, and reckless disregard for your health (as in willingness to pass STDs to you through unprotected sex), or are your deal-breakers something else? If these are your deal-breakers, then being hung up on details like number of partners will take away from your focus on what's really important to you.

Sometimes couples stay in marriages after infidelity and other deal-breakers if they feel the overall outcome of divorce will hurt their young children. If you have children, and they are adults living their own lives, you at least don't have to worry about the burden of damaging young children in their developmental years. You have the blessing of being able to be purely selfish (in a good way) and decide what you think will be best for you, and only you. You can leave this relationship, if that's what you want, without any potential feelings of guilt over hurting growing children in a divorce. True, your adult children will be saddened, but they will understand, and their developmental years are past now, I presume.

Then there is the fear of being alone, which presents itself to any of us, at any age, when a long-term relationship or marriage fails. It's the biggest demon I think that keeps us trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Who would want someone who lies and cheats and hurts our health? Nobody! None of us would want such a person, if asked in advance, let's say by a genie with a crystal ball. But you've already gotten this bad hand of cards in life as far as this mate is concerned, and it's hard to leave after the fact, after the relationship has already existed, no matter how crappy the hand. It would be so nice to have a guarantee that if you played the game again, you'd get a good hand. Sadly, life has no guarantees. Wish it did! The hard part about life is, how do we muster the courage to try again when there is no guarantee of success? It's what makes decisions about relationships so hard. And, while you've invested many years into this crappy hand of cards, you can still muster that courage to try again! It takes a real act of faith in what the future can hold. If you do leave the comfort and familiarity of a relationship you have learned is false and abusive, life can and will get better.
If you can't jump into the decision of divorce right away, perhaps you can try separation. Have your wife move out. She cheated repeatedly and deceived unconscionably. Don't pity her or feel sorry for her! Maybe she can just move in with one of her guys. I want to just say "WHO CARES??!!". But, I know you do, and that is the draw. But, however you do it, I think you need to try separation. While you're separated, mingle and date and get your feet in the water again when it comes to socializing with the opposite sex. When you get out there, you will see that there are other options for you. The knowledge that there are other appealing options of mates for you can make a tremendous difference in recovering from the sense of loss brought on by infidelity. Nowadays, there are all kinds of websites for dating, for all types of people and all ages. All dating websites are not seedy hook-up sites for discreet affairs and casual sex like the one your wife used. The website she used I'm sure is very popular among cheaters. On the flip-side there are websites for people who are single, divorced, and separated who are serious about finding long-term companions for serious relationships, love, and even marriage. You may not feel ready to consider all this, but maybe come back to it when you're ready. Just know that life doesn't have to be bleak and empty after separation and divorce. You have other options. You always have other options. It's just a matter of when you are emotionally ready to consider them and pursue them!
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