My wifes betrayal - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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My wifes betrayal

I have been married for 31 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I have been with this woman all of my adult life. We were each others first. Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him. This was so far fetched that I showed it to my wife. She denied the entire thing and said the woman must be mistaken. When I went back to read the post again it had been removed and so I put it in the back of my mind and attributed it to mistaken identity. This June while on vacation I received an email from this person telling me that my wife had an affair and that she would like to speak to me about it. She told me that she had tried to contact me through Facebook but my wife had blocked her. When I checked my blocked senders list she had indeed been blocked. The only person that could have done this was my wife. My wife again denied it and said the woman must be crazy. I started doing some research on this person to find out who she was, who her husband was, and why she would do this. I also did an internet search on my wife and through some detective work found a profile for her on an adult dating web site. The profile said she was looking for something discrete, preferably during the day, someone she could share some quiet time with. When I confronted her with this she admitted that it was her but that she had never done anything wrong. She even cried. Several years ago a genital wart appeared on me. I went to our family doctor (who was also my wife's doctor and knew our history) and he told me it was a wart without explaining that it was caused by a sexually transmitted disease. I did some online research and found it was caused by HPV. I went to my doctor(our old doctor had retired) and he confirmed that it was caused by HPV. I asked if there were any other explanation other sexual transmission and he told me there was not. I went home and confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair but that it had happened years ago and that he was the only one. I demanded access to her emails and phone. I continued to find things that pointed to additional affairs which she denied. She had deleted her account on the online dating site and so I couldn't see her communications through that site. The woman who had originally informed me of the affair emailed me some additional information. She said my wife had told her husband about several other men she had slept with one being a cop in a local jurisdiction. I found contact information in her email account for a man with an email address ending in .gov. I looked up his work number and called him. I told him that my wife had admitted to the affair and I just wanted to confirm the information she had given me and he admitted that they had slept together years earlier and their affair had ended eight years ago. I felt like I couldn't breath. I went home and called my wife to tell her not to come home. She asked why and I mentioned the name of the cop that I had spoken to and asked if I needed to say anything else. She asked if we could talk about it and came home. She finally admitted that she had hooked up with at least ten men through chat rooms and the online dating site. She had unprotected sex with these men. She had participated in oral vaginal and anal sex with them over the course of these affairs. She tells me that these affairs all ended years ago but at this point she has lied so much that I can't believe anything she says. Her sister had an affair three years ago and my wife was very judgmental about it. I told her she was a hypocrite. She says she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. She cries alot and tells me how sorry she is and how she never meant to hurt me. My life is a wreck right now. My work is suffering, I can't sleep, I haven't decided yet whether or not to divorce her. I am going to seek counseling and put off any decisions until I have calmed down and can make a rational decision. I needed an outlet. I haven't told anyone else about this. Just looking for some guidance and advice.

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post #2 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:16 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

I feel for you right now. I really do. I was in your shoes 4.3 years ago. I was married 26 years. It's hard. Let your emotions subside then decide. Keep on this forum and read. It HELPS a lot. You are not alone. Hugs
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post #3 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:18 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

First off, I'm sorry that you are here. Many others will be along shortly to help.

File for divorce. You don't have to go through with it, but file as soon as you can. Your wife needs to know that you mean business.

Tell your wife that you will not even discuss staying married until she takes and passes a polygraph.

You don't know everything yet. Even if she agrees to take the poly, she will be telling you more and more up to the poly test day.

If she says it's 10 men and 30 times, it probably more like 20 men and 60 times. Be prepared for how bad it could be.
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post #4 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:32 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Be sure you find a counselor that is qualified to treat PTSD. You are being extremely traumatized and abused.

Your wife, by definition is a serial cheater, that cant be fixed. She is simply not all there.

Google serial cheater and go from there.

Exercise and see your MD for temporary help, SOONER rather than later.

Good luck.
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post #5 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:32 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mustang1968 View Post
Last year I received a message on Facebook from a stranger saying that my wife had an affair with her husband years ago and that my wife was continuing to try to contact him.
It has been confirmed that this stranger was telling the truth when she told you that your wife had an affair with her husband. It has been confirmed that this stranger was telling the truth when she told you that there were other men that your wife cheated with and that your wife was a serial cheater. This stranger has proven to be telling the truth and is telling the truth when she says that your wife is still trying to contact the stranger's husband (your wife's affair partner). Your wife just deleted her profile on a dating site after you discovered it. Cheaters lie. Your wife is a proven cheater and a proven liar. Your wife is lying when she says that her cheating with other men ended years ago.

I am sorry that you are here. You did nothing to deserve this. You are both 50%-50% responsible for your marriage but your wife is 100% responsible for her cheating. I say this because following the cheaters script, she will be trying to falsely blame you for her cheating shortly (this is called blame shifting).

Last edited by TRy; 09-14-2013 at 10:42 AM.
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post #6 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:37 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

I am so sorry for you. You have been horribly betrayed. Your wife has been with at least 10 different men constantly putting your health at risk for STD's. She did not even have the decency to use protection for her sake and especially your sake.

I think it is fair to assume that there also had to be times that she was with her various affair partners during the day and then be intimate with you when you came home from work. Your marriage has been one big lie.

I would strongly suggest divorce and expose this to people you feel need to know. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Your wife has already given you an STD. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure?

Your wife is crying and saying how sorry she is. I am sure she is very very sorry ......that she got caught! Her actions clearly show that she has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage and clearly played you for a fool which was her mistake. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
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post #7 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 10:40 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Pull the plug on that marriage with both hands. Sorry for what you're going through

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #8 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:04 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

- Get test for the STD's
- Talk with a lawyer to know your rights
- Talk with an IC
- If you have a close friend or family member that you can talk about this with , go ahead call them , meet them , talk with them.
- if you have joint account , credit card or something take care of them. make sure she can't mess you financially.
- if you can leave work for a few days, do it. if not tell your boss about your situation. yes I know its embarrassing but trust me this way they can help you by lowering work hour or something.
- use VAR's every time you interact with your wife. she can't be trusted.
- if she ever threaten to harm herself or anything like that, inform her family.
- expose the affair to everyone (family , friends , ...) it helps a lot trust me. if they hear it from your wife, she would probably downplay the whole thing.
- you didn't said anything about children. if you have any, they have to know why you are divorcing.

whatever you do , just remember you didn't deserve this. there is no way you could be responsible for her screwed-up decisions. BELIEVE that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. take care of yourself. Good Luck.

PS : I want to say to end your marriage at this point would be the best choice, but I'm sorry to say that I doubt you had any marriage.
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post #9 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:12 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

I agree with Groundpounder and user_zero. In your case it's not even drastic to start divorce proceedings considering the depth of her deception and her blatant disregard for you and your health and safety, not to mention your heart.

Last edited by PamJ; 09-14-2013 at 01:06 PM.
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post #10 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:14 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

The best thing you can do is take the time and think about the investment and history who both have.

Work with her and if you can stomach the details ask her for a time line...Mrs.the-guy betrayed me for 13 years w/20 OM it took her a few days.

You are not alone!

I needed to know who and what my old lady had become and in her remorse she told me a lot mostly everything ...but it did take days.


I suggest you promise not to hold anything against her and ask her a question in the morning (one question) and tell her you want to talk later in the evening.

Also start lifting weights it helped me very much.

I fell your pain as I have went thru 23 years of marriage and 13 of them were full of lies.

My I suggest you go to your favorite restaurant and get your favorite meal to go...this will give you something to bite on and put food in your belly. it won't be much but when you can't eat ,its something.

3 years ago when I was going thru this crap I had a mantra which helped feel free to use it...."I diserve good things" I repeated this a million times a day..."I diserve good things".
This saying got me thru the mind movies and in the evening when she would talk about Mrs. the-guys adultory life style I would think to my self "I deserve good things" while hearing such painful thing from her with regard to who, what, and when.

You will get thru this with or with out your old lady, but you must show her how confident you are and never cry in front of her...chick dig confident men .....show her you can and will never share her again and you demand her to do the heavy lifting to save *her* marriage...cuz yours is over.

I hope you guys can work it out, many have even me, but my old lady had the submission in her to help me heal.

So yes take your time and decide what you want after the details you may find it a deal breaker, but in the end you will see how broken she was and may decide to help her if she helps her self.

In short;
#1 take the time you need
#2 find out what you actually married to
#3 work out, lift weights and never show her how weak your really are
#4 trust but verify


If your wife doesn;t mind being in cheater prison and you being a cheater police guard you can get thru this.

My point again is your old lady has to be completely transparent, no more going out alone(only with you), and accounts for her were abouts all the time, check in often, and start building what she tore down....

Or you can just kick her out and start over! chancing fins another chick that will screw you over.

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post #11 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:15 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts!

the-guy with the cheating wife
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post #12 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:16 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Quote:
Originally Posted by user_zero View Post
- Get test for the STD's
-.
Has one already...sorry to say!
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post #13 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Quote:
Originally Posted by user_zero View Post
-
PS : I want to say to end your marriage at this point would be the best choice, but I'm sorry to say that I doubt you had any marriage.
I wish it was that easy.
after 31 years they had something


She is broken and if his old lady can affair proof the marriage and get help...that 31 years may not have been a waste.

again she is broken and we don't know the while story...maybe he was the best husband in the world or maybe he beat her...who knows.

But OP needs to find out the why...WW must find out the why...
What sucks donkey penis is even if OP was the best H in the world his old lady will rewrite the history of the marrriage and play the blame game to justify her behavior.
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post #14 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
Has one already...sorry to say!
he found this one because the symptoms were obvious. there are other std's he should check for.
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post #15 of 237 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 11:23 AM
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Re: My wifes betrayal

I have been married for 30 years and my husband also cheated for many years. The feelings of betrayal are horrible.

Please don't overreact right now. Think twice and act once.

Try to find a reliable therapist and start therapy as soon as possible. There is no way you can handle this by JUST talking with family/friends and posting on TAM.

Take care of yourself. I wish you the very best.

VH
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