Wife cheated on me with a woman
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-11-2010, 03:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife cheated on me with a woman

I think I'm about to give up on my marriage which is definitely the hardest reality to grasp. My wife and I have been together for nine years and we have three amazing children together, ages six years down to two. Yesterday I found out my wife has cheated on me on a couple of different occasions with a woman.

Throughout our marriage there have been lots of ups and downs. I know this is normal, but what we experience is not. It is constant. There are certainly great times but I do feel the bad definitely outweigh the good. We have both made lots of mistakes and I am absolutely not free from responsibility. I've made regrettable mistakes, however I have always remained faithful to my wife. I have never even come close to infidelity and never would.

My wife has had considerable spending issues spanning the length of our relationship. I will not get into specifics regarding our past problems, but I do note the overspending as I recently told her I don't trust her. It's only been a month but her habits have certainly changed for the better, but I just don't know if they'll last.

The other night she had one of her friends over, a single mom of one. I went to bed at 10 but couldn't sleep as they were being loud (I'm a light sleeper anyway and they were drinking). At one point I think I hear my wife say something about her "really enjoying hooking up" with her friend or something along those lines. I immediately got up and listened to their conversation. Ok, I eavesdropped, but that's where the lack of trust comes in I guess. I heard details about one time when they hooked up and I could feel my blood pressure soaring - I was betrayed. They went into the backyard to talk and ended up kissing. They came inside and setup blankets on the floor with every intention of "hooking up" again, except my wife starting throwing up from too much alcohol. This happening while our kids are asleep in their beds. All in all, a very classy evening. My wife doesn't have a drinking problem in that she drinks all the time, but it's a huge problem that when she does drink, she has a hard time stopping and ends up doing some very stupid things, we get in big fights, etc.

I confronted my wife about this the next day. She admitted to kissing her friend once and denied anything else. Later on that night she finally admitted to the truth. Any ounce of trust I had is completely gone and words can't describe how I'm feeling right now. She has been emailing me at work all day telling me how awful she feels, how it's completely inexcusable, blah blah blah - all the stuff anyone would say if they got caught cheating. She also told me she never considered it cheating because it was with a woman - come on. She has also said she has no interest whatsoever in women, she's not attracted to her friend, she loves me, etc. So here's where my confusion lies:

Deep down I love her, but I don't trust her. Above everything I can't stop thinking about the kids and how I want to keep the family together for them. They are our world. But how can I possibly trust her again? I mean, she will likely ask me how she could earn my trust again, and I honestly have no idea. Is it even possible? I'm not sure how I can move forward with her now, but I also cannot imagine splitting up the family. I never envisioned myself as a single dad in my mid-30's. I don't see how I will be able to let go of this one. I just want everyone to be happy, whatever that means.

I've been in therapy in the past to work on becoming a better husband for my marriage, and I was told I am co-dependent. I reread this post and think it sounds crazy - how could I stay? Maybe I'm addicted to the roller coaster ride, even though I hate it? I've thought about ending our marriage before but (obviously) never have. But this might just be that proverbial nail in the coffin. So I honestly don't know if I should accept her (what appears to be very genuine) apology and work on this, or finally say enough is enough and split up. Any and all comments are much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-11-2010, 07:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with a woman

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Originally Posted by Les Clue View Post



The other night she had one of her friends over, a single mom of one. I went to bed at 10 but couldn't sleep as they were being loud (I'm a light sleeper anyway and they were drinking). At one point I think I hear my wife say something about her "really enjoying hooking up" with her friend or something along those lines. I immediately got up and listened to their conversation. Ok, I eavesdropped, but that's where the lack of trust comes in I guess. I heard details about one time when they hooked up and I could feel my blood pressure soaring - I was betrayed. They went into the backyard to talk and ended up kissing. They came inside and setup blankets on the floor with every intention of "hooking up" again, except my wife starting throwing up from too much alcohol. This happening while our kids are asleep in their beds. All in all, a very classy evening. My wife doesn't have a drinking problem in that she drinks all the time, but it's a huge problem that when she does drink, she has a hard time stopping and ends up doing some very stupid things, we get in big fights, etc.

I confronted my wife about this the next day. She admitted to kissing her friend once and denied anything else. Later on that night she finally admitted to the truth. Any ounce of trust I had is completely gone and words can't describe how I'm feeling right now. She has been emailing me at work all day telling me how awful she feels, how it's completely inexcusable, blah blah blah - all the stuff anyone would say if they got caught cheating. She also told me she never considered it cheating because it was with a woman - come on. She has also said she has no interest whatsoever in women, she's not attracted to her friend, she loves me, etc. So here's where my confusion lies:
How can she on one hand be telling her friend how much she enjoyed hooking up, set up blankets to do it again, then on the other hand tell you that she is not attracted to her?

I am afraid you can't believe a word she says. Actions speak louder then words. I would kick her out till she proved herself. Or dump her for good.
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Old 03-11-2010, 09:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with a woman

Betrayal hurts. Too much alcohol hurts. And a house of kids hurts. (I have kids too and understand the work involved on all levels.)

I am NOT making excuses and totally despise her removing blame of not cheating since it was with a person of the same sex. That is BS.

She betrayed you.
She's got some serious issues going on that the alcohol is trying to help her avoid. She's in some kind of denial.

Everyone in this forum (on the betrayed side) has faced the question "am I an idiot for staying." Your situation is no different. But perhaps you can keep is as just a question right now. Don't rush to answer it yet.

Is she sincere in her apology? Can you give her more time to prove to you? Can you challenge her to not only clean up her act but get help. AND perhaps can you look from her eyes to see what might be missing in her life that would lead her to act like this?

It sucks being the one betrayed and and the same time have to look at what you can do differently to make HER life better - when all you want to do is say F-you. Trust me, I know that! But maybe...

Give yourself a little time to think it through.
Good luck. I'm sorry you have to experience this. It does SUCK!
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with a woman

Thanks to you both for your input. She explains much of her mistakes as a result of too much alcohol. I have told her for years that I believe she has a problem but, since it's a problem of how much she drinks at a time and not how often she drinks, she denies it. As I mentioned there are other "layers" to the situation, like the fact she suffers from OCD (and is currently on medication to help), so I think she in part drinks to escape reality.

She has continued to apologize and request we go to counseling. I am skeptical as we spent about 9 months with a therapist, once a week, and I feel it helped very, very little except for significantly reducing our bank account. She says she wants to work through this and stay together, but I just flat out don't trust her worth a damn. Plus, deep down I think she's more afraid of losing the family unit (kids) than she is the marriage. And I wonder if I'm not guilty of that same thing....
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Old 03-11-2010, 11:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with a woman

The trust issue is enough to drive us all crazy. That said, I wouldn't make any decisions about leaving until it's clear she is either unable or unwilling to be honest with you, grow up and patch things up. I wouldn't be quick to leave the kids alone with her, either. I have seen this exact situation really scar the kids when the parents broke up and they were left with a mother who was more interested in her own needs than theirs.

Best to you,

Lyn
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