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I can't believe this ... what do I do next?

94K views 240 replies 62 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.

After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.

I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.

She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.

Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.

Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!
 
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#34 ·
I have checked the data usage and there is nothing there.

I screwed up today and think she got ahold of my external hard drive where I have my recordings saved from my recorders around the house. Not sure if she heard them or saved them to her computer. I guess I will find out one way or the other and it does not really matter at this point.

I need to talk with a lawyer this week and get the ball rolling. It is so hard for me to actually do this, but think it has to be down like the above replies. She has no consequences for anything right now and she will either snap out of this affair fog or will leave.
 
#35 ·
Damn it ... I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Just like everyone else posting in this website, I can't believe this is happening to me.

I am absolutely not having sex with her again. Sex confusing everything for me and can't think clearly. After having sex with my wife today, I get thoughts in my mind that things are working out. These thoughts are completely ridiculous and sex is messing with my mind.
 
#42 · (Edited)
Even though you believe it, it can still seem unbelievable, if that makes sense.

It seems for a FWW/WW who wants to keep her plan B around, sex is the weapon of choice.

There are a lot of bonding hormones released during sex, not to mention cuddling. It's not just in your head.

Cold turkey, and if you must partake, use condoms. If you feel however, that emotions are just too strong, better not to.

I am also getting obsessed with the snooping and trying to find out the real whole truth. It is starting to affect me at work and home. I find myself forgetting to do things I am need to do and not spending time with my kids.
I think we all go through a period like that. It'll pass. I remember spending days sifting through data backups, thinking up ways to test her story.

Looking back, it was a huge waste of time.

Putting your effort into you and your kids will pay off far more than throwing more good money after bad with WW.

My wife acts around the house like she has never been happier in her entire life. I asked her why she is so happy and she said it is a front for the kids. She said she is not happy right now. I said why are you not happy, you are getting every f??king thing you want. F??k her. There I go, get mad and motivated again. I can do this.
She's fogged up. She probably wonders how much of your reaction will stick, and secretly hopes it can all go back to the way it was, in time. (assuming her and OM don't have other plans.)

My advice is to start working out, working on yourself. This anger you feel will die down over time (even if it never goes away). Stronglifts 5x5, or mark rippletoes starting strength are good places to start. I wouldn't follow the dietary advice of rippletoe, but the exercise routine is very solid. Of the two I think stronglifts is probably better, but they're both solid imo. If you've never done them before, youtube has videos on proper form. That's really important, especially for squatting/dead lifting and shoulder exercises. Stronglifts is free, and the website has lots of information both on the routine and the individual exercises.

An old weight bench and barbell with weights is all you need to start.

If you choose to exercise, i would stay away from long duration cardio due to the cortisol increase (stress hormone) and accompanying drop in testosterone. In an already calorie restricted state, adding lots of exercise has been proven not to be the best idea for long term success. It's great for improving fitness and weight maintenance, but the hormone profile it causes along with leptin (appetite) increases isn't good.

If you're dieting, lifting weights is even more important. You want to spare every ounce of muscle you can.

These routines won't take long, and for a beginner will be just fine for building strength and some muscle. It'll take a few weeks or months to start noticing any change but it's well worth it.

There's also another good one by all pro. It's a hypertrophy routine, though I forget the name.

I've found no better therapy than lifting weights and taking care of yourself. It gives you small goals you can knock out week after week, and provides you with a much needed distraction. Not to mention the boost in confidence is sorely needed.

Often seeing a BS start hitting the gym, going out, meeting new people will cause a WS to start wondering WTF is going on.

The 180 works so well because the WS has in their mind this plan B will stick around no matter what. They just assume if they throw you sex now and then, maybe a nice evening here and there, you'll continue to enable their behavior.

Acting like you're moving on, even if you fake it, eventually shatters this notion. Sometimes the WS doesn't notice till it's too late, or eventually figures they don't care.

Regardless it's probably the wisest choice.

Have you used VARs or anything? Weightlifters post on VARs is solid if you decide to go that route.
 
#36 ·
I am also getting obsessed with the snooping and trying to find out the real whole truth. It is starting to affect me at work and home. I find myself forgetting to do things I am need to do and not spending time with my kids.

My wife acts around the house like she has never been happier in her entire life. I asked her why she is so happy and she said it is a front for the kids. She said she is not happy right now. I said why are you not happy, you are getting every f??king thing you want. F??k her. There I go, get mad and motivated again. I can do this.
 
#37 ·
By OP
I can't believe this ... what do I do next?
Great one sentence answer by Happyman below:
By Happyman
Give her consequences that she will feel.
Give her consequences; not so much out of revenge but because it is a very good action that can be good for you and her. If she is one of those that is in a fog and has dropped into a very selfish attitude then no amount of reasoning or kindness will help much. Deep selfishness often only responds to pain.

In your case the consequences will give you a measure of justice and will show that you demand respect. If you want to R then consequences may be the jolt that gets the WS to start to try and gets some dignity back into their life.
 
#39 ·
OK if you wish to get the truth faster here is how to go 007 on her hardcore.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar?

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat.

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

Look at the external drive. Did she delete the stuff? If she did you can undelete it using recovery programs. NEXT TIME SAVE IT ON an offsite thumb drive and a cloud space SEPARATELY!!!
 
#40 ·
She probably deleted all your stuff off the hard drive but it can be recovered. If you do recover it, Dropbox the hell out of it.

And seriously. Is this OM married or not? If he is telling his wife could be a big help in ending the affair. Extra pair of eyes to keep tabs on his end. Giving her a copy of every scrap of evidence you have.

As for consequences, have you exposed to your families and close friends? Does she work? If not cut her a-- off. Have you separated finances yet? You can't legally kick her out the house and if she won't leave then kick her a-- out the bedroom. I read on another site about a BH who threw everything of the WWs out the bedroom and put a combination lock on the door. Start doing the 180 and begin divorce proceedings like you planned.

Also begin steps to improve yourself. NOT for her but for YOURSELF. Buy a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy. Change your style, start working out more, go out by yourself and do something. With or without your current wife, you can get through this and you'll be fine.
 
#41 ·
I have already gone through the divorce diet and lost 17 lbs in the first 3 weeks. You are right that I was not even hungry, but have starting eating again and weight has stabilized.

She does not go out at night and party. She tells me this guys means nothing to her and she just wants to be independent/not maried. Her parents smothered her and made all decisions her entire life. Her parents have crippled her and I have probably done the same thing to her. She has always had someone just completely take care of her. This OM is probably just encouraging her to be single like he is and telling her how great it is. He has no family and my wife has 3 kids. My wife is a complete idiot.

Even if she decided to R, not sure I want her back. This will all happen again. Once a cheater always a cheater.
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#43 ·
This is all a result of being wrapped up in the A. She's saying it's not him she just wants her independence, but the truth is it is him. Her reason for wanting independence is to be with OM. Give her what she asked for. Cut her off.

File D.

Don't pay any attention to her other than what is legally required. Do the 180 to the best of your ability.

Immediately cut off any money you're giving her.
 
#46 ·
So long as he picks just about anything not completely stupid, it'll work.

Musclehack looks okay too. Just pick one. Though my advice is stronglifts because of its simplicity and effectiveness with anyone new to lifting. I'm not saying it's necessarily superior. The most important thing is sticking to it. Stronglifts is similar to starting strength, and even bill stars 5x5, and has more of a bent toward a lifting foundation to build off of.

I think the simple A/B schedule rather than a split for starting out, and only a handful of exercises per workout is great. You learn the core lifts, perfect form, and down the road maybe add more isolation stuff.

Often it's a case of doing something, but not doing too much, too fast.

I think lyle mcdonalds generic hypertrophy routine is probably the most efficient, but the various exercises and set ranges 't seem overly complex to recommend for someone completely new to it.
 
#49 ·
Is there anyway for me to get custody of the kids? She is obviously making bad decisions and do not want her to bring the kids down with her. She has repeatedly said she is not leaving the kids.

My plan is to talk with lawyer this week and make her an offer on divorce settlement that I want. If she does not agree, we will fivht it out and give all our cash to lawyers. She will be left with nothing and cant even support herself. I will not even skip a beat unless totally screwed in divorce. Texas is pretty fair, but still going to get fu??ked.
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#50 ·
Is there anyway for me to get custody of the kids? She is obviously making bad decisions and do not want her to bring the kids down with her. She has repeatedly said she is not leaving the kids.

My plan is to talk with lawyer this week and make her an offer on divorce settlement that I want. If she does not agree, we will fivht it out and give all our cash to lawyers. She will be left with nothing and cant even support herself. I will not even skip a beat unless totally screwed in divorce. Texas is pretty fair, but still going to get fu??ked.
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Unlikely that a judge would allow you more that 50/50 custody based on her A, if even that. You'd have to prove that she was an unfit mother. (Drugs, law breaking, child abuse, diagnosed mental issues, etc.)
 
#51 ·
I am a professional counselor. Stop the MC now. Your wife has left the marriage. No need to continue MC. THe snooping will be obsessive, been there. Your wife is flagrantly flaunting her privacy. This is not good. Unrepentant.

Do the 180. Focus on you and the kids.

1. Cut off her finances. If you pay the bills she does not need money from you. Cut off as much as you can.
2. Get control of all accounts. Pay the main bills. Go to the bank and get the account in your name. I did and I was the principle on that account. My wife complained, went to the bank and found out she could do nothing.
3. I cut off her cell phone. I was the principle on that account. Your wife like mine has a burner phone so she does not need another phone.
4. Seek legal advice. My attorney told me I could cut off almost everything. As long as the bills were paid I could change accounts, cut her off from the money. She was working part time.
5. File for D. Like badmemory said you can delay it if she shows remorse.
6. Don't file for D if you don't mean it. It is like telling the kid, don't do this or if you do then I will punish you and you don't mean it or don't follow through. You do it to threaten them. Your wife will see right through this if that is your purpose. If you file for D mean it.


Many of us have been through this. I have been through hel* and back. My wife told me the A was over then I went through over a year of false R. She still continued the A and was still having sex, even after we bought our second home, went on trips to Cancun and the Virgin Islands.

Don't let her dictate anything. Don't be mean but let her go.
 
#55 ·
Did I mention my wife is an idiot!!! I have her computer now and have gotten past her password. The computer is mine now andshe thinks the hard drive crashed and the computer is junk ... LOL. I have briefly gone through it and not found anything. Looks like she deleted some stuff, but not all. Going to look at her bookmarks tonight. Any tips on what I should do or where to look. I am good with computers, but by far not an IT person.
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#57 ·
What kind of e-mail program did she use? If it was Outlook or another non-internet based application, all her deleted e-mails would be on the hard drive, waiting for you to recover them with recovery software. If her e-mail account is through your cable provider (ISP), then there is a good possibility that the last couple of years worth of them are still on the server - and can be recovered by opening the same account on another computer.

Sometimes you just have to be "lucky", but that's how I recovered my wife's deleted e-mails.
 
#60 ·
One thing you will hear is to stop using the computer and have forensics done on it. Typically it will cost about $1,000.00 and you will need to have an attorney do it. When I contacted some computer forensic companies, they told me they only do business with attorneys. It has to do with legality of who owns the computer ect.

Having said that, there are some ways to go into the computer and perhaps find the passwords. Sometimes, the person may have the computer remember the password and you may not have to do anything other then go to the log in page and it will automatically log you in.

Some people have a file in their computer named "passwords" with a list of their passwords.. You might get lucky.

Some folks use the same password for everything.

Until my wife gave me her passwords when she came clean I would have never figured it out.
 
#62 ·
If the computer is yours you can have the forensics done on it. Not cheap, but it is the best way to get the data you are looking for. Most software programs out there will not do it and may even get rid of the stuff you are looking for.

Yea, keep your cool. Anything you find keep it guarded and do not let her know anything about what you find nor that the computer is working. Don't show your hand.
 
#64 ·
If she's using google chrome you can find passwords to pretty much every password protected site she's been too if she hasn't cleared her password history recently.
 
#65 ·
Gah too bad she thinks the comp is junk. Id have it full of fun little things like keyloggers. THAT will get you into yahoo.

IIRC Yahoo does leave html traces there are a few progies out threre that can find some stuff.

Is the site initials AM? BTW what is the date on the bookmark? You can see created and last accessed on bookmark properties.
 
#66 ·
The bookmark is dated August 20 and I found out about all this stuff around August 7.

My recorder picked up her talking to herself about a damn phone not working. Right. Sounds to me like a cheap prepaid phone. I also hear hear talking to herself and can tell she is probably texting. I hear her say something like "damn I did not invite Jeff". I only know 1 jeff and he lives 5 hours from me and know that is not who she is talking about. What is going on?

I am going to setup my recorders tomorrow as always and this time stick my cell phone in her car on silent. She might be leaving the phone I track at home and going somewhere with the prepaid. I will track my own phone.

After digging through her computer, I found nothing except that website. Look the website up and let me know what you think ... Eroticads.com
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#67 · (Edited)
Most often people use the same password for everything.

You can also try password recovery options using secret questions. It's often "what's your birthday" "what color is your car" etc. You'd want to check the legality of that in your area.

Also, assuming you have the main email account used to sign up for other accounts, you can generally reset the passwords pretty easy. For example, facebook or if there's a gmail address.

Again i'm not sure of the legality of this in your area. Everyone pretty well knows all this anyways.

Even though FWW had deleted the pics she sent OM, they were still on the PC almost 2 years later. I also got pics of the OM.

Most were sent through the phone though, and that's a whole other animal.

You can pull the hard drive and put it in another machine, but chances are you'll be able to grab some stuff even if you don't do that.

There's a lot of free recovery software for Jpgs and what not.

Iphones are far easier to retrieve texts from than android. With a great many android phones it's simply not possible.

Assuming she has a smart phone, I would bet most of the infidelity took place through that.

You can also try hooking the phone up to a PC and running a recovery program on the SD card. There's tutorials but this is hit and miss. Depends on if the phone is rooted, permissions, brand even, etc.
 
#71 ·
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Check to see if she has used a credit card to pay for membership. Do women have to pay for memberships to these kid of sites?
 
#72 · (Edited)
OP just buy a SONY voice activated recorder. ICDPX312 or ICDPX333.

If you need help boosting the recordings. Ive removed noise and pulled whispers at 40 feet using software. I have a special email I use to receive files. Get to 30 posts for access to private forum and see RDMU thread #2 post 1 for my confidentiality and reliability. I also can decipher about twice what he can of his own wife. Hopefully you were using at least 40K bit an hour recording speed.

Chap. May or may not be true. I could write that there are not one but two chicks pleasuring me while I type this while two more are making videos from me on the couch.

Stay cool. We will have you through this and in nuclear confront soon enough. I gave RDMU most of his confront. She broke in under a minute. BTW save a screenie of the website then print it (You can put the screen shot on a usb drive and get them printed at staples if you dont have a printer". It will make a great piece to break your wife during the confront.

Edit: You know this is extremely likely to end very very bad right? Yes we will help you there too.

PM me if you need more. Were here to help you through this.
 
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