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I can't believe this ... what do I do next?

94K views 240 replies 62 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.

After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.

I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.

She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.

Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.

Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!
 
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#123 ·
Btw, if she asks or talks to you about something besides the kids, smile pleasantly and tell her that would no longer be any concern of hers.

About her money situation, tell her you are no longer her provider, ask the OM for money. But do it cheerfully like its the most normal thing in the world.

You only talk about the relationship as long as she brings it up and plays nice. Other wise, hold up your hand and tell her you are not comfortable with where this is going.
 
#125 ·
H&A has the contact stopped?

BTW on VARS and recording in the house and car. They are for YOUR INTEL ONLY. NEVER DIVULGE THEM! They are MASSIVELY powerful tools to keep you in the know and nothing more. Yes its frustrating not being able to use them otherwise but they are great for staying ahead of the game.

Oh and always back all evidence up offsite and two places.
 
#126 ·
OP do you have your wife spanking the kids on the var? If yes that may be helpful consult your attorney.

Two pieces if advice based on the level if deception and complete lack of remorse. This may have been going on for longer than you think and a lack of proof otherwise just isn't good enough.

Get checked for stds. Protect your health
Check the paternity of your kids. It is easy cheap painless and private. She dos not need to participate. Spend a few minutes on google. You will get Several results for paternity testing at home.

Good luck
Wd
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#127 ·
I am mad right now and my brain is racing.

What if after the divorce this guy moves in with my wife and is around my kids a lot? I honestly think that would never happen because what single guy would want to move in with 3 little girls. Ido not know if I could take it. It would absolutely tear me apart. Anyone but that MF!
I am sure there are alot of people who read this have already gone through this. What are your experiences with this. No sure I am strong enough for that.
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#134 ·
Raising three children takes a lot of time and energy. If you tell his family that their beloved brother/son is about to get a whole bunch of kids to absorb his time and money (but which do not bear any of his DNA), they may shout "run away from her as fast as possible, you dumb wit!"

This may help to destroy the affair and bring your wife to earth. File for divorce and hand her the papers. They don't become a fact for some time, but the shock could curdle the cream that has her licking her lips.
 
#137 ·
I'd call them, very calmly, to find out what kind of man he is. And I'd tell them that's the reason you want to know, given "he's likely to be around your kids". You are a concerned parent. This way exposing him as a homewreker is done a matter of fact.
 
#138 ·
I know she is looking at different apartments and going to see a lawyer about her rights.

I tried to call and text the OM and still nothing from him. I told him I hope they have not had sex because both of us have herpes. Lol and not true. Maybe this will keep him away. Just the thought of getting a std would keep me away.

I also fried to expose him to his family, but I have wrong number. Need to do more research. I called the rest of her family and told them. I expect all hell to break lose tonight.

Stay tuned for more details ...

Wow. There was a litle humor from me and maybe a sign I am starting to finally move on.
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#139 ·
Be prepared for all the typical BS:
I was GOING to choose you, but not after you've done this!
My family and friends think you're crazy!
We laugh about you and how pathetic you are.
I'm going to war now and I'll take you for everything you've got.

You know, the usual rants of a cornered animal.

Do NOT get into a discussion; state only that you're filing for divorce. Look at how badly js's situation has become because right after he exposed, he agreed to consider R with his WW.
 
#142 ·
Here we go. Wife is at lawyers office right now and has been there for 2 hours and counting. A consultation is only for 1 hour and they must be putting the papers together.

I am ready for this and putting the marfiage past me. I am ready to finish this.

Lets go!!!
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#144 ·
She spent 2 hours at lawyers office and then went straight to the bank. I sure she found out that I have cleaned the accounts out. She has not said anything to me tonight about any of it.

I hate having to be secretive to protect myself from my own wife. This is bs and absolutely hat this.

I told my counselor I am at a point where I do not really care about anything except my kids. I could careless if I was fired tomorrow. My counselor said the is a sign of depression. I really need to start taking care of myself. I am down 20 lbs to 159 and need to be strong for the fight I am about to have. I am so tired emotionally, physically, mentally etc. I have no motivation to do anything.

I am sure other people have experienced this ... Need advice how to stay strong!
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#146 ·
H&A

I am glad you cleaned out the accounts.

You know what your goals are so stick to them.

1. Protect yourself.
2. Protect your girls.
3. Ensure a brighter future for you and your girls.
4. Get rid of the boat anchor.

So eat healthy. Find a way to relieve stress (no alcohol).

You will be in a better place in the near future.

I have 3 girls too and would do anything to protect them.

That means keeping your job and providing for them so if you are feeling depressed go see a DR. for help.

You are not alone!

HM64
 
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