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I can't believe this ... what do I do next?

94K views 240 replies 62 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.

After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.

I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.

She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.

Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.

Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!
 
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#149 ·
Dear helpandadvice,

It looks like your WW is getting the jump on you. That is a smart thing to do from her POV and indicates that she has the upper hand in your relationship (the one who is more willing and prepared to end the marriage is the one who is in really charge). You said she is an idiot. Actually, she is acting a lot smarter (and stronger) than you right now. You need to fix that, pronto.

You said almost two weeks ago that you were going to file for D. Why haven't you? While it may not be all that important in the end, you should be the one to file for D, not your WW. Have you at least hired an attorney? You need to start getting legal advice now as to what your rights and responsibilities are while the two of you are still married and what is your best course of action to improve the outcome with respect to child custody, child support, alimony and division of property.

You are now in a fight for yours and your children's future. Please do not sit on your hands while she determines the outcome. Get moving.
 
#151 ·
Sorry dude but you have made a serious error by not filing for divorce first as this forum as been urging. Having been through two divorces I can tell you that the one who files is in the drivers seat through the divorce process. Get in gear and get to the attorneys office.....now.
 
#152 ·
I have not filed yet on the recomendation from my lawyer. I was told to wait until she starts work, which is on monday, to file because she is no longer a stay at home mother. I have also found out she is talking to a good lawyer. I have another appointment now on monday with the best family law attorney in Dallas.

Positioning myself to fight for my kids. Believe me, I am close to being ready. This is going to get ugly ... I just know it.
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#157 ·
I am filing for divorce today. Not something I am proud of nor do I want. I have no choice and can't continue living like this with someone who checked out of the marriage months ago. I have no choice.

It is a sad day in my life. Never thought my life would be like this. I am a little depressed , but will be ok.
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#162 ·
Don't go see her attorney. I don't get why she would want you to do this. If this comes up again, ask her very politely why do you want me to come see your attorney? Then see what her responce is and act accordingly.

Believe me when I say this. Your wife is in a fog. She is not rational. Whether this is an exit A or not will be determined at some point down the road. Normally, these A's don't last pass the heat of exposure.

Expect at some point your wife to run back to you.

If not your plan so far is a good one to file for D.

Do not answer her questions about your attorney. Don't feed her information.
 
#163 ·
Don't go see her attorney. I don't get why she would want you to do this. If this comes up again, ask her very politely why do you want me to come see your attorney? Then see what her responce is and act accordingly.

Believe me when I say this. Your wife is in a fog. She is not rational. Whether this is an exit A or not will be determined at some point down the road. Normally, these A's don't last pass the heat of exposure.

Expect at some point your wife to run back to you.

If not your plan so far is a good one to file for D.

Do not answer her questions about your attorney. Don't feed her information.
My guess is her attorney didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. The wife met with her lawyer thinking she would be told that she would get almost all their possessions, child support and alimony, etc. and her life style would not change significantly - except her husband would be out of the house. Her attorney most likely advised her to get a job and try to work out the settlement as amicably as possible between themselves.
 
#164 ·
I filed for divorce yesterday and gave her the papers. As I expected, she kind of smiled and said ok ... Basically no reaction. We talked later after the kids went to bed and told her of my offer. I am trying to get most of the custody for obvious reasons, but mostly to provide a stable home. She will struggle to support herself, much less 3 kids. Her plan is to move all 4 of them in a 2 bedroom apartment. What a joke.

She obviously did not like my offer, but going to give her time to think about it. The alternative is go to court and will spend every dime we have. We will both be broke, but I will have a good job.

This just sucks so bad. I hate this. I have no choice.
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#166 ·
You are in a tough situation. But with her response or lack or her response, you are doing the right thing.

Tell her again, to just leave the kids with you and she can go to the OM. Remind her that he is single and would not want the complication of your daughters.

Someday she will realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life.
 
#171 ·
I filed for divorce last week and filed a basic vanilla petition in hopes of working something out. Her lawyer replies a couple days later with a 15 page response with all kinds of un true accusations. My lawyer has drafted a huge response to this and completely slams her. She will have to answer alot of questions she does not want to answer. My lawyer completely out classes hers and made me feel a lot better.

Did talk to her last night and she will now agree to a 60/40 custody in favor of me. Why would she do that? Is she feeling guilty for things I do know know about? Is she caving in? Does she not really even want the kids? Do the kids not fit into herfuture plans? Everyone knows that it is tough for men to get custody even though it is getting easier. She is just giving me most of the custody. She alo said that I could probably have them more than that, but anything less would make her look like a crappy mom. I hahave asked for a little more custody than this because of the crazy things she is doing. That is probably unrealistic, but just trying to do the best for the kids.

I think I may accept this as long as the other details work out and they should because we have already agreed on most things. This is just so crazy and sad. I guess it is what it is. I can't imagine being in the single world again. I remember how bad it sucked for the most part. I am not the wild a crazy guy usually and mostly a home body. It is hard for me to imagine being with someone else, but I am sure it will happen.
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#172 ·
Did talk to her last night and she will now agree to a 60/40 custody in favor of me. Why would she do that? Is she feeling guilty for things I do know know about? Is she caving in? Does she not really even want the kids? Do the kids not fit into herfuture plans? Everyone knows that it is tough for men to get custody even though it is getting easier. She is just giving me most of the custody. She alo said that I could probably have them more than that, but anything less would make her look like a crappy mom. I hahave asked for a little more custody than this because of the crazy things she is doing. That is probably unrealistic, but just trying to do the best for the kids.
She's pathetic. What a shame.
I asume she plans to move away. She admits the custody issue is to safe face/reputation, not even in the best interest of her own flesh.
You should have it put black over white.
 
#175 · (Edited)
You're 37. And your wife? This destruction of your family... it seems like her reproductive system, including the non-rational parts of her brain, have gone into overdrive in the quest to have a last child or two before her ability to bear children is over. She lacked the integrity, ethics and self discipline to reign in her desire.

The consequences are unlikely to be good for her, for what guy wants to saddle himself with a woman with children who will resent him? To be sure there are men out there who will even contemplate becoming step fathers. However, your wife is a mess.

Hope she gets a handle on herself for the sake of your children. For now all you can do is detach and hope she comes to her senses so that she can be a decent co-parent.
 
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