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I can't believe this ... what do I do next?

94K views 240 replies 62 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.

After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.

I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.

She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.

Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.

Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!
 
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#212 ·
you have done the best for you man, is good that you were not delusional and saw your wife for what she was, a heartless woman more interested in hooking with different men than her own children.

Now that you have exposed her, and you have a good arregment in the divorce, is time to think in yourself and forget her.

follow 180, detach from her, go to the gym, jog, find a hobby, you don't need to keep torturing yourself being involved in her business, is better to focus in your own hapiness, there are alot of lovely women out there.
 
#217 ·
I am not sure why she is so horny now.

I was getting so close to getting through this and everything started to seem better. I just could not let it just go and kept looking for answers. Up until the other day, I had no proof of a PA, but no more. Not only did she confess to sex with someone else, but there is another OM. What the hell.

I have been sucked right back in and hurt soooo bad again. I have never hated my ****ty, screwed up fed upex wife. The kids are the only thing stopping me from getting really pissed. I send her cussing text several times a day. I want to find a way to just totally forget about her. I hate her so much. She will rot in hell.

She moved into her apartment last friday and this is her weekend. What do you know, she is sick and does not think it is a good idea for them to be around her. I called her out on it and said she would come get my oldest sunday morning. I told her come get them on saturday or not at all. She did not come get them. Does anyone actually think she was sick? Was it just a coincidence that it was party saturday nigh or sex saturdays? Hahahahahahahaha

What a complete pos!!!!! I can't believe I never saw any signs of this behavior. She was never like this.

In case you forgot .... I hate my ****ty ex. She has hurt so many people even her own family. She has no one except these MF that she is sleping with.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
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#221 ·
I am not sure why she is so horny now.

I was getting so close to getting through this and everything started to seem better.

I have been sucked right back in and hurt soooo bad again.

I have never hated my ****ty, screwed up fed upex wife. Does anyone actually think she was sick? Was it just a coincidence that it was party saturday nigh or sex saturdays?
You DO see the manipulation here, right?
 
#218 ·
I hurt sooo bad!! Not sure of anything. Just one day at a time.

I have no idea where I would be without my counselor. I have seen her every week for 4 months and probably half that time was twice a week. I have had to call emergency sessions the last couple weeks and have another one on monday. I sound like a crazy person and honestly probably am right now. I feel so scared? I feel so pissed? I feel so angry? I feel so sick and disgused! There you go dr Tina ... i fell statements. Hahahahahah
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#222 ·
I fell as if there is a hole in my heart. It hurts and I just want to be don with her. How do you guys stop this or does it just go away with time? I never had those flash backs or whatever TAM calls it until now. I will be doing fine and then pow ... Makes me so mad. I picture how it all went down? What did they do? Where ... In my house? It drives me crazy?

I have made a profile on a dating website. I know I am not ready, but want some one to have fun with. No one would want this mess of a person I am right now. I need to just slow down. What am I doing? Maybe if I have sex with someone it will help me forget or move on. Probably not ... Need to just take time for me to heal and be here for my kids.

Any thoughts out there? Looking for advice.
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#227 ·
It is hard for me drink because my stomach is in knots.

I did ask about stds and she said no she does not have anything. I feel like getting tested anyways.

My gut has always been right through this mess and I feel there is a lot more to this story. For me I know enough now and it does not matter. I am cleaning house and getting the dirty b out of my life.

Funny story, my wife reached out to a friend looking for my ex gf phone number. She did a number on me also and cannot stand her either. Not sure what she wanted to talk to her about, but my ex is now trying to find info about me. She even sent my mom an email asking how I was doing. What the heck ... I am a magnent for crazies. I am talking to my counselor about why I am attracted to these crazy people and do not make this mistake again. WTF
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#229 ·
It will go away with time, the pain, or at least it will dull. Best advice I know is (1) start exercising - a lot; (2) sign up for a class or a hobby club, something you've always wanted to learn; (3) change your routine so you're experiencing new things; these new memories will start crowding out the old ones.
 
#231 ·
"Funny story, my wife reached out to a friend looking for my ex gf phone number. She did a number on me also and cannot stand her either. Not sure what she wanted to talk to her about, but my ex is now trying to find info about me. She even sent my mom an email asking how I was doing. What the heck"

Yell your SEBXW in no uncertain terms to stay the F out of your life and knock off whatever she is doing.

Tell her a lying, cheating, useless woman such as herself has lost all rights and privileges to know anything about your life, past, present , or future.
 
#232 ·
OP I know you are in intense pain and hurt. It must be unbearable to see someone you love giving herself away like this. But you need to step back and take a long objective look at this thing your wife has allowed herself to become.

Right now she is in a self induced semi-psychosis. She knows what she is doing is wrong and destructive, but she has hit a momentum where she literally cannot stop herself. No one can stop her. Sometimes you have to let people like this run their course, lose everything, and hit rock bottom before they ever wake up and stop their destructive behavior.

Your needs, your children's needs are not her priority. She could care less.

So what do you do? Document. Document everything: dates, times, things she has said, lies you have caught her in. Keep a running log every day of her bad behavior. When the time comes, give this information to your lawyer and use her bad behavior to show a judge that the kids belong with you.

You have to gird your loins and get mean with her. Pull out all the stops and make sure you have retained a shark lawyer with no soul.

Quit sitting there being the victim. Establish your boundaries with her and STICK TO THEM. No more sex with her!

Plumb mad dog mean...... - YouTube
 
#233 ·
OP,

You are doing everything correctly. Your wife is reaching out to your Mom and Ex GF because you have her off balance. She believed that she had you under control. Your recent actions and the speed and pace have her reacting not leading. You are Leading! Great!

Your wife is trying to gather intel on you. This is a version of you that she has not seen and did not know existed. She will probably change her approach and strategy with you very quickly. The old one hasn't worked! Be careful and watch out. Something big is about to happen!
 
#234 ·
OP,

You are doing everything correctly. Your wife is reaching out to your Mom and Ex GF because you have her off balance. She believed that she had you under control. Your recent actions and the speed and pace have her reacting not leading. You are Leading! Great

Your wife is trying to gather intel on you. This is a version of you that she has not seen and did not know existed. She will probably change her approach and strategy with you very quickly. The old one hasn't worked! Be careful and watch out. Something big is about to happen!

My STBXW and my ex are both trying to gather intel on me. WTF
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#238 ·
I have not been on here in awhile and wanted to give an update.

My divorce was final December 19, 2013 on my youngest daughters 2nd birthday. I told my f-ing ex now she has 2 things to celebrate. I have most custody and she gets standard possession which is every Thursday and every other weekend. I know courts rule more for 50/50, but it is more like 70/30 in my favor. She gets what guys used to typically get. I have to pay for basically everything, but I only pay her $300/month and would have been $2300 if she had sole custody. I feel this is a major win for me. I did not have to fight her for this and she gave it to. In her words and I quote "she just wants out".

I made the affair a living hell and told him I knew and was going to tell his father, mother and sister. He has never talked to me and I heard through the grape vine he was scared I was going to do something. I AM A STRONG ADVOCATE FOR EXPOSING THE FAIR BECAUSE IT RUINED MY EXES AFFAIR. HE EVEN CANCELLED HIS TRIP TO DALLAS FROM NEW YORK BECAUSE I AM A LUNATIC AND DOES NOT WANT TO BE CONFRONTED BY ME. This is a small victory and do not know if it just delayed the unevitable. I do not care and really moving on now.

So much has happened and I even had a meeting alone with her parents and showed all the proof. I knew she was lying to them about everything and I told them the truth. Pulled out pictures, printouts, etc. and really opened their eyes.

I am now thinking about starting a new thread in the after divorce section. I am so much better than before, but having a real difficult time with moving on. I still feel like I am married and want to be intimate with someone badly. I think about picking someone up all the time. I have went out to bars, but I have been out of the game so long and it is miserable. I can't even image actually picking someone up. I am not even close to being ready for someone else. I think I need time to be by myself and have time to heal, but I am a man that has needs like the rest of us.

Any thoughts out there about moving on after a divorce. I am having a tough time.
 
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