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I can't believe this ... what do I do next?

94K views 240 replies 62 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.

After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.

I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.

She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.

Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.

Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!
 
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#2 ·
I wouldn't call you an idiot because I didn't see the same signs when my ex did the same. But let's look at the facts...

She has been sending someone else naked pictures; more than twice as many as she's sent you. You end up finding out about it, the both of you go to counseling, and her response is to put password protectors on her phone. Now she has a prepaid phone that she texts and calls from that you have no access to because she knows that you are tracking her and she wants her 'privacy'. It has gotten to the point where even your kids knows to an extent what is going on. Oh yeah, almost forgot; she told you that she doesn't want to be married to you anymore.

The only way I know to rectify this is to give her what she wants. Why stay with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you? And what example would you be setting for your kids? That it's a-ok for someone to run over them and ask for more?

In order for you to begin reconciling, the first thing that needs to happen is full disclosure. The next thing is having complete access to her phone records, texts, etc. Instead, she is putting up more lines of defense.

A rendezvous is bound to happen one day, if it hasn't already. My suggestion would be to your finances together and call a lawyer. Believe me, she already has...
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#3 ·
Sounds like she's wrapped pretty tight with this guy.

Don't doubt a lot of the talk now has been that she needs to leave you so she can be with this OM. I'm sure they plan a future as they ride off into the sunset.

I would also be shocked if he hasn't made a road trip down your way. 4 hours isn't that far for someone in heat. They could have even met half way. That's a lot of texts and naked pictures for someone who hasn't yet had sex. After all, they're in "lurrrvvveee"

Do not worry about what kind of money she can make. That's her problem. Don't worry if she sinks or swims. When she chose to cheat, they ceased to be your concerns.

If she can't take care of your kids then you must.

She continues to disrespect you, make plans for a future without you, and here you are wondering what to do. I think it's pretty obvious.

Have no doubt they aren't talking about anything except a possible future without you.

It's going to be:
"hey, send me a pic"
And she says "Cant. my husband knows, what now?"
"Leave him, i'll take care of you, baby."

Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer? Do you lift weights and workout?

All this hand wringing you're doing is wasted. Put all that effort into yourself. Be okay with losing this marriage, and do your best to make the transition to a single life as easy as possible on yourself.

If she shows remorse, opens up, maybe you decide to give her a chance. But all you're doing now is spinning your wheels, and it's making things worse for you.

Your "gut" is like that little line of text in the matrix saying "Neo, wake up".
 
#4 ·
Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!
No, you're not an idiot. You Counselor is. The only way you would be an idiot is if you continue to pay your hard earned money for their 'advice'.

Doing nothing is not a strategy. It's not a plan. Things have settled down because your wife is back in her affair. She is back in her 'affair fog' believing that the false relationship with her old HS friend can compare to the everyday reality of a real relationship with her husband and father of her three young children.

Your first step is to put as much pressure as you can on the affair. Expose your wife's behaviour to all those people who have influence on her. Tell them the facts and that you need their help to save your marriage. Her parents may be allies in this. If your wife is religious, tell your pastor. Seek the help of people who will influence her positively.

What do you know about OM? Is he married? If so, find the Other Man's Wife (OMW) and tell her too. Turn up the heat on him at his end. Tell is parents.

Lastly, your wife needs to face reality - that she's breaking up her family for a fantasy. See a lawyer and begin the divorce process. She has not faced any consequences as yet. Sometimes being served with divorce papers helps to wake up a WW from her fog.

Read this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

What you're going through will pretty much follow a fairly predictable pattern. It's called the cheater script here. You see the same story repeated again and again.

Fire your counselor. Find a lawyer. Good luck!
 
#5 ·
she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more.

I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time.

At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little.
She told you she doesn't want to be married.

It seems to me that she wants to be married, but she also wants to continue her sexting relationship, which is exactly what she is doing. She seems happy enough to let the current situation go on at least a while longer. This only is a problem because you found out about it and tried to put a stop to it. She is trying to go back to the way it was before you found out, with her doing it secretly on the prepaid phone and you not knowing.

Can you imagine your marriage going on this way indefinitely?
 
#6 ·
Hi helpnadvice,

You need to be firm with her. You need to draw the line in the sand so to speak and make it clear you will not tolerate this disrespect. Tell her so.

Then start ignoring her (lookup instructions for the 180) and get a lawyer and file for divorce without telling her. Have her served the papers by surprise. You don't have to go through with divorce, you can always stop the process months later .. but do not tell her that. She needs to believe that you mean business! She needs to believe that you are willing to lose her. Only then will you find out if she is remorseful and willing to change her ways.
 
#7 ·
You need to find out about the other man. Who is he? Is he married? Contact his wife girlfriend and stop it from the other end. Find the burner phone and drown it, she will run out of phones before you run out of water. Turn off her texting and internet.

Have they ever met?
 
#9 ·
Since your loving wife is so accomplished at lying in order to conceal whatever this is she's been having with the guy, and you have pictures available to you that she sent to both of you, why don't you find a way to make a few of them public and when she confronts you about it, just lie like she would and insist that her secret "other" did it?
 
#11 ·
I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response.
As long as she continues with the above behavior, she is obviously actively having the affair. This makes R impossible. You may have to file for D to shock her out of it. Does not mean you have to go through with it, but served with D papers will wake her a$$ up into reality.
 
#15 ·
Start doing the 180 immediately, and file for divorce.

You don't have to divorce her, but you do have to show her where this is headed. Do not stop the D until you get remorse, AND complete transparency. If you are giving her any money stop. Any bills you are paying that are for her, such as her cell phone, stop. Move into another bedroom. Place VARs around the house and her car.Carry a VAR in your pocket at all times. Do not discuss anything personal with her. You need to as much as possible show her life without you. You must stay in the home so you don't lose access to your kids, but you must put as much distance as you can between you while staying in your home.
 
#16 ·
Throw her out to him and soon she won't want him either. Kick her out and buy her plane ticket or fill her car up so she can drive to him. I guarantee this would bring results fast. She will be begging to return within a month.

And if not, this was an exit affair and she didn't want to be with you regardless. If that is the case it is better to know know.

Pleaded don't think this is flippant advice. It is deadly serious. And it will work. And it will ensure that if and when she comes back to reality, she won't fu*k you about again. If you are soft on her at this stage she will know she can do what she likes and you will always be there. It will only be a matter of time before she messes around again.
 
#17 ·
I asked her today and yesterday if she wanted to have sex and she said yes. It was really good both times and I have told her it is just sex. Is that goodand should I continue doing this? It seems like her sex drive is through the roof in the last couple months. I found all her masterbating toys and we have talked about that. What do you guys think?
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#28 ·
I'd be using protection and getting an STD check. If you do the 180, it isn't going to work well if you keep having sex.

Read enough threads and you'll see low drive women screwing their husband and affair partner multiple times in the same week. Heck many of the men talk about sex frequency going up from 1-2 a week or month to nearly double or triple in a week
 
#18 ·
Fantasy is what feeds affairs. You have to introduce reality into the situation to starve the affair before it's too late. If you don't the fantasy will be able to live off it's own fat and will continue no matter what you do.

When someone starts cheating they do two things.
1. They begin building new connections with their AP.
2. They begin destroying their connections with their spouse.

If you do not introduce reality into the situation in time they will fully disconnect from you and fully connect with their AP. If you want her to go then do nothing. If you want to save the M, then you must bring reality to the situation by showing her life without you.
 
#20 ·
Dear helpandadvice,

Sorry you find yourself here.

Your WW is in a full-blown affair with the OM. If it hasn't gone physical yet, you can bet that it eventually will.

The advice you have gotten is 100% correct. Do not ignore it. What is happening to you has happened to countless other guys (and gals) on TAM/CWI and the outcome is almost always the same. The BHs who take strong action immediately (which usually rmeans filing for divorce) have the best chance of saving their marriages or moving on with the least amount of pain if, as is often the case, it proves to be a lost cause. The ones who wait around hoping she will end it, or try to "nice" her back, suffer the most and, eventually, end up divorcing anyway (unless, like a few, they can't summon up the courage and instead resign themselves to living the life of a cuckold).

Do yourself and your family a favor. File for divorce. Nothing less is going to snap her out of this. If she becomes remorseful and begs for a second chance, maybe you can work things out. If she doesn't, you will have learned that it was already over and you will be that much closer to your new and better life without her.

Good luck.
 
#21 ·
First: forget the marriage counseling. It's a 'no-go' until she recommits to be your wife.

second: Find a good counselor for yourself. You need to take a good look at yourself - raise your self esteem and confidence.

Third: Do the 180 - talk only about the kids' welfare with her.

Fourth: take control of the family finances - give her a pre-paid grocery store card. No extra spending money, etc. (does she work?) Drop the internet service and her phone service.

Fifth: Start looking out for yourself; get a gym membership - get new male friends; a new hobby etc -

Sixth: See a lawyer immediately; let him know what's going on and get as much information as you can about what a divorce would entail. Don't worry about her ability to survive on her own. You need to think (1st) of your kids welfare and well-being (2nd) of your health and well being.

Lastly tell her all of the above: she doesn't want you? fine. Believe me, you'll survive. Get your ducks in a row. You only have one life and you don't have to be a martyr.
 
#22 ·
I know it's counter intuitive, but the only way to save your marriage is to tell her it's over, and she ended it.

I dumped my wife on D-day. I did not offer her reconciliation. I told her she chose another man so our M was over. I told her I was done and had no reason to ever want to be with a woman that had chosen another man when I should have been her only choice. At first she tried to blame me, but I simply said that for problems in the marriage I could split the blame with her, but the A was her choice alone, so she ended the M on her own.

That action on my part is what saved my marriage. When she saw that it was over, and that I was not offering to take her back she dropped the OM and did everything she could to get me back. After a month of begging I agreed to try for R.

Since then she has been the best wife she ever was. Yes the pain of her A is still with me, but I also have the best wife I ever had now. She also has a clear understanding that any slip on her part, no matter how small will result in instant divorce with no second chances. If I have any reason to suspect she's cheating again. I won't check. I'll just file and let her figure out what to do.
 
#27 ·
I hear whaI need to stop having sex with her. It is only confusing things for me and is giving me a false sense of hope right now.
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Thats why she's doing it. She can't have you standing up for yourself and making her choose: him or you (w/ consequences). So she get OM to get her worked up and has you finish the job. I'm willing to bet it is not you in her head while you were doing it.
 
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