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OW Broke NC and My Husband Called Back

44K views 316 replies 65 participants last post by  SolidSnake 
#1 ·
The title says it all. I have a recorder on his cell phone and can get copies off all incoming, outgoing, and vm calls. After all of this time, she decided to "touch base" with my husband and give him a call. She left him a vm and he called back. They talked for almost 2 hours.

There were good things and bad things. The good things were they haven't been in secret contact. He told her they couldn't be friends (she didn't ask, he offered that up) because he had to respect me. He did NOT want to talk about their relationship and wanted to leave whatever they had to say to each other in the past. He was somewhat cold and distant towards her, almost sounding like a robot. He actually said if he thought she wanted some deep profound discussion that he would not have called her back because he doesn't "have it" to give emotionally.

The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!

My thought is if he was "over" her, he could have talked about any and everything she wanted to talk about and it would have been no sweat off his back. I know he shouldn't have spoken with her at all. We have a really good chance here. This is the first time in our marriage that I feel he was/is doing the work. And he told her he was doing everything he could be to a better man and live his life right. He said to her he only thinks about the future and blocks out things (almost like he was going to block out their conversation). They hung up telling each other good things and he could call her anytime. He returned the gesture but I don't think they plan on calling each other again.

I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back. :mad::mad::mad:

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
 
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#3 · (Edited)
Asia,

I assume that you had a NO contact agreement from him; and he was aware that you would not accept ANY further contact. Yes?

So now you are in that catch 22 that BS's often find themselves in. What consequence other than D, would be severe enough? I don't see any.

I'll simply tell you what I would do if my wife did this. It wouldn't matter what the substance of their conversation was.I would divorce her and not look back.
 
#4 ·
Thanks for the replies. He doesn't know I know. I don't want him to know about taping his calls and that's the only way I could bring it up.

I am interested in the content of their conversation and what that means for me. Granted he hasn't been in touch with her so that's a huge plus. It sounded like they were not going to be in touch again but the things they talked about are killing me.
 
#10 ·
Thanks for the replies. He doesn't know I know. I don't want him to know about taping his calls and that's the only way I could bring it up.

I am interested in the content of their conversation and what that means for me. Granted he hasn't been in touch with her so that's a huge plus. It sounded like they were not going to be in touch again but the things they talked about are killing me.
If you think that it's more important that he not find out how you know, than to take action for what he did; then you've already made your decision.

Me? I wouldn't give a rat's arse if my spouse knew I was bugging her or not. If her prior infidelity wasn't reason enough; confirming the contact would be.
 
#5 ·
Can you pin it on cell phone records ? Meaning you found out that way about the call ?

I get what you're saying.. It wasn't like he said his marriage was a mistake and wishes he was with her. Its was sort of comforting and today I can understand how he feels. Trust me 6 or 7 months ago I couldn't.

I would not give up the bugging even if it meant never bringing this up because of what it offers you.

I have issues with the BS on therapy and I have issues with the Meds.. I cried myself to sleep and I woke up crying some days.. Suck it up.. Especially since he is the one that fvcked this all up..
 
#8 ·
I thought about doing that HTH but I know if I bring that up, the contents of the conversation would come pouring out of my mouth. How could he NOT regret being with her when it has almost destroyed us? How could he admit to her he has to take meds to get himself right after their relationship ended? How can he still feel she is a great person and was SOOOOO good to him during their relationship? How can he be so emotionally guarded about them that he can't bring himself to talk about it? Was it that darn meaningful??? "Oh yeah, I asked my wife for divorce and was planning to marry you". Somebody cut my throat........
 
#6 ·
If he really wanted to respect you, he might have learned that hiding stuff from you isn't always the best option.. and honesty works better there. He might also have learned that putting her before you, isn't a good idea.. and by having a conversation with her that you don't know about, he's doing that again. This makes me think that the whole sob story of not being able to be friends might have been him using your R as a way to make her jealous? If he really didn't want to be able to be friends, I don't think the call would have been two hours long.. it would have been "don't call me again please".

He was eating up her 'needing' him, feeding his ego, and not recognizing again, boundaries... and what 'respect' really is.

I don't know what you want to do, but I could see where this would push you to the edge. Basically more deception and stuff he's keeping from you.... ugh.... :mad:

What the hell did he cover in his counseling? Did the therapist miss the week on honesty?
 
#22 ·
He was eating up her 'needing' him, feeding his ego, and not recognizing again, boundaries... and what 'respect' really is.
Oh that woman played it real cool. Didn't let on she wanted anything other than to catch up and see how he was doing. Said she had been thinking of him lately and really had nothing to call or really say. If I didn't know any better I would have believed she didn't want anything. Ha!

I don't know what you want to do, but I could see where this would push you to the edge. Basically more deception and stuff he's keeping from you.... ugh.... :mad:

What the hell did he cover in his counseling? Did the therapist miss the week on honesty?
Crazy funny!!!!!

His counseling was IC.
 
#7 ·
What it means to me is that he probably had very deep feelings for her and still could but decided to rebuild his marriage with you. She obviously still cares about him. He absolutely should not have contacted her. And you don't feel you can tell him you know -- under the circumstances. So wait and see if it happens again. If it does then you have a serious problem.
 
#9 ·
It sounds like your husband was honest and I think that is a good thing.

Things he said might hurt you, but affairs hurt. It seems like he is trying, and we are all human. I don't know if I could resist the temptation to call my AP back. (I was never an AP) but just saying.....

I would just keep monitoring at his point. I would not base my desicions on the above call. Much better than you could have heard IMO.
 
#15 ·
If I overhead my husband telling his AP that he DOESN'T regret

her and he never cheated on her...:gun::FIREdevil::pissed::wtf::banghead::tool::moon:
There isn't anything on the planet that could keep me from going off on him and then her for calling him.
 
#16 ·
Don't you guys do regular marriage work? Or MC? Can't you bring it up by asking him if there's anything he wants to tell you? Why do you have to tell him his phone's bugged? Just tell him you know, period. You don't have to tell how you know.

If my husband did that and didn't volunteer it, I'd ask him if he had anything to tell me and tell him he had one chance to do so. If he didn't tell me, divorce would be the next thing I'd be doing. If he did tell me, I would CONSIDER staying with him, but it would mean months of recovery, lots more MC and other work he'd have to do, and I still might decide in a few months things were over.

You can't keep this a secret. You need to address it.
 
#17 ·
He's lying about no contact. And you think you should lie about knowing about the call. This deception will get you nowhere.
Tell him you know about the contact, don't tell him how because honestly that doesn't matter. Don't mention what was said. He called her and didn't tell you and that violated the terms of the R. Fess up that you don't trust him and are thinking about going forward with D.
IMO, he needs to know that his deceit hurts, and covering up doesn't mean it didn't happen. Maybe it is a slip and he opens up to you and honestly tries to R in a meaningful way. But if he becomes angry and resentful, then your R is jeopardy.
 
#18 ·
I think if you're going to reconcile, one thing you'll want going forward is no sneaking.. no lying, no deception.. no two hour contact with the AP, and not telling you.

He may have cared for her deeply at one time, but if he's in true R, he should be repulsed by his actions with her. She should now represent the person that helped him to almost destroy his life, not some wonderful ex girlfriend. She should be a person he would want to run from if he saw her in public, not someone he would stop and have a two hour conversation with. Who knows, that might lead to meeting for coffee... so they can talk some more, about how they need to end the friendship.

Basically, in my case, and more than likely in this case.. the question was asked 'what would you do if the other person contacts you', and the answer was 'i'll let you know right away'. Did that happen? In this case no...
 
#19 ·
I am almost falling apart over hearing how she met all his needs and was good for him. YOU HAVE A WIFE THAT HAS BEEN GOOD TO YOU FOR YEARS!!!!!! And he kept saying over and over again he doesn't regret or have remorse over her and their relationship.

Openminded, thank you. Your words have compassion that makes me calm down slightly but I am feeling like the emotion icons in Lisa's comment.....lol.

He did tell her he was happy when she asked. She also asked if he thought our marriage was going to work. He shuttered (caught off guard) and said he did not go in to it thinking it wouldn't. Not a hard emphatic YES. Even with him being cold, she probably thinks she has a chance if she wanted him back. I honestly think he is doing everything he can to focus on our family.

He does have some things she got him that they spoke of and he laughingly said he still likes them.

If he was 100% committed to our marriage, he would have not called back. If he was 80% committed he would have told me. If he was 70% committed he would have not said half of the things he did to her. I would rather he kept all of that "OW gushing" to himself and not given her any satisfaction that she affected him at all. So does that mean he is only somewhat committed? He told her our marriage was bleak at first but getting better. The few things I mentioned here were the only times he mentioned the marriage.....never once said he loved me. I guess that is implied since he is here but it would have been great to hear him tell her that. Instead, after everything I am going through.....he doesn't regret ever having an intimate relationship. Sorry I am repeating myself. I am just all in my emotions and none one to tell this to.
 
#20 ·
Asia, there are ALOT of things that can send a BS over the edge...and your husband has done every single one of them. It is going to take a lot for me to walk away for good from my cheating no good asshat fiancé...but if I overheard a phone call like you did...I think that is all I would need. I will never let myself be a consolation prize. Don't let your husband do that to you.
 
#21 ·
I am in a similar situation. I found out with VAR that my WH had contact. It was 15 minutes in a coffee shop parking lot so he could pick up something from her for his friend. I am not okay with it AT ALL, but still undecided about how to confront without revealing. I know my WH, and the way he is he would say things to make her feel better thinking he's doing a good thing. Is it possible your WH said he didn't regret her, etc. because he feels badly about how he treated her as well? Not saying she deserves it, or he should be doing it, just putting it out there. He made the choice to R with you and told her that. Even though the part of me that is still very bitter hates to admit it, WSs are human and humans are flawed and make stupid mistakes like breaking NC thinking they have good intentions. I would say don't reveal and keep monitoring for sure. So sorry for the pain you have to endure from monitoring. I know it all too well.
 
#27 ·
I thank you for that! It would make me feel a ton better if I thought that were true. But my husband asked to divorce me to be with her. So he was serious about her. Went as far as to tell her no one would ever disrespect her because he made sure all of their mutual friends knew it was his fault.....she is a perfect person who craps rainbows in his eyes. Lol.

From the conversation, she already knew we were together from FB. He blocked her online not because of the marriage but because it was hurting him and hindering him from moving on to not block her profile. This was only five months ago. He didn't admit that part but I was able to piece it together with other things and after listening to that conversation, know that was the real reason.

Being with me is the right thing to do. We both want to honor God with our marriage but this hurts. He didn't mention God one time in that phone call.

Lisa is right, I don't want to be a consolation prize in my own marriage. Not sure if I am since he did decide to come back home and make things work. But what is really in his heart if she was so important to him? On the flip side, we have been having the best few months lately........:rolleyes:
 
#23 ·
I'd advise that he must get rid of each and everything she got him, every last thing.

Further I'd like to suggest that he needs to change cell numbers, with you adding his old number onto your phone or a phone you control so you are the one who gets the call the next time from the OW because there will be more. She was fishing for contact and she got it for 2 hrs.
 
#28 ·
The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!
I thought about doing that HTH but I know if I bring that up, the contents of the conversation would come pouring out of my mouth. How could he NOT regret being with her when it has almost destroyed us? How could he admit to her he has to take meds to get himself right after their relationship ended? How can he still feel she is a great person and was SOOOOO good to him during their relationship? How can he be so emotionally guarded about them that he can't bring himself to talk about it? Was it that darn meaningful??? "Oh yeah, I asked my wife for divorce and was planning to marry you". Somebody cut my throat........
Instead, after everything I am going through.....he doesn't regret ever having an intimate relationship. Sorry I am repeating myself. I am just all in my emotions and none one to tell this to.

You now know for sure that the memory of his affair is engraved into his head and viewed with fondness, not hatred.

Can you live with that? Can you accept when things in your marriage goes bad, he's capable of abandoning you (his cheating) or has another avenue now to escape (his memory of the affair)?
 
#30 ·
This is quite bad. Two hours? That was just the start of their rekindling things, I would bet.

You sound so hurt, which is completely understandable, but you also sound defensive, which is not understandable. He is the one in the wrong. And who cares how you found out. The only really important thing is that you know the truth.

I would kick him out after hearing all of this. How many chances does he get to crush your heart?
 
#32 ·
If you've been having a great month.. or things are going good, how about giving him a chance, throw him a bone.. say 'you've been acting funny lately.. you haven't bumped into the AP by chance, or anything like that?'.. If he says no, might try 'so still no contact since DDay?'... and when he says 'why do you ask'? just a simple... Just your demeanor change...

Once you get the conversation going, you might ask again if he regrets her.. etc.. see what answers he gives. Then ask if he would tell her that he has no regrets if he did get to talk to her... Keep pushing it, make him wonder if you know about the conversation without actually coming out with it. See what kind of bull he slings your way.
 
#34 ·
Russell that is great. If I ask him that and he says he would tell her he regrets it, then I know he's lying and his feelings are real for her. Because he would have no need to spare her feelings, unless he thought he was being mean and remember.....she was SOOOOO good to him and met all his needs.

I am just scared that we have come all of this way and if they really are serious about no more communication, then I would have messed up the good work we've been doing. I honestly and as objectively as I can be think they have no intention of calling each other. They said the would probably see each other in passing but he wouldn't act like he doesn't know her or anything. There is only a 10% chance of that every happening. If it wasn't adultery, it would have been two ex's catching up and ending the conversation politely. But it is adultery that has torn us apart so I am not too happy about their talking at all!
 
#33 ·
I believe in laying down consequences when lines are drawn and ultimatums are given. Honestly, to me anyway, the content of their conversation doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that you guys apparently had a NC agreement that your husband broke and had a 2 hour phone conversation with the OW.

And based on the content of what you claim you heard it really sounds like he's going through the motions of a reconciliation moreso than genuinely wanting to reconcile. Especially since it sounds like he has no remorse for what he feels he and the OW had regardless of how shady it was. You sound much more invested in reconciling than he does.

You can choose to confront him, lay down consequences, or just try to ignore it and pretend everything is okay and hope for the best. But one thing I've learned here is when people don't face consequences for the actions they take, especially when they explicitly take actions they know they shouldn't, they just feel more emboldened/entitled to get away with even more.
 
#37 ·
I believe in laying down consequences when lines are drawn and ultimatums are given. Honestly, to me anyway, the content of their conversation doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that you guys apparently had a NC agreement that your husband broke and had a 2 hour phone conversation with the OW.

And based on the content of what you claim you heard it really sounds like he's going through the motions of a reconciliation moreso than genuinely wanting to reconcile. Especially since it sounds like he has no remorse for what he feels he and the OW had regardless of how shady it was. You sound much more invested in reconciling than he does.

You can choose to confront him, lay down consequences, or just try to ignore it and pretend everything is okay and hope for the best. But one thing I've learned here is when people don't face consequences for the actions they take, especially when they explicitly take actions they know they shouldn't, they just feel more emboldened/entitled to get away with even more.
I agree Jasel; but what consequences? That's the thing about lines in the sand. Once you erase it and move it back, you've demonstrated that you didn't really mean what you said.

Perhaps separating, doing the 180, and stopping just short of D might get his attention - but still, it's just drawing a new line.
 
#41 ·
He's not over her. He's trying to get there. All of us who have been betrayed want to believe that a switch gets thrown when a spouse decides to reconcile and they immediately forget their affair partner. That's not true for all. And I definitely don't think it's true here.

He should have never have called her. But I do think he's trying to reconcile. And needs to work harder.
 
#44 ·
Openminded, its been over a year now. Exactly when does he get over it?????? He is trying. I'm scared that he honestly and truly may be settling for our marriage instead of wanting it like I do. He does all the things I ask and he is more attentive and present and I was getting more secure. Now I am scared to have him out of my sight because of this call.
 
#46 ·
You don't have to reveal how you know. You can just say a little birdy told me you talked to OW. Watch carefully how he reacts, it will speak volumes for his intentions. If he focuses on how you know or denies it, end the conversation. Go to bed or kick him out. You don't have to explain yourself. If on the other hand he admits it and is remoresful, then let him know that calling her back was a violation of NC. The proper course of action would have been for him to tell you that she called, and let you listen to her voicemail.

Either way, you need to decide do you keep giving him chances. What is the consequence for breaking NC?

Regarding the content, that's almost a moot point. It's an opening. Even if they don't act on it for months or years, he left the door open to her, telling her how special it was. The only 'good' respsonse would have been for him to tell you that she left a VM and work with you to decide to ignore her or respond, and if to respond, how to respond.
 
#49 ·
Its the content that is killing me the most Acoa! I can "somewhat" understand the curiosity since they really had no contact but I wish he would have not called back.

What he said about not regretting their relationship and taking meds and was in therapy for his depression pretty much tell Ms Wonderful that she is the reason he is a mess, not because he screwed our marriage up. Even though he was cold and distant, almost mean to her, he still expressed his admiration for her and wanted all good things for her life. There maybe a ton of guilt he has for what he's done to me, that much I am sure of. But it's been too long for him to not be over her. We are happy now, why did he have to take the call??? Just venting....... How can he be so emotionally guarded that he refused to discuss their past in any real capacity? It should be nothing to him. She should be nothing to him. But that homewrecker mattered enough for him to reassure her of his commitment back then. He picked his real, non fantasy family but this fantasy seems to be never ending!!!
 
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