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OW Broke NC and My Husband Called Back

44K views 316 replies 65 participants last post by  SolidSnake 
#1 ·
The title says it all. I have a recorder on his cell phone and can get copies off all incoming, outgoing, and vm calls. After all of this time, she decided to "touch base" with my husband and give him a call. She left him a vm and he called back. They talked for almost 2 hours.

There were good things and bad things. The good things were they haven't been in secret contact. He told her they couldn't be friends (she didn't ask, he offered that up) because he had to respect me. He did NOT want to talk about their relationship and wanted to leave whatever they had to say to each other in the past. He was somewhat cold and distant towards her, almost sounding like a robot. He actually said if he thought she wanted some deep profound discussion that he would not have called her back because he doesn't "have it" to give emotionally.

The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!

My thought is if he was "over" her, he could have talked about any and everything she wanted to talk about and it would have been no sweat off his back. I know he shouldn't have spoken with her at all. We have a really good chance here. This is the first time in our marriage that I feel he was/is doing the work. And he told her he was doing everything he could be to a better man and live his life right. He said to her he only thinks about the future and blocks out things (almost like he was going to block out their conversation). They hung up telling each other good things and he could call her anytime. He returned the gesture but I don't think they plan on calling each other again.

I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back. :mad::mad::mad:

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
 
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#52 ·
I went back and re-read your first post....I dont see anything that mentioned him telling her NOT to contact ever again, during that two hour call. Is that correct? If so, then that alone speaks VOLUMES.

You know, in all the back and forth that me and my exH have had since his ridiculous remarriage to his first wife, he never ONCE told me to never contact him again. (you'd have to read my threads to understand how many times we "got back together") You know what that says to me? That says to me that he wants to leave his options open should he ever decide to have an affair again.
 
#55 ·
You know, you are exactly right. He never said flat out do NOT contact me again. He sort of implied that by saying they couldn't be buddies out of respect for his wife. They ended the conversation with her saying call anytime and him saying likewise but I think it was more of a nice gesture than he will actually be taking her phone calls. He didn't slam the door shut. :(:(
 
#53 ·
It's been said, time to take him to the cleaners!!!! He's still taking her over you. I'm going to be pretty blunt here so don't take offense to it.

IMO, he's staying because it's cheaper to keep you as a wife than divorcing you.

The conversation should have lasted 10-15 seconds.

H - Don't call me again, I'm married. Click.

Not, you're so great, I would have divorced her on your b-day (just WOW, my wife would have kicked me in the gonads for that remark!!!)...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you're Asian. Being Asian myself I know the "stick with your man no matter what and protect your family..."
BTW, why do you think my wife stayed with me after what I did to her.


It's from an outdated time, you stick with your man/family if he values you and his family above all everything else.
 
#58 ·
Asia...you know you don't have to tell him anything about bugging the phone. All I ever said to hubby was ... "Do you have somethig you need to tell me about?" I would say it in a firm voice and then say "If you have done something it is always better to tell me than for me to find out on my own." Worked every time for me.
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#64 ·
Asia...you know you don't have to tell him anything about bugging the phone. All I ever said to hubby was ... "Do you have somethig you need to tell me about?" I would say it in a firm voice and then say "If you have done something it is always better to tell me than for me to find out on my own." Worked every time for me.
I'd try that suggestion first.

Your H could swing either way- he may find the strength to resist, it sounds like he's trying, or more likely the POSOW fanned the dying embers and they'll start up again. Clearly she isn't done yet.

Sorry you're going through this. Second time arounds suck.
 
#59 ·
I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
The truth is your WH is still invested in the AP. This is what needs to change if you decide to continue with R. You can't want your WH to merely comport his behavior and indulge your every whim out of a sense of guilt or shame. You want him to love you for the amazing person you are, in awe of your strengths and supportive where you need nurturing. This comes with time and attention as you work to reconnect.

You need to sit down to reiterate boundaries, needs and expectations, both yours and his. Your WH may need a little IC to cut the cord with the AP. To initiate this conversation, all you need to say is that you are feeling uncertain and you need some emotional support. (Let's talk after we put D to bed) Kindest Regards-
 
#60 · (Edited)
Her call was a fishing expidition. She wanted to see if he was open to restarting the affair. He seems to have a strong emotional attachment. If you read about the types of affairs, this is the type that is very difficult to give up. NC is absolutely necessary.

Since he took her call, the possibility of further contact is highly likely. If they continue contact, the affair if likely to start again. Are you willing to stay married if he maintains contact and the affair starts again? if so you can do what you are doing now. You are rationalizing and ignoring what is obvoiusly a severe threat to your marriage.

The fact that they invited each other to stay in contact virtually guarantees that they will contact each other. You seem to want to stay married to him under any circumstances. The best thing you can do is to give him an ultimatum. Stop contact or get D.

You dont seem to be able to do that because you want the marriage under any circumstances. In that case be ready to have a painful existence. You will have to tolerate a 3rd person in the marriage and the possibility that he will D you when it is convenient for him. I am not sure why he wants to stay in the marriage.

Do you really know why? Is it because he loves you more than OW? For the kids, finances? If he can get away with having both of you, the woman he cannot leave for practical reasons and a woman he loves. It is up to you what you want. I know that I am being blunt and I may be wrong. I hope so however, based on what I have read here it is likely that they will not be able to resist each other.
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#62 ·
Dear asia,

I understand how confused you could be about this (the "good things" and the "bad things") but I really think that you are over-analyzing it. Let's consider the "bad" first:

- He promised NC and he broke that promise;

- He promised to be honest with you and he hasn't been honest (honesty isn't just about not telling lies, it's also about telling the truth, especially when the truth hurts;

- He talked to her for two hours;

- He said things to her that a married person should only share with his or her spouse;

- He spoke warmly about their illicit relationship; and

- He didn't close the door to further contact with his AP, in fact he invited it.

Now let's consider the "good":

- There is nothing good about the fact that he called her back, what he said to her, how he said it or that he hasn't confessed it to you.

So here's the score: bad 6, good 0.

Now let's consider your possible responses to what has happened:

1) You can do nothing and hope that he doesn't speak to her again;

2) You can raise it with him, tell him how hurt and angry you are and ask him not to do it again;

3) You can raise it with him, tell him how hurt and angry you are that he broke his NC promise and tell him that if he ever speaks to her again you will divorce him;

4) You can raise it with him and tell him that, because he has broken his NC promise, you intend to file for divorce; or

5) You can simply file for divorce and, when he is served the divorce papers and asks you why you did it, tell him that it is because he broke his NC promise.

So, which should you do?

Response 1 is based entirely on the hope that a cheater who broke his NC promise will, someday, start to do right by you and your marriage. This doesn't seem likely to work.

Response 2 may seem to be a little better but, given that you have already given him a second chance, your failure to give him any consequences for breaking his NC promise is more likely to cause him to think that he can get away with even more.

Response 3 seems better still but isn't it really just repeating what you've already told him (NC with his AP)? If so, then what he will hear is that, when you say "don't do that or there will be consequences," you really mean "don't do that or there will be no consequences." Thus, response 3 is hardly better than 1 or 2.

Response 4 sounds really tough: "I plan to divorce you for breaking your NC promise." But, if you really do intend to divorce him, what is the point of telling him first? He will interpret it as you giving him an opportunity to make up an excuse or promise, yet again, not to do things a husband shouldn't do. So, basically, you will be back to square one in your R with your WH.

Response 5, as you can see, is really the only one that sends the right message to your WH: "I've had it with your cheating, sneaking and lying." It let's him know that you are not a paper tiger but rather a woman with standards that he must live up to if he wants to be your H. Based on what I've read about him and your relationship in your previous threads, my guess is that, when he receives the divorce papers, he will likely come crawling to you on his knees begging for one last chance -- which is exactly the position he should be in.

Frankly, I don't expect you to choose response 5. Most BSs don't because they are afraid that it will "backfire," i.e., that the WS will say not ask for another chance. What they fail to realize is that, if this happens, it means that the R was false and that the WS was not really committed to the marriage.

I wish you the best whatever you decide to do.


P.S.: After writing but before posting this, I thought of another response: kick him out of the house for a while. That will send him a strong message and give him some real consequences.
 
#66 ·
This is an outstanding post. The bottom line is set here, that he needs to feel a few things. He needs to appreciate what he's about to lose. Not just the material things, but to actually think about a life without his wife, and perhaps even with this OW.. It might not look so inviting as it did while in the affair, all of the sudden it's less appealing because there's no sneaking involved, and the world would know about this OW, big light shines on the affair and it's no longer in the dark or kept secret. Meanwhile his wife is strong, and she's no longer available, so who becomes more appealing to the H? The wife.. The OW becomes needy and the wife becomes desirable again.

He needs to feel some shame, some regret and some pain..

Not for revenge, but to understand the difference between a committed relationship, and an affair. To understand what boundaries are, and how crossing them can lead to the demise of your marriage. To understand that you can't just abuse people that love you, to satisfy your selfish desires. To understand that NC, means NC.
 
#63 ·
he spoke for 2 hours .

he told her she could call anytime . your interpretation of it really doesn't matter. you keep trying to cushion the blow instead of accepting what he really did .

he called her .

he spoke with her for 2 hours

he let her know that his feelings for her were deep and that perhaps she's not even over her yet .

he hasn't told you about the conversation .

it is unlikely he will .

look darling I think you have to accept that your reconciliation has been one sided . he's there in body but not in spirit .

I think you should kick him out .

he said all the things that he wouldn't do out of respect for you except for the most important one which is to not talk to her .

look at his actions not his words .
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#68 ·
Asia- What about calling the OW, tell her you saw cell records with the 2 hour call. That you're in recovery, (he tells you often what a mistake it was, insert some choice bad stuff about her, true or not) and see if she contacts him. Monitor everything you can, VARs, home phone line recorders (available at RadioShack and gets both sides of convo). Push the envelope a little.
 
#70 ·
You guys have said some very clear things I could do to nip this in the bud. I am so tired of trying to make this work and he goes and ruins all of our work.

I spoke with one of the very few people in my RL that knows of his behavior and they said he is really trying to be a good husband and probably was curious about what she wanted. That it didn't mean the end of our marriage. They understood why I am upset over some of the things he said and thinks he should go back to counseling like someone on here suggested.

Do the WS every think of the affair in a bad light? Wouldn't that be almost impossible to admit? I am trying to think of other reasons besides the obvious he said those things to her. I mean did he really have to tell her about his meds? I was so glad he was mean and cold towards her on the phone and shut down her attempts at talking about their relationship but then it dawned on me that he would have talked if he was indifferent. I thought he was being strong for our family (or at least trying to). But after reading all of your honest feedback, I know I have valid reason to worry. Someone said they may not be in contact right away, even years they may reconnect.

But the statement that said when things go wrong or we argue, he could go back in his mind and relive his affair with her to get away from our stress. How can I stop that?? What can I do to make him at least be indifferent towards her and not him thinking she was a decent person who will make so poor bum a great wife?
 
#73 ·
I spoke with one of the very few people in my RL that knows of his behavior and they said he is really trying to be a good husband and probably was curious about what she wanted. That it didn't mean the end of our marriage. They understood why I am upset over some of the things he said and thinks he should go back to counseling like someone on here suggested.
I agree that he was probably curious as to what she wanted, but you know what? That phone call would have lasted less than a minute, and would have ended with a firm statement from him for her to never call again.
 
#71 ·
Honey, you can't stop what happens in his mind. Only he can do that.
 
#72 ·
I am a man who had a W that had a REALLY hard time letting her OM go. Like, really hard.

If I were in your shoes, I would let this simmer for a few days. Then, maybe a week from now, just flat out ask him if she tried to reach out to him at all. Ask flippantly, like, "Hey, has XX ever once tried to talk to you after all this smoke cleared? I was just thinking about this and wondered if she ever tried at any point."

This gets right to the issue and tests him, but doesn't come off as you discovering anything. See what he says.

My guess is if your tone is safe enough, he'll admit she called, but downplay the length and content of it. He'll likely say it was nothing, and that he was cold and distant and didn't want to alarm you by telling you about it.

Then, you go back to monitoring things like crazy. And if it ever happens again, you do #5 from that post a few posts back.
 
#76 ·
The post said some extremely moving things that I am scared to consider honestly. It was an excellent post and totally the right way to look at it. I can't dispute one word. I just don't want to lose my husband and I am scared if I do those things, we won't be able to repair.

My marriage is most certainly on the upswing, even with this phone call. He was cold to her, not warm and loving. So there's that. He told her he couldn't be her friend out of respect for me and our marriage. I need to believe he means it and the way he acts now, I think he does.

Im hurt that he said all of those things that I can't unhear....:confused:
 
#77 ·
I ask my wife if she has had any contact whatsoever with the XOM, from time to time. I can't bear any lies, and so far she has told me the truth by what I have been able to track and it has been NC.

I would just ask him.
 
#78 ·
If I were in your shoes I'd set up a nice dinner date at a fancy restaurant and play back their whole conversation to him and then slap divorce papers in front of him. This isn't reconcilliation, you are his plan b and have been from d day.
 
#83 ·
CantePe, what in your opinion makes me Plan B? Someone else posted that same thing and I meant to respond then. No defensiveness here, I am really trying to see how you could spot that so easily. For a while I knew he was here for our family but things got better and he engaged a lot more. Thanks and I will await your response. By the way, I like your idea. It makes me feel empowered. :)
 
#85 · (Edited)
<<I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back.

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!>>

I would not worry about HOW you found out, I would just tell him you know he talked to her and what was said. If he was serious about R he would NOT have called back and he certainly wouldn't have talked to her for 2 hours telling her how great their A was!!!

I don't see how your R is "going nicely" if he would have contact with her and not tell you. That is not R that is false R and it would seem he could be waiting for the right time to rekindle what they had, or at least use it as a backup plan- he left that door open for her when he told her how wonderful she was and how he didn't regret ANY of it.

And you have waited weeks???

I'm sorry, as this is my biggest fear, false R after 3 strikes already on my WH, I would not be waiting to deal with this. I wish you luck, whether your R is doomed depends solely on him , and how he reacts right now.
 
#87 ·
<<He is a nice guy and protective of others feelings. I think his focus should have been on how I would feel if he was talking to her. Any focus on that part of his life should be null and void. I hope that's all he was doing was making her feel better but for what? But him telling her about his meds and therapy? She had no reason to learn of that.>>

And this also makes me angry for your sake. He cares more about hurting her feelings than securing his R with YOU! This made me mad in my WHs EA when he tried to protect her, defend her, take all the blame for everything trying to tell me she was innocent, her pursued her, her H KNEW already so I didn't need to contact him etc. she was a nice person! BS! Get mad- and do something about this, or you will be spinning for many more weeks wondering...
 
#89 ·
<<My marriage is most certainly on the upswing, even with this phone call. He was cold to her, not warm and loving. So there's that. He told her he couldn't be her friend out of respect for me and our marriage. I need to believe he means it and the way he acts now, I think he does.

Im hurt that he said all of those things that I can't unhear....>>

No, it's NOT on the upswing- you are grasping at straws here- he did not TELL you which means he LIED to you by omission. He was 'cold' to her, yet spoke to her for two hours telling her he had no regrets. Can you hear yourself here? This in not an upswing- this is yet another betrayal. DO something!
 
#92 ·
You are NOT STUCK! And YES, this IS a leave-able offense! If you are not going to do anything to improve your situation, or preserve your self respect, then just sit and wallow in the existence that you have chosen. That's pretty much the choice here, because if you do nothing, then nothing will change, and he will believe forever that betraying you over and over is ok.
 
#100 ·
Sounds like he has been and still is in love with her. That alone, leaving aside the rest, would make me kick his arse to the curb without regrets. You sleep with a man who longs for another woman. That's terrible, I feel for you.
 
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