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OW Broke NC and My Husband Called Back

44K views 316 replies 65 participants last post by  SolidSnake 
#1 ·
The title says it all. I have a recorder on his cell phone and can get copies off all incoming, outgoing, and vm calls. After all of this time, she decided to "touch base" with my husband and give him a call. She left him a vm and he called back. They talked for almost 2 hours.

There were good things and bad things. The good things were they haven't been in secret contact. He told her they couldn't be friends (she didn't ask, he offered that up) because he had to respect me. He did NOT want to talk about their relationship and wanted to leave whatever they had to say to each other in the past. He was somewhat cold and distant towards her, almost sounding like a robot. He actually said if he thought she wanted some deep profound discussion that he would not have called her back because he doesn't "have it" to give emotionally.

The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!

My thought is if he was "over" her, he could have talked about any and everything she wanted to talk about and it would have been no sweat off his back. I know he shouldn't have spoken with her at all. We have a really good chance here. This is the first time in our marriage that I feel he was/is doing the work. And he told her he was doing everything he could be to a better man and live his life right. He said to her he only thinks about the future and blocks out things (almost like he was going to block out their conversation). They hung up telling each other good things and he could call her anytime. He returned the gesture but I don't think they plan on calling each other again.

I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back. :mad::mad::mad:

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
 
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#104 ·
I'm sorry I am just now replying. I can now only post when during the day.

I am going to talk with him about this call this weekend when we have time to discuss without interruption.

He is committed to the marriage and trying to make it work. I am positive about that part. His feelings are his feelings and as much as I want them to change, they are going to go away in its own time, much to my dismay. Just because he told her those things, doesn't mean he isn't committed to reconciliation. He just probably felt she needed to have that discussion but he in no uncertain terms let her know he was working to be a better person.

I know he would never tell me about this, most WS wouldn't out of self perservation etc. With my husband being a man who has always looked for other people to make him happy, he was just being polite when he said in response to her that she could call anytime. I do not think they will be in communication again. She probably feels like crap knowing he refused her attempts at questions and his coming back to his family.

He obviously still has work to do in regards to his "old" feelings for her. There have been no more calls between them since. He doesn't regret their affair. He just needs more time to bond with our family and soon enough he will.

I believe he loves me and he came back home to work things out. It has not been easy but they were getting better. He told his OW that he was happy too. He wouldn't tell her that if he wasn't happy at home with me.

Also, I went and listened to the conversation again. He was definitely not warm and fuzzy. He did go out of his way to let her know he holds her in high regard and puts all of the blame of the relationship on him. He almost sounded angry with her and when she offered to apologize he said no need. She responded, that it wasn't because she didn't do anything to him. So where was this underlying anger coming from. I could even tell it seemed like he was mad at her for something but maybe doesn't understand why. Really odd. Could it be he is mad at her for being his OW and trying to organize that in his head?

We are going to talk about this and I am going to tell him we need to work harder at building our relationship and he will never want to speak to her again.
 
#108 ·
We are going to talk about this and I am going to tell him we need to work harder at building our relationship and he will never want to speak to her again.
So what is your plan of action when he lies about how long the call was, and what was said?
 
#107 ·
And thanks to everyone who posted on this thread. I appreciate the words of action and encouragement. I know how this looks and due to his serial cheating, I'm not sure if I will ever trust him again. Out of all the years of our marriage, this has been the best in terms of devotion to the marriage (sans this call).

Granted, his denial of cheating on her all the while cheating on me is another kick in the pants but I guess that is part of the recovery process.
 
#113 ·
AP's often tell the other they will not cheat on them. There is no doubt he had and could still have deep feelings for her. However, he's trying to reconcile and except for the monumental screw up in calling her back he seems to be doing very well.

I am very cynical about R because my own R failed after 30 years. And I got out. But I feel hopeful for yours and that's something I virtually never say.
 
#110 ·
What would you tell your daughter in the event her husband was treating her the same yours is treating you?

Really think about this question with everything you have had to deal with.

B/c by staying in a marriage where you are constantly being disrespected in this way is only showing her it is ok and acceptable to be treated in such regard by your spouse.
 
#119 ·
<<I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!>>

<< I married for life and don't want another husband. I know its crazy and doubt it myself but having a two parent home is the best thing for my daughter and for us. This is the only man I have ever loved and want nothing more than for him to love me the same way.>>

The first quote is from your very first post. The second is from today. At first you asked for help and people have been trying to help, but, it doesn't seem like you really want help. What it sounds like is you want someone to tell you everything will be all right and he will love you as much as you love him.

Today you state you are not leaving the marriage and are not going anywhere. Well, in that case, here's the deal.: You cannot make him love you more than he does, you cannot make him be honest with you, by answering your questions truthfully or by telling you things that have happened that you don't know about (lying by omission), you cannot nice him into it, cajole him into it or threaten him into it because you hold no power and no cards.

He will continue to do what he wants to do as there are no consequences for his actions, ever. You can get all the MC and IC but it won't change if he won't. You don't trust him, you never will, you can rug-sweep and bury your head in the sand and maybe everything will be ok and maybe it won't , you will never know.

Why did you record his calls if you were not going to do anything with the info?

The only way he will change if you tell him this lying is a deal-breaker and mean it. If not than you can only hope for the best and there is nothing else anyone here can do for you.

I told my WH this was it, his last chance and I mean it and he knows it. I am not going anywhere if it happens again HE is, and he knows that too. I will not have a life with anyone who would do that to me again.
 
#122 ·
Why did you record his calls if you were not going to do anything with the info?
This was my thought as well! Why bother with the monitoring and babysitting when you are never planning to leave him? :scratchhead: Isnt ignorance bliss??
 
#126 ·
Positive: he did not run across town to meet her for coffee.

Negative: the call was too long.

They wanted closure, which could also have fanned life into the their affair.

Your husband still feels some emotional attachment to the OW. That will disappear with time and NC.

In a few weeks you might say something like, "I had a dream that she came up to you and wanted to talk and you looked at her a long time, I was so scared and then you walked away. It felt so real. I didn't know whether it was a dream or a nightmare."

Let him then interpret it.
 
#131 ·
You are counting on hope to make things different this time. Hope? What reason do you have to rely on hope? If you truly want things to be different, then YOU be different. You can act differently. You can demand respect. You can demonstrate that you will no longer be trifled with. Be different, show him some real, some harsh consequences. LET HIM READ A DIVORCE PETITION, one signed by you. Show him you are serious. Then, maybe, he will find some motivation to change.
 
#132 ·
<<You are counting on hope to make things different this time. Hope? What reason do you have to rely on hope? If you truly want things to be different, then YOU be different. You can act differently. You can demand respect. You can demonstrate that you will no longer be trifled with. Be different, show him some real, some harsh consequences. LET HIM READ A DIVORCE PETITION, one signed by you. Show him you are serious. Then, maybe, he will find some motivation to change.>>

But first, she needs to TELL him she knows about the 2 hour call- she hasn't even DONE that yet- then see where it goes. What does she have to lose at this point? I would not be sitting on here talking about a 2 hour phone conversation I heard weeks ago. It's her life and she is afraid to even bring it up. I could not do it. I could not be silent for more than a day even. It would eat me up and I am so sick and tired of wasting time thinking about this stuff as it is. I could not take on any more at this point. It's such a waste of time, of life, so many better things to be doing. This is what upsets me, the time wasted hashing it over and over again. It is taking away from a better life.
 
#134 ·
Asia,

Your fear is clouding your judgement. You are most definitely plan B. There is no doubt in my mind.

If your husband were committed to R this thread wouldn't exist. You can try to finesse it into a fairytale you can swallow but it will still make you sick in the end.

He is in love with her.

So, he is with you. Some people think that makes you plan A. It doesn't. There are things he doesn't want to lose - money, face, family, and the guilt weighs on him. You are only with him because of those other things.

You are plan B but with perks.

Do you really believe, in your heart of hearts, when you are completely honest with yourself, that he chose you over her?

He is on anti-depressants so he can get through the day. He doesn't have her to take the edge off. He has to try to be a good husband and father, but it isn't coming to him naturally.

Your neediness and fear are almost certainly weighing on him. It guilts him into trying rather than helps him see a woman who has a lot to offer.

You said he is a nice guy.

Who do you think he is playing "nice" for?

He feels trapped. I guarantee.

See a therapist on your own. See a lawyer to learn your rights and the possibilities. The only way you can survive this is if you face facts and act based on those facts.

He may very well leave you even with the other benefits that come with you. You may have no choice. And then you will claim to be blindsided and be totally unprepared to take care of yourself. How smart is that? Do you want everyone to see you as weak and fearful? People only have so much tolerance when people are so stuck playing victim and helpless, especially when the facts have been staring you in the face.

You think you are scared now? How scared do you think you will be when he chooses to leave rather than acquiesces to stay? If you haven't gotten your ducks in a row, you will be in worse shape than you are now.

Get all of the financial records. Tax forms. Credit card statements. If you don't have a good credit history, or any, fix that now. Save money. Do the 180 and improve your self-esteem.

Stop thinking this marriage is the only thing that is going to save you!

You are the only person who can save you. You are the only person who has all of the vested interest in your success. No matter how much someone loves you, in the end you rise or fall on your own decisions and actions.

That is a harsh reality. Take control of your life! You can do it! Whether he stays or goes, you kick him out or not, if you make yourself proud by accepting what you are facing and bravely making moves to protect yourself on one hand, and learn to LIVE on the other, you will love yourself so much.

Nothing feels better than working hard and having faith in yourself and this around you. People love helping when they know they are contributing to success. When they are propping someone else, not so much. They take responsibility for you and feel guilty if they want to stop.

Sound like anyone you know?

You can do it!!!

I expect your discussion with him to make you feel sorry for him and to buy any lame excuse he makes. Yeah, he is just a nice guy, protecting her feelings FOR TWO HOURS.

I hope you prove me wrong.
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#137 ·
Asia, of coarse you are plan b. B,C,D,E,F...you are the whole damn alphabet EXCEPT for A!!!! So am I, and everyone else that has been cheated on. Especially repeatedly cheated on. He cheats to escape his life with you. Mine cheated to escape his life with me and our unborn child. They cheat because they don't like their lives with us. Accept it. He does not regret her. You can't spin that.
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#143 ·
Here is the painful truth... IMO.

The only reason he went back to you is because of your daughter. If it was against you or her, he would have gone to her... He has proven that to you time and time again. The woman in a family is like a sun -- drawing the energy around it. It envelopes the others as a family unit.

He loves someone else. God or not, that is crap, and not what a marriage is intended to be. He made a promise to God to forsake all others. He lied.
 
#146 ·
If Asia truly wants to stop him cheating on her, she has to stop being there to be cheated on.

It really is that simple. She can't "win" him back because she never had him from the start. He cheated before their wedding and continued cheating after.

He has never been truly married. He has never been hers. He either settled or is incapable of loving her as a man should love his wife. Both suck.

Our goal should be to help Asia WANT to stop the pain she suffers by staying married to him. If she doesn't want it to stop, the thread can end here.

He can't change who he is. Asia can't wish or love him into loving her back. The situation is hopeless...

unless you are hoping for a lifetime of playing pretend. The mind hates self-deception. It will torment Asia. Trying to unring a bell is impossible. Trying to unknow the truth is as well.

Asia: What do you want that you can actually have in real life, not in fantasy land, that you can live with?

Are you willing to do what it takes to secure a positive life for you and your child? Or does staying miserable feel safer?

Cause I have a theory...

Fear of the unknown can paralyze. Since logically you know he will cheat again the fear you feel must originate elsewhere.

If you stay knowing he will never give you his heart, it suggests you don't really NEED his heart. Needing something motivates a different response than you are giving.

Could not knowing how to fulfill his function in your life be the real motivation for staying? Yeah, you love him, but it isn't satisfying so it isn't the real incentive that makes you want to stay.

Asia - what does he *do* and *provide* in your life, apart from male companionship? Assume he will continue to be a good father. Just look at functions/features he fulfills that would still need doing.

Maybe discussing these things and figuring out solutions will lessen the fear that is obscuring your view. The emotional armor that is "wishing" holds you prisoner.
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#149 ·
Was your husband cheating on you from prior to your marriage openminded? Did he cheat repeatedly on you, despite being caught? Because that's what Asia is married to, what she is clinging onto for all she is worth. Actually, I think she is worth far more than that, she just needs to realize it.
 
#151 ·
Asia will only "see" the posts that support holding on to her hope instead of accepting what is evident.

Encouraging her to stop waiting and hoping for a better life is for her own good. If this guy has anything real to offer he will do it when she is strong. While she is weak he can continue to pretend he is what he is not. When she gets strong he will have to make a decision because if he doesn't do it pronto, she will do it for him.

The people who say you have to be willing to "lose" the marriage to save it are right.

Marriage takes two strong people. This marriage has none.
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