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OW Broke NC and My Husband Called Back

44K views 316 replies 65 participants last post by  SolidSnake 
#1 ·
The title says it all. I have a recorder on his cell phone and can get copies off all incoming, outgoing, and vm calls. After all of this time, she decided to "touch base" with my husband and give him a call. She left him a vm and he called back. They talked for almost 2 hours.

There were good things and bad things. The good things were they haven't been in secret contact. He told her they couldn't be friends (she didn't ask, he offered that up) because he had to respect me. He did NOT want to talk about their relationship and wanted to leave whatever they had to say to each other in the past. He was somewhat cold and distant towards her, almost sounding like a robot. He actually said if he thought she wanted some deep profound discussion that he would not have called her back because he doesn't "have it" to give emotionally.

The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!

My thought is if he was "over" her, he could have talked about any and everything she wanted to talk about and it would have been no sweat off his back. I know he shouldn't have spoken with her at all. We have a really good chance here. This is the first time in our marriage that I feel he was/is doing the work. And he told her he was doing everything he could be to a better man and live his life right. He said to her he only thinks about the future and blocks out things (almost like he was going to block out their conversation). They hung up telling each other good things and he could call her anytime. He returned the gesture but I don't think they plan on calling each other again.

I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back. :mad::mad::mad:

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
 
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#206 ·
You guys were all right. He never stopped cheating on me. I am not sure if they know about this site (I suspect so) so I may give some details and delete them in a few days.

There are two women at play here. The first one when he wanted divorce and the other one he started messing around with at the end of his affair and this entire time I thought we were in R.

The two women ran into each other and the first (I will refer to as "main OW") confronted the other one. The other one ran off and the main lost it on my husband, to which he never responded.

The main OW was going to tell me but my husband told me before she could. This was a few weeks ago and we heard nothing from the main so I thought she was just venting. Over the weekend my husband was with the second OW and word got back to the main. So she is now threatening to tell everyone including my family and friends what my husband has been doing. My husband emailed her and told her to buzz off that I was the one to tell him not to respond to her original email and that I knew and that she would never hear from him again. She then wrote back and blew everything I didn't know out of the water, including that the other woman was with him recently. Needless to say, we are ending things but I am nervous she is going to tell my family. I emailed her asking her not to cause me more pain because she caused enough but she said sorry I'm still telling everyone. She has a boyfriend so now this is simply revenge for her because he didn't apologize to her like she thought she deserved.

That's it in a nutshell. :(
 
#210 ·
Don't fear the exposure, it will help you heal, you need the support of your friends and family.

Sorry you are going through this, it really sucks. Maybe this kind of drama is what you needed to realize he's a POS and you can do better.

Also, please don't get in another relationship until you get some counseling and work your crap out. Clearly you have some internal stuff to work on, as you were in some serious denial that he was cheating despite glaring evidence. If you don't fix your relationship radar, you're bound to make the same mistakes again.
 
#212 ·
Thanks everyone. I do need to get in front of this before she does, if she is serious about doing it. At this point, we put up a united front to her but she that didn't work. The main told me that he doesn't love me and she is glad she got saved from being with him.

I was caring and compassionate hoping she would see we were trying to make our marriage work, until she dropped the bomb that he was with the other one last weekend. I feel so stupid but relieved at the same time. I am in this weird holding place where I don't know how I should really be feeling. It's all so surreal that I am going through this again after he saw me dying in misery to do this another time.

His main OW gets the last laugh at my expense. I don't even care enough to say anything to the other one. She was apparently in it for the sex and travel. My family already dislikes him, when they find this out, there will be no turning back. They would think I was crazy.

I was so fixated on him and the main, I didn't even consider him finding another woman. She was always my target and now she gets to have her life and piss on my marriage (once again). My husband is begging and pleading about his love for me and how much he hates her now. Yeah right!
 
#213 ·
I was cheated on then cheated on again. I consider it a blessing because I would have felt guilty about breaking up the marriage if I hadn't known she was cheating the second time. It also allowed me to have a clean break where I didn't for one second consider Reconciliation. Yeah I was sad and torn up for a while but I at least didn't have to deal with regret.
 
#218 · (Edited)
Asia, I thought I was in it to experience a true reconciliation and to reconcile my family, not making my children a statistic...Driven by the altruistic, driven by honoring God. Well that's a bunch of baloney when you are the only one doing it and the other party has ulterior motives or are schooling themselves more on how to not get caught next time. Any day your spouse decides to get a go-phone, you will be moving from one realm of investigation to another. You are constantly assessing the quality of your life in the context of this marriage. Please do not waste years and years you cannot recover, living with this type of a human being.

It is religion abuse too...The church supported it and the state, but the day came when I said enough is enough...God is my church. I was FORCED to think for myself and discard societal norms. I had to move on if I was going to preserve what was left of my dignity. I am asking you, to please never get to that place. It is going against the grain and this marriage you are living in, is a disappointing lie. Going against the grain is an even greater challenge that no one will like to take. These things can be too much. In the end, you draw boundaries for yourself rather than for another person.
 
#219 ·
I'm so embarrassed. Do you have any idea how it feels to have your husband's other woman telling me he doesn't love me and how they had a life planned? I knew he was serious about her buy never heard her side before. They have been over for years but now she's out for blood.

He wants to work things out and says he is willing to change. I have heard that so many times over the years. Why would he continue to do this? I feel so used and almost hated by him. I want to believe him but that is just my heart wanting this pain to end. There is no point staying anymore. I don't know why he even came back before. He didn't have to come back just to keep hurting me. I would have been further along in my new life if he hadn't come back.

So from what I guess, he couldn't cheat on the main one and have the second one so he came back to me where he could cake eat.
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#221 ·
I know you guys are going to blast me but this is how I feel. I wish he would have never told me about this and just gave the main one what she wanted. I would have never learned of this new one, my reputation wouldn't be threatened, and my life would have go on. Now my entire life has been blown to bits by an old relationship that I had forgiven him for. The second girl is nothing in this buy it looks like she is the one that my husband will end up with. She lives across the country and goes everywhere with him. All while I'm making the home.
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#222 ·
My God! What horrible women. Your husband surely knows how to pick them. If they are this bold-faced and shameful in their behaviors, fighting over a married man in public with his wife's knowledge? ...What are they like in private? Germs. My God, how many men have they been with so much so that they could be this badly damaged? A testament of their self-respect? Big mistake to tell her not to reveal to your family. Every fear you have is a weapon for your enemies, remember that. Never let another person know which string they can dangle you from. I used to be a lot like you, naiive...You are gonna have to zip up those boots baby and walk all over them.
 
#226 ·
I know right? They are both pitiful. My husband gave that main one license to do this in the first place. In her mind, he cheated on her and she thinks she has the right to her say. The second one lied to her on my husband's behalf. He thought he got away with this for two years until they bumped into each other. Then he ignored the main one until he could not anymore and told me. We heard nothing for a few weeks then BAM she's exposing everything because he didn't apologize. And he had the nerve to try and pin thus all on her when he's been cheating with someone else. He is sick. I'm just the blockhead that thought I was in a recovering marriage when all along he's been cake eating. He's trying to direct all anger on the main one. But this time, I'm holding HIM accountable. The main one has been the one in control since this all went down but now she's threatening exposure, I'm at her mercy. I thought about waiting her out to see but I can't live like that. I just need to ability to tell my family what's been going on. Do I tel them everything or just this story?
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#223 · (Edited)
This is just me venting outwardly. Just feel so disrespected. And someone mentioned his main other woman bf. They only became a couple last year so she was not cheating on him. He is supporting her in my destruction because he feels it's the right thing to do. (Expose my husband)
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#225 ·
He was true to his nature, your issue was not being able to spot it.

That's the issue you're going to have to work on once the grieving process is over.

Ever hear the tale of the scorpion and the frog?

AesopFables.com - The Scorpion and the Frog - General Fable collection

The frog can't blame the scorpion for acting on its nature, it needs to look inward to figure out why it let the scorpion hitch a ride in the first place.
 
#230 ·
He added me to the email chain and I read the main one's email that explained all the details from when she found out about the second one.
Posted via Mobile Device

Oh I'm sorry you are referring to before. No I had software installed so I could keep an eye on him. He must have used another phone for the second one.
 
#228 ·
Tell your family everything. Every last bit of it. It will make you free. I concealed my husband cheating 30 years ago and told not a single soul. I stuffed it because I decided to R and I didn't want anyone knowing.

When he cheated a few years ago with the same AP, and I decided to divorce the second time and not reconcile, I did tell family and friends that I was done and I then told them about him cheating 30 years ago. I wanted them all to know that I felt played by being in what was false R for those 30 years because who knows if he was really done with her then. I doubt it.

And that's what I am praying you avoid in all of this. Don't let yourself get played again. Yes, you were used and so was I. Now you can fix it. Get your self-respect and your life back!!!
 
#229 ·
And, yes, the main one does feel like she was his true love, not you, and that he was cheating on her.

I would say the vast majority (maybe even everyone) who followed your story felt he was still cheating. Understandably, you didn't want to believe he was. You should be very grateful to the main one this all came out because otherwise he would have played you forever. If I could turn back the clock and divorce my ex-husband 30 years ago when I should have and not last year when I did I certainly would do it. I lost 30 years in false R. Believe me, you don't want that.
 
#235 ·
After I told my family what happened 30 years ago, in addition to what happened a few years ago, they certainly did look at me like I was crazy. But you can't control what others think of your actions. I'm not embarrassed they know that I stayed 30 years ago and should not have. We live and learn. The important thing is that we don't keep repeating the same mistakes.
 
#237 ·
<<His main OW gets the last laugh at my expense. I don't even care enough to say anything to the other one. She was apparently in it for the sex and travel. My family already dislikes him, when they find this out, there will be no turning back. They would think I was crazy.

I was so fixated on him and the main, I didn't even consider him finding another woman. She was always my target and now she gets to have her life and piss on my marriage (once again). My husband is begging and pleading about his love for me and how much he hates her now. Yeah right!>>

Do not worry about what the OW gets or thinks or says about you. She is nothing but a cheater herself for being with a married man. She holds no power over you and is lashing out at the one she can hurt the most right now.

DO tell you family. It will serve two purposes. First it will give you the support you need. You tried to keep your family together by forgiving him. That's all they need to know.

Secondly it will finally put everything out there , out from under the cloak of secrecy and shame that you feel, although you shouldn't. It will allow YOU to move on because there will be no going back should you start to falter if he is still trying to win you back. When times get tough sometimes it's easier to go with the familiar, which in your case is not a healthy place to be, but sometimes it's more comfortable, predictable, safe, even.

With your family's knowledge of what has happened you can lean on them to stay strong. Having everything out in the open is always better.

Because, as my tagline says:
 
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