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OW Broke NC and My Husband Called Back

44K views 316 replies 65 participants last post by  SolidSnake 
#1 ·
The title says it all. I have a recorder on his cell phone and can get copies off all incoming, outgoing, and vm calls. After all of this time, she decided to "touch base" with my husband and give him a call. She left him a vm and he called back. They talked for almost 2 hours.

There were good things and bad things. The good things were they haven't been in secret contact. He told her they couldn't be friends (she didn't ask, he offered that up) because he had to respect me. He did NOT want to talk about their relationship and wanted to leave whatever they had to say to each other in the past. He was somewhat cold and distant towards her, almost sounding like a robot. He actually said if he thought she wanted some deep profound discussion that he would not have called her back because he doesn't "have it" to give emotionally.

The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!

My thought is if he was "over" her, he could have talked about any and everything she wanted to talk about and it would have been no sweat off his back. I know he shouldn't have spoken with her at all. We have a really good chance here. This is the first time in our marriage that I feel he was/is doing the work. And he told her he was doing everything he could be to a better man and live his life right. He said to her he only thinks about the future and blocks out things (almost like he was going to block out their conversation). They hung up telling each other good things and he could call her anytime. He returned the gesture but I don't think they plan on calling each other again.

I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back. :mad::mad::mad:

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
 
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#239 ·
Update.

Everyone knows. I told my family we were breaking up, he told his family and is now living with them. The main other woman did tell my church and had my husband removed from his duties (not the pastor or anything). She sent me a very long letter explaining their relationship in detail and pretty much let me know that my husband had every single intention of marrying her. He did ask me for divorce so I couldn't even lie to myself about his feelings for her. She told me I was in denial and that SHE was going to handle him as I always let him get away with this. SHE wasn't having it. SHE was going to hold his feet to the fire by telling everyone. What nerve!

I kicked him out and I am leaving for a few weeks to get away. I told my job I needed leave for a bit. My daughter heard some of our big arguments so I took her to my parents for a few days as well. My husband kept trying to say lets work it out until she sent the last letter. There was nothing he could say because she made it clear she was coming after him. She hates him now and thinks he's scum. He replied to the email chain that we are all on and said he was fine with her telling everyone about him. He also said he had dirt on her and was going to use it against her and "let's see who comes out on top" were his exact words. Not "go away" or I love my wife so stop emailing us or anything to protect me. No, he wants to jump bad to her, but she never responded since (she said that would be her last time contacting either of us, so far she hasn't yet).

So I go check his texts usage and guess what? He started texting her about how he had pictures and video of them together and was going to send it to her boyfriend. He said "I am getting hard just watching them again". Then a few days later, he texts her again saying she got what she wanted and he realized he was finally free for the first time in his life and this was his new start. He thanked her and said he wasn't going to get revenge, he was just going to live well and that would be his revenge. She hasn't responded to anything he sent yet and its been almost two weeks or so.

Why if he was so serious about us working it out would he be texting her after she just blew up his entire life for any reason whatsoever???? He is going to have to pay child support and can't see our daughter when he wants and he reaches out to HER? My marriage is over and he wants revenge on HER? He STILL doesn't get boundaries. Not that there is anything to work out anymore. I am going to stop with the spyware and deplug from the internet while I'm away. I have some medication and anti depressants. My therapist is going to Skype with me if I need it (the only internet I will use).

How could I be so blind for so long? Everyone in my life knew my husband was a bum and I just went along for the ride. Is there a kick me sign on my back? :confused:
 
#244 ·
Asia,

It seems at this point, you are too involved with these people and their drama. You really need to stop reading and responding to emails.

You need to move on in order to heal.

This has been unhealthy for you for a very long time and by now you should realize it's over and check yourself out of all these relationship.

Your time would be better spent on talking to a lawyer and planning a better future for yourself.

It does no good to torture yourself with this insane and immature drama. Remove yourself and you win!!
 
#245 ·
\
I think you should rejoice that the first OW is doing the dirty work.
This is exactly what I was thinking, but was loathe to say. Yes, it hurts, it sucks, you are confused and you still love him. You can feel all of those things away from him and the drama. You WILL heal much faster when you aren't concerning yourself with their drama.

He's a cheater, liar and a time waster. Time is precious and before you know it, it is gone. Don't waste your time on a crappy man.
 
#247 ·
Yeah its all been extremely hard. My marriage is over. I don't know how I am going to get over all of this pain and anger I have. I know what needs to be done but it hurts facing the fact that my husband was with someone else that entire time. And double sucks that after everything he said about hating the other woman that I've been in contact with, she is the one he texts to get a reaction from.

Do you PM anymore Openminded?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#255 ·
I wanted my marriage so bad that I didn't tell anyone what was going on really. And now the OW got to do what probably should have been my job to do. She had him removed from ministry with one phone call. I am so embarrassed over that. And he STILL reached out to her and let her know his life was ruined. I can't even express how angry I am over all of this! Especially when everyone here was telling me he was still up to his old and current tricks. I removed him from all of my online pictures and took down all of the ones in our home. I am going to thrive after we are divorced!
 
#257 ·
You are going to be ok. Be angry just don't be surprised because he did everything the way he is built to do them. He is selfish and only concerned for himself. For the first time he is paying a price.

You protected him by what you thought would protect you. But all you did was isolate yourself.

Cheaters are abusing you. When an abuser gets you to isolate yourself from others they erode your support. Doing so gives them more power. If you are too afraid to let others know they have no fear.
 
#261 ·
No, you really didn't know him. For whatever reason he changed his mind about divorce and chose to return to his family after leaving for a few months. It's not possible to know why. You will never understand his actions.

Love? Who knows if men like him are even capable of love. I don't think my ex-husband is. But that's no longer my problem. Detachment is a great thing. It will get you through.
 
#262 ·
Both your STXH and the OW are very selfish people, it is all about them. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else and was for awhile. You are a kind and loving individual and deserve a better life than all the turmoil that these two will always have in there life. They aren't happy with themselves so it will always be their modus operendi. Concentrate on yourself and daughter.
 
#264 ·
<<Why if he was so serious about us working it out would he be texting her after she just blew up his entire life for any reason whatsoever???? He is going to have to pay child support and can't see our daughter when he wants and he reaches out to HER?>>

I think you just answered your own question here. He wanted it all, and doesn't want the fallout now, especially the $$ he will be paying.
 
#268 ·
I'm sure she's angry at herself and at him because she believed him when he said he would marry her. She never thought there would be someone else besides her. And, no, she didn't feel you counted. Probably because that's what he told her.

He was naive to think she wouldn't expose him after she saw him and the second other woman.

And, yes, he still cares what she thinks.
 
#270 ·
She said that too. That she felt he pulled the wool over her eyes. They haven't been together in two years so for her to still be upset tells me she still had feelings for him. For him to text her after everything happened tells me he still has feelings for her. He was naive in that he didn't know she was planning a nuclear exposure. Im thinking he just told me thinking he was taking away her power. And planned on keeping the second other woman for as long as he could. He swears the second other woman doesn't matter and she was only for sex.

But I keep going back to the same questions.....he could have cheated on the main other woman and stayed away from us. He came back to us to KEEP cheating on me. I was happy in a way when I found out he cheated on the main other woman because she now knows she wasn't so special. He didn't love her either.

Yet, you guys think he still cares about her and I don't see that because he was going to humiliate her if he could. Not sure what made him tell her he changed his mind. He could have just let her think her world was blowing up too and not do anything. She didn't need to be informed of what happened to him.
 
#273 ·
And nobody cares about me and my daughter.

He's over with his family playing the poor me card. I refuse to speak to him right now. He said he would give me my space like he doesn't think we can't get past this. He doesn't understand that there is no more going back and getting past anything.

His main OW knew things about my marriage that were only meant for us. She knew about how his family operated and things like that. I mean, she knows my husband the same way I do. It's just crazy.

The second one was willing to just hang around with him. She loves him from what I can tell but I don't think he thinks of her the same way as he did the main one.

I only want to do what's best for me from now on. I am going to get an attorney soon. My family is super supportive and I am glad they aren't coming down on me (to my face at least).
 
#275 ·
It's difficult to let go of the thought that they should have put us first and cared most about us. Yes, they should. But they didn't and so we need to let go of that. When I decided to end my marriage I stopped wondering how my husband could have blown up our family and instead I began focusing on myself.

I now look upon my ex-husband as a close friend (never thought I would be able to say that) and I get along very well with his new wife when I see her at family functions (never thought I would say that either but she was not his affair partner and that made it easier).

All of that is possible because I let go of the idea of what "we" were and instead focused on who I am. And that's a strong, happy person who no longer is married to someone who didn't put her first and who didn't care most about her. It's a good place to be.
 
#279 ·
I have just finished reading u our thread. Not been on this forum for a while as I've been sorting my own crap relationship out! Just ordered a book from amazon which I was given on this forum some time ago. I think it may be of use to you too. The book is 'why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men. By Lundy Bancroft. I think you may find some similarities in here and some further reasons to stay away and keep away.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-C...09610200&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that?
 
#280 ·
Update.

My husband is engaged. Yes you read that correctly. My husband who is still married to me has asked his OW to marry him three weeks ago. A month or so after I kicked him out.

He told me about this because he thought his main OW was going to tell me. She didn’t but after speaking with him, I did reach out to her to get more information. She confirmed everything he said pretty much but my husband is still a total liar.

Here is how it went (this is a combination of my conversations with husband and emails with main OW). My husband travels and both his main other woman and now second OW turned “fiancé” was on the same trip (they all run in the same circle of friends. The main OW had stopped for a while and recently returned to the scene.) My husband sees the main OW first and looks at her until she notices him and she frowns and turns away quickly.

Next time, my husband and second OW turned “fiancé” approaches main OW and her friends. Everyone speaks except main OW. My husband goes as far as to extend his hand in peace offering/friendship/let bygones by bygones sort of way to the main OW and main OW doesn’t shake his hand for a long time. She finally does and my husband goes on to say everything is fine, he is the one who lost everything, that I am divorcing him and living with his parents. He goes onto say he is glad to be free and taking this as a new start. (The exact same thing he texted her after she had him kicked out of our church but never responded) The main OW says “I see she is with you and you look happy”, he then tells her he is and they are engaged. He expresses that he told me how much he loves his “fiancé” and that everything is out in the open so she could tell me and there would be no problems.

He goes on to defend his “fiancé” over some harassing that went on between the main and second OW right after my husband ended things with the main OW a few years ago. But tells the main one he wants to trace the emails and if he finds out his “fiancé” sent them, she would have to pay the consequences. The “fiancé” is standing there listening to the entire conversation. The main OW reminds my husband of his cheating on her and me and he says, “I never cheated on you, ever. After we broke up, I tried to work things out with my wife but they still weren’t right and that’s when my and “fiancé” started together”. But I never cheated on you, just cheated on my wife. Why would I have to lie now? I have no reason to lie to you. Then he went to admit he lied to the main OW about taking a trip with the “fiancé”. So the main OW said she just shook her head and sat back down. She couldn’t believe my husband was still lying about cheating on her. I told her he admitted it to me. So apparently for the rest of the travel trip, they only ran into each other a few times. My husband says he was working a lot, main OW thinks his “fiancé” was hiding from her.

I asked my husband how could he be engaged when we are still married and he said since I am divorcing him, he is ready to live his life. I asked him was he moving across the country where she lives and he says he’s not sure. For the past two years, he has been home more than away so they could have only seen each other maybe once a weekend every month or so. Except during the summer where she has more freedom to travel. I think this travel trip is the longest they can spend with each other since it’s oversees for a week. So I guess for the past two years, they have spent a total of two months together physically if you add all the days up. And he is now ready to marry this woman who was willing to be with my husband while we were together and when he had the main OW. What a prize she is.

Before anyone asks/says I shouldn’t be this involved since we are divorcing, you are right. I don’t speak to him anymore but he wanted to beat the main OW to the punch by telling me. She had no intention of contacting me again so he blew it himself. We only speak briefly regarding my daughter and I haven’t had a long conversation with him until this all came out.

Here are my questions for TAM:

1. Has anyone else had this happen to him or her?
2. I am now going for alimony; does his getting engaged interfere with that?
3. Can I keep my daughter away from her at least until the divorce is final or before his remarriage?
4. What else can I stick him for?
5. Can he REALLY be in love with this woman or is it all fantasy since he begged me to keep him when I found out?
6. Why is he still lying about cheating on main OW when he admitted it to me?
7. Why is he still speaking to her after she has exposed him, ruined our marriage (I know he did but she told) and wants her to know he will avenge her if he finds out his “fiancé” did in fact harass her years ago?
8. Why would his “fiancé” even allow him to talk to the main OW even if he did want to tell her they were engaged? Why do they give this woman so much power?
9. How can I ask his family to help me keep him from marrying her? I keep thinking he is going to take all of the lessons from our failed marriage and be a good husband to her.
10. Should I contact the “fiancé” and let her know she can’t be around my daughter?

I am extra hurt on learning of his engagement. But I am even madder that he has such a lack of respect for me. He couldn’t wait? He just had to have his woman as his wife? Just two months ago, he wanted our marriage and now he is head over heels in love with this woman? I thought she was just someone to screw. The main OW did hear that his “fiancé” is telling people their situation is “complicated” when they asked her when was the wedding and maybe in a couple of years. Ha! Complicated is right, especially when you fail to mention his is still married!! His main OW provided me with some information that I can use in court to help strengthen my case, I hope. It was just some emails and pictures but I keep hearing that courts don’t care about infidelity.

Thoughts?
 
#281 ·
Here are my questions for TAM:

1. Has anyone else had this happen to him or her?
Yes, although the plans are in the initial stage, it sucks, especially when you read the letters about how she'll never cheat on him, or lie, fight for them....(Barf!!!)
2. I am now going for alimony; does his getting engaged interfere with that?
[B]No, in fact depending on your divorce decree only changes IF you get married, and that depends on whether it is agreed upon or not in the finalized Divorce decree.[/B]

3. Can I keep my daughter away from her at least until the divorce is final or before his remarriage?
No, Unless you can prove she is a hazard or danger no much you can do, of course if no Custody agreement is in effect the parent who has the child present no matter where is considered the custodial parent. You could also deny him visitation until an order is established but this is dangerous and could make you look bad in Court.
4. What else can I stick him for?
Hi share of the marital bills, and be sure to review your Court forms, see if he has taken on any uneeded debt and make sure that any and all credit debt can be segregated from yours.

5. Can he REALLY be in love with this woman or is it all fantasy since he begged me to keep him when I found out?
Of course he is in love, with an idea, and the idea is leaving a wake behind him of pain and destruction, keep away, fix you and move on.

6. Why is he still lying about cheating on main OW when he admitted it to me?
It is a way t detach from the gravity of truth to make himself feel better while also being a feeble attempt to keep you hooked to the idea of reconciliation, resist, see answer #5

7. Why is he still speaking to her after she has exposed him, ruined our marriage (I know he did but she told) and wants her to know he will avenge her if he finds out his “fiancé” did in fact harass her years ago?
Beyoncé has a song called "Crazy in love", let it go.

8. Why would his “fiancé” even allow him to talk to the main OW even if he did want to tell her they were engaged? Why do they give this woman so much power?
Poor self esteem, boundaries, and probably a good fit for your Narcissistic STBXH who must be feeling like he is in a cake factory right now.

9. How can I ask his family to help me keep him from marrying her? I keep thinking he is going to take all of the lessons from our failed marriage and be a good husband to her.
Better Question is, why do you want to stop them? Let them be together and in time his irrational actions will cause him to more than likely be a Divorcee twice, with even less to offer the next woman, no revenge quite like watching the opponent self destruct.
10. Should I contact the “fiancé” and let her know she can’t be around my daughter?
No, Although so your research on her if you can, depending on your daughter's age let her know the situation and leave a documented paper trail about your concern for the Ow to your ex, Texts, E0mail, FB what ever it is, leave a trail. Any attempt at contacting the OW and engaging her will make YOU seem like the loon in other peoples eyes, again, do what you can, but let it go.

I am extra hurt on learning of his engagement. But I am even madder that he has such a lack of respect for me. He couldn’t wait? He just had to have his woman as his wife? Just two months ago, he wanted our marriage and now he is head over heels in love with this woman? I thought she was just someone to screw. The main OW did hear that his “fiancé” is telling people their situation is “complicated” when they asked her when was the wedding and maybe in a couple of years. Ha! Complicated is right, especially when you fail to mention his is still married!! His main OW provided me with some information that I can use in court to help strengthen my case, I hope. It was just some emails and pictures but I keep hearing that courts don’t care about infidelity.

Thoughts?
The courts do not necessarily care per se with the no fault divorce process, but with a good lawyer you can prove extreme emotional stress, which is accepted in a work place as being a punishable offense then it can apply to a marriage dissolution.

As for the rest, the Iceberg of infidelity struck, let the ship sink and enjoy the show. He is probably so in love with his new prospect that you can take advantage of it by getting a more favorable settlement in the decree.
 
#284 ·
AND let the STBX foot the entire bill for it all. He covers ALL attorney's fees, court fees...EVERYTHING.

I know its hard, but LET IT GO. Detach into your own world. I know first hand that some people are a special kind of crazy that the rest of us will never, ever be able to comprehend.
 
#289 ·
My now ex-husband was engaged before I filed (although I had told him I was divorcing him) but not to the other woman -- it was to someone new he met on line.

I don't know how much cheaters suffer (or if they really do) but, whatever it is, it isn't nearly enough. I do know my ex-husband is now remorseful for blowing up a 45 year marriage but it no longer matters in the least to me. His new marriage seems happy so far but either way I don't care.

The best revenge is waking up happy every morning because he's no longer my problem.
 
#290 ·
I think he still thinks highly of OW1 and may even think of her as a backup.

It must be heady for him to have 3 women who want(ed) him at the same time.

The fun will be when OW2 realizes SHE got a pig in a poke. When she realizes she didn't WIN anything of value he will probably hit up OW1 again.

all 4 of you know that he's a liar as well as all of his colleagues. if he doesn't think you just made the biggest fool of himself on the planet he is very wrong.
 
#291 ·
The best thing you can do is stop trying to work him out. You know he is a cheater, you know he cares little for others, you know he avoids difficulties in his life and rather than fix them he finds the easiest way out, creating more chaos for those around him that are left picking up the pieces.

You clearly haven't read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. I posted the link a few pages back. If you want some answers to questions that are trying to work him out, that book will give you plenty.

What is wrong here is that you are still questioning his motives and not moving on. Though it is completely understandable that you are still reeling and raw with this still being so fresh.

Of course he won't take the lessons learned into his new relationship! He doesn't learn lessons! If he cared enough to, he would never ever ever have treated you in the way he has or have dealt with the whole business in the way he has. This is not an engagement! This is a farce! His sticking plaster! And you know they lose their stick after a while! Normal people don't finish one relationship, never mind a marriage, and end up engaged within a couple of months. Normal people don't begin any relationship and end up engaged after a couple of months. This is just fantasy from a man who does not live in reality. And you think he and his fiance will be happy??? It won't happen. She sounds like a doormat (to have stood there while he said all those things) with no self esteem or self respect or self anything who was ripe picking for him.

Stop trying to find out the why. Be happy you are rid of this childish, malicious, scheming man who lacks any empathy or thought for anyone but himself.

Read the book!
 
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