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OW Broke NC and My Husband Called Back

44K views 316 replies 65 participants last post by  SolidSnake 
#1 ·
The title says it all. I have a recorder on his cell phone and can get copies off all incoming, outgoing, and vm calls. After all of this time, she decided to "touch base" with my husband and give him a call. She left him a vm and he called back. They talked for almost 2 hours.

There were good things and bad things. The good things were they haven't been in secret contact. He told her they couldn't be friends (she didn't ask, he offered that up) because he had to respect me. He did NOT want to talk about their relationship and wanted to leave whatever they had to say to each other in the past. He was somewhat cold and distant towards her, almost sounding like a robot. He actually said if he thought she wanted some deep profound discussion that he would not have called her back because he doesn't "have it" to give emotionally.

The bad....he doesn't regret her or the time they had. He said that about a million times and apologized two million. Went on and on about how great she was to him, how she made him a better man, she was a great girlfriend and how she is going to make someone a great wife. Told her he speaks highly about her whenever someone asks about her. And here is the part that almost tore me in half. My husband reminded her of when he asked me for divorce on my birthday to be with her to make sure SHE knew how important she was to him at the time. He never mentioned his love for me and our life. He admitted to her that he had to go into therapy to get other THEIR relationship and that he takes meds (anti depressants and anxiety) to this very day. I thought he was depressed because he screwed up his life! He promised her that he didn't cheat on HER (umm excuse me, you cheated on ME with HER). And the best part, he couldn't go back and talk about anything that happened between them because he has boundaries he has to protect. He stopped therapy a long time ago but told her he goes every two or three months if he needs to. She asked how long it took him to get over her and at first he said months, then said "I don't know, it really took a long time". Indicating that he may still not be fully there!!!! I am so confused and hurt!

My thought is if he was "over" her, he could have talked about any and everything she wanted to talk about and it would have been no sweat off his back. I know he shouldn't have spoken with her at all. We have a really good chance here. This is the first time in our marriage that I feel he was/is doing the work. And he told her he was doing everything he could be to a better man and live his life right. He said to her he only thinks about the future and blocks out things (almost like he was going to block out their conversation). They hung up telling each other good things and he could call her anytime. He returned the gesture but I don't think they plan on calling each other again.

I am always nervous but was feeling better each day until I heard this conversation. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don't want to tell him I have his phone bugged. Our recovery is going nicely. I almost understand why he talked to her since they obviously had not spoken since their D-Day but he should have never returned her call and told me instantly she tried to contact him. The very fact that she called him makes me sick, the worse is he called back. :mad::mad::mad:

I have been spinning in my head for weeks now. Can someone help me out with this one? I feel good on one side and terrible on the other. Does this mean our recovery is doomed? I am trying to look at this positively since he told her he had to respect me. Help!
 
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#293 ·
By the way, I am coming from the point of view of a similar scenario, I was engaged to my man in June. We had been together nearly 5 years. We had a rocky start to the engagement and so I had to lay down the ground rules, which he happily agreed to and promptly broke. Engagement raised the bar and the expectations. I couldn't go back with him and allow the disregard to his continued lies (one of my conditions to accept the proposal) because that meant that all normal stuff in the relationship, all reasonable expectations, would go out the window. All my needs, normal basic needs, would be disregarded and ignored whenever he saw fit. So I broke it off.

We drifted back after a month or so, this was the cycle of our whole relationship, on the proviso we needed a serious talk. That never happened because I found the Internet search of him trying to reconnect with his ex. He gave me a stupid story to explain it away. I was under no illusion that it was bullsh*t. That was 5-6 weeks ago. That brought the finality to any possibility of fixing. He had cheated on me with her for a good year and half into the beginning of our relationship. Created much upset and turmoil. Hence, I joined this forum. The last 3 years have been pretty good on the whole though.

He went away on holiday for a couple of weeks 3 weeks ago, sent me long and loving emails every night and morning, arrived back last Friday and came to see me with lovely presents. That Friday evening when I refused to sleep with him and instead asked him what was the deal with searching for his ex, he told me all he had done to search for this ex, the lengths he had gone to. He then told me an even more preposterous story that I can't be bothered to write here, but believe me, it makes one laugh out loud! He had gone to extraordinary measures to get in touch. This woman who I had spent 5 years trying to rid from my life and our life, who I thought he was with me on this, now had his phone number.

He sent me the texts yesterday of their exchanges and their chat about meeting up! All full of 'if you are at a loose end tonight or tomorrow it would be lovely to see you', her reply 'that would be great but I can't tonight....blah blah' Talk about rubbing it in! All with this preposterous explanation to back it up! He's insane! Up to Friday he was expressing never ending and forever love. Friday night he hits me with the lengths he went to find her. Sunday he sends me their texts to prove his intentions!!!! It doesn't need a genius to know what they are! I was engaged to this man less than 3 months ago. He has my name tattooed on his arm. He has made zero effort to fix our relationship from the cheating back at the beginning. He has made zero effort to fix us following his breaking of basic agreements on marriage. And now this ex he cheated with, he is on the brink of rekindling their relationship from well over 5 years ago! Sunday when he sent me the text exchanges, that was our anniversary!

What I'm trying to say here is you are not alone in having a crazy twat as an ex who has wasted your years and your love...don't bother trying to work them out. Don't bother trying to second guess their motives. Where does it get you? Just more wasted time spent on them! No! Don't do it! Stop! Concentrate on your daughter, try and push thoughts of him out. He's a fool and an idiot. He knows it. You know it. His fiance probably knows it. But you are out of there. Be grateful for that. Push dark thoughts out and think about doing stuff that keeps your mind occupied and off the subject of him. Exercise is always good for that. Pummel a punch bag at the gym!
 
#295 ·
Just wanted to jump in and add - he's not going to live happily ever after and he's not applying the "lessons he learned from your failed marriage" - he didn't learn anything. At all. He will cheat on her, and she will probably cheat on him. Don't you worry about that. You, on the other hand, are learning and growing, and will one day find a loyal and faithful and loving man, when you are ready. Hold your head up and keep moving forward, even if it feels like you are moving slowly.

one day at a time.
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#299 ·
I know that is how I am supposed to feel but it seems like I am never going to get there. I know its over, heck I ended it but when you hear from your husband that he is in love and engaged to another woman, it more than stings. Thanks for the encouragement. :)
 
#301 ·
I'm actually considering moving out of state. I don't want my husband to leave our daughter but for myself, it would be a great new start with new people. I could start my life all over with none of the reminders of this current situation. Well I can't run away but you know, just get on with it.

What did you take up/get into? :)
 
#303 ·
Honestly, what you need is time, nothing more. Whatever you endeavor to do will end up doing will be interrupted by the trauma you have dealt with, I know this isn't very uplifting per se but it is the truth, so while going out and all is fun you may want to hold off on trying new things to enjoy lest you will find yourself not as enthused as you may be due to the constant thoughts of this experience.

In time, it will fade like all memories and that spot where you meet up with friends and laugh about it and how fvcked up you STBXH was and how much better off you became afterward is somewhere in the future. One day at a time.
 
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#304 ·
When I was in the middle of the mess, I didn't feel I would ever be indifferent to my now ex-husband. But I am. I think of him as a distant family member I see occasionally. I like his current wife (who is not his affair partner) and enjoy seeing her at family functions. Had I been told at the time of my divorce I might someday feel that way, I wouldn't have believed it. It didn't seem possible considering what I was going through then. Now? A different, and better, life.
 
#308 ·
Blimey Turnera! Wow!

How can you give such good advice and post this!!!!!!!
Can I come and save you? Will you move in with me?!!!
 
#315 ·
Thanks, guys, but I'm not that special. I've made tons of mistakes, and I don't follow my own advice; it's easier just to stay here in stasis and just survive. And I don't treat my husband that great, and my not standing up for myself has created a DD24 with her own set of anxiety and other problems. I'm really good at learning and figuring out how things SHOULD be done, just not good at upsetting the apple cart.

OP, sorry for the T/J.
 
#316 ·
You know something?? You had a hand in saving me.

Some of your posts on my main thread made me reevaluate my marriage, my life and my ability to provide the best environment and atmosphere for my children. After you and many other ones (thanks Gus) {Where you been at anyway} I resisted relentlessly until I had total strangers tell me what a ****ty job I was doing for my children and for my self.

Even you said so yourself, be brave and keep going. It doesn't matter how old you are, or what may keep you around or what the next day will bring. You true identity is here, and from the looks of it, she is a very knowledgeable person, full of compassion and willing to assist others no matter the circumstances. Pull the loose end and unravel the tapestry of the life you have accepted and sew up the one you know you want and deserve.
 
#317 ·
Well, Asia, I read your entire thread and at least you can rest assured that your stbxh and his affair partner will not have a happy marriage. They haven't got a snowballs chance in hell! It always amazes me that people ignore the fact that if someone will cheat with you they will cheat ON you. This man is a serial cheater too. Just wait. As soon as things get a little too familiar in their marriage he will be out looking for some strange just like he did before. She will never be able to rest easy or be secure, not even for a day. What goes around, comes around.
 
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