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He Cheated.......I want to leave but afraid

6K views 42 replies 12 participants last post by  stuck on hold 
#1 ·
My husband cheated. Cheated in the worst way. Both an emotional affair and physical affairs inbetween. Not sure whats worse. Married 6 years, have 6 kids. Youngest is 2. He lied our entire marriage as I've now discovered. I dont trust a word he says now. Its only been 3 mths since I found out. There are his children from previous marriage that will be affected AGAIN buy this break up. Sometimes it seems he's on egg shells, sometimes it seems he doesnt care. The respect is gone. How do you respect someone that would hurt his own kids AGAIN for the 4th time since he left their mother?

This is my second marriage. Im afraid of going through the single parenting thing again. Im afraid of what this will do to my youngest in his future. Im afraid of raising the only boy in the family with out a full time father. Ironically we have and STILL get along even after I found this out. Not sure if its because I really just dont care anymore or if its my way of not facing my feelings. The two people in my family that I told both want me to leave. Once doesnt have children though so its hard to get her to understand why I feel stuck. As a woman, I am fine with leaving meaning I have lost so much respect for him that I know I dont love him as a husband. I do care about his well being but not the way you care about your husband. So if I dont care should i stay and make sure the boy has his father full time? Or because I dont care should I go? Even though he chetaed I also feel sorry for him at times? Sorry because as much as he thought he was getting away with all of this he doesnt have the guts to leave his children. Now that he was caught having a full blown very intense emotional affair ........he doesnt want to leave? Why is he putting this on me to decide? This was his plan all along. So why now does he want to stay.
What are the chances he's still talking , seeing, emailing, this other woman? Should I even ask? Does it matter?
:confused:
 
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#39 ·
yes true. Although I did not marry her she was well aware of my marriage and who I was and our children etc etc. This is not her first time with my husband. She was also the mistress in his first marriage. I dont think she should get away with it any more then he. But yes, my focus should be him .
 
#40 ·
Thank you Badmemory. When I read about VAR, or keylogers my stomach turns sadly enough. Reason being.......Im almost certain I will find what I dont want to find. Thats very telling towards my R. I dont have much faith that he will consistantly be faithful. While he's in the dog house.....yes. While he's afraid of his daughters hurting....yes. Longterm .....no
 
#41 ·
There have always been men who drift from woman to woman, planting their seed, having multiple babies with multiple women, never taking 100% responsibility for the many families that they start for no other reason than careless self-gratification. Your H appears to be one of those men. By the time he is older, he will have a passel of children who nominally call him 'Dad,' but who don't really know him or truly respect him. He will have a history of hit-and-run baby maker and father and he'll be on his latest mistress whom he casually introduces to his many children when he sees them. The kids won't care about the latest gf. They'll be living their own lives, to which their father is just a peripheral element.

Better to take them out of this picture now, OP, in my opinion. Be a single mom who shows them the love and devotion that at least one good parent can give them. As others have said, your unrepentant WH is a sucky role model at best. I think he's a half-hearted husband, father, boyfriend and probably human being - someone who drifts along doing whatever.

I hope you get out and take tight hold of the reins for your all of your children.
 
#42 ·
Yes, that's true, but the symbolism is important. If you do nothing on the verification front, then upon what would you even base rebuilding any trust what so ever? No matter what you decide as far as staying or going, you're going to have to deal with him in regards to your child.

It's also a handy line in the sand to demonstrate quickly and clearly his commitment, or lack thereof at that moment. If he balks, there's your unambiguous answer. If he capitulates, at the very least you make it more inconvenient to carry on with his AP.
 
#43 ·
Update -

I read and re-read all of the advice to my thread. Sometimes you know what you should do but are too afraid or to much in denial to admit but can you really say you dont know this yourself? He's away on business and I've asked him to meet me for coffee on Sunday when he gets back.
I do plan on asking him for full disclosure . Not because I have much hope on R . A true R anyway but because I want to prove to myself AGAIN that he's NOT going to want to do this. The R is SO much work from what I read and know I need and its a mixture of me not having enough in me to want to ask all for all that work and two......the fact that I know he will disapoint. I know deep inside that even if he agrees, its NOT going to be at 110%. However I will ask and I'll post his responce here.

I plan on address all of my feelings. I go from what is best to what is easiest to what my kids need, to what I need, to what makes me happy, to what makes my kids happy, . Its a nightmare.

Nothing has changed in my home since I found out. I made sure of that for my children but he's benefited from this as well. ITs time for change. Its time for the "TALK". I will do everything in my power NOT TO ASK ABOUT THE MISTRESS as I dont want to give her anymore attention then he has already.

You all will see, my update after Sunday will be exactly what Im sure you already see as a dead end conversation.
 
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