my stepson isn't my husband's biological child

culinarywonder · 03-14-2010, 04:52 PM

my husband told be that the boy he calls his son really isn't his. his ex cheated on him before they were married and convinced him that the child was his. she coerced him into marrying her, making him believe that the baby was his. during the year of their marriage, she cheated and cheated and cheated, all unknown to him, while she left him home with the baby that wasn't even his. finally, she wanted a divorce and suspicion led my husband to get a paternity test. NOT his! all she wanted was someone to assume responsibility for the child and prevent herself from looking like the s**t she was in front of everyone. my husband chose to still act as the dad. she remarried within months of the divorce.

i HATE dealing with her. she thinks everything should go the way she wants it. she constantly threatens my husband saying phone conversations are taped, etc. she is wacko! she acted like a wh**e and is taking it out on my husband.

here is my problem: I love love love kids and have one of my own from a previous marriage. (my ex is pretty much nonexistent.) my husband and i plan on having children of our own. however, i cannot get over the fact that he did not walk away from the situation with his ex 5 years ago. why did he assume responsibility for a child he was deceived into believing was his? why did he choose to spend the rest of his life dealing with her craziness? I believe with all my heart that i would be able to accept him if he was my husband's biological child. but i am having great difficulty with the situation. there is something not allowing me to accept him. it makes my skin crawl every time he refers to our family as him, me, my daughter, and "his son." I have tried to get through this and am having a very difficult time. Basically, i tolerate his ex's son. luckily, only every other weekend. any suggestions are appreciated

sunflower · 03-14-2010, 06:41 PM

Are you kidding me! he sounds like a AMAZING MAN he stepped up to the plate for the kid and is giving that child a stable parent and you are questioning him. wow shame on you. your lucky to have a man like that and that child is so lucky to have the love from a father that didnt have to be.

TNgirl232 · 03-14-2010, 08:38 PM

For all intents and purposes he is the child's father. The biological father was a sperm donor at this point. To want him to cut this child out of his life will harm both of them. I think you need to get over this - its selfish. You are wanting to inflict harm on a child - an INNOCENT child because you don't like his mother. How would you feel if this was your child that someone was wanting to treat this way?

working_it_out · 03-14-2010, 09:14 PM

Being a mother or father isn't just bout who gave you DNA it's about who loves you and is there for you. No child should EVER be held accountable for the actions of their parents. They are innocent in the situation and deserve to be loved and judged for themselves not their mother or father.
Would you want your H to judge your daughter on the actions of your ex? Do you think that is fair to her?
Like it or not this IS his son, maybe not by DNA but by choice which in my opinion is the true test of a parent. Choosing to be one. If you push your H on this you will lose him. Any good parent will ALWAYS chose their child over anyone else.

culinarywonder · 03-14-2010, 10:32 PM

i may not have been clear earlier. it isn't that I am wanting him to part ways. it is that i cannot understand why he would have chosen that path to begin with. the ex only ever caused him heartache and pain. i don't understand why he didn't leave it all behind at the time he found out. the kid was only 12 months old and would have never known the difference or remembered a thing. i'm not heartless. i really don't say anything to him. i keep it to myself. we have also discussed our relationship as man and wife (before we got married) and HE has made it very clear that HE will not let anyone/thing come between us and hurt our relationship, even children. HE said if it came down to it and a child was causing harm to our marriage, he would choose our marriage.

TNgirl232 · 03-14-2010, 11:53 PM

Easy - he loved the child and didn't want to walk out on it just because he didn't share gene's with it. A good man for that.

My question is....what if its one of your children that is causing a wedge between you and your husband....what will you do then? He has made his position clear...is yours the same. Would you choose your husband over your children who's father is non-exsistent?

NightOwl · 03-15-2010, 11:00 AM

For all intents and purposes he is the child's adoptive father. That is just as legitimate a relationship as any other parent/child bond. I think it is very hurtful of you to hold this decision against him. Even if the ex is crazy, he is able to see past that factor and think about the welfare of his son, which is indeed amazing. I think it is very selfish of you to care about your convenience more than his son. This is not about the annoying crazy ex, this is about a human being your husband cares for. Questioning his judgment on this is pretty offensive, he is clearly trying to do the right thing.

Affaircare · 03-16-2010, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by culinarywonder

i may not have been clear earlier. it isn't that I am wanting him to part ways. it is that i cannot understand why he would have chosen that path to begin with. the ex only ever caused him heartache and pain. i don't understand why he didn't leave it all behind at the time he found out. the kid was only 12 months old and would have never known the difference or remembered a thing...

I think I may be able to throw some light on this. What if you found out at 1 year old that your child wasn't really yours? (I realize that as women we have some advantage since the baby comes from our body but use your imagination a little.) You have your child--you think it is beautiful and precious and love him or her--you stay up late nights with feedings--you cuddle him or her when they cry--and when they're sick you rush them to the doctor and worry until the fever breaks. THEN you find out it is not your biological offspring, just as the baby is walking in that bumbling way that baby's do...and smiling and talking baby gibberish that is really getting close to words. Would you say, "Well that kid will never remember me. I'm outta here!"

I think some people may be able to do that, but I am POSITIVE I could not and I would not. At that point, I am the child's mother and love him/her. We have bonded, and adored, and giggled together--thrown baby food and called grandparents when he/she scooted! At that point the person who did donate genetic materials is a donor; I am the child's mother.

Does that make more sense? Even if the ex is a NUT, your husband loved the child and the care of the child comes with the cost of having to put up with "her." So be it--the child is worth it.

Affaircare · 03-16-2010, 08:03 PM

I agree with you 100%! I'm in the exact same situation with an ex that leaves children with us 99% of the time--comes in and out. That's VERY frustrating. That's why I say what I did, because I know why the husband stayed with his child--it's his son!

In real life I don't think the issue here is the child. Shoot the kids are wonderful and children. It's the ex's that make life miserable, take no personal responsibility, behave selfishly, and make you want to pull your hair out!! IF ONLY our husbands could "walk away clean" from women like that. Honestly I kind of gathered that was the real issue.

michzz · 03-17-2010, 09:21 PM

I don't think you are evil for wondering why he did that and wishing that you did not ever, ever, ever have to deal with that vile ex-wife of his.

However, as others pointed out, your husband stepped up and did something good for a child born of terrible decisions made my his sketchy mother.

What I do think is going on is you are insecure about your husband and wondering if he keeps the child so he keeps a connection to that low-class woman.

I sincerely doubt it.

He can no more dismiss this child despite his lack of dna connection than you can ditch your own child.

He is his father in all senses of the word but genetics.

If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say he will be a fine father to your own children and any you had prior to meeting him.

Let go of your insecurities. Appreciate the man you have.

whisper81 · 03-21-2010, 06:01 PM

I'm in a similar situation as the original poster. My fiancee dated a woman 5 years ago who had a 8 month old when they began dating. The relationship lasted only a few months but when they broke up, my fiancee decided to remain in the child's life. He sees his son on a daily basis and is the first person the school calls when he gets sick. He's a great father and the last thing that I would want is for him to stop the relationship that he has with his son. But this has become a point of frustration for me.

Not because of the child but because of his ex. She relies on my fiancee for support, both emotional and financial. Because of her instability, it's hard to separate her "life events" from the well-being of his son. For instance, when we first began dating, she divorced her husband and moved in with my fiancee for a period of time. This is unacceptable by my standards but when she argues that she needs a home for her son, it's hard to argue. She also convinced my fiancee to buy her a car so she could get a job and provide for the child. There have been numerous examples.

I realize that he's a good person and he does this because he cares about his son but I sympathize with the original poster and feel that she is justified in venting and questioning this. Until you are put in a similar situation, it's very hard to explain or fully understand.

squawgirl63 · 07-03-2010, 09:51 AM

I understand exactly how you feel, and you are NOT selfish. The people on here who are calling you selfish need to walk a mile in your shoes, or have their husband's make a lifetime commitment to a child that isn't his, AND HIS PSYCHO EX.

My husband was married to a woman with twins, one of whom has cerebral palsy. He was stupid enough to ADOPT them, and now they are divorced and he's paying child support for THREE KIDS instead of two. Not to mention the twins want absolutely nothing to do with him now (after he raised them for 12 years). His ex-wife is a selfish, greedy cow and uses every opportunity to extort money from my husband. Instead of being grateful that my husband adopted her handicapped son and he has medical insurance that he never would have had otherwise, she wants more, and more and more. This creates so much conflict in my marriage that more often than not I wish I had never met my husband. It's very sad because my husband is a WONDERFUL husband, he just has way more baggage than I can deal with.

I feel your pain.

Atholk · 07-03-2010, 11:19 AM

Basically the men in these examples have displayed weakness and the ability to be suckered by women into being cuckolded in one way or another.

So consequently the next woman that shows up in his life finds that display of weakness highly unattractive and resents the loss of rescources to the other woman.

It may seem harsh and not terribly child-positive, but the best course of action for a man who is facing a trap to raise another man's child is to show no interest in either the child or the mother at all and provide no support of any kind until such time as a paternity test proves that it is his.

Future potential sex partners will always view a man getting cucked as a huge turn off. Note that everyone else will tell the man that he's a hero for "doing the right thing" but he will be much less attractive as a prospect for a future LTR - a subtle but important difference.

The only reason to raise another man's child is an eyes open adoption with your current wife for reasons of infertility or the ophaning of nieces and nephews etc.