How do I put my hurt aside to help my H?

Enough!!! · 03-14-2010, 06:02 PM

For those of you that don't know my background...
I have a H that suffers severe depression. And used this as his excuse to cheat.

My H depression appears to be getting worse. He says he is happier that he has ever been, but he is lower than he has ever been. In one of my past post I described a very dark meltdown that he had. One which scared me to the core. Very disturbing event.

He had another "moment" last week, one that was not quite as bad. But still very confronting. This time he has finally agreed to seek help, and get counselling.

I have been having a very hard time of late, I'm trying to keep my marriage together, keep my H in a safe state of mind, keep my kids happy, work full time, and deal with my own pain of my H betrayal.

I am at a complete loss. I am exhausted. I am not cut out to deal with his depression. I have tried to tell him, I can't help him if he won't help himself. He has now agreed to counselling, but saying he will do it and actually doing it, are too different things.

My main concern at this time is.... I have caught my H, lying to me several times since he cheated. Only small stuff, but how does he expect me to believe it's only little lies. It's like he wants me to believe that he only lies about certain things, but not about the big stuff... like cheating for eg.

Last night we had a fight, primarily because of my insecurities, and partly because I caught him in another lie. He told me he can't deal with my "crap" (being my broken heart brought on by his cheating). He feels my emotional state is adding to his stress. I have spent the past 5 months trying to push my hurt aside to help him. But all's I have done is magnified my pain. I haven't dealt with it properly.
Everything I have asked of him, has been denied. Or he lies and says he will do certain things, then does the opposite.

I know my H has an illness, and I know he needs my support. But I'm tired of being his emotional punching bag. I have so many issues of my own, and so many needs, that just aren't being met. I'm on the verge of tears ALL the time. He has hurt me more than I ever thought would be possible. And I am.. Once again.. expected to put my feelings and needs aside to help him. How can I do both?

He says he loves me, then he has a "moment" and it undoes any progress I feel we have made. I don't want to make his depression any worse. But his depression effects us all. And I have to deal with it on top of everything else. I just don't have the strength. His depression has been going on for years now. How do I believe he is now... finally... going to get the help he needs.

And if I was to be completely honest (be gentle with me here), I am worried that he will come out of counselling with the realisation that it actually is me that makes him depressed. How would I handle that. I would be devastated to discover, that all this time, his illness was my fault.

My H makes me feel worthless, disgusting and repulsive. Not by his words (he says all the right things) but by his actions. Maybe I'm the one depressed!

Has anyone got any clue as to what I am trying to say? I don't know how to handle depression, without making it worse. He says I can't take it personally... but how else do I take it.
I need some help and advice. I can't support us all any more.
I am shattered and alone... in my H dark world!

63Vino · 03-14-2010, 06:11 PM

HI.. maybe ask an expert.. I have a gf who went into depression, not nearly as severly as your H sounds. When i finally had enough of her admiting problem but not getting help, i told her i did not want to be with her anymore and broke up with her. I was kinda suprised how much her outlook actually has changed for the positive. Its possible to actually be an enabler to the depsression!!!

So again,, know this risky especially understanding the "severe" episodes..
If you get some professional help maybe you could get some insight into what works and what is too risky.

BTW.. you're being a SUPER wife. Im sure hard but so sweet at the same time.
Good luck.

all the best

turnera · 03-16-2010, 05:59 PM

I'm sorry, but I have to say that you are enabling him.

Depression or not, he doesn't have the right to dismiss you.

It's time to set some boundaries for protecting yourself. He's a grown man. If he chooses not to honor your boundaries, then you withdraw yourself from his vicinity and let him fall on his own.

You can't MAKE him get better. Only HE can choose that route.

It's time to step back and see if he will stand on his own two feet.

Mommybean · 03-19-2010, 12:19 PM

My H also has depressive issues, and his infidelity was a manifestation of that, as well as his lying and manipulating. The first round with this, he really did not do the work...he still went around blaming me and everyone else for the way his life was. Things improved on the surface, for a while, but less than 2years later, I found myself in the same position I had been in before....acually, it was worse.
When he had his meltdown surrounding this....he was FINALLY able to accept the fact that he needed therapy AND medication. More than that, he stopped pointing his finger at everyone else (including me) and realized that it all stemmed from him. He owned up to his actions, for the first time in his LIFE.
Your H sounds like he is still blaming everyone else and not accepting responsibility for himself. Yes, depression IS a debilitating condition, and it can cause them to act out in such destructive ways, but he has to quit hiding behind it. It's been almost a year now, and my husband is a completely different person. Yes, I stood beside him, but he listenend when I told him he had to finally decide what in his life was worth fighting FOR and quit running away. He had run away from his problems his whole life, and once he stopped, things started falling into place. You can support him without allowing him to control every aspect of your life. Its such a hard position to be in, believe me I was there.
Honestly though, if he has not reached his "bottom" and is not ready to do the work on himself to change, you cannot make him. He may need to NOT have you there to really realize what he is doing. I was lucky, in that it was only the threat of losing what he loved that brought my husband out of this all. You have to think of yourself also, and that may mean making some tough decisions.