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After almost ten years of marriage and two beautiful kids, my wife cheats

90K views 230 replies 63 participants last post by  Tover26 
#1 ·
Hi all,

First let me start with this. My spelling is not very good, although I have a collage degree, I still can't get the hang of spelling.

My wife and I have been married for nine years and some change. We have a two year old and a five year old. We got married for love and waited before bringing children into it. Last night my wife came clean with her cheating. She has been seeing another guy for around 6 months. I'm numb. Have have no idea what to do. She is begging me to stay. All I can think about are my children and how I will never be a true part of their lives. Please someone post up a magic cure for this.....
 
#2 ·
Unfortunately there's no magic cure when your heart is torn out and stomped on. Just time to heal.

There are a number of things in front of you and you're about to get LOADED with advice.

The NUMBER 1 thing to realize right now is you're in shock. You're not going to be thinking with a clear and strategic mind yet that you need to in order to handle such a huge betrayal. So first and foremost...put yourself in the hands of some of the very UNFORTUNATE experts in being a BH.

Number 2. The path to divorce and the path to saving your marriage ARE EXACTLY the same at this stage. You have to put yourself in position of ending your marriage. If you are thinking about saving your marriage, a lot of the advice is going to seem counter productive...it's not. You have to realize that the old marriage you had is dead and gone. YOU have to come to terms with that first, before you can figure out how to handle building the new one.

Third, that path is to detach so you can gain control of yourself again. You need to mentally and emotionally separate yourself from your WW (wayward wife). You need to be indifferent to her (called doing the 180, people will be along to post about it). Even if you want to fix your relationship. You need to fix yourself first in order to do that.

Lastly (for now) you need to realize that your WW cheating is 100% ON HER. DO NOT SAY things like "I wasn't a perfect husband" (ps noone is and their wives don't cheat) "I didn't give her enough attention" (might be true, but why did she cheat instead of telling you and going to counseling etc...there were a million other things she could've done to get your attention besides stuff another man's dingdong inside her). Also it's okay to be PISSED OFF!! If you're not, something is wrong. DO NOT ALLOW YOU OR HER TO PUT BLAME ON YOU!!
 
#4 · (Edited)
Fatheroftwo,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet to fix this.

The first thing you must do is get all the details of the A, and then take the proper steps to make sure it is truly over and cannot be restarted.

Find out, if she has not already told you, the following:

- Who is the POSOM??
- If he is married or has a girlfriend?
- How long has this been going on?
= Why did she choose to confess?

You must expose this POS to his BW/SO if he has one. This will help ensure the A is truly over and help prevent it from restarting by making this scumbag scramble to save his own a** instead of plotting how to bed your WW.

If this was a co-worker, your WW must switch jobs if you are going to have any shot at fixing your M. She cannot have daily contact with POS if you want a shot at this.

If her confession was prompted because POS dumped her, then that means she is turning to you as a Plan B. Not only is this an insult to you that you have to decide if you can live with, it presents the extra danger of the A restarting if POS comes sniffing around again. Hence why you must expose this scumbag and get your WW to switch jobs if its a co-worker

Insist on immediate IC for her so she can begin to figure out why she could have possibly done this horrible thing to you and her family and work on setting personal boundaries to make sure it never happens again.

Insist on complete transparency for her electronic communications. You must have all passwords and the ability to check up on her if necessary until you can trust her again.

Insist on MC so that you two can work on any issues/problems in your M and help with getting through this horrible pile of crap she dumped in the relationship.

Expose the A to both of your families and close friends you have. This will help gain support for your M and help to hold her accountable if she starts blameshifting her A towards you by trying to rewrite the M history to make you seem horrible, and also helps to prevent her from continuing the A or starting another one because everyone is now aware of her actions.
 
#6 ·
Hi,

You need to end the affair or make her leave if she doesn't. Ending it does not mean that she *says* it's ended. Understand that cheaters lie, then lie again, then lie about the lies. You don't have to read many threads on here to realise how outrageous the lies they will tell are.

Find out who the OM is - remember just asking your "wife" is likely to result in a lie, so get evidence. Make sure he knows - in no uncertain terms - that he is no longer to have any contact with your wife.

In the first instance, this should come from her. You need to check she has done this by email, letter, text, whatever. I would back this up with clear contact from you.

Once this has been done, you should set boundaries.

This is very, very early days. Do yourself a favour and read some stories (mine is in my sig). You will go through a roller coaster of emotions and experiences.

Whatever she has told you, imagine the worst case scenario:it will be true.

Good luck, and keep posting.
 
#8 ·
what is her motive for confessing? Was she about to be outed? Did the OM dump her? If these are the reasons she confessed, you are plan B. Dont be plan B.

If she confessed because of guilt or she wants to make the marriag work, then you have something to work with.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#9 ·
Make sure not to rugs weep the affair.

One good way is to make sure you expose the affair to the other mans wife - do this all on your own, Don't tell your wife you are going to do it, don't believe her is she says the wife knows, or is crazy, or that he's not married.

Next, the situation that let them meet and have contact has to end. If they work together, you wife leaves the job, or the club or the web.

Next, dont forgive before she's actually made changes and has actually ended the affair.

Make sure to put checks like voice activated recorders on place to cach the affair continuing.
 
#11 ·
My wife and I had a couple fights about the guy she was/is sleeping with. She lied when I confronted her about all the late night texts. She said it was just friends and communication is required as they were on the same team in school. She quit her job to go back to school. Fast forward about five weeks and I happen to see an email from the guy with "Love you" inclosed. At this point there is no reason for the contact as they are no longer going to the same collage. She final admits to a emotional affair, and after three days of working it out. I ask for her phone so I can "recover" some of the old texts. (She was sexting as well) She finally comes clean.... I think? How should I know at this point????

Well after finding out about the the actual affair. I confronted the guy and his wife (they have a 8 year old son too.) I was as polite as possible and broke no laws. knocked on the door and just talked to his wife. She is in denial, he denied everything and said I was a lair. I had my wife record her confession on my phone for her.

I guess I might have reacted, but I needed to tell his wife and I was afraid of how thing might play out after the numbness wore off.
 
#14 ·
Post him on cheaterville
Share the sext messages from her phone with his wife
Get tested for stds take care of your health
If you have interest in r, insist on a polygraph. Spend a few minutes on google and you will find places near you and costs. Pay attention to her reaction and follow thru. Expect a parking lot confession. Hint cheaters are liars. Your wife is no different.

Google paternity test for your kids. You need to check them. It is cheap easy and painless she does not need to participate. Pm me if you need help

See a lawyer to check your options

Put very little on her words. Pay attention to her actions. She will continue to contact om if for no other reason that to set their stories.

Good luck
Wd
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#21 ·
Cheaters thrive in a world when the affair is "separate" from their "real life".

When exposed to their spouse, they pay a bunch of "marriage consequences", but not a lot of "social consequences". If the other spouse agrees to try to make it work, they basically have the opportunity to start cheating again or never stop.

When outed publicly (i.e. to their parents, the other betrayed spouse), it's now a thing, not hidden. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The more light, the quicker they die. They are the guilty party who may have caused the divorce, the split time where grandkids don't see grandparents, the trouble, etc.
 
#24 ·
You need to look long-term on some issues. You could divorce and that is a good option. You could try to work it out with her.

So she made you number two. She did many things with great motivation to cheat on you and deceive you. She put a lot of effort and thought into what she did with the OM. How can she make it up to you? And what are the consequences of cheating? If you do work it out with her, what will stop her from cheating again on you? What are the consequences? Get an agreement that if you do reconcile, that if she cheats again, she gets nothing in the divorce. Has she stopped all contact? Has she given you all her passwords? Has she planned things for you with more energy and love than she did for her AP?
 
#25 ·
Why the parents? This is exposure. When your wife was and still maybe involved in this A, she may have felt some guilt but she was in the land of Rainbows and Unicorns with this POS OM. Exposure if you intend to R will help insure she stays on the straight and narrow path since you, her parents and others will be giving her the WTF. If you decide to D then you have everyone on the same page and no rewriting of history to make you the bad guy

I have not seen anyone tell you this yet but you need to tell your wife to get tested for STD's and you need to go as well. You may be tempted to believe her when she says it was always protected sex but lets be real she has been lying to you and spread her legs for another man. No trusting anything at this point.

You need get yourself into IC right away. No matter what you need to realize your old marriage is dead and it will not come back to life. It took me a long to wake up to that fact. If you do R then it will be done by building a new marriage.

Also what ever you believed about your wife that is gone as well. She chose to sleep with someone else, you did not force her she was not raped and that is really hard to deal with, I know.

I am sorry you are going through this nightmare if you listen to the advice here and get some help you will get through this quicker and healthier. Most of us fought the advice and it cost us.

Cheaters have a playbook and they follow it. So does healing.
 
#26 ·
Quoting Master Kan: You have done well grasshopper.

Can we get a short timeline here for clarity?
Approx Class start?
Approx EA start?
Approx PA start?
Approx number of times?
DDay EA confession date
How long until she "came clean" date
Where? (generically)

You should be able to get the above answers.

As far as more ethereal answers like "what were you feeling?" Females compartmentalize to a massive degree. She is likely telling the truth when she says I dont know.

As for reconciling... Too early to tell. Ive seen better (RTBP's wife) Ive seen worse. (See poster Unkn0wn, Hard to detach or oh jeez who was the dude whose wife was banging her boss who moved away who never stopped pining for him. Or for that matter who is that army dude who wont get his daughter DNA tested tho the timing is MUCH better for the OM?)

As for is it still going on?: Here are is the standard set of instructions I copy paste. You might be past alot of it but here it is:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar?

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat.

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

IMHO the best path is two vars for verification and a poly test to force a parking lot confession.
 
#40 ·
Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.
I wished I had known all about this when my h started his affair. This amazes me. You should be for hire!
 
#27 ·
Oh and echoing.

Its not your fault
DONT chase her

Dont blame yourself. Ive never seen a class given that explains how to deal with an affair.

You are among brothers and a few sisters who know what you feel. Turnera, Ele and Alte to name a few can provide good female insight.
 
#28 ·
I'm curious why all of the sudden she has confessed. Had I not played detective and found proof of my wifes affair, she would have went to her grave and never told me.

Which is why we are separated today. She is only and will only ever be sorry for getting caught, and not the 8 month long affair itself.

The road you have just turned onto is long and painful. But it is an experiancing one. Whichever path you choose may actually end up the better one for you in the long run. Goodluck!
 
#29 ·
Exposing the affair is like slicing open a necrotic puss filled wound. It exposes the corruption to the light and air, makes the wayward take responsibility for what they have done, and levels the playing field to an extent. The pressure she will feel from family and friends may override whatever lingering affections she has for the other man.

Do not forgive your wife.....yet. Make her earn your forgiveness. She should be moving heaven and earth to make you feel like you are number 1, and not her fallback option. If she is not doing this then her desire for true reconciliation is not real.

She needs intensive independent counseling to get to the heart of why she allowed her boundaries to fall. She needs to learn techniques for self control and how to affair proof her marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#30 ·
Exposing the A kills the fantasy. Once the fantasy is over the A is usually over too.

Once the A is over it doesn't mean the M is saved. It only clears the way for the two of you to decide if there is something left to save without a third party confusing the situation.
 
#31 ·
She claims after the excitement of the cheat wore off she wasn't as interested and started ling to him as well. She claims (I doubt) that she wanted to end it before I found out. She has given me full access to all devices, and has confirmed that no condom was used.

One minute I feel like I can do this, We can recover and grow, the next..... Well I see no hope. Trying to find a counselor to see us.

She confessed when I wanted her Iphone to recover deleted text messages. I showed her how well it worked on a old phone and asked for her......
 
#32 ·
She claims after the excitement of the cheat wore off she wasn't as interested and started ling to him as well. She claims (I doubt) that she wanted to end it before I found out. She has given me full access to all devices, and has confirmed that no condom was used.

One minute I feel like I can do this, We can recover and grow, the next..... Well I see no hope. Trying to find a counselor to see us.

She confessed when I wanted her Iphone to recover deleted text messages. I showed her how well it worked on a old phone and asked for her......
This is a long journey and you are only beginning...your wife has done incalculable damage to you, your marriage and your entire family..don't rush to R or D but decide what is best for YOU now..her needs at this point don't matter..she's made her bed now she can lay in it...

When cheaters don't use birth control I'd like to know what the hell they were thinking...really..cheating is bad enough now you expose your spouse to STDs or becoming pregnant with the AP's child....:slap:
 
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#34 ·
tubes tied and a vasectomy, a cheating match made in heaven.

I don't think she has realized that the other guy could have done this before to other people. The idea that she has brought home diseases is simply too much for me to think about right now.

My biggest concern is how we hold it together for our two kids. Our olds (5 years) knows something is up.....
 
#37 ·
tubes tied and a vasectomy, a cheating match made in heaven.

I don't think she has realized that the other guy could have done this before to other people. The idea that she has brought home diseases is simply too much for me to think about right now.

My biggest concern is how we hold it together for our two kids. Our olds (5 years) knows something is up.....
She needs to be tested for STD's unfortunately STDs do not wait for you to be ready....your wife has to start doing some serious heavy lifting...
 
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