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After almost ten years of marriage and two beautiful kids, my wife cheats

90K views 230 replies 63 participants last post by  Tover26 
#1 ·
Hi all,

First let me start with this. My spelling is not very good, although I have a collage degree, I still can't get the hang of spelling.

My wife and I have been married for nine years and some change. We have a two year old and a five year old. We got married for love and waited before bringing children into it. Last night my wife came clean with her cheating. She has been seeing another guy for around 6 months. I'm numb. Have have no idea what to do. She is begging me to stay. All I can think about are my children and how I will never be a true part of their lives. Please someone post up a magic cure for this.....
 
#35 ·
I think it is normal to feel torn in both directions like this OP.

You want to reconcile for the sake of the love you have for your children, and even that which you have for your traitorous wife.

On the other hand (and I don't think there is ever really a way to get around this problem for a man) choosing to stay with a WW and reconcile always involves swallowing a bitter pill of a blow to your pride and ego. She has s**t all over you and your love for her, and you are extending her another chance instead of standing up for yourself and taking actions to defend your own self-respect.

That's why so many guys take this so hard. It almost takes on the aura of self-hatred to allow her to get away with doing this to you.

Some guys can fight through this feeling and find a way back to fixing their battered marriage.

Others can't and have to walk away to be able to live with themselves.

This is so new to you, that of course you feel pulled in both directions on a daily basis.
 
#39 ·
Stay because you still want the marriage and your wife. If you're doing it for the kids, divorce and move on.

Growing up with 2 unhappy parents is not a good thing for kids to go through, I know. Not my own marriage but my parents, my uncles, family, etc...The generation prior to ours (we're 1st gen to the US) men cheated, it was the norm, it was accepted, the wives knew it, the wives stayed no matter what. It was all about family for the wives.

Protect your man and family above all else. Adultery, abuse, etc...it was rampart with almost any family. To us it was the norm (luckily my father wasn't an abuser), just part of life.

My mom stayed for us kids and she's been through alot. I guess the women from that generation really are old school, just like women from the 50's here in the US.

Took just 1 gen though for the girls to realize you don't have to stay. But also took 1 gen to wives to cheat like jack rabbits on their husbands too. So it cuts both ways.
 
#44 ·
It is very likely they will take the affair underground.

Listen to Weightlifter's advice.

So far, you seem to have played things well. It's how your wife acts is now the acid test, but first you need to make 100% sure that the affair is over.

Your feelings will be on a rollercoaster for many, many months. You are deep in shock. It is probably the most traumatic thing you will ever experience.

What is your wife doing? How is she acting? Is she answering your questions? What is her demeanor?
 
#52 ·
Just catching up. This :iagree:

Many cheaters hedge their bets using kids or finances as a way to keep you in their pocket.

I would guess that most cheaters feel that they won't get caught, and if they do, they have a very "nice" spouse that won't divorce them anyway.

Sorry man. This sucks. You have been given great advice by the previous posters.

Most of us have lived this experience too. Spend some time reading the countless threads, and you begin to realize that there is almost always a predictable pattern.
 
#49 ·
First of all, get STD tested yourself and tell your wife you will not be having sex with her until she shows you in writing the results of HER STD tests.

Secondly, DO NOT make any permanent decisions for at least 6 months. It takes 2-5 years to recover from being cheated on.

DO NOT take kicking her out off the table. She will use this against you. You are NOT ruining your daughters life if you kick her cheating mother to the curb - STOP thinking that way. I took my kids 4 mos 2 yrs and 4 yrs and left my cheating first husband, and today they are wonderful adults, very well adjusted and contributing members of society. Doing what's best does NOT mean you're ruining your daughters life, and by saying you would be doing that, you're implying that people like myself who did what they needed to and DID so, ruined their childrens lives. Just stop.

The fact that your wife is not begging you and willing to do ANYTHING to please you right now speaks volumes. She is NOT remorseful. She's just sorry she got caught, and she's waiting for you to let your guard down so she can resume what she was doing. Do NOT believe a single word she says right now.

A couple of links for you

My Story

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
 
#58 ·
To add to all of this, cheaters lie. What if she starts up again? What if she decides she loves this man and you come home to an empty house and no kids? The bank account is drained, credit cards are maxed out, and her parents love the new guy.

You think it can't happen? Think again. It happens all too often. I get it that you don't want to ruin your kid's life. You won't your wife will and started to already.

Exposure to her family, your family, the guy's family is all to kill this affair. Post the guy on cheaterville.com. If you are going to try to work things out with your wife don't post her.

But, don't let her know what you are doing when you expose. If your wife is truely sorry, then now is the time to get everything from her.

Don't move out and don't kick her out.

It will suc* big time for a while. We have been there and some of us are working on our M. It is not fun and games my friend.

My wife lied to me so many times over the past years it is just sickening. She told me she ended her affair, she did not. I continued. I could tell you all kinds of sick things she did to me. i went through over a year of hel*, bought a second home, etc all the while she was lying to me and I thought she was sincere.

She is now on the straight and narrow, confessed everything. I had to prove some of it and she was telling me the truth this time.

We are very jaded here. Very suspicious group. But we went through it and are still going through it. And we learned the hard way. Some of us did not listen, did not want to believe what we were being told and got burnt in the process, came back and learned.

Take your time but if your wife is sincere she will give you everything you need and things can work out. But do not let her off the hook and do not let your children dictate what you do or do not do. Your wife can turn that around in a minute. If she takes the kids then what? If she leaves you with the kids and goes off to Japan, then what? Think it can't happen then think again.
 
#59 ·
Good job tracking your intuition through the EA part to confession in just 3 days. Nice. Took my wife 9 months.

Good job confronting the other man's wife. That's exactly what I was hoping to see you say.

So she confessed because she probably knew you were about to catch her. While not as strong as her ending it on her own, it's a lot stronger than what a lot of us have seen our wayward spouses do.

So far, you're doing the right stuff. I have two young daughters as well. Tread lightly with your wife around the kids and try to limit confrontations to when they aren't around.

Fasten your seat belt because your life is going to be a roller coaster for some time. But, you'll make it through this. You're strong enough and you have two kids who need you to be strong for them.
 
#67 ·
How can she prove it? I posted a link to my story earlier - read it. My husband is one of the very few truly remorseful cheating spouses on here. Also, the only way she can prove it is through time. It's a very gradual process. Right now, at the beginning, she SHOULD be willing to chop off her left tit for you if you ask. She should be offering to let you see every single thing she does on her phone and computer, for you to track her via GPS, for you to go everywhere with her, whatever it takes. If she doesn't offer and you ask, she should be very apologetic that she didn't offer it herself. She should NEVER balk at such requests - that is a huge red flag if she does.

As time goes on your need to track and spy will diminish, but she still must never close you out, ever again. She should WANT you to snoop, because that will prove to you she's being a good girl. And if she falters even one teeny tiny bit, she has to come to you first.

Has anyone mentioned a no contact letter to OM yet?
 
#68 ·
Okay. Just read the thread. Yeah, fasten your seatbelt. I feel for you when you said that sometimes you feel like things will work out and other times you don't. You're going to feel a lot of different things. You're going to hear and read a lot of different things as well.

At the end of the day, you and your wife came together as a family for a variety of reasons. Divorce and separation are a lot easier to do when kids aren't involved but here's a truth you can verify for yourself... divorce rates are very high. If you leave, you have no guarantee that any of this gets better and in the meantime, your feelings and thoughts about the Affair will still be there.

I'm with Bandit on this one. You need to verify that she is telling the truth. As time passes with verified truth, you still won't trust her, but maybe you get to a place where the passage of time feels safe. The farther you get from her lying, the more clarity you and she will both have.

I didn't get to have any of that but I sure prayed for it. My verifications led to more bad stuff. I did the polygraph. We have a postnup now. The consequences and sacrifices to me personally have been brutal and I pray to God that someday I'll feel it was worth it. Amazingly, when I feel broken and spent and shattered into pieces, there is a resevoir inside that gets me to work that keeps me going. I have to believe that it means Something; if it means nothing at all then I chose to force it to mean that my daughters will have a normal childhood... and that got me through some very dark times.

My daughters were 9 and 5 when, in front of them, my wife demanded a divorce in response to my questioning some suspicious behaviors. They remember it, but both of them (like most kids) are surprisingly resilient. Even if it isn't safe, warm, and trusting with your spouse, if you can have it be that way between you and your kids, then at least they win. And, yes,... you'll choke on the hypocrisy of your wife spending quality time with the kids.

If nothing else, the most sensical thing I've seen on your thread is to verify what she is telling you about it. After that, don't victimize yourself by jumping to permanent and lasting decisions right now. Your wife wasn't thinking clearly about your family during her affair and - in a cruel twist of fate for you as the betrayed - your ability to think clearly is devastated. Give yourself time. Find a safe place. I have a few places that have always felt safe to me. I'm in such a place right now writing this. My wayward wife is revieiwing homework with my daughters. The youngest is riding her bike and I can hear her yelling to her sister from the street. The oldest is tattle telling because neither have practiced piano. For right now, I feel safe. My daughters don't know my wife cheated. This moment between them in a family that loves them would not be possible had I left 2 years ago.
 
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#69 ·
She proves it like my wife has done since May. By word, actions and deeds. Also I have put a VAR in her car from time to time, and had her phone's GPS activated and insist she has it on her at all times. Not 100%, and there have been some anxious days when the GPS did not work due to lack of signal. But she has been very open with where she is and being totally accountable.
 
#72 ·
She can prove it by her reaction to your consequences. Will she confess to both your parents? Will she leave for the weekend so you can think clearly? Is she willing to call the om wife to apologize? Would she sign a post nump? Woild she toss anything she wore during her affair? Would she do all these things without blameshifting onto you? Most importantly did she come up with these things on her own? It is her job to fix this.
 
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