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After almost ten years of marriage and two beautiful kids, my wife cheats

90K views 230 replies 63 participants last post by  Tover26 
#1 ·
Hi all,

First let me start with this. My spelling is not very good, although I have a collage degree, I still can't get the hang of spelling.

My wife and I have been married for nine years and some change. We have a two year old and a five year old. We got married for love and waited before bringing children into it. Last night my wife came clean with her cheating. She has been seeing another guy for around 6 months. I'm numb. Have have no idea what to do. She is begging me to stay. All I can think about are my children and how I will never be a true part of their lives. Please someone post up a magic cure for this.....
 
#83 · (Edited)
OP,

What is she telling you about how this POS managed to meet your son?

Did he come to your house"

And what is she saying for how he miraculously ended up in two of her classes at the new school?

How did that happen if she is not still in communication with him?

This POS needs to be put on notice that if he doesn't stop interfering in your family, you are gonna do everything possible to ensure he regrets it for the rest of his life.
 
#86 ·
Ok, maybe some clarification. I suspected my wife of cheating and approached her about the texting (all that I had at the time). She transferred schools not due to him but for more classes. I confront her again three days ago after seeing an "Love you" email, she claims a emotional affair. She claims she breaks it off with him. I ask for the phone to verify. She breaks down and tells me everything.... well almost......
They had sex, there was sexting, he came to our house and they had sex in my bed.

Then later, as we continue to talk over the course of the day. She finally tells me two more pieces of the puzzle. He transferred with her and they share two classes and been sleeping before and after class. And my son was asleep when he came over.

At this point I'm done digging. There is nothing else that would really shock me or make it worse. It is obvious to me she fell in love with this guy with no end in site. She claims to have given him up, but I don't believe her. She her self is going to recover the texts and show me how they ended it. As she thinks it will help. She says she does not want to go to school anymore. But more over I can not control her ever second. If she wants to be with him, fine. If she want to stay with me, then I will try too.
 
#117 ·
This is very reasonable.
When I got married my wife hated the bed we had because it was mine when I was single. I planned to buy a new one but since I only knew her for 6 months before marrying her, I don't get a chance.
Well, I came home one day and she had taken it outside and slashed it to pieces with a butcher knife....we slept on the floor till I bought a new bed, haha! I'm just glad I wasn't in it when she did that. I'm sure that had I cheated in that bed it might be me in the yard, slashed!

Get rid of it no matter what it cost!!! Money can't matter at this time.
 
#96 ·
While you deciding to R or D you can keep busy this weekend doing clean up.

1. New bed & sheets
2. She'll likely have bought new underwear etc for him. Get a tray bag and dump any thing she bought during the affair and anything she wore for him - lingerie, shoes, clothes, perfume, make up.
3. Any gifts he gave her - dumpster
4. She needs to book an std test
5. She needs to book a polygraph
6. She needs to start sending out resumes and find a job
7. You, post OM on cheaterville.com
 
#119 ·
I'd have her dump every single pair of undergarments... the whole underwear drawer, right into a trash can.. you can go with her to buy her some fresh ones.. and the bed, I made the mistake of not pissing on it before they took it away. Don't make that mistake.. Toss any jewelry that you're not sure where it came from (if it's gold, pawn it).. Tell her to quit her job... She makes the dr. appts to get tested for STDs.. Listen to Shaggy, he knows what he's speaking about. You need these things to happen for R.

I also rearranged the bedroom, move the bed to the other side of the room, throw some stuff away.. I bought new curtains the day I tossed the bed, so when she came over she could see that it was MY bedroom, no longer hers. Moving furniture feels good.. throwing crap out, also feels good... break some stuff (only cheap stuff and don't get hurt) :eek:, I ripped up some wedding photos.
 
#99 ·
Bringing him into your house, having sex with him in your bed, with your kids home - this is a sign of deep-seated resentment or hatred of you by your wife. Are you sure she was "in love" with this guy and not just "in hate" with you?

Most cheaters still have some modicum of respect for their spouses, so they won't bring the affair partner into their own home. When the cheater does bring the affair partner into the home to have sex in the marital bed, usually it is much, much more than just being "in love" with the affair partner or wanting to have sex with the affair partner - usually, it is more about hurting the spouse, desecrating the home (even if subconsciously).
 
#104 ·
What actions has she taken so far?

What has she done to make you trust her?

Leave out any crying, apologizing, begging, promises, etc., and tell me what ACTIONS?

Did she quit school? Give you her phone because she doesn't want you to wonder if she still is in contact? Delete her Facebook? Delete her email and say she'll share yours? Handwrite a no contact letter to this guy? Get tested for STDs and pregnancy?
 
#107 ·
By the way, you are doing well. You are further along than most of us probably were at this point in starting to see your wife a little more objectively.

You had an image of what your wife was like in your head. It seemed like the truth, everything she said and did was consistent with the image you had of her. Now, she has done something completely inconsistent with that image you had of her. It turns out, your image of her was not quite accurate.

I suspect she might have a lot of hostility toward you. If the cheater is that much in love with other man, she won't toss him aside so easily, or even put on an act that she doesn't love him.

Which leaves me with the question, if it wasn't love of him, was it hate of you?
 
#113 ·
By the way, you are doing well. You are further along than most of us probably were at this point in starting to see your wife a little more objectively.

You had an image of what your wife was like in your head. It seemed like the truth, everything she said and did was consistent with the image you had of her. Now, she has done something completely inconsistent with that image you had of her. It turns out, your image of her was not quite accurate.

I suspect she might have a lot of hostility toward you. If the cheater is that much in love with other man, she won't toss him aside so easily, or even put on an act that she doesn't love him.

Which leaves me with the question, if it wasn't love of him, was it hate of you?
I agree, but the only way to find out is time. As of now she is doing everything I ask with no hesitation. It could be hate of me. Her cheating is a pretty good indicator of that. She swears it's not hate, but what else is she going to say to that question.



We together, recovered the text messages. not all of them were there, but what was there lined up with what she said happened. Also the number showed up as unknown, I copied the number down, so it looked like she deleted his contact. There is one email account that I have not seen yet and it is the school email account that they both go to. We spent some time trying to log in but she could not remember the password as she clams she never uses it. We have to contact IT to fix it. I will be there when it first opens. I expect the worst give how everything has gone so far. But who knows, maybe it will be packed full of junk email that has not been read sense she got the account. Her story is, she does not use the account. I look at it as one more possable lie.

I also contested the guys wife again, updating her on the class sharing and possible STD's. God knows what she is going through right now.
 
#121 ·
Still use a var as you cannot know if she has a burner phone. Her quitting school will not stop her cheating. She has no qualms about bringing him to your house and fvcking him in your marital bed with the kids there. Nice girl.

Paternity test the kids.
Polygraph to find out how many other men she has shared your marital bed with.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Do not be surprised if she did things with om that she will or has not done with you in bed.

Stay strong. Good luck

Post him to cheaterville.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#123 ·
Why use the marriage bed? Because it is the bed in her room! She has all her lady stuff there.

And if she had said: "We can't do it here, it's the bed I share with my husband," that would have blown the affair to pieces, as she would have had to acknowledge to herself that she was cheating.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#126 ·
She says they came to my house because all there other meeting felt rushed. They wanted some quality time together. She clams it felt strange and uncomfortable. I of course DO NOT believe it only happened once. Which throws her "uncomfortable" lie in with the dozens and dozens of other trickled truth lies...... At this point I have gave up trying to find out more. She loves him and needs to decide what she wants. THEN I will decide. I think if she knows there is a chance that she could "choose" me but I wont choose her, she will be more likely to fallow her heart.
 
#124 ·
FOT

Do you have a good job? Generically where in CA?

(socal, Greater SF, Sacramento,bigfoot country...)

Agree with one big thing. Job and new bed/bedding.

I would DONATE the items however (not the mattresses). Once laundered they are just sheets and headboards. They will make some money for Goodwill and someone in even worse shape than you will get a (?Fairly nice?) headboard.

Eeesh The bed thing is bad bad bad. One thing I will credit RDMUs wife (A thread I was heavily involved in) with is refusing Bob access to the marital bed.
 
#127 ·
I am sorry you are here brother. Your wife does not seem to be doing the heavy lifting, being transparent, answering every question etc... Do you believe she is telling you the whole truth? If not, the trickle truths that she is giving you will end your marriage. You will go into a false recovery.

Your wife did a very bad thing which could cost you your family and mess up your kids. You need to be firm and strong although it is very hard to do.

This whole crap about wanting to let her figure out what she wants to do with her life. The easiest way to help her find herself is to pack her bags, put them on the lawn and go tell her to live with her parents until she realizes that she is not a child any more.

File for divorce, separate your finances! You may have a chance to save your marriage but being the nice understanding guy is not the way. She will lose respect for you there and then you are doomed. She knows she did a bad thing. You don't need to punish her but you do need to be firm and strong and tell her how it is going to be and the first moment she gets wishy washy, hand her the divorce papers.

You also need to let her know you love her. You love her but without your self respect you can't be with her.
 
#130 ·
I am sorry you are here brother. Your wife does not seem to be doing the heavy lifting, being transparent, answering every question etc... Do you believe she is telling you the whole truth? If not, the trickle truths that she is giving you will end your marriage. You will go into a false recovery.

Your wife did a very bad thing which could cost you your family and mess up your kids. You need to be firm and strong although it is very hard to do.

This whole crap about wanting to let her figure out what she wants to do with her life. The easiest way to help her find herself is to pack her bags, put them on the lawn and go tell her to live with her parents until she realizes that she is not a child any more.

File for divorce, separate your finances! You may have a chance to save your marriage but being the nice understanding guy is not the way. She will lose respect for you there and then you are doomed. She knows she did a bad thing. You don't need to punish her but you do need to be firm and strong and tell her how it is going to be and the first moment she gets wishy washy, hand her the divorce papers.

You also need to let her know you love her. You love her but without your self respect you can't be with her.

I would love to do this, but it is easier said than done. What do I do with my kids? They go with her? NO.
 
#133 ·
The longer you wait on confronting her about the whole what she wants crap, the longer you give her to detach from you, convince herself that the kids will be ok if she leaves and ruin your chances to see your kids every Christmas, Thanksgiving etc...

Call her parents, expose her to them and ask if she can stay with them. Pack her bags and file for divorce. You are being treated like choice B. She is in contact with the OM most likely. She will contact him again most definitely. Earn her respect now or you will lose. If she is BS you CALL her on it. TRUST your GUT!
 
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