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After almost ten years of marriage and two beautiful kids, my wife cheats

90K views 230 replies 63 participants last post by  Tover26 
#1 ·
Hi all,

First let me start with this. My spelling is not very good, although I have a collage degree, I still can't get the hang of spelling.

My wife and I have been married for nine years and some change. We have a two year old and a five year old. We got married for love and waited before bringing children into it. Last night my wife came clean with her cheating. She has been seeing another guy for around 6 months. I'm numb. Have have no idea what to do. She is begging me to stay. All I can think about are my children and how I will never be a true part of their lives. Please someone post up a magic cure for this.....
 
#142 ·
You are making a mistake in my opinion letting her take time to mask the decision of if she loves him.

You're giving her the control and it makes you look weak and unattractive.

It also says you are willing to compete with the OM for her.

You want to be the one setting the terms, bit waiting to be given then.

This isn't dating , this is married and kids and grown up commitments.

You set the terms for her getting the chance, not the guarantee, but only the chance to stay with you.

1. Affair ends
2. Exposure happens
3. Polygraph happens
4. Fill transparency from now on happens. Including where she is being verified with photos that have a GPS location and time.
5. Her clothes get purged
6. Gifts get purged
7. No contact letter gets written
8.,std tests
9. She leaves school and gets a job to pay her loan
10. She self exposes to her side of the family and to mutual friends - this is her owning up to her betrayal
11. OM goes up on cheaterville.

Take any kind of waiting for her to decide on him off the table. If you catch her not choosing you every time, tell her to get in the car and you will right now dump her at his place.

Tell her and yourself, this isn't about you accepting being plan B. because you won't accept that. Right now this is entirely about her earning through actions the chance to stay, and even that may be taken off the table and YOU may decide you can't forgive her and will seek D.

Make her earn you, don't just give it to her as an option she can choose from.
 
#145 ·
Father of two

You need someone you can trust locally to help you think straight.

Someone said this to you on the first page. Trust me/us we know you can't think straight.. We have all been there and some still are there..

But you cannot wait to see what she wants.. You need to decide if you want this as well. What you're your letting her know right now is that you will put up with her sh1t of making a choice..

This will happen again.. TRUST ME... I'm a 4x time looser to this.. You don't want to do this 4x before she really decides to leave you.

What will happen is she will realize as well how bad it is for her and she will pretend to love you and wait until the kids get older.. Like my wife did..

You will put her through school, she will get that great job and then 10 years later leave you.. Like my wife did.

But until then you will see her chatting with someone and fight about it and you will go back to therapy and she will say I'm sorry and all will be good.

But in the end she will leave..

You think or assume your wife will leave and take the kids.. So did I..

She just left.. The kids are with me..

Again as was mentioned on the first page of this thread. The road for recovery and divorce are exactly the same.

If your wife does not see that you are ready to dump her and that she needs to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT to get back your love and trust.. You will never, never, never fix this right.. You will both be limping along in this broken marriage..

Again as was said in the first page of this thread. Your OLD MARRIAGE is gone.. You can still be married, but it will be new and IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.

I know this stuff is so crazy to understand and accept right now. Your crying when your alone, your crying when she is there. Your crying in your car.. Man trust me I understand.. I can't tell you how many times I had to pull over on the side of the road just to cry. I had to walk into our server room at work to cry or into the property room to cry. People knew, they just let me cry and would ask after I walked out if I was okay..

Trust me I/we feel your pain.

But if you want her and you love her and I know you do.. You need to be a stone cold killer right now..

She needs to be crying to you, to her family.. She needs to be grabbing the bottom of your pants crying with snot dripping out of her nose onto your sneakers, begging you to tell her what to do to fix this.. She needs to be acting like she just seen God..

The 180 is listed in my signature along with some other info.. You could read the first 5 pages of my thread labeled my mistake as well to see what not to do. I failed miserably.

But I will say you're doing good compared to me honestly..

You just need to be really tougher then you normally would be. This has to be something she has never seen in you.. Something she will never forget.

What is the other wife saying ?? Is she crying ? I'm just trying to gauge if he has done this in the past..
 
#146 ·
Until the affair is dead for sure, do not let her go anywhere. That just gives her freedom to contact the OM.

As for fear, that's natural, but it's also your enemy because it will get you to try to negotiate down the consequences she needs to face.

Face it you already hit bottom here. She cheated in your own bed. Even being a single divorced guy is a huge step up from where you were at when she chose to invite the OM into your bed to have sex with him.

So stop listening to the fear and doubt. No matter what you do it'll be better than when she chose to do that.
 
#148 ·
I thought he outted the OM to the OMW... if not, that's another step.. that keeps the OM busy and hopefully away from the wife, or makes him available which is pretty unattractive now.. and any contact, would be a dealbreaker that she should be aware of and afraid for her life that the OM will contact her. It also makes you feel a tiny tiny little bit good knowing that you f'd up his life a little too..
 
#147 ·
Have you read Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Kay Athol?

If not get it ASAP and get reading, it has a lot of gold about male-female attraction and relationship dynamics. It will help you here.

It's not about sex, it's about what makes a relationship tick and thrive, and about how men mess things up by being followers instead of leading.
 
#152 ·
Don't make any decisions for a minimum of 30 days. Give yourself that time to not even think about a decision in either direction. Just watch your wifes actions durring that time.

I would refuse to sleep in that bed, and make replacing it her issue. She soiled it, let her find a way to replace it. If she really wants R bad she will want you in bed with her, and that means doing anything she can to replace that bed.
 
#153 ·
Telling her to go to her parents isn't the end of things. Have you read my story, that i posted a link to earlier? I kicked my husband out on D day and let him move back in 5 months later. 3 years later now and our marriage is thriving. But it all depends on her actions in the interim.
 
#154 ·
She refuses to leave the kids. Sadly I kinda agree. Maybe that is why she refuses, I'm weak in this way when it comes to my children. My daughter is a very passionate little girl and she does not do well being away from ether one of us for long.

She says she will do anything but leave her kids. I informed her that if we divorce the kids will be not be with her mother all the time anyway.
 
#155 ·
Sorry you are here. The exact conundrum of the BH. You can't legally throw them out, they have to want to leave (as you can demand and ask all you want, but they will only leave when they want to) and they never want to leave the kids and you don't want them gone from you as well, and generally the community is on the side of the mother and believe that the children will fair better with them, unless the mother is drug abuser, felon committer, etc, you know the most heinous of heinous stuff.

Best of your luck, just don't let her make decisions for you that you will later regret. Do what you feel is best for you.
 
#157 ·
Also know that even with your numbers tied together to the same accounts, and certain settings mirror'd on the phones, you will at best see her iMessage, and get her call and text log off of the provider's detailed billing, but everything will not be delivered to your phone, so you may never know if you are thinking that you have covered that part (unless you truly had the phones cloned, which is illegal and not easy to do).
 
#166 · (Edited)
Counseling is fine as long as the affair is over.

You have not confirmed that yet. If she is still in contact with the OM and they have taken the affair submarine, no counseling in the world will make any difference.

Stay in contact with the other man's wife daily, come up with a plan on how the two of you can join resources to make sure this A is over. Offer her your help and a shoulder to cry on. She sounds like she is in awful pain like you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#168 ·
I emailed her yesterday and she has responded today. She still believes me and clams the her husband told her everything (made me laugh) said she already knew about about the condoms, and the school. She clams he will not be attending school anymore. I will confirm this.

She also asked me to not contact her in any form again. I'm sad for the loss of the only other real person that understands, and the potential allies we could have become. but I also know what she is going through.

As I type this, My daughter just made me a picture for my "new" room..... Oh god...
 
#167 ·
Is there anyone at the school that you can confide in?

It would be great if you could ask about her email account at school. It seems really 'convenient' that she can't remember that password. I would think that email is used all the time for communication at school. I know it is for my daughters who are in university.

I feel this is a huge lie and I am betting that there is a bunch more 'truth' in that email account.
 
#170 ·
No, I am not going to school with her, nor know anyone else there.
It seems that way to me about the account too. On the other hand I watch all(I think) of her email activities first hand sitting next to her and she used her personal account for homework.

Triggered pain almost over I can whip my tears and come out of my hiding spot from my daughter..... Holy crap, talk about light switch emotions....
 
#173 ·
OP if neither of them will be in school they will have plenty of time to hook up while you are out providing for your family and of course a nice room for om to have sex with your wife.

She should get a job also.

You are being to nice. I hope it works for you.

You seem to want to reconcile and I applaud that desire. However please do not rug sweep as it will bite you later.

Follow thru with a polygraph. Find out if she is a serial cheater and paternity test the kids. Get the information you need to deal with everything up front.
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#176 ·
OP with the ease that she brought this man into your bed with her children there. I would be surprised if this was her first affair.

Have you asked? Would it matter?

Keep in mind issues you while she was fvcking om are also caused by her giving her mental emotional and sexual energy to him instead of you. Take no blame for that it is on her.
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#181 ·
There has been no other sighs in our past, she ether got sloppy with this one, or it's the first. I had a gut feeling about the affair long before I confronted her.

I have asked, but What will that prove? She has lied so many times. Hell we have agreed to start over when I learned it was just a ea. And that was hard enough. And she swore that there were no more lies a clean table, She still lied..... Is she done lying? Doubtful.....

She swears this is the first. I want to believe her, but no amount of words out of that mouth will convenience me.
 
#178 ·
I recommend against bringing waywards here. They read enough to become blackbelt underground affair hiders.

With the things I know... I could do a lot of damage for the dark side. No I wont do it but the stuff Ive learned...
 
#185 ·
Checklist:

1) Bank - separate your finances. Make sure your wife cannot access your paycheck.

2) Doctor - get STD tested and ask for an SSRI script.

3) Lawyer - go see a lawyer who will give you a free consult on what you can expect in a divorce. Quit guessing and arm yourself with information.

4) Expose - tell her family and yours what she did.

5) Back off - go somewhere by yourself for a few days if you can. Get yourself together.
 
#193 ·
OP:
the above is a nice, compact list of good things for you to do I think. 1-3 and 5 are especially essential, to do ASAP items I think.

when you're able to do #5, here are a couple observations and questions you might consider:

i. you had mentioned your anger....the reason you are angry is that she has BETRAYED you and HUMILIATED you! i.e. I think you should be angry at her, and stay angry at her. If you decide to separate or divorce that anger will help you detach from her.

ii. The woman you've encountered lately - that's the REAL her. she like many (too many) people can take on a much nicer 'shell' of a peronality for a period of time. a very convincing but artificial presentation of who she is.

iii. I assume what she did nauseates you....probably literally. so WHY DO YOU STILL WANT HER? Can you not see yourself with someone better than her?? Most available women your age are much better put together than she is. I think like most BS you'll have to choose between reconciliation and your own self-respect. and you won't like life without the latter, though you may not realize this until you look back on it all much later on (read some of the stories on here about BS having 2nd thoughts about not divorcing 10, 20 years after the affairs)

iv. I think you'd be better off without her and with someone else. your strategy for doing this may need time to play out so that child custody. financial and other issues can be worked out in favor of your needs and those of your kids. So take your time, get some legal advice, do some planning, think creatively......BUT...I think you need to seriously envision a life without her as your wife.
 
#186 ·
Why the hell wouldn't the guys wife not want to know???? Maybe he's telling her your a jealous crazed person. I personally would want to know.

Hang in there....she's not going far without a job and I supect her bf isn't going to leave his wife for her any time soon.

Something not right thou...she should be kissing your ass!
 
#188 ·
I agree that this probably isn't the OMW's first bout at the rodeo. She has probably heard enough and this is the straw that is breaking the proverbial camel's back. She may have enough from prior indiscretions and rather than rehash, she has just decided to end it with the her H (the OM), which could be worse for FOT in the long run, as this frees him up for FOT's WW.
 
#195 ·
If she is reading this thread and is serious in any way about saving her marriage... She will begin to do some of the things mentioned without you asking her to.

How hard is it to get tested for stds. Embarrassing yes. Make sure she shows you lab results in writing as it is easy to lie and say yes I went and it was all good.

Again actions not words.
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#196 ·
Hey father of 2---Calif---is kind of quirky about family law---there are mandatory decisions made as to property and custody payments, based on a set schedule---that goes and usually doesn't change---everything else including custody, is up to the judge, and what the atty's say in the coutroom---so nothing is set in stone---the best thing you can do for yourself---is go to google---go to calif statutes, and read all the statutes in the FAMILY LAW section---that will cover EVERYTHING, you will encounter---so you can get your answers anytime you want---you do not need to go to an atty, unless you need interp., and of course if you decide to pursue D

One thing you need to know----when a criminal commits a crime---there needs to be some good solid punishment, if there is not---the criminal will commit that crime again---AS THEY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED, AND THERE WAS NO PUNISHMENT TO THEM---they got away with what the set out to do---so WHY NOT DO IT AGAIN

Your wife has for whatever reason---"dissed" you at the highest level, and also PUT YOUR SON IN DANGER, BY BRINGING THIS GUY TO YOUR HOUSE----that is UNFORGIVEABLE---in all reality, she did not know that much about him, that he wasn't gonna do harm to your son, that he wasn't a loony/druggie/criminal/abusive--and there he was in your house with your son in the next room, basically unprotected------your wife I am sorry to say, is one very lousy speciman of a mother---you can argue that point all you want---she is a bad wife, and a terrible mother---no matter how you wanna spin it---nothing will ever be right in your family AGAIN---and it is all on your WIFE

Once again, as to custody, and who gets what---that depends, on how much of a bulldog you have for an atty, but in Calif---nothing is EVER CUT AND DRY

Don't know that your wife really loves her lover, as much as just wanted some foreign spice, and got bored with you---who knows---only you really know the state of your mge, prior to all of this, and why your wife might have strayed---I am sure you can come up with some answers---then it goes on her, as to what her thought process was

Bottom line---this not going away---you can either suck it up, and stay with her---and you will live in MISERY, and your kids will live in a miserable household---cuz the underlying currents will never be good------or you can do probably what is best for you, and the kids---and move on----also at this point no matter what---DEMAND, YOUR WIFE TRY AND FIND A JOB---that may be harder said than done---for there is, in Calif., usually 400 people lined up for every job coming available----
 
#209 ·
She brought him to your home to have some quality time together, what a POS wife you had. She brought him when your son was there. We know he wasnt sleeping the whole time. Was she brought him to introduce his new daddy?

Then she allowed him to puke on your marital bed; That was her quality time. If he peed on your tooth brush she may have stood there laughing and next day when you use it she may have been standing there watching you with a smile. She is a real piece of work.

You deserve something better in your life man, not a life with a women like this. You deserve faaaar better than this.

Is it OK for her if you had brought some ***** into your bed and apologise for it to her when busted? She is in damage control and manipulation, watch your back carefully, even if you R or D.

Take your own time to decide what you wanted in your life. Kids are very important in taking that decision but it docent mean that you need to live in misery for ever with a cheater and lire.
 
#211 ·
So she did all these things for the OM and you are her backup plan. How does she explain that you are not her backup plan?

She did all these things for an older man. What wonderful thing has she done for you to show you how much she loves you?

Ask her to do something wonderful for you! How about to never cheat on you? Oh wait, she already had this older man in your bed.

So what does she say she will do for you that is so wonderful and she has loved you all the time?

When she did it in your bed that is total disrespect for you, and she should sign an agreement that she will not get anything if you divorce.
 
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