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After almost ten years of marriage and two beautiful kids, my wife cheats

90K views 230 replies 63 participants last post by  Tover26 
#1 ·
Hi all,

First let me start with this. My spelling is not very good, although I have a collage degree, I still can't get the hang of spelling.

My wife and I have been married for nine years and some change. We have a two year old and a five year old. We got married for love and waited before bringing children into it. Last night my wife came clean with her cheating. She has been seeing another guy for around 6 months. I'm numb. Have have no idea what to do. She is begging me to stay. All I can think about are my children and how I will never be a true part of their lives. Please someone post up a magic cure for this.....
 
#212 ·
Don't you find it a little too easy how quickly she found religion and chose to be the good wife once fully caught?

Yet, inside she's still running on the same logic, morals, and decision making that she was when she invited him into your bed to have sex with your wife.

My point is that you need to really and fully address her choices here and impose severe consequences for her having made them.

Her goal is to negotiate them down to nothing - to throw tears, snot, and as little sex as she has to, in order to placate you into forgiving and rugsweeping.

That would be your worst mistake here because all she will learn from that is that she needs to be smarter next time.

Start with the actions outline here already, including a new bed this weekend bought by her.

Post the OM on cheaterville

And have her schedule her polygraph.
 
#219 ·
Stay strong and pull yourself together. Be firm with her. Tell point blank WHAT YOU NEED. She not going anywhere. She has no money and no job. OM probably tossed her under the bus once his wife was told. My opinion she'll stay in the marriage but her hearts not there. Once she finished school and you worked your ass off so she could go...she's gone! This was both EA and PA.
Sorry you are going through this. Sucks!
 
#220 ·
Fof2, I have been following your thread from the start. Just as a recap
  • you enable her to have a good life and go to school
  • she starts up an affair with an older man (15 years older)
  • you catch her and she claims it is an EA
  • you press and threaten to recover texts and she admits (trickle truthing all the way) that it was a PA
  • you find out that she brought him into your bed
  • the OMW is slowly coming round to believing you and possibly disabling the A from continuing
  • she is now acting remorseful (sort of) except that she is not very proactive or doing much heavy lifting

Now what in this list suggests that she "saw the light" and genuinely loves you and is in love with you. Whether you love her or not has nothing to do with this - she does not appear to love you and I may go so far as to say, as another poster has pointed out, she despises you! Hence the extreme disrespect of having him in your house AND in your bed - not having this minimum of respect for you indicates no chance of being in love with you. So how can you do anything other than firstly, the 180 to repair yourself, and also file for D to giver her consequences. I am a father of 4 and I do understand how tough it is going to be on the kids, but they are more robust than you think and things could work out better than you think. The bottom line is why would she not do this again with a different OM given the chance - you need to get down to the bottom of why she did this and how she will provide you with assurance and confidence that not only does she now (magically) love you but also that this would never happen again - this is a tough thing for her to accomplish at the moment hence the advice you are being given to focus on yourself and distance yourself from her.
 
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#224 ·
I have to tell you---that the excuse that your wife's needs were not being met, caused her to spread her legs, is BS

If things were that bad---what good was going to another man---it did not help solve the marital problems---what it did was destroy everyone involved, including your kids lives----this is not going away any time soon, and your kids are gonna know something is not right with "mommy and daddy"

What she should have done, if she had any kind of character, and was a decent wife and mother, was to get in your face, and make you understand what was going on---or threaten you with D----

Had she put her time into working on the mge---this wouldn't be happening

Also how much satisfaction did she really need----was she gonna run off with this guy---a few trips to the bedroom didn't do it for her---what was it she really wanted---she got her attention---but the mge was still not doing well---and now she was hiding a horrible deep cancer from you

Her deceit is way beyond what she needed to satisfy her requirement for attention---she brought her lover into your home, and had sex in the marital bed----HOW DOES SHE EVER EXPLAIN THAT, along with putting her own child in jeopardy from a man she did not REALLY KNOW---the excuse they needed more private time is BS----what was he ---her new H---that she needed all this time with him----then sex before and after class day after day---do you honestly think you are ever gonna get over this

If you wanna do right by your kids---you get your D, and move on, and allow the kids to be in somewhat happy split homes-----you thinking you can stay, and make it work----Big question mark.

I know others have, but at what punishment and misery to themselves---everyday they are forced to look at their cheating spouse, knowing full well and exactly what that spouse willingly and happily did to them----if you R, you are in for a long hard time, no matter what your wife does to make it work----------why didn't she do the work before she destroyed you---why now, why all of a sudden does she wanna make it work--------
 
#226 ·
WOW what a disaster... she disrespected you and humiliated you in the worst way possible... she brought him in your home,in your bed and the even more sick thing is that your son was in the house while she was banging this POS.

She also now has a student loan that you will probably pay since she doesnt work and you are a nice guy ... and the only accomplishment of the loan money is a destroyed family...

So to sum it up you will have to pay back the student loan,buy a new bed,buy new clothes for her and find a new house in order to try to heal properly...

And since his wife is reading this thread here is a message to her: congratulations you ruined your husband emotionally,physically and you will ruin your family financially now too...I hope it was worth it...

And as for you guys who are giving him great advice about VAR and keylogger dont waste your energy because his wife is reading this thread...

As for the advice I cant give you anything better then what was given already so I just wrote you the facts.You should read them and pretend that this happened to someone else while you read and then decide what you would tell this poor guy to do and follow the advice...


Good Luck
 
#229 ·
Fof2, at some point in counseling or by reading, you'll start to hear some of the counterpoints... but you know as does everyone here, that there is a system shock that occurs on DDay and then aftershocks through trickle truth that make it hard to think. As I've read this... there are a few things that keep coming up:
1. Polygraph. Set the date by which she does it. It forces either new trickle truth or it verifies. I'm with Bandit, Shaggy, Chaparal and others on this... how quickly she came clean. Sometimes, honesty is used to hide other things. My wife sure used it that way.
2. Counseling. Is hard. Good luck. I kept the family together for 2012 while my wife was on a journey of self-discovery and I hated every minute of it.
3. Burning/destroying the mattress, "worst possible way", in your house, etc. Y'know what? Cheaters suck. They aren't thinking clearly. They're not thinking about you, us, or any waywards. They're thinking of the moment. And, the bed etc... It's just stuff. Stuff is replaceable. Getting rid of stuff will actually help you short term... but unless you have infinite money, there will come a point where that does not work. It all adds up. I think my wife blew through $28,000 during her affair.

A counterpoint to a lot of this, it isn't even about hating you, loving them, or whatever. Cheaters live in the moment, for the moment, and weaknesses in their character were at play. We all have them... maybe we're just lucky that today isn't the day our weaknesses are on center stage. I would put out there that the only question that matters, ever, is: what kind of a person do you want to be? Since you're not thinking clearly, be that person.

Lastly, it isn't about your wife picking you or loving you. She already picked you and you two were married and have kids together. The same question applies - what kind of person does she want to be? Assuming positive intent, lets say she doesn't want to be the kind of person who cheats. Okay... so, the next best thing is to be the kind of person capable of recovering and not every making that mistake again. Trust but verify. If this was a one time thing, the polygraph and/or time will tell. People do make mistakes and eventually you'll read about the kind of cheater who eventually wants to end it, feel trapped by their own bad decisions, but don't know how to end it and so set themselves up to be caught... like leaving their cell phone out where you can see an "I love you" message.

Be strong. Stay honorable.
 
#230 ·
If you are going to stay together in an R attempt, why not have her write out a post nip agreement, stating: "I committed adultery. To save my marriage I will do x,y and z.

If marriage fails, I will pay my husband back all tuition from college, which is where I met my partner in adultery.

She needs to everything on the list and more. It is the more that counts here. Expressions of love and affection that show that she hurts because you are hurting.

You don't have to be a hard asz in the style that others suggest, but you must be strong inside. You can exhibit sorrow, but you cannot be needy.

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad
 
#231 ·
When I met with an attorney to write the postnup, we stipulated certain conditions under which the postnup would become active... and you can't write them as a past admission of guilt. In fact, the more they look like a confession, the less likely they are to stand up in court. I live in VA and could not stipulate child custody; courts decide that.

As such, the conditions stipulated would be based on a burden of proof for:
- Relapsing on drugs
- Any infidelity, with a legal definition based on how the state defines it
- Any criminal conviction where she is found guilty that is above a moving violation or misdemeanor, there's a legal term for this but I can't remember it

We had to declare all joint and separate marital assets and I bought her out of a few things, like retirement accounts and principal residence ownership. Make no mistake - a postnup, right after DDay - is punitive. It screams "I want to punish you!" I waited a good 5 months after DDay#1 and 2 months after DDay#2 just so that I could approach it with a clear head.
 
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