blown away

Is there anyway to track the chat feature on Facebook? I am certain that this feature is being used for contact with parties she is not to be in contact with.

I have keyloggers on the computers at home but she will get on FB while she is at work and I can't track that computer. Is ther any way to log on while she is logged on and visually see the chat feature while she is chatting?

Any help is appreciated.

pokergirl007

Yes if you know her password.... you can log in and see the chats in real time but my concern for you is this..... If you already dont trust your SO (and it seems evident you dont if you have keyloggers) why do you want to continue in the relationship? Do you want to spend the rest of your life or your near future anyways, always on high alert looking for problems? That will eat your insides out faster than anything she is chatting about.... Ive been there.... I can see your point and even understand your complusion to check up on her but I promise you that you will end up driving yourself crazy. Can I ask what prompted you to put the keyloggers on the computer in the first place?


Oh - and what do you mean by persons she is not to be in contact with??? Who determines that? And does she have the same luxury with your "friends" list?

blown away

The keyloggers were placed on the computer after I found out about an EA. Long story but after counselling she really has done nothign in my opinion to work on the problems in the marriage. She has not had contact with that particular individual but it sems like instead of working on the marriage, she is more interested in spending her energy chatting with people on FB.

I am about ready to call it all quits. I have bent over backwards for her and she has done nothing in my opinion for me as her husband, unless she gets somethign out of it. With two kids under 12 it is difficult to finally make the decision, but I am the type of person that once I make it ther is no turning back.

With regard to her friends list. She uses it more than I do and I do not really chat with anyone. Certainly not single females when I am married. Do you think I am blowing this out of proportion?

nice777guy

poker - Are you sure about logging on at the same time?

I tried a little experiment once and tried to log onto my own facebook account using Mozilla and Internet Explorer at the same time. When I logged on with one, it would kick me off the other. I concluded that me trying to log on while my wife was already on would kick her off and - if done enough - make her suspicious.

pokergirl007

What is it that YOU need in order to feel like you are valued? respected? Is she still having and EA, has something happenned to make you feel like it is still going on or that it is happening again?

I understand your pain, Im going through something similar myself... Im a for keeps kind of girl though and I am currently struggling with making the choice to stay or go..... I HATE the idea of giving up on our marriage but there is only so much that one person can fix by themselves in a marriage.... I just feel that the keyloggers are something that are going to continue to nurture the "problems"- that keeping tabs like that (and I am guilty of it myself after all thats how I know it works when you log on to their account and no they cant tell you are on there.... but you have to open up a chat window when the person you suspect is the issue is online in order to see the chats and the chat history) will keep your marriage in a bad zone.... I guess Im not much help. I hope whatever happens that you find what you are looking for and that you get the respect and consideration you deserve. It feels horrible to be suspicous to feel unloved and disrespected.... I get it and I hope for you it ends well.

pokergirl007

Yes, Im sure.... Doesnt work on the same PC but I have done it while my SO is at work and I am at home.... As recently as a few days ago I hate to admit

Makes me feel pathetic to be so desperate for TRUTH that I have to go there.... I dont want to be that person you know?

Momof3kids

Yes, you can log on at the same time - just not through the same computer.

pokergirl007

Blown Away.... I dont think you are blowing it up into something its not, I agree with you. My Husband chats on FB in a way that makes him seem single and he crosses the boundries of what I think is appropriate. Its a hot button issue for me too at the moment so Im not sure Im the best to ask about whether or not your response is proportionate or not. Whatever happens, just dont let the situation cause you to become someone you aren't.... you cant fix a marriage if you are the only one willing to work on it. Good Luck!

Ted

I too did this to find get info before I confronted my wife about her affair. My experience is that you can see their account, if you are signed in from another computer, but it will knock her off in real time, and then she logs back in and will knock you off. That was a year ago, so maybe they've changed it since then if Pokergirl007 says it works.

I do know I was able to use a third party messaging client and see the conversation in real time.

But like others said, if she was already caught, and is supposed to be totally transparent with you now (I assume she knows about the keylogger and the fact that you have her password) and you still can't trust her, then it's time to talk to the counselor about ways that you can jolt her out of this fantasy/escapism that facebook provides from the problems of your marriage.

blown away

Yes she knows about the keylogger and she knows I know her password. My #1 issue is that I don't think she puts our marriage first. I don't have a problem with FB as long as it is not taking away from the energy she needs to be putting toward fixing our problems.

She does not realize how difficult an EA is to cope with. She knows that she lost my trust and that took 12 yrs to gain. She has been much better about letting me know her intentions so that I would not think her going out with a friend was a coverup. However, that does not mean I am not going to check to make certain the same thing that happened to me before happens again.

She is now paying her own credit cards and get to pay her own phone bill, which only leaves her about $20.00 per week to have for herself. That was her choice and I told her that if we were going to live like roomates then we would live like that financially too. CAll me stubborn, but I am not going to feel like I am being taken advantage of.

Don't get me wrong, our communication is much better than before, but not at all where it needs to be in my opinion.

Was the third party chat software used to track FB? I am asking these questions, because I know that FB is becoming an outlet for inappropriate behavior for a lot of people which is unfortunate.

Tanelornpete

I hope you don't mind if I add a few of my own observations and ask a couple of questions...

Here's a question that you might want to consider - you mention that 'in your opinion' she has done nothing to work on these problems. But - what about in her opinion? In her opinion, has she tried to get a message across to you? The reason I ask this is because of the following quote:

One of the things that I've seen happen a lot is that a partner in a marriage will do all sorts of things that they believe their spouse needs or wants them to do, and believe that this is what is necessary to get through to their spouse, or, that they believe will let their spouse know they are loved.

In reality, though - something entirely different has happened. As an example, suppose I decide that my wife wants the house to be clean, and the oil in the car to be changed. If I do those things she will certainly then know that I love her. So I do all of those things diligently. And my wife notices these things and thinks "how nice - he cleaned the house and changed the oil in the car!" But in her mind, what she really needs to feel loved is for me to sit down with her, look directly in her eyes and give her my undivided attention as she discusses whatever is on her mind. To her, love is shown through meaningful conversation, not changing the oil.

If I don't know this is what she wants, I can easily make the statement "I have cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned the house, and I have changed the oil on a regular basis - and still she is not responding! I'm bending over backwards for her!

And so, for her - she does not feel loved - and for me - I feel exhausted and ready to give up.

There is also a related issue here: you claim that she has done nothing for you (in your opinion) as her husband - unless she gets something out of it. Have you done things for her as your wife in which you get nothing out of it? If so, are you keeping score? Can your wife sense that you are building up an "I own my husband 'X' acts of selflessness" list?

Affairs almost never happen in a vacuum. Usually, the Other Person(s) is(are) filling a need that your spouse is not receiving from you. In the case of chatting, it is quite often either affection, admiration or conversation. All of those she can easily get from others over the internet.

Of course, unless the affair stops, it is almost impossible for you to fill those needs - she is getting them somewhere else - you are superfluous. So the affair needs to stop, and a solid rule of no contact has to be observed. There are steps you can take that will make the affair less desirable.

I am more concerned that neither of you has done real work to fix the troubles in the marriage. I sense that there's been a lot of wheel spinning, but no real progress.

No, you are not blowing this out of proportion. It is also wise to refrain from all conversation with single females (and other females at all, unless your wife is completely aware of the conversation and it's content.) I do have a question, though: how do you know your wife is carrying on conversations at work? Does she tell you? How do you have this information?

"... you cant fix a marriage if you are the only one willing to work on it..."

This is very true - BUT! You CAN start work on the marriage, and begin to set up an environment where the marriage is more desirable than the affair. There is hope.

63Vino

Just had to comment on this... THAT is good stuff. Nicely put!!

I've lived though this myself... Never make assumptions. If you dont know what she needs... find out from her directly.. Communicate.

__________________
DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT - TWC

G__T

I recently had a marriage of 20 years down the drain. I found this software to work just fine. It collects temporary internet files that are left behind for weeks on end. Its states the user name, FaceBook ID, timestamp, and what was said. Beware, are you sure you want to read what is being said? My hands still are shaking from the pain of finding this betrayal of marriage. Google Fchat JAD software....you have to buy the software, but it is worth every penny for knowing what is going on. Good luck and Peace...

Tanelornpete

Probably identified the trouble right there. No, there is nothing wrong with paying your own bills, or having to deal with a tight budget. But - why are you living like roommates?

Is this the arrangement you both agreed upon, or was it a rule you laid down that she is to abide by?

If you are just roommates....

Roommates do not share private lives like married people do. They have their own lives. At best, there are rules about what you can do in the living space, what bills are paid, etc. Roommates, unless there is a very twisted relationship - do not have the option of determining what the other person does outside the 'apartment' - unless it has legal implications for either (dealing drugs, etc.)

So your roommate chats with people - outside the house, on their own time. So what?

If this is the arrangement you declared for your relationship - then what do you expect your wife to do? It f she does not feel that you consider her a wife, I can pretty much guarantee that she will find other people to fill needs that she has - her roommate is no obliged to do that!!!!

blown away

All very good points. In discussions with myself and the counselor, she could not give 1 example of something she has done to change things in the marriage. She will however acknowledge that I have change my behavior with regard to the issues that brought out the EA in the first place.

Yes I have read the "FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES" and discussed this with her. She knows what my language(s) is/are and the changes I have made previously were directly toward her language.

My comment about getting something in return is related to if I want to spend time with her, then she wants that time spent shopping. I have taken her shopping before just so she could go, because I know she likes that. May not have been a good choice of words, but I hope this makes things clearer now.

With regards to the roomate question...... In my opinion we live like roommates because once we get home from going out to eat every night, she retreats to her room to watch her television and put our daughter to sleep. We clearly have a child centered marriage which has been identified by the counselor as well. Our daughter wanted me to help her get her own bed ready to go to sleep one night, so I did. When she went and told her nother that she was going to sleep in her own room, the question was asked, "Well who influenced you to do that?"

I have no idea what else to do, because everythign I try pretty much end up confirming the fact that she wants to be married, but not necessarily to me.