Husband cheated and has a baby....
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-20-2010, 11:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry Husband cheated and has a baby....

My H and I have been together for 12 years. H had an affair for a short period of time. I did not leave him. We worked on our marriage. We have been doing very well and 2 years have past and we moved to another city and life was GREAT! Feb of this year the wom. found my husband and told him that her alleged husband is not the father of her child but signed the birth cert. She told my H he was in fact the father of the child. The child is almost 2. My husband paid for a DNA test.-He was the father. He hid this from me for almost a month. He felt really guilty about this so this past week he decided to break the news to me. I LUV my husband sooooo much and we moved past the short period of infidelity in our marriage and now this..... The 3rd party is toxic and the only way our marriage will work is if he has no contact w/ her or the child. Maybe we can revisit in the future. He will pay support. Am I wrong for feeling this way??
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Old 03-20-2010, 01:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated and has a baby....

Why is seeing the child going to harm your marriage? Just curious - its a 2 year old. I understand about the other woman.

Looking from the child's perspective....I think he needs his dad in his life. BUT the good news is - most areas, in the case of toxic relationships, will arrange for a court order rep to do the hand off so that they don't have to see or talk to each other when swapping the child for visitation. It could be something to look into?
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Old 03-20-2010, 05:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Why is seeing the child going to harm your marriage? Just curious - its a 2 year old. I understand about the other woman.

Looking from the child's perspective....I think he needs his dad in his life. BUT the good news is - most areas, in the case of toxic relationships, will arrange for a court order rep to do the hand off so that they don't have to see or talk to each other when swapping the child for visitation. It could be something to look into?
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Old 03-20-2010, 05:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated and has a baby....

I have no problem with the child but the mother is TOXIC! We live 268 miles away from the child. The mother wants my husband and is disrespectful to me. I don't want her to talk to my husband. She has said some very nasty things about me and I'm the victim. I'm confused! This is a fresh wound so I have a lot to think about over the next couple a months
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Old 03-21-2010, 10:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated and has a baby....

You've mentioned that the woman's husband signed the birth certificate. My question is, what is it that caused the paternity of the child in the first place? Is her husband still in the picture or did he pack his bags and already set sail?

I can understand where you say that this woman is toxic. I have a pretty good idea that she may use the child as leverage, but there are ways for your husband to interact with the child and the child only. This might be something that you want to explore with your husband.

My only hope is that this person didn't try to get pregnant on purpose to weasel her way into your husband's life. That is more than unforgivable on her part... bringing a child into the world to cause strife and grief... and being malicious.
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Old 03-21-2010, 12:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You've mentioned that the woman's husband signed the birth certificate. My question is, what is it that caused the paternity of the child in the first place? Is her husband still in the picture or did he pack his bags and already set sail?

I can understand where you say that this woman is toxic. I have a pretty good idea that she may use the child as leverage, but there are ways for your husband to interact with the child and the child only. This might be something that you want to explore with your husband.

My only hope is that this person didn't try to get pregnant on purpose to weasel her way into your husband's life. That is more than unforgivable on her part... bringing a child into the world to cause strife and grief... and being malicious.
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Old 03-22-2010, 08:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes, I think she did try to do this on purpose. The short affair happened 2 years ago. We moved on w/our lives and I was starting to trust my husband. Our life was good! She recently contacted him by locating him via web to tell him she thought the baby was his and not her ALLEGED husband. The baby took the husband's last name. She told my husband she would be leaving her husband but I don't think she is married unless she was married in another country. I just know for me sticking around will be TOXIC. Anyone who manipulates a person is out for personal gain. It is all about the MONEY. She wants to make my life HELL. She will use the child as LEVERAGE. She asked my husband for a vacation w/ the three of them so he could get to know the child. My husband went around my back before telling me to see them at least 3 times. He says he was scared and unsure of what to do. He never thought in A MILLION years this would happen to him. This was his ONLY time outside of our marriage and as brief as it was (2 months) it caused ALOT of hurt, pan and now a life time relationship that was unexpected. This person has a different background and comes from a different walk of life. I am SICK! I'm really considering divorcing my husband although FAMILY ask me to hang in there and it will get better and I'll learn to except the child but right now I am over this whole thing. I can go on and on how GOOD I've been to my husband and the sacrifices I made to support him through his education and life since we started dating.

If I decide to stay I will take your advice on visitation.
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Old 03-22-2010, 04:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated and has a baby....

Simba - I have been where you are. My now-hubby (then boyfriend) got a girl pregnant in college. He signed over all parental rights to this child and the mother's husband adopted the child. He had no contact, no rights, no nothing. I was hurt by the fact that he got another woman pregnant, BUT I was more hurt by the fact that he did not live up to his responsibilities towards his child. Six years later, the mother contacted me and we worked out a very nice agreement whereby my children and hers could get to know each other and accept each other as half-siblings. It hasn't been an easy road. There were lots of hurt feelings to overcome, general levels of discomfort, etc. Today - 8 years later - we are in a great place after a lot of time and discussion and effort.

All that said, I think what I'm trying to tell you is that there is hope. Everyone else above is correct - there are ways for you to contend with the mother if you can't deal with her. However, I discovered that leaving my H to deal with things left me feeling like I was out of the loop, like I was unimportant in the grand scheme of things. It was easier for me to swallow my pride and hurt, get to know her and their child together, and find a way to incorporate them into our family rather than fight and argue. The child is NOT at fault here - I know you know that. I'm not saying that makes it any easier, but a lot of it is your frame of mind.

First, get a lawyer. You're going to need one. Second, work through the system. Parenting plans, visitation rights, boundaries, etc. can all be established as part of a larger custody agreement. Third, sit down with your husband and discuss the boundaries that you need placed on this relationship in order to be comfortable. (I would personally include never being alone with the mother...) As he gets to know his child, there will need to be some period of adjustment, but you should be part of that.

The ultimate question is can you accept the child? He/she is part of your husband. Is the love that you have for your husband strong enough to accept all his faults and the consequences of his actions? It's a hard question - believe me, I know - but now is the time to take a long, hard look at yourself. In the end of your post, you talk about all the things you've done to make his life better. Can you see anything that he's done to improve your life? A lot of this comes down to what YOU choose....

I will be thinking of you. I know how difficult this will be - but I also know that you can take a bad situation like this (or mine) and turn it into something very beautiful... Wishing you luck!
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Old 03-22-2010, 05:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Simba, I know what you are going throught and my heart goes out to you. I was in your shoes...My H (then boyfriend) cheated on me and had a son. I was devasted but, I insisted that he have a relationship with him and I initiated the relationship figuring that we all would be better off if I controlled everything as far as communication with the son's mother. We sort of shared joint custody we kept the son half the year, however my H still had to pay child support even though he stayed with us. This sort of work out for about 13 years before it all fell apart. One day something told me to check my H phone and come to find out they were texting each other behind my back and i feel like the whole thing started all over again and I feel so hurt and betrayed. And now I don't know if I can continue in the marriage but its hard to walk away after 20 some years.

I say all that to say, protect yourself first, I know the child has nothing to do with it but you can end up being the one hurt.
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks for your support. Hopeful & Doubtful, Why was your husband communicating w/ the other party if you openly agreed to this arrangement. That is so hurtful. I'm afraid of all of that!

Mom of 3 Kids -Thanks for your advice. I have many things to consider and I'm not sure if 2weeks out from knowing I will have all the answers. I am trying to support my husband and I love my husband. We have no children. We have been trying to start our family for the past 3-4 years. I have had 4 miscarriages and the most recent being August 2009 - 18 weeks. We were working on trying again and now this...I would love for it to work out because I want a life w/ my husband. Despite his faults he has contributed greatly to my life as well. He is very sorry and tells me everyday if he could change that short period of time that he thought he was untouchable he would, but he cannot. I am planning to stay put for now until I can rap my head around all of this and figure out what I plan to do. This would be a BIG adjustment for me and I possibly have to move to another city. The only reason why I'm in this area is because of my husband's job. I work out of another city but work from home. Right now I don't want my H to EVER have contact with the 3rd party. I would rather her contact me for EVERYTHING and we discuss via SPEAKER PHONE etc. Those are my rules. I don't know how long this will work????????
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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This is not a person that I want to come to my home or FAMILY at ALL! NEVER! I will never accept her in my home. I DO NOT TRUST her and I NEVER will and when I say NEVER I mean NEVER!

My struggle is not the kid it is ALL of the DRAMA that comes with the in and outs of dual parenting and visitation. If my husband decides he wants contact with the child we will visit and see the child together at a mutual location. HE WILL NEVER be alone because I DO NOT TRUST her or HIM. He will PLAY by my rules or I am OUT!

I also have the fear of dealing w/ this 10 years from now. Will my husband get another itch at some point?
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Old 03-24-2010, 12:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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That what I think happen to me, my husband got another itch and I really don't know how far that itch went because he deleted all of the messages once he realize I saw them. But he said he was talking with her to ask her to drop child support, I believe that to be a lie because it don't take a year of talking everyday for over a hour at a time to drop child support.

But in the end I still care for the son; I just don't see him anymore I completely remove myself from the situation and I don't want to have anything else to do with it because I end up the one hurt.
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Old 03-24-2010, 04:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I agree. Thanks for your support.
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Old 03-28-2010, 09:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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New information..I learned my H visited with this woman and her child while we were visting my parents ( Keep in mind 2 years ago we all lived in the same area). During that time she came on to him and talked him into taking him around to buy furniture for the kid. This type of situation is OUT OF MY H's leauge. Keep in mind we were married early on in life. My H says he was scared and did not know what to do. He said and did things that he wish he never did. He begs me to stay with him every NIGHT! How can I trust this 3rd party to have access to my H. Exactly what she wants... I cannot trust this person around my husband. She apologized and said she respects my marriage, but I learn later she tried to sleep with my husband again. She clearly wants him. Over the weekend he made the decision to CUT all contact w/ the mother and child well into the indefinite future. He wants to work on our marriage. He hopes her husband will be the father to the child and they will live a happy life. The current father has been with the child from day one and my H feels that he should be the father of the child. We can move on with our lives and start our own family. If the child decides later in life she wants to know who her biological father is then my H may be open to that idea. Right now it is time for us to pay the support and move on!!! I totally agreed w/ him because the individual is VERY TOXIC for our relationship and my husband is TOOOOOO NAIVE! I think this solution is FAIR to all parties involved!
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Old 04-01-2010, 06:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I think that you just need to trust your husband. If you have moved past the infidelity and forgave him and he has given you no reasons to doubt him then dont. If he is going to cheat again then he will do it no matter who you dont allow him to see. he will find a way. but if you really believe he wouldnt do it. then dont doubt him. and as to your husband just paying support, if that is what he wants to do then thats his choice. dont try and influence him into doing it if he still wants a relationship with his son. I know your arent saying that that is what you are doing. but im just saying to stray away from doing it. it is a sticky situation to be in, but im sure you guys will come out on top. he obviously loves you very much and you love him.
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