Once Trust is Shattered...

katharina · 07-02-2007, 03:19 PM

I don't have experience with this, but my feeling or perception at this point
is that once there's infidelity, whether or not the couple stays together,
that trust can never really be built again. Maybe some lip service *saying*
it returned, but is that even possible?

MrsLV · 07-03-2007, 10:17 AM

Trust is a choice. It honestly is. I learned that through therapy, and when I praticed it, it really worked.

katharina · 07-04-2007, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrsLV

Trust is a choice. It honestly is. I learned that through therapy, and when I praticed it, it really worked.

A choice... can't say I've ever heard that one before. Doesn't that only work for as long as the other person remains trustworthy? And if one chooses to trust someone who isn't trustworthy, isn't that like putting blinders on to problems that may be present?

trick-r-treat · 07-04-2007, 07:05 AM

You would just have to have your doubts, I don't think it would ever not be in the back of my mind.

MrsLV · 07-05-2007, 05:53 AM

In one of my past relationships, my therapist told me and my boyfriend at the time that trust was a choice. Basically, I didn't trust that he loved me, and he kept telling me over and over again that he did. The therapist explained that by choosing to believe him instead of choosing to believe my doubts, i'd basically have to force myself to do it and thus, not contribute to the thing that was causing our relationship to ruin.
I'd not heard of it before, either. And also...just last week during pre-marriage counseling, our pastor told us that love was also a choice. He said it to say that when you are out, away from your spouse, you can choose to love your spouse and choose to be faithful, and that choice will give you the strenght to do the right thing. He wanted us to understand that yes, trust and love derive from feeings/emotions, but we can also make them choices and therefore have some control over them instead of them controling us.
You are the captain of your own being, so why not be the boss of it?

tater03 · 07-05-2007, 04:17 PM

I can say that if you don't have trust you don't have a relationship. I just have seen so many relationships where there isn't trust for one reason or another and they have nothing but problem.

Mrs.Mo · 07-05-2007, 06:05 PM

Well, I can say that time and prayer will definitely help. It has brought me closer to God. I do from time to time get rethink what has happened but I force thoe negative thoughts. It does me no good to hold on to the past. But I do understand your pain. It has been almost 3 months since I found out about my husband's affair.

mamab · 07-06-2007, 10:40 AM

I can't imagine the feelings that must have been caused from a husband's infidelity. I think with God all offenses can be forgiven, though. I know it would be very difficult to trust again.

tater03 · 07-06-2007, 11:54 AM

Yes, I do agree that you can reestablish trust but I would imagine it would be a long an hard process. It is getting to that point where I see alot of people cannot establish the trust again and that is when a decision really needs to be made on whether to continue the relationship.

lilyflower_1978 · 07-09-2007, 10:37 AM

My husband told me last week he had been seeing someone else for a couple weeks. Said it wasn't sexual. It really hurt but the fact he told me without me finding out another way helped me still feel I could trust him. Maybe that doesn't make a lot of sense but I saw it as a turning point. I'm still not sure where we will end up but holding on to hope.

katharina · 07-12-2007, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilyflower_1978

My husband told me last week he had been seeing someone else for a couple weeks. Said it wasn't sexual.

I'm not understanding how "seeing" would be defined if not actually cheating. Did he define "seeing" for you?

accord006 · 07-14-2007, 06:25 AM

I'm going thru that right now. I found out after 26 years of marriage my husband has done the unthinkable. His daughter called and told me what her mother and my husband did. This was five years into my marriage when this happen he was in the navy and in school when this happen. I'm hurt, heart broken. And my trust is gone. He is now trying to keep me in his life. But this young lady does'nt like me at all. All she wants is her father. Her mother put her up for adoption and my husband signed the papers. Thinking it would keep me from finding out. Funny that did not happen at all. Right now I want to leave because I don't trust him or believe him. I am in therapy. It is helping a little but. I need support

accord006 · 07-14-2007, 06:28 AM

[quote=accord006;357]I'm going thru that right now. I found out after 26 years of marriage my husband has done the unthinkable. His daughter called and told me what her mother and my husband did. This was five years into my marriage when this happen he was in the navy and in school when this happen. I'm hurt, heart broken. And my trust is gone. He is now trying to keep me in his life. But this young lady does'nt like me at all. All she wants is her father. Her mother put her up for adoption and my husband signed the papers. Thinking it would keep me from finding out. Funny that did not happen at all. Right now I want to leave because I don't trust him or believe him. I am in therapy. It is helping a little but. I need support] What happens in the dark comes out into the light.

accord006 · 07-14-2007, 06:32 AM

I'm close to where you are at. But I am still in alot of pain. I don't know if I can do this. I really want to leave my husband. But I don't know. Help!

lilyflower_1978 · 07-16-2007, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katharina

I'm not understanding how "seeing" would be defined if not actually cheating. Did he define "seeing" for you?

Well his words were affair. When I asked if the relationship was sexual he said no. So I asked why then label it an affair. He said because I was out with her having fun and had thoughts that went further which I did not feel guilty for having them. So what I gather is he'd pick her up before his weekend long parties and trips and spend the whole time basically dating her. I guess what bothers me the most is he was looking to develope a real relationship with this person. Like I was already out of the picture.