She said to me today. "I know what the right thing to do is, it just hurts so much to let go of what I know is wrong."
I told her I am right here with you, you will make it through this.
Hey losinglove, here's your chance to be a hero in her eyes. I am saddened to say that I did this very thing to Tanelorn. He knew it would hurt and I'd be fairly sad, and no I didn't mope around and act like I was utterly missing my lover (that's pretty poor taste), but likewise I didn't hide my feelings from him either and when I thought, "Well, he SAID he'd be my friend so I'm just gonna see how much he meant that" I'd actually talk to him as if he were my BFF. And yep, now a while later, on the other side where my head is cleared and straight, I am eternally grateful for the way he behaved and treated me.
So put on that heart-guard thing and listen to her like her friend. In real life it is going to hurt her, and for a day or two, minute-by-minute she will be fighting the temptation to contact him again. If you have a chance, you may want to take a long-ish weekend and sweep her off her feet for a mini-vacation. There would be nothing wrong with a room at a nice hotel, some time just "hanging out" with you, and being away from all the reminders of "home." Do a few fun things like go to a movie, go out to eat, go dancing, or watch a movie in your room and take a romantic walk together. Nothing big and heavy, just have one weekend that's sort of enjoying each other. It will help rebuild a lot!
Agreed, something to take both your minds off of everything for a bit. Should help her with her transition and since she is away from temptation, it should help you relax a bit too.
It's one of those things where if you don't have the money you don't but alternatives can be much more expensive and much less enjoyable... so if you can..do
(Nodding head) Yep! I hear this all the time: "But I don't have money to go to a hotel room for the weekend!" Well...can you afford to lose half of everything you own? Including half your paycheck and half your time with your kids? If you can't afford to lose all that, THEN FIND A WAY TO GET TO A HOTEL ROOM FOR A WEEKEND!!
It may help to think of it as an investment in the Love Bank bearing interest that compounds daily.
Well, so much for any plans to get away for the weekend. I have everything set up and last night she decided she does not want to go.
She is starting her downward slide, been about 2 weeks. I had some suspicions so I checked the keylogger.
She tried several things on the computer to try to contact him yesterday.
Anyone with the same name on Skype and fb, including his wife.
Tried using his name with the .mil domain for email.
two weird thing,
1) The last 3 or 4 nights she has currled up to me and fallen asleep with her arm around me and her head on my chest. She has not done that in I don't know how long. She might do it for a little while, but never fall asleep.
2) I am hurt at what I found yesterday, but it is almost like I knew what I was going to find so it is more like a punch in the arm instead of a hammer on the finger..
Well, so much for any plans to get away for the weekend. I have everything set up and last night she decided she does not want to go.
Kudos to you for making the effort! Sometimes that's all we can do, and then just let it go (not your wife, the get away weekend).
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two weird thing,
1) The last 3 or 4 nights she has currled up to me and fallen asleep with her arm around me and her head on my chest. She has not done that in I don't know how long. She might do it for a little while, but never fall asleep.
2) I am hurt at what I found yesterday, but it is almost like I knew what I was going to find so it is more like a punch in the arm instead of a hammer on the finger..
I'd say that's progress and certainly encouraging, despite your recent computer discoveries...
As far as what I found on the computer, she got no responses from him. She has an IM open to the one name for about an hour, no response. She finally wrote "Damn you" and shut it down, and it may not even be the OM.
I asked this earlier and no one answered. It just really makes me wonder why someone would keep trying if they are not getting anything back.
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I do have one question. Somewhere in there you mention she is still getting some of her needs met by him. How is she getting needs met by him if he refuses to reply to her? Do I know 100% that he is not - no. But I just have a feeling he is being truthful when he said he has no intention of contacting her. ( I know turnera, cheaters lie and they lie well )
As for what she's getting from him...she is getting the memories of how he made her feel.
I'm assuming: HE rocked her socks. He complimented her thoughts and made her feel smart. He actually listened to what she had to say and seemed to care and made her feel like people would think she had something valuable to say. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world (even if he was just pretending to do so, for free sex) and made her FEEL beautiful. He laughed at her jokes and made her feel witty. He listened to her troubles and made her feel like she should be getting better in life.
Is she still in contact with him? No. But she FELT good when she was. She wants that feeling again.
For now, when she looks at you, or is with you, she is 50% miserable because of the guilt, because YOU don't treat her like you did when you were dating (like OM has been doing), and because you two had baggage. When she thinks of him, there IS no baggage. No fights. No bills to pay. No figuring out what to do without so you can pay bills. No family issues to deal with.
HE was a fantasy - a feel-good fantasy. YOU are reality.
Does she love you? Probably. But right now, you pale in comparison. To his fantasy.
That is why, when you fight to end the affair, you ALSO have to work like CRAZY to fix your marriage and yourself at the same time. Because, without the affair, her life (with you) STILL looks like the crappy life she had that led to the affair.
When she thinks of him, there IS no baggage. No fights. No bills to pay. No figuring out what to do without so you can pay bills. No family issues to deal with.
She actually said this a few weeks ago. "We have not history. You and I have a lot of history"
I'm keeping at it. If the older 2 were not in Denver, I think we probably would have gone away this weekend. She told me just a few minutes ago 'I'm sorry if I'm not into you right now. I want my kids back.'
You are still acting out of fear. Come on. It's Friday. You have time. Be creative. Find SOMEONE to watch your other child so you can at least go off for half a day.
Well, things are still rocky. I'm pretty sure she still tries once in a while to contact him.
A couple weekends ago, since she didn't want to go away, we dropped the little one off and spent the day going to a craft fair, A flea market, a nice walk by the river and out to dinner that night. We had a really good time and some laughs. Have not seen her smile that much in a long time.
Last week was ok, Tuesday was a little rough. I have been encouraging her to be open with me, talk to me. So on the way home from the bus she told me this:
"I am so angry at him. When I was younger and my father was doing stuff my mother abandoned me. Then you abandoned me. Now he will not even talk to me. You just don't do that to someone."
OK, that stung a little, but I was ready for it. Told her I never abandoned her even though she may have felt like it. I'm sorry you felt that way and I will do my best to make sure you never feel that way with me again.
I am still working on myself, things are getting easier, more of a good habit forming.
This morning she sent me a text. "I need to talk to you sometime. I love you."
I must have had an OMG look on my face from the weird looks I was getting. That is the first time in a very long time, even before I discovered the affair, that she has said I love you.
Re: About ready to quit 
And yep, now a while later, on the other side where my head is cleared and straight, I am eternally grateful for the way he behaved and treated me. 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
bearing interest that compounds daily. 
