Most definitely we are. We have been trying to do it every Tuesday. And occasionally other times when something comes up that we do not feel we should put off.
On the one hand there is a tiny part of me that gets so frustrated for you and wants to just say, "Exactly HOW LONG are you going to accepts scraps and crumbs from this woman? Exactly how long are you going to take her blame and inability to accept personal responsibility for her own choices?" Okay that's just my frustration talking but it is kind of there.
On the other hand, I do admire your patience and persistence and dedication to her. I hope that one day she wakes up and realizes how you stood by her and the debt of gratitude she owes you. It would be so much easier if she would follow a recovery plan or consider counseling or coaching! Anyway, from what I can see, your intention is to stick with it and try to find ways to help her resentment diminish and I have three suggestions .... FOR YOU.
1) When she says something like "first my dad abandoned me, then you abandoned me, and now the OM abandoned me" rather than saying "I didn't abandon you" I would suggest saying "It sounds like you feel the people who love you leave you." The idea is that she's doing a crummy job but she's expressing what it seems like to her, and when you say "I didn't..." it puts her on the defensive because now she has to defend WHY you did abandon her. Make sense? That's not the issue anyway (whether you did or did not abandon her). The issue is that she feels like those she loves, leave her. Does that kind of make sense? So practice: "It sounds like you feel..." rather than "I didn't ...."
2) I realize she won't work any program but for you, you may enjoy and find this resource helpful: Lovingyou.com: Romance Calendar I actually use this romance calendar myself to give me one idea every day of something sweet to do for Dear Hubby. They also do a nice job of switching things up and the idea here is to keep up the association of "losinglove = positive" that you started on your little getaway day. That day you two connected a little--so keep that connection going and if you can see if you can figure out her love language or love kindlers. I can help with that if you need it okay?
3) You may want to consider the Love Dare. That is a good book but I'll warn ya it does have a christian viewpoint. And nope, it's not something you two would do together. You purpose in your heart to do it, and you do it TO your spouse FOR your spouse. It's a gift you offer them without expectation in return.
AC, I get your frustration and ask the same thing at times. The "crumbs" are getting bigger, though. She knows it was her choice to do what she did and has said it was wrong of her to do it. But, she also says she does not regret it. So, that seems kind of weird to me. She has a hard time letting go of things, always has.
I do bring up every once in a while about going to a counselor. The last time she wasn't completely repulsed by the idea.
As to your suggestions
1) I understand. After I said what I did I was like, that wasn't the right way to say that. But, I already did.
2) Ever since you mentioned that site on showtime's thread I have used it as a resource - thanks
3) I have thought about doing the Love Dare, actually bought the book a couple days ago and watched the movie.
I have a getaway planned in a couple weeks to a place that has hot springs. She has asked about going. It will be a nice surprise, should be a good getaway for us.
Soooooo...how did the getaway go? When Tanelorn and I got away we had a BLAST! Went to a cute little place on the coast and played at the ocean all weekend.
She says she is trying to make things better, but her actions don't show it. She's not cotacting him, just keeping to herself. She is not being honest with me, acts all happy and everything but I know she is not at all.
She said she needs to figure out if she wants to work things out and she does not feel safe with me. When I first found out I went a little nuts, not yelling or screaming, but just really overdoing everything else. Only one time did I really show her that I was angry, didn't hit her or anything, never would, but it scared her. That episode was back between Christmas and New Years.
How I wish she would talk to a therapist for her self. Hell, I wish she would talk to me!!!
I think if she decides she wants to stay married she will go to marriage counseling - maybe.
I don't know how much longer I can go, and if I try to tell her that she just starts crying even more.
She said she needs to figure out if she wants to work things out and she does not feel safe with me.
...
I don't know how much longer I can go, and if I try to tell her that she just starts crying even more.
Here is exactly what I would say:
"I agree with you--I do need to figure out if I want to stay married to someone who would treat me like you do. I'm done with scraps. When you are ready to devote all of your affection and loyalty to ME, call me. Until then, I wish you good luck; I'm not your gravy train anymore."
losinglove--I kid you not. I care about you in the sense of wanting things to work out for you and praying for you...but you are letting this woman use you BIG TIME all over the place, and sending the message that she can treat you however she feels like it, never have to work at the marriage, and you'll take it!
That is not mature, loving, Christian or honoring your vows!! You are her HUSBAND, not her doormat. Do you love her enough to LET her walk experience the difficult things she needs to experience so she can grow and be a better woman? Or are you going to continue to let her use you so she can avoid her life lessons?
Now, before you run out of love for her entirely, allow her to get angry, yell and scream ... and after her tantrum is done, maybe she will stop, look around, and realize she has to grow up. Seriously, she had decided already. She can choose to devote all her affection and loyalty to you TODAY or she can pack and move out TODAY, because right now her actions are telling you her decision.
Sorry to hear things suck for you LL. Concentrate on you and the kids. fun stuff for them...heck, fun stuff for you
Life will get better, be a rock for those kids...be in good mental shape for them, make things as 'normal' as possible for them. Be careful not to let your frustration or hurt with you wife reach them.
Things will get better for you, pain will subside in time, smiles will come easier and bigger...
Okay. Now what? Will she be back tomorrow to see the kids? Is this what we call a separation? She needs space. Just how much. I have been doing my reading and the biggest problem with a separation is that often times it is too short. I am going through this now. Figure more than a month. If she is having an affair, the separation could last until the affair burns out. Six months? No groveling, pleading or begging. Back off. Stay strong. Your kids need a good role model. Be confident. She is the one making a mistake. Take this time to make progress on learning how to behave better. Reduce the negatives, increase the positives. Just an idea. Work on these things with your children. Play with them. Snuggle on the couch watching a movie. Don't just kiss them on the forehead when you put them to bed. Give them a real hug...EVERY night. Have genuine conversations with them.
I have a suggestion on the text messaging. Too impersonal. My wife was doing that to me for the first three weeks after she left. When she found out I had spoken to our friends about her ongoing affair she texted me. My reply was, "I don't text." She called me. We have been talking on the phone since. (Of course, I am not getting anywhere, but that is beside the point.) It was a small victory for the NEED to communicate.
Re: About ready to quit 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
