oh, sorry, reading things really literal right now. Takes less thought.
She say she doesn't know what she wants. Says she loves him, but does not want to break up out marriage. Not only that but OM is trying to work things out with his wife and want no contact with my wife. I don't think he has, at least knowingly given she has who knows how many emails with different names, both M and F.
She's gone. I'm hurting. Kids are upset. Life sucks right now.
She has been telling me I'm not second to him. I have always called her on that using her own words. She still doesn't get it.
Don't know if I want her back. I am so something with her right now.
The very first thing I want to say to you is that I'm sorry she has chosen to leave and I am very sorry you are hurting so much. I am very grateful that you are able to be there for your children, and they for you. Yes, I know they are children, but you can draw an incredible amount of courage and "will to go on" by having your children with you.
The second thing I would say is that I think it is time for you to move into the Consequences Step (aka Plan B). In this step you would write one last letter and it's very important that it have these things in the letter: 1) you recognize the things you did that harmed the marriage; list them and list what you've done to correct those issues (what you plan to do so the fix is ongoing and permanent); 2) indicate that you're willing to make the effort to make a new life but to do that you need her to end her relationship with OM COMPLETELY; 3) until she is willing and able to COMPLETELY remove the OM from her head, heart and life, you will be unable to contact with her in any way nor will you be meeting her needs--and X and Y have agreed to be intermediaries; 4) as soon as she is willing and able to completely excise OM from her life, she can contact intermediaries--if she needs to communicate something about the kids, she can write it in The Parenting Notebook ; 5) end with love and commitment that can only grow once the OM is gone.
Here is an example:
My Dear Disloyal Spouse,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OP possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your relationship with OP once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends, Jane and Paul, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.
I as you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OP, and I simply can not be with you any longer knowing that you are with him/her. I still love you but I can not see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OP and are willing to follow the measures that were suggest to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are seeing OP.
Do I really want to write the letter? Do I really want her back? She is just waiting and hoping he will come back to her. Should I just let her be and let her know I want nothing to do with her? Don't talk to me unless it has something to do with the kids.
I had the letter dropped off to her by a mutual friend Wednesday evening.
Last night I got the kids to bed then got on the computer and ran a couple of the old WoW Raids with a couple friends (yes I play a little) then went to bed.
When I woke up this morning someone was in bed next to me, curled up with her head on my chest. WTF, where did you come from, how did that happen. Yea I was pretty tired but you think I would have woken up from that. No it wasn't a girl Blood Elf , it was my wife.
I got up and got ready for work then left, didn't say anything, I was/still am in shock. What do I do now? Tell her to get out?
Well, if you still want her back, welcome the change. But make it clear under what conditions you do want her back. You'll have to have 'the talk' to clarify that you can only accept her back if she's done with OM and willing to prove it to you.
Turnera - I don't know if I want her back. I just keep thinking about this morning when I woke up.
She left a note in my bag.
"How do I get him out of my head. I wish I had a switch on my heart so I could turn him off."
I don't know if she is still at the house. I am guessing she is since the kids are there.
AC you mentioned this earlier about being willing and able to completely remove him from her head, heart and life. I am pretty sure she is going to bring it up, if she is still home. What do I say? "Make the choice to do it." "Come to counseling with me." "Go to a counselor for yourself."... any/all/none of the above?
MB recommends that a returning WS do a few things that help them mentally start the process of 'turning off,' including writing OM a No Contact letter that she lets you read and you send; handing you her passwords to her computer and phone so you can check if you want to; starting a process where you start talking honestly about your marriage and what's wrong with it, so you can make the walk together on the path to affair-proofing your marriage. If she's willing to do those things, you have a fair chance.
losinglove, you also have to answer all those questions and doubts running through your head. But the biggest issue I can see is if you can handle the fact that you were option B or C or Z only cuz the OM rejected your wife? This is the biggest question you have to answer truthfully to yourself.
Personally, i could never live with the fact that I was option LAST on her list. But that is a question you'll have to dig deep in your heart to see if you can forgive enough to get past it.
If you take her back and she becomes the perfect wife again, you'll have to be able to bury all these doubts real deep and move on or else it'll eventually poison your marriage to the point that you'll resent her for the rest of your life no matter how perfect the marriage becomes.
Everytime she's home late, doesn't answer your call or text, stares at some random guy too long, makes an innocent comment about another man, seems distant, how will you handle those situations?
CH, those are the questions I am asking myself. I don't know the answers right now. But I don't want to lead her down a path and at some point when things are looking better say - sorry, I can do this.
I'm going to take a little bit of a hard-nose approach here. This may not be your "style" but here's what I see happened. She left you. She valued the fantasy in her head more than honoring her vow and she chose to leave. The moment you stood up for yourself and asked that she honor your request for no contact, not only did she not honor your request respectfully, but she let herself into the house uninvited and into your bed uninvited.
She DOES have a switch to turn the OM off--it's called a CHOICE. She can choose to take actions that stop herself from thinking about the OM and gradually end the feelings. Unfortunately, she chooses to not make that decision, and she chooses to continue to hold onto the OM. She could just as easily make the decision to discipline her mind so that every time he pops into her head, she writes a loving text to you...or every time she feels a twinge of missing him, she replaces that with gratitude and love for you.
Your wife has this unrealistic view that feelings "just happen" and that she drifts through life at the whim of things that just happen to her. She has no control--her affair was unlike any other and she's so unique no one can tell her what she could do to change... because, since she has no control, she has no choice but the ride along with whatever is doing this to her. Honestly that is unadulterated poppyc*ck! She is an adult and she has a choice. She is making the choice to hold onto feelings (and thoughts) of the OM, and she is making the choice to place that above honoring her marriage commitment.
losinglove, it is time for her to understand that her choices have CONSEQUENCES. You are right and Turnera is right: "Make the choice to do it." "Come to counseling with me." "Go to a counselor for yourself."... ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!! Write OM a No Contact letter that she lets you read and you send if you see the need; hand you ALL of her passwords to her computer, email, facebook, chat IM's, forums and cell phone so you can check if you want to; start a process where she starts talking honestly about the marriage and what's wrong with it...ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!
If she's there when you get home I strongly suggest that you conduct this somewhat like a business transaction, so put on your solid steel heart guard! Then say:
"I asked you to not contact me until you are willing to do the work that is required to completely remove the OM from your head, heart and life. That includes writing a no contact letter to the OM that you give to ME to read, giving me all your passwords and complete access to all your online and cellphone activities, personal transparency about your whereabouts and being open with me, on a daily basis CHOOSING to discipline your mind to think of me and us whenever a thought of OM pops into your mind, going to marriage counseling with me, and going to individual counseling for you. After all that we've been through I require a partner in my life who will devote all of their affection and loyalty to me, and I'll accept nothing less. Are you willing to do all those things starting NOW?"
If her answer is anything other than yes...ask her to go. Period. She can contact you when her answer is yes.