Yes, you heard correctly. Tonight I am meeting friends for dinner/drinks. One of them happens to be the OW that my H had an A with last October. (Recap for those that don't know my story - H had an A with one of my very good friends last fall. The day her H found out was the day it ended, he has not seen or spoke to her since and they are working their marriage out as well. She and I have met one other time, right before Christmas for her to apologize in person, tell her side, etc.)
WHY? Well, since she was a friend this not only affects our friendship but other friends in our circle of friends. Only 1 other couple knows about it. All others don't know a thing. So tonight the OW and I, the friend who knows and another friend who does not. How will it go? Not entirely sure. The OW had asked me a month or so ago if I would consider it. The 4 of us used to get together every few months for dinner and hadn't in a while. (obviously)
Is this completely stupid? maybe or maybe not. For me, I forgave my H, he is very, very sorry and very much in love with me. SO, is not fair to try to forgive her as well? I will NEVER be as good of friends with her as I once was - we won't be speaking daily and going places together all the time, etc. BUT can I meet her with other friends for dinner or other social outing from time to time, perhaps. I told her I would try it but won't make any promises.
We'll see how it goes. My H is just afraid it will take me back to being upset and reliving things - he may very well be right. WHo knows.
Don't do it... the OW is trying to save anything she can, she had no problem hiding what she was doing with your H and now seems like she wants to pick up where she left off. Your H is right, it will only bring back ugly memories... you need to heal and be away from what hurt you, it's one thing to try and mend things with your husband for whatever reason you are doing so, but they both betrayed you, no need to keep those people around you... Im not having the best luck in my relationship but I can tell you that Im definitley not associating with the women my bf was involved with.
I understand where you are all coming from. Perhaps I am just wired differently but it wasn't that bad. I, too, was thinking as soon as I saw her, I would feel hate or sadness. What did I feel.....nothing. We were celebrating two of my other friends birthdays, so the focus was on them.
I agree about all the betrayal, etc. But honestly, I am SO over all that crap. He lied, she lied - what they did was horrible, no argument here. I agree completely. I am still very hurt by that and will always be. BUT again, I could stay in that sad place or just get over it and move on.
Perhaps it's because I know I am partially to blame. Our marriage was not in a good place and I wasn't being the best wife. So, I know that the A occurred because of the state our marriage was in. As for her reason for it, well that's very weak. Her marriage wasn't in a bad place. But, that's not my problem to try to deal with, that's theirs. That's why her H has had such a harder time dealing with all this and has even been on medication and in the hospital.
All I know is that my marriage is SO much better than it was. In fact, it may be better than it's ever been. Sometimes I guess you learn the hard way.
TRUST ME, I could easily go back to that day (and do many times during the week) and rekindle all that hurt and anger but what good will it do? I just force it away. Most will think I am crazy but for me, it's kind of empowering. Because by doing so I feel strong, and not a victim.
I think that she is doing it to get your forgivness and closure for herself and her own selfish reasons. I dont think that it has anything to do with you its all about her. I think that you should just blow her off she wasnt your real friend in the first place obviously! you know what I mean I had a good friend betray me to and would I do what she did to me NO WAY cause I was her friend and Obviously she wansnt mine. And to all of our friends that are still with her well I am sure that they took a step back and said wow would she do that to me? so I am sure they are think that with your situation also!
Well Mommy2...if it makes you feel any better, i was the one that had the affair with my friends H and what I wouldn't give to be able to say I'm sorry and have drinks with her and tell her that. One day I will write a letter and tell her how bad I feel, but right now I know it wouldn't do any good. Good luck and hope it goes good and I commend you for wanting to meet with her even if it is just to talk.
I don't know if I could do it, at least not yet, it's only been less than 6 months....
Right now I would probably kill her......
You must be a very forgiving person and I realize what you are saying I look at it as well to finally get the marriage that I have always wanted with my husband.....
I try not to think to much about all the lies and betrayal but I think if I had to share an evening my mind would just waunder a little to much....
Sidewayz, I'm very proud of you for saying what you said about some day sending that letter to the BS.......give her a bit of time and then send it.......if it were me getting that letter I would appreciate the honesty and the ownership of your actions....the fact that you even would think of helping her emotionally and yourself says you have learned what you did has hurt her and her family in a needless way......
That says you have regained your integrity and that is never a bad thing.....
Seriously this would be VERY hard to do. I think in your place I'd send the same email to my two friends and say
"I'd love to get together with you two, but getting together with the woman that had an affair with my husband 6 months ago is not my idea of an evening out with friends. Have you already invited her?"
No don't care if you already know they have or not...
Unless of course you are a sadist ... and in that case ask them to bring the waterboard and bamboo shoots as well
It's been almost 6 months for me too. Honestly during dinner it was fine. My mind didnt wander really. As mentioned, we were catching up on work, kids, etc. Since that night my mind has been wandering a bit more but I am doing okay. More than anything I am just sad at times. My marriage is fantastic now, what it should have been all along. So sad that it wasn't that before, sad that my H made the horrible decision to stray, sad that I picture sometimes his handsome face with her.... BUT I just have to remember that he loves ME and always has. I have to enjoy and appreciate the marriage I have and remember how much I have to lose. There will always be that sadness in my heart knowing that our marriage is "tarnished" in that way. I just hope the happiness we have found can overcome that. I suppose there are many marriages that have never dealt with infidelity but yet, are miserable and not as happy and close as I am with my H. I keep replaying our MC words that she used to describe the A - "the Horrible/Wonderful thing that happened to our marriage." It truly was....
Sidewayz - I appreciate your honesty. I have met with her one other time and allowed her to apologize. I know she feels bad but as you can probably understand, part of me is not ready nor do I know will ever be to understand her actions. Sorry, just can't fathom doing that to a friend. Can't grasp how anyone could do that. Sorry.
OneMarriedGuy - only 1 of the friends knows of the A. We are keeping it quiet. We have this circle of friends that extends quite a bit with everything we used to do together - golfing, vacations, BBQ, etc. - so since both couples are keeping their marriages together, we wanted to keep it quiet. (it's complicated) We have had to have some contact to keep up the facade at times. (text/emails, etc) I get what you are saying but I don't feel like a sadist in the least. I never said I wanted to be close friends with her again. Just wanted to be strong enough to be at events together when the situation arose. (graduation parties, weddings, etc.)
Sadist? Hardly - one tough cookie I'd say! I am proud of myself that I can do that. Again, not going to be a regular night out.
Be thankful that this OW has given you the gift of a MUCH stronger marriage - and also realise that you and her both thought your husband was WONDERFUL to hug and cuddle and have sex with.
I would like to see you rebuild your friendship with this OW, and in time you might get quite a surprise that you two can get very close and share a lot of good times together.
Unless you forgive both of them completely, your marriage won't heal properly, and you will continue to have doubts and insecurity about your Husband's attractiveness to other women.
Forgiveness clears the slate, and a fresh start can happen.
You can't promise that you won't (yourself) one day find yourself in the position of a handsome stranger suddenly flirting with you out of the blue; and the chemistry gives you goose bumps.
Around 70% of married women get "offers" from men, and not all can turn the offer down, especially if their marriages are going through a rough (or boring) phaze.
Um, wow - not sure I can find the right words but here goes. I am very happy that my marriage is stronger but [I]thanking[I] her for the GIFT isn't on my list! (I would have preferred a nice pair of shoes!) And the realization of her getting to experience how WONDERFUL my H is? REALLY? That's the sentence that through me for a loop. Maybe I am misinterpreting it but can't for the life of me understand how or why I should realize that?
Curious to know more of why you think rebuilding a friendship would be a good idea? Also, can you elaborate on how my relationship with my H can't heal properly if I don't forgive her completely too? I have forgiven my H but again, can't forgive her 100% yet. And I don't really have doubts or insecurities about my H's attractiveness towards other women. (as strange as that sounds) Maybe it's because He has always been very attracted to me - I just wasn't reciprocating those feelings to him or allowing him to show his love and affection towards me. My H didn't stray because he didn't find me attractive - he found me unavailable.
And I have plenty of handsome men flirt with me and give me that sudden rush of excitement. However, I am one of those women who IS strong enough to turn them down. It must be the same strength that I am able to overcome this obstacle in my marriage and move past, learn from and grow. The same that allows me to get past this and not let it define me.