It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-01-2013, 02:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

Hi,

I found out some information over the weekend that really threw me, and it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Among things I would like to understand are: why after so many years does this bother me, and should it bother me the way it does.

My wife and I have been married 32 years, have been faithful to each other the whole time. This has been very easy too as we are very much in love. Here comes the wrinkle. Before we got married we lived together for a few years and due to the nature of my work I did have to work out of town on occasion. On a number of these trips, I suspected upon returning home that someone had been keeping my side of the bed warm. There was no truly hard evidence or a proverbial smoking gun, but I did notice small little things: objects out of place on my night stand, radio on the night stand (used only for an alarm) tuned to a different station, items out of place in the bathroom that being male related my wife (then girlfriend) would not touched, different make of beer and soft drinks in the fridge.

I didn't mention anything the first time I noticed this, but the second and third time I did. I was pretty sure from the little clues and queues that her old boyfriend was taking my place while I was out of town working. My wife (girl friend) vehemently denied this. After much discussion, I said "okay, I believe you" - or something similar. We were married and have been together ever since.

Now 32 years later and out of the blue, I find out she was sleeping with her old boyfriend, in my bed, while I was out of town. My wife now openly admits this and wonders how I could be so petty as to bring up something from so long ago. What she was well aware of then, and now, is that had I known that then, had she honestly answered my questions, we never would have even spoken again, let alone dated again, and marriage would have been totally out of the realm of possibility.

I have to admit I'm a bit confused. We have been faithful since we were married. Yet for some reason this really upsets me. I don't want to say "okay, let's bag the marriage and go our own separate ways", but I do feel deceived, and though I hate to even say it, our marriage is technically built on a foundation of lies as we never would have married had these facts been known.

Am I being petty? Is it normal for something like this to bother me after so long? Maybe I'm the one who needs help.

Thanks,
jud
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

It is normal because you just found out about this to her it was a long time ago.
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

How can you be so sure she's been faithful...
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

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How can you be so sure she's been faithful...
Hmm...polygraph?
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

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Am I being petty?

had I known that then, had she honestly answered my questions, we never would have even spoken again, let alone dated again, and marriage would have been totally out of the realm of possibility.
You've answered your own question.

In essence, you married her under false pretenses; you would not have married her had she not lied about it; and rightfully so.

Yeah, I think that's a pretty big deal.

I'm not suggesting that you divorce her; unless she doesn't start demonstrating remorse about what she did to you.

So far it doesn't sound like she has. Perhaps it's time to give her a wake up call.
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

Quote:
Am I being petty? Is it normal for something like this to bother me after so long? Maybe I'm the one who needs help.

Thanks,
jud
This is subjective and you will get every answer in the world. What's important is how you and your wife feel about it and how you two deal with "your" issue.

Here's the way I see it. You "thought" you two were exclusive. Did you talk with her about it? Because unless she agreed to that, you don't have much of a leg to stand on. You may believe it was "implied". It may be why you feel betrayed.

Unless there was some agreement, you really were not betrayed and these feelings are on you. You have to deal with them. The best route may be to talk to someone like an independent counselor. This could tear you two apart.

It's only as important as you make it since you were not married. If there was no agreement, you are on your own to get the help you need to move past it.

Edit: Missed that part BadMemory caught. "shrug" sorry.
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

You feel the same as if she had been cheating on you yesterday, because YOU just found out. She's had decades to reconcile things in her mind. You have not. It's as fresh a wound for you as if it had just happened.

If she doesn't get this, then yes, she needs a wake up call.

I would also like to know how you are so sure she's been faithful ever since??
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You feel the same as if she had been cheating on you yesterday, because YOU just found out. She's had decades to reconcile things in her mind. You have not. It's as fresh a wound for you as if it had just happened.

If she doesn't get this, then yes, she needs a wake up call.

I would also like to know how you are so sure she's been faithful ever since??
Right now how can you believe a word she says?
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

Regardless of how long ago it was and whether or not you were in an exclusive relationship then, to you it feels like it just happened, so you are not being petty. If your marriage has been exclusive then this should not derail it, but both you and W need to treat this as a real issue and not just something silly that no longer matters. Because to you it does. Don't rugsweep.
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

Personally I find this just shocking.
How can your wife expect you not to feel shocked and hurt and betrayed.

This is new and painful for you...she's known for 32 yrs. It's old news to her.

Does she lie and deceive often so she can get her own way or was it just this once (or how ever many times she shagged the ex)?

Or maybe you don't know...took 32 years for this wee gem to come out...what other secrets does she have?

How can you trust her now? About anything?

Poor you

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Old 10-01-2013, 02:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

Hi,

How did you "just find out"?
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Old 10-01-2013, 03:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi,

How did you "just find out"?
Just curious how you found this out this past weekend.
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Old 10-01-2013, 03:24 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

What is petty is your wife springs this on you and then expects you to be OK with the idea she is/was a cheater?

She needs to eat crow and chew down a good portion of humble pie and remove the entitled princess attitude.
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Old 10-01-2013, 03:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: It's Been a Long time - Why Does it Bother me - Should it Bother me

Your wife has no other defense than to turn it back on you and call you petty. Deep down she is scared you will leave her and her cushy life will fall apart.

If she would lie to you so callously and allow another man to sleep in your bed, who knows what else she is capable of? I too would wager fair money that she has had other affairs throughout your marriage. I think a polygraph is a great idea.
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Old 10-01-2013, 03:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I think a polygraph is a great idea.
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Yep, first part of her overdue wake up call.
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