Can't get over him after Emotional Affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-03-2010, 01:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Can't get over him after Emotional Affair

I had a four month emotional affair last summer with a co-worker. We mutually ended it because of a lot of guilt. We never had sex but there was a lot of hugging, kissing and some touching. Most of the connection was through talking & emails but was starting to become more physical. Prior to the EA, both of us had been dealing with difficult relationships with our significant others. He has a long term gf and I am married. I know we were both seeking happiness because we weren't happy in our current relationships. I am now in marriage counseling -- not because of the EA (because my husband never found out) -- but because the affair made me realize my marriage needed counseling.

Its been 5 months since we ended the EA but I can't get the guy I had the affair with out of my mind. I see him at work at least twice a week & we have maintained a cordial working relationship. I start to feel better on the days I don't see him but then all my feelings come back when I see him at work. I have gone into a small depression & just do the minimum to get through the day & do what I have to do as a Mom to my kids. But, this is so unlike me. I am normally a happy & active person. I have always been the "good girl" -- never even tried drugs, rarely drink, have been faithful for 20+ years (until the EA). I am learning that the saying "you reap what you sow" is so true. I am a mess inside.

I am hoping I won't get a bunch of response bashing what I did because I can't change the past. I am hoping to hear from other people who have been through an affair--from the cheaters. I know the pain the person being cheated on feels because you see that all over the internet. But, I am hoping to hear from those who were the cheater. Do you ever get over the other person? How long does it take? What can I do to get over him? I don't know how to let go. I know leaving my job would be the best answer but right now I can't do that because there are no other jobs that pay what I make working part-time. I will be leaving in about 2 years, but for now, am stuck. If anyone can give me hope that I will be able to move on, that would help. Thanks.
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Old 04-03-2010, 07:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't get over him after Emotional Affair

hmmmmmm.......first off I'll say sorry ;-(

I can't relate because I never did touch, feel, go see, etc another woman, but I do know how it feels to constantly think about someone. I've just learned to live with it!!

I love my wife dearly, we have tons of fun, great physical and emotional relationship, date nights, trips, plan our futures together, but I still think about my "first love" and always have....10+ years now.

We are FB friends, but never talk, chat, have not and will not exchange numbers, because it would be wierd. We are both happy for the other and except for commenting on a pic of the kids (hers or mine) that's as far as it goes. We talked about the past once which helped and now it's just a "nice photo" etc.

We are both very happily married, but that doesn't mean I don't think about her and wonder how she is. There are times I would like to talk to her more, but know that would be wrong and crossing a line. It's my choice to live with this and like I said it's always been there.

I hope your marriage get's better. I can't say if you will ever forget you "EA friend" you may always wonder? I do know the better your marriage is the less you will think about him and possibly one day forget completely.

Good luck!! Prepare for some stern advice on here though.
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Old 04-03-2010, 07:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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If you truly value your marriage, you should sit down with your hubs and talk to him about it and talk to your counsellor as well. I know things aren't the greatest in the world now a days, but you may want to consider seeking other employment if you can't forsee getting over him, even if you absolutely cannot talk to your hubs about it. Getting totally away from the OM may be one of the only ways you can get past him.

There was a time when I wasn't there for my wife as I should've been which led her to exchange inappropriate emails with AM, however there has never been any direct contact with her and him as we reside in different states. I have since changed my ways drastically. Even tho the thoughts of that are still there, I forgive her completely and I don't blame her at all for what she did as I do believe it was partially my fault for the way I was. Once she explained that she was not as happy with our marriage as she could've been, I completely understood and now that I have taken the steps to correct my past, she has since told the OM to stop all inappropriate contact.

Overall, your hubs needs to know how you feel if you are indeed not happy in your marriage. Communication is key. Best of luck and I hope this helps.

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Originally Posted by pearl18 View Post
I had a four month emotional affair last summer with a co-worker...
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Last edited by BigMT; 04-03-2010 at 07:40 PM.
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't get over him after Emotional Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhGeesh View Post
hmmmmmm.......first off I'll say sorry ;-(

I can't relate because I never did touch, feel, go see, etc another woman, but I do know how it feels to constantly think about someone. I've just learned to live with it!!

I love my wife dearly, we have tons of fun, great physical and emotional relationship, date nights, trips, plan our futures together, but I still think about my "first love" and always have....10+ years now.

We are FB friends, but never talk, chat, have not and will not exchange numbers, because it would be wierd. We are both happy for the other and except for commenting on a pic of the kids (hers or mine) that's as far as it goes. We talked about the past once which helped and now it's just a "nice photo" etc.

We are both very happily married, but that doesn't mean I don't think about her and wonder how she is. There are times I would like to talk to her more, but know that would be wrong and crossing a line. It's my choice to live with this and like I said it's always been there.

I hope your marriage get's better. I can't say if you will ever forget you "EA friend" you may always wonder? I do know the better your marriage is the less you will think about him and possibly one day forget completely.

Good luck!! Prepare for some stern advice on here though.
Okay, thanks very much for your encouraging (and non-harsh) words. I appreciate your thoughts. I have to tell you that you are so wise to not cross lines with your old girlfriend. I respect that a lot. I never thought I would cross a line either and I just want to tell you to stick to your values. An affair not only reeks havoc on your marriage but also on your mind. It changes everything. You can no longer think of your spouse in the same way. Even though my husband & I were having a ton of problems (he was abusive), the EA just shifted everything in my mind. I can tell you from experience, the temptation is so not worth it. I wish you well too and hope you remain happy. Again, thanks because you might be right that I just have to live with it.
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't get over him after Emotional Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigMT View Post
If you truly value your marriage, you should sit down with your hubs and talk to him about it and talk to your counsellor as well. I know things aren't the greatest in the world now a days, but you may want to consider seeking other employment if you can't forsee getting over him, even if you absolutely cannot talk to your hubs about it. Getting totally away from the OM may be one of the only ways you can get past him.

There was a time when I wasn't there for my wife as I should've been which led her to exchange inappropriate emails with AM, however there has never been any direct contact with her and him as we reside in different states. I have since changed my ways drastically. Even tho the thoughts of that are still there, I forgive her completely and I don't blame her at all for what she did as I do believe it was partially my fault for the way I was. Once she explained that she was not as happy with our marriage as she could've been, I completely understood and now that I have taken the steps to correct my past, she has since told the OM to stop all inappropriate contact.

Overall, your hubs needs to know how you feel if you are indeed not happy in your marriage. Communication is key. Best of luck and I hope this helps.


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Okay, thanks very much. This helps. I am in marriage counseling & individual counseling too. I finally told the counselor (after 3 months of counseling, about the EA). I was hesitant to tell him but glad I did. At this point, the counselor has suggested not sharing the EA w/my husband because there are so many issues between my husband & I and the counselor feels my husband will use the EA to shift the blame to me when is actuality, our problems have existed for years. At some point, I may tell him.

I did try to switch locations for my job but it didn't work out. I make very good money for p.t. ($33 an hour), and there is nothing else I could do to make that much. We have 4 kids, so I am pretty stuck right now. I know that I SHOULD leave work. I know that would be best.

I give you a lot of credit for being so understanding to your wife. You sound like a great guy. Its very hard to explain how an EA starts. I take responsibility but I will say that you kind of get swept up in it and are in deep before you know what hit you. Good for you for forgiving her.

I have to say that my husband is trying to change w/regards to the abuse. I feel guilty because if he had done this before the EA, I know things would be so much better for us. But, after the EA, my mind is pretty messed up. I feel completely numb to my husband right now. I do know that our communication is terrible. We hardly communicate at all anymore. I am very unhappy but am scared to tell him (even though he knows it in a way cause of counseling), because of my values and our kids. We just keep going through the "motions" of being married but neither of us are happy.

I appreciate your thoughts. I am going to try to work on the communication more.
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Old 04-05-2010, 12:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't get over him after Emotional Affair

Pearl 18 - I feel like I almost wrote your post...but the difference in mine is that I got caught. It should have ended way before that happened but we were too far in it. The bad part is was it was a friend and I was friends with his wife. Which is even harder to deal with now. He consumed my every thought for 7 months and still does. As wrong as I know it is. I keep saying that If he called me today and said he wanted to be with me, I probably would. But he has chosen to move back in with his wife and work on it and finally had to come to terms with that and respect it. I no longerr have contact with him because of that, but yes, still have to see him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and not sure how to stop that either. It does make it easier now that we don't communicate so in that regards with you, I know how hard it must be that you have to still work with the other guy.

As far as your husband goes, Im not sure I would tell him about the EA. It just makes it harder. I do think that you are doing the right thing with trying to work on it without him knowing, but making it about how you feel about your marriage rather then the affair. I know in my situation, i'm having a hard time with my husband getting over the affair and thinking that is what messed up the marriage when in fact it hasn't been right for years before. He keeps throwing that in my face. We have been seperated for 3 months now and my feelings for him have not changed. I do not miss him and basically going back to a few days at a time cuz i feel guilty and sorry for what I have put him through and we do have 2 kids as well.

I'm sorry for what you are going through and hope that you will be able to get overe it soon. I don't think I helped you very good, but it helps just to know others are going through the same thing. I am new to this and so far some of the posts I have read help but then I read another one that I relate to, and it changes...LOL. Would like to see how it goes for you and would like to know if you do stop thinking about him what you did as well. I need some good advice as well.
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Old 04-07-2010, 10:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't get over him after Emotional Affair

Pearl 18, I know exactly how u feel, U posted me the other day sorry for taking so long o get back to u. All I can suggest is try tostay away from the friend at work as much as possible. I wouldn't tell your hubby either right now, I did tell mine because I had dad it and was going to leave anyways, but then it was xmas and my eldest boy was coming home from university, not good timing on my part,my friend also was in pain over our situation and almost left his wife, but he is religous and he felt he would loose everything as well. his house, business and kids. Yes we also have 5 kids between us so we had to think long and hard about it. My husband freaked out a couple of times oh ya I was very sick too, so needed surgery and maybe cancer so everyhing was bad. Thats what made everything come to blow for me I just wanted to be happy now!!!!!!. Anyways try to work things out with your husband, u have to communicate with him, let him know u r ready to walk and hopefully he listens, mine never did until the ea, he says it woke him up, finally. I actually am geting my husband back, the man I married, not some drunk that wouldn't let me know what is troubling him for the last 15 yrs. Good luck keep posting it helps. I care so keep me up dated, listen to the people on here but like the other guy said, they r pretty bruttle some of them, U and I r on the wrong side of the fence for some on here, if u know what I mean. Good luck and u have to work on it.
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