need (very belated) advice after my wife cheated

Deejo · 04-14-2010, 09:33 PM

Love and forgiveness are wonderful things ... without a doubt.

You shouldn't be focusing on either at the moment.

Your wife chose to blatantly lie to your face - on multiple occasions.
She is having sex with another guy.
Instead of feeling guilt or remorse - she wants to cut a deal, in which you agree to continue letting her screw someone else.

I hope you are offended by the language, but it shouldn't be anyone here posting that you find offensive.

Time for a bit of self-respect. People get caught up in this notion of 'taking the high road' or not wanting to 'upset' the wayward spouse.

If you want results, and to have your wife re-engage you - then you cannot deal with her as she expects you to deal with her. Her knowledge of who you are, led her to choose an affair in the first place. You REALLY need to understand that.

No pleading, begging, crying, or cajoling. It's like blood in the water to a shark. She will simply take another bite out of you, swim off, and keep screwing M.

F*ck the high road. And f*ck her. You need a little anger and aggression in the mix. Honor, and nobility work in your favor when you are moving toward divorce - but to end the affair, and create the circumstances where reconciling may even be possible, using kid gloves, being nice and playing fair will only assure a protracted, long, slow, death of your marriage.

What the hell is going on with your kids while your wife is off carrying on with another guy?

Do they know? If not, they should be the first people it gets exposed to, given their ages. If you don't. She will paint a picture that simply says 'dad and I grew apart.'. She will lie to them too. Expose it. Big. She gets angry? So what? That means you hit a nerve. It isn't about revenge. Those that think that this step is simply sour grapes are entitled to their opinion.

The sooner you take responsibility for your own independence and needs, and take concrete steps to dismantle and not enable her little fantasy, the better off you will both be, whether you reconcile or not.

OhGeesh · 04-14-2010, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RWB

As soon as I found out about my wife and her affairs, I shut it down. Phone, credit cards, joint accounts, retirement, you name it. I moved her to a friend's house the same night. She had been living in a fantasy for 6 years with multiple men. I called the kids (all grown 24, 22) and explained who Mom had become. I even offered to drive her to Atlanta to her former college boyfriend. If this was so important to lose me for him to feel young and free, I gave her an out. If it was so bad, she could leave. I basically outed her from my life, her former deceitful life. She saw in 24 hours what the "rewards" of her wicked ways were. No Husband, No Children, No Marriage, No Security, No Respect, No Peace or sense of Family. This may seem rather harsh but we had been married 30 years and I had been hit like a homeless person by a semi truck. I didn't want to play the script of the betrayed husband. I would not wait or play the role. I took a chance. Risky to say the least in her state of mind.

I am not saying this is the "best" way to deal with a spouse in an affair. I am saying that in the end there can only be ONE! I read here about giving time, winning them back, let it pass, etc... Yes this may be true. But in the end there can only be ONE.

You and Her.

There can only be one I agree.......just the means to a end are a little different. So, did it workout between you and your wife? Or no?

turnera · 04-15-2010, 09:26 AM

RWB, thank you for sharing that. I get so much resistance from betrayed spouses, when I advise striking hard at the affair like you did. The biggest fear is 'he/she'll be mad at me.' Uh, duh, they CHEATED. Who cares if they are mad?

In fact, they NEED to get mad so that the truth can come out. And they need to understand that the cheating will NOT be accepted, that the betrayed spouse has more self respect than to be a doormat.

It's the only way.