I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my wife and my actions/lack of actions. I know I have not always treated her as I should have or met her needs. The other day she asked me why it took this to "wake up". I have asked myself that and tried to come up with an answer over the past weeks but I come up empty or with what just sounds like excuses.
How do I answer this so I don't sound like I am pushing blame back on her?
That is a standard question -- I heard it myself. Why did it take this to wake you up, which is really the "you didn't love me enough before" why now.
It is difficult to answer this/these questions. And the answer is most likely going to be that we didn't communicate well together. Neither side, because she believes she did, but obviuosly not in a way that you understood the seriousness of her concerns. It isn't anyone's fault alone.
I am new to this forum, so I have no idea what has happened in your marriage, but I may be able to help.
My husband has also admitted frustration with not being able to see things clearly until the 11th hour. The way he has explained it, when it all comes crashing down, somehow clarity becomes available. An analogy would be, if a person was to find out he only had one week to live, it would be incredibly easy to identify what's important and forget the small stuff. Crisis in marriage can feel the same way. When all is about to be lost, the small stuff falls to the side and the love is spotlighted.
I don't know if this applies to your situation at all, but hope it helps!
Say something from the heart. Like, In a life or death situation you realize what's important to you. And sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone. And she is worth it!
Oh, and don't make excuses either.... Depressed, Work, Etc...
losinglove, I am in a very similar situation. My wife had a drawn out (actually 2 long term) affairs over 3 years. I know that many of the neglectful and hurtful things I did over the years contributed to the situation in which she made those bad choices.
Yes I have changed so much, and asked her forgiveness for my neglect as well. As to how to get her to understand or trust that it's permanent? I don't know. I think it takes time. For awhile after everything came out into the open and we began thinking about and trying to work on our marriage she wasn't sure that the change is me was real or would last. Now I think that she does trust it.
Now for her she hasn't asked "why" it took this for me to wake up. SHe has just accepted that it did. I could be wrong but if she is really beating you up with that, "why did it take this?" then imho she might be trying to deflect some of the blame off of herself for her affair.
One thing that I am lucky about is that we have neither of us tried to deflect blame. She accepts full blame and guilt and responsibility for her poor choices, and I accept full blame and guilt for my poor choices that contributed to the situation. We both are working on healing and getting better, and things are going great.
I wonder myself ... "why was I so blind to the hurt I was causing?" or "why did it take this to wake me up?" Ultimately though they aren't really profitable questions. All I can do is live each day and do my best to make her happy, and be loving towards her, and vice-versa. So far that recipe is working wonders for us.
Losinglove; I am also a wife that has been asking the same question to my husband after 20 yrs of marriage. I had a 4 month ea with a friend and was ready to give up and leave everyone because of the way I was treat
ed. I would try talking to him, yelling, leaving nothing seemed to work, but then when I started to have a nother male interest, and my husband confronted me about it, I told him the truth because I'm not a lier, then he cared!!!!!!Why does it take another person involved in our lives before the partner gets the message?????
I think (don't take me the wrong way and u asked) I think it had alot to do with the male ego and just good old compitition. In women just good old jealousy. I could be wrong but my husband has also told me the whole thing woke him up real sudden and he doesn't know why either. Good luck if u figure it out let me know for sure.
I agree communication was one of the big problems.
I asked her a couple days ago why she didn't do whatever it took to get my attention instead of having an affair. She said I thought I did, even after I slept with him I tried to tell you we were having problems. Honestly, I don't remember this.
I jokingly/seriously said, and excuse me, why didn't you grab me by the balls and get in my face. She just kind of laughed.
I'm going to go out on a limb and be a little personal here okay?
To me it felt like my DearHubby chose his ex ahead of me (she's sort of scary--I'm easy-going). I tried to explain this that he often hurt me so she wouldn't get mad, but he'd explain WHY rather than hearing that is was going on.
To me it felt like DearHubby cared about a certain game more than me. I had to pretty much set myself on fire and dance naked and even then he'd say "put yourself out". I tried to tell him and he'd explain WHY I was wrong and he did love me more.
To me it felt like I thought I was marrying a person who was like ABC and afterwards C went away, then B, then A and I was in a position of being USED not cherished and appreciate. I tried to tell him and he'd explain why it wasn't so.
SOOOOOoooo...my guess is that your wife did try to tell you, and she may have even been straight forward and to the point! But for some reason rather than hearing: "DANGER WILL ROBINSON! THIS IS SERIOUS!" you heard just another topic and just replied like talking about the weather or something. So yep it's going to hurt her that it took a 2x4 upside the head for you to get it, but you did get it and that's what counts. Before it was something like a theoretical idea--NOW it's real and could really happen so you get it. I'd concentrate on that.
What a bunch of bull. So...you weren't meeting her needs. She should have demanded MC or divorced you. There is NO excuse that justifies adultery.
No one here said that there is an excuse, and judging by your screen name I will assume you are taking it personally because you are going through it. Guess what? So am I. My wife of 16 years had 2 separate 1 year+ affairs on me over the last 3 years, and we are still healing from it. And guess what? While she bears full responsibility and guilt for choosing to have these affairs, there absolutely were issues that I contributed to the marriage that caused the situation in which she made those bad choices.
Guess what? Since everything came into light I have had to change just as much as she has ... and you know what? Our marriage is doing great now. The simple fact is that in 99.99999% of marriages where there are marrital issues, and infidelity, there are issues that both partners need to address. That does not excuse the actions of the one who cheated, nor lessen the guilt/shame that they should and have to deal with. It does though help address what needs to be worked on in order to save the marriage.
Very, very rarely, if ever, is the fault of a poor marriage all on one side.
I guess my point is your marriage could have been doing great too if she the two of you went to MC instead of her having extra-marital affairs. But your right....most healthy, happy marriages don't have these issues. I personally have had many opportunities to cheat on my wife and never did. Something called integrity and morals prevented me from doing that.
What a bunch of bull. So...you weren't meeting her needs. She should have demanded MC or divorced you. There is NO excuse that justifies adultery.
While there ARE people on this site that try to 'justify' adultery - (that is, try to make it the only MORAL choice) - not a single one of the responses on this thread have even HINTED at such a thing.
Adultery is an IMMORAL choice people make out of several that they have when the situation arises (there are also other immoral choices available.) But it is one that happens often - because it is very easy to fall into the trap. When you are most vulnerable - and someone comes along who seems to have the answer to your problem, it is very easy to fall.
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I guess my point is your marriage could have been doing great too if she the two of you went to MC instead of her having extra-marital affairs. But your right....most healthy, happy marriages don't have these issues. I personally have had many opportunities to cheat on my wife and never did. Something called integrity and morals prevented me from doing that.
Silly me.
The only silliness I see is the pride that comes from someone who is so self-righteous as to think, 'thank GOD I am not like that adulterer over there.' What comes before a fall? What was it...oh yes - pride! Whatever. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
If they had a great marriage, they wouldn't need a counselor, nor would an affair have happened. It's because of issues in the marriage that things like lying and cheating occur. These do not happen when both partners are satisfied and happy.
The restaurant analogy: If you go to a great restaurant and eat till you are satisfied and full - and then on driving away, you see another great restaurant - what are the chances you will stop and go in for another meal?
The point we try to make on this website is NOT to justify affairs - but to point out that in order to make your marriage affair proof - you need to work on the marriage. Both of you, because BOTH of you are involved in the problems that bring about the affair.
I am not involved in your particular thread, betrayedhusband - but I can tell from your comments here that communication in your marriage has been...strained...to say the least. Your wife knows what you think about her - and she did before any affair. I suggest you look into removing the telephone pole from your eye before trying to pull that speck out of hers.
Please...come over to my thread and give me your honest opinion. I'm not as bitter as you think. I agree with you...we had communication problems in our marriage among many other things.
How do I answer this? 
I tried to tell him and he'd explain WHY I was wrong and he did love me more. 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
Re: How do I answer this? 
