I'm Sick of my Internet Cheating/chatting A__ husband

Angel2010 · 04-08-2010, 12:03 PM

A couple of weeks ago, I told you that my husband purchased a new labtop for himself. He did this in my opinion so that he can have his "Privacy" to surf whatever porn sites his heart desire and chat with whom every he like. The ONLY time he gets on his laptop is when I am not around. However, A couple of days ago, I opened his laptop and confirmed my suspisions. I saw that he had three different chat sessions going, one of which was an ex-girlfriend. I have pleaded and talked to him about this over and over again. Now I'm at the point that I don't give a damn anymore. I love him, but I'm not going to be made a fool of. I even confronted her as well, but they continue to keep in touch regardless of what I say. He states there are a million things he could be out in the streets doing, but he is at home and I know were he is at all times. He refuse to stop talking to this ex-girlfriend. He also has stated that her three year old daughter could possibly be his. Since all this has occured, I have re-opened my accounts on different dating sites. Since he wants to continue to surf the porn sites and chat with other women on Yahoo messenger, I'm going to start chatting as well. If this leads to divorce, then so be it. The difference is, I'm not going to hide not a damn thing from him. I will show him better than I can tell him. I'm just tired of the BS. It will only be two years in May that we have been married. We also have a 10 month old daughter caught up in this mess. i really just feel like leaving, but i know this would not be fair to my little girl. Any suggestions. PS i have mentioned counseling to him a million times.

amanda1959 · 04-08-2010, 12:22 PM

Becareful Angel you could really just hurt yourself by acting out this way. I would try and go about it a little differently. We all know that we can get a man on top of us in the blink of an eye. Is that what you really want? This is usually what you get when you are in the "Revenge" mode of operation. You are right about the ex-girlfriend but it is a whole other kettle of fish if he is the father of this girls child...that will never go away. I would do the following:
1) request transparency on the laptop and cell phone so you can see his history and absolutely no chat lines! they are a downward spiral
2) get dna testing on child to verify if he is the father
3) spend time with your precious baby and do not argue in front of the child, they hear and sense more than we realize
4) love yourself enough to know that there is a higher place for your relationhip to evolve too in time

MyDog8em · 04-08-2010, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amanda1959

Becareful Angel you could really just hurt yourself by acting out this way...

I agree with Amanda. I would not sink to his level by starting to chat myself, this will only make things worse for the both of you. Best of luck.

OneMarriedGuy · 04-08-2010, 01:27 PM

I agree with Amanda1959. YES your husband is totally out of line but...

Be the person you want you to be. The one that you would feel proud of and would be a good role model for your daughter.

What is most fair to your little girl is to give her a loving environment to grow up in... for her to see how a healthy marriage relationship works. To let her see how her parents love and respect each other.

So the question is ... can it be with you and her dad or not? I'd suggest (rather than create a warzone) that you create an ultimatum zone. Either he can stop his other relationships and commit to working on yours and counseling or else. (sometimes husbands don't hear until they get hit in the head with a large brick like this) Do not threaten. If the "or else" is you moving out with your daughter, or kicking him out or filing for divorce so be it. But be prepared to really do whatever your "or else " is. And for everyone's sake - don't do it in spite.

Angel2010 · 04-08-2010, 01:48 PM

Thank you all for your responses...and after reading them, you all are all write and I do agree. I task now is to give him an ultimatium. I plan to do this this weekend. The only problem is that we have other children that I didn't mention. I have a step daughter that we are raising and two son's from a previous marriage. I relocated and moved in with him after we were married, so I would need to move. I know that this is what I'm going to have to do as he thinks in his mind that he has not done ANYTHING wrong. Our kids are going to be caught right in the middle of all this mess, but i don't know what else to do. He wants me to act as though he is not doing anything. I can't pretend and act like I don't know what he is doing. This is driving me in sane..I get so mad I just want to take that laptop and throw it out of our second floor window so that it hit the concrete.

OneMarriedGuy · 04-08-2010, 01:57 PM

I wish you luck. If he does not go to counseling with you, I'd suggest you going on your own. It will help you in so many ways.

How to talk to your kids about it and make them feel loved and help their adjustment. Help you to help you to adjust and concentrate on you and the kids instead of the anxiety you are in now.

Ya never know - maybe the brick will work and the two of you can can begin a long process of healing and remembering how to love each other

Tanelornpete · 04-08-2010, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Thank you all for your responses...and after reading them, you all are all write and I do agree. I task now is to give him an ultimatium.

If I could add a note or two - before you give an 'ultimatum' - make sure you know exactly what you want and what you are dealing with.

For one thing, if your husband is chatting with women, he is carrying on multiple affairs. This means that you can approach this entire situation the same way you deal with any other affair.

The issue is sex - he has formed a habit (addiction) to this form of sex, and as such, he will need to address this if he wishes to stay married to you. Question is: do you want to work on your marriage?

I ask that, because if all you are wanting to do is make him stop chatting and viewing porn, you are merely trying to control a behavior of which you do not approve. People do not respond favorably to control.

So you'll need to figure out: 'Do I want to save my marriage' or do you just want to make him stop doing something that annoys you. This distinction is important because it will determine what kind of 'ultimatum' you use.

If all you want to do is control him, tell him to quit the chatting and viewing porn or either he or you move out.

If you want your marriage to improve, let him know that you are aware of his cheating, and your request is that he stop it and begin work on the marriage with you and if he does not wish to stop - or refuses, or denies it - let him know that the consequence of this action will be that you will have to separate.

The two options are similar - but in the second one you specifically let him know that he has a choice of working on the marriage or losing you. The first option simply tells him that he must stop his actions or lose you - no mention of working together is relayed. It is simply you controlling him.

Quote:

The only problem is that we have other children that I didn't mention. I have a step daughter that we are raising and two son's from a previous marriage. I relocated and moved in with him after we were married, so I would need to move. I know that this is what I'm going to have to do as he thinks in his mind that he has not done ANYTHING wrong. Our kids are going to be caught right in the middle of all this mess, but i don't know what else to do.

The kids are already caught up in the middle of things, so your task should be to work toward teaching them the right way to deal with things.

Just keep in mind that there is most likely a reason why he is acting this way - this sounds like 'escapist' behavior - he is trying to avoid something that is bothering him. It could just as easily be heavy drinking, or drugs, or anything else. This is the path he has chosen - which probably indicates that the problem is a sexual one - maybe not 'getting enough' or feeling like family life intrudes too much on your intimate life - who knows.

This is the only constant: unless he stops this behavior and turns back toward you, you won't be able to fix things.

OneMarriedGuy · 04-08-2010, 02:39 PM

Good points Tanelornpete!

Angel2010 · 04-08-2010, 03:05 PM

Tanelornpete THANK YOU for your response! I was really wanting your imput. You ALWAYS hit the nail on the head. You bring out points nobody else does. Tell the truth...your really a Therapist aren't you? lol Anyway, to be honest I think part of it is control and the other is I really want my marriage to work. I married him for him....it wan't even a physical attaction. I fell in love for who he was. I liked him for him. Not for what he had or what he could do for me. I'm currently in the process of finding us a counselor. WHen I told him about going to a counselor, I first suggested that we go see a counselor individually. He stated if he go to a counselor, we have to go together and not by ourselves. Again he doesn't feel he has an addiction; therefore, he doen't need to talk to a therapist about port and chatting to other women.

Thank you again Tanelornpete for your input!!

Tanelornpete · 04-09-2010, 05:52 PM

Hey - if he is willing to go to a counselor with you - take him up on it! Get a good marriage counselor (one that is pro-marriage) and go for it!

And no - I'm not a therapist! I'm a marriage coach - different focus. Still - thanks for the kind words. Made my day. And I think I grew a couple hat sizes....