Does the cheater hurt too?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-05-2013, 02:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Does the cheater hurt too?

He cheated on me in February and on September 17 after 2 years of marriage he admits that he's no good for me and wants to leave. We've talked here and there, mainly about what we're gonna do with some of our bills since he moved back east. Between all that we talked about how we're doing. Of course he knows I'm broken hearted but he asks me how I'm doing and keeps telling me to get out of the house to keep my mind busy. He also admitted that though he messed up and initiated the divorce, it's hitting him hard as well. He admitted that there are days he has a hard time getting out of bed and forces himself to be around people to keep his mind busy. At a gas station he ran into a woman who reminded him of me and he had to get out of there before he got too emotional.

I believed him when he told me. But....should I? Could he be sincere even though he threw our marriage away? Guilt? Do the cheaters really get hit hard when they realize that they ruined a good thing?
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Old 10-05-2013, 02:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does the cheater hurt too?

Quote:
I believed him when he told me. But....should I? Could he be sincere even though he threw our marriage away? Guilt?
Yes, guilt is what people feel when they're guilty.

And, yes, sometimes the cheater recognizes that he screwed up, big time, and he lost something very, very good by trading it for something worthless.
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Old 10-05-2013, 05:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You are wondering whether he will seek reconciliation. His statement that he is not good for you may well be the truth.

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Old 10-05-2013, 05:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does the cheater hurt too?

Your husband sounds a bit like mine. For my husband, this behavior is a product of his supreme ability to compartmentalize. If that's the case with your husband, he may genuinely feel terrible about what's happened, regret his choices, and want you back - when he speaks with you or interacts with you. But he may feel none of those things when you're not around.

I believe that many cheating spouses do eventually feel deep regret and remorse for what their choices have cost them, their spouse, their families. But not all of them do.
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Old 10-05-2013, 05:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does the cheater hurt too?

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Originally Posted by SepticChange View Post
He cheated on me in February and on September 17 after 2 years of marriage he admits that he's no good for me and wants to leave. We've talked here and there, mainly about what we're gonna do with some of our bills since he moved back east. Between all that we talked about how we're doing. Of course he knows I'm broken hearted but he asks me how I'm doing and keeps telling me to get out of the house to keep my mind busy. He also admitted that though he messed up and initiated the divorce, it's hitting him hard as well. He admitted that there are days he has a hard time getting out of bed and forces himself to be around people to keep his mind busy. At a gas station he ran into a woman who reminded him of me and he had to get out of there before he got too emotional.

I believed him when he told me. But....should I? Could he be sincere even though he threw our marriage away? Guilt? Do the cheaters really get hit hard when they realize that they ruined a good thing?
Oh, yes, they can.

Just ask the FWS on TAM. CantSitStill and Empty Inside for two.

And though my own stupid revenge affair was a reaction to my wife's affair (I know, I was wrong to do it) my own affair hurt me more than my wife's affair did. It was my affair that put me on Prozac for a while,not hers.)
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does the cheater hurt too?

Regret because of what the cheater loss, is still selfish. Regret because you destroyed the one person you swore to love and protect is divine, but seemingly all too rare.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Oh, yes, they can.

Just ask the FWS on TAM. CantSitStill and Empty Inside for two.

And though my own stupid revenge affair was a reaction to my wife's affair (I know, I was wrong to do it) my own affair hurt me more than my wife's affair did. It was my affair that put me on Prozac for a while,not hers.)
CSS's husband here.
M&M is right,some really do see exactly what they did and the hurt they caused.
EI but they do seem kinda rare.
Men and women alike.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Cheaters get hurt when they're busted, yes, for their dreamland comes to an abrupt end and shatters like stepped-on thin ice.

Just sayin'.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does the cheater hurt too?

As soon as the fog breaks the pain and self loathing settle in.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Regret because of what the cheater loss, is still selfish. Regret because you destroyed the one person you swore to love and protect is divine, but seemingly all too rare.
I was upset because I'd hurt my wife, my one true love.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SepticChange View Post
He cheated on me in February and on September 17 after 2 years of marriage he admits that he's no good for me and wants to leave. We've talked here and there, mainly about what we're gonna do with some of our bills since he moved back east. Between all that we talked about how we're doing. Of course he knows I'm broken hearted but he asks me how I'm doing and keeps telling me to get out of the house to keep my mind busy. He also admitted that though he messed up and initiated the divorce, it's hitting him hard as well. He admitted that there are days he has a hard time getting out of bed and forces himself to be around people to keep his mind busy. At a gas station he ran into a woman who reminded him of me and he had to get out of there before he got too emotional.

I believed him when he told me. But....should I? Could he be sincere even though he threw our marriage away? Guilt? Do the cheaters really get hit hard when they realize that they ruined a good thing?
Sure the cheater feels hurt. Many times cheaters cheat because their spouses have neglected their needs. Many of the "BS" here need to take a good hard look at how they treated their spouse BEFORE being cheated on. A lot of BS were downright neglectful and the when they get cheated in their shocked. Sure they say "he/ she should have talked to me" and blah blah blah....many of them have and the BS just didn't listen. BS may not have an active role in deciding to cheat but don't think for one minute that they're not guilty of the demise in the relationship that led to that terrible choice. I think too many time the cheater forgets about their own wants and needs during R . In many ways the cheater is much more hurt than the BS but they can't say anything because the focus is all on the BS and the hurt they feel. I haven't cheated on my wife but the way she treats me and has treated me in the past I could have easily gone down that path. Reading all the stories here I often think they the BS are incredibly selfish. It's all about them...always has been. THEY neglected their spouse. THEY now get to call the shots about R. Often times it's just a lot if BS. I think a lot of the BS here need to really look at how they treated their spouses before the affairs...I see my STBXW in a lot if the posts here made by BS....
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Old 10-05-2013, 07:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Cheaters get hurt when they're busted, yes, for their dreamland comes to an abrupt end and shatters like stepped-on thin ice.

Just sayin'.
Not always. I busted myself, I confessed to my wife the very next day. Not my proudest of moments.
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Old 10-05-2013, 07:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Yours was a revenge. That doesn't count.
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Old 10-05-2013, 07:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does the cheater hurt too?

If you are going to have a successful R, then they have to feel the hurt. "Lucky" for me my WW felt the “hurt" even before she confessed. I could tell something was eating her up inside for about week before D Day. It's been almost a year now and even though she tries real hard to hide it, I truly believe her pain is real.
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Old 10-05-2013, 07:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Yours was a revenge. That doesn't count.
Yes, yes it does count. Revenge affair or not. I should not have done it. I was so wrong to do it.
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