OK I'm totally baffled right now. I haven't heard from my H. since Monday and b/c he left in a really bad mood saying he's tired of living, I'm getting worried naturally. I tried the same password for one of his current emails and it logged me in. Gmail shows his last login was days ago, so I decide to call around to see if someone might know smth.
Back when I was doing my 'investigative work', I had printed out phone records spanning Jun - Dec. I also have a list of phone numbers saved on his old cell, so I matched the numbers with names and Googled the ones that were not in the phonebook. 4-5 random calls turned out to be women advertising sex on the Internet. The calls were all 1 min in duration, no incoming calls from these numbers. One stood out because that number was called a few times albeit 1min durations and it belonged to a 48-yr old woman who lives about 15 miles from here and advertised sex services on the Internet.
Naturally, I accused my H., called him disgusting and all that. He was devastated, claimed he never called any escort services, people he knew on the street used to borrow his phone to make calls so it could;ve easily been them. The woman's name was PB and her number was saved on his old cell as one of his acquaintance R. He told me R used to borrow his cell, so must've been involved with questionable women and was probably checking on them, or he was calling R as the number was saved as R's.
H. was so upset, he confronted R and got into a fight, according to him. R threatened him, did not apologize and etc. A big story that I doubted. I'm still waiting for some proof on this story that he said would provide but hasn't.
So today while looking at the phone numbers, her number brought back memories. I decide to call her up and ask if she knows my H. She usually never answers, lets calls go to directly to VM (from my previous experience), but I never left VM before. Her message she says she doesn't accept calls from private or blocked numbers so use *82 and etc. Also says her name.
I call and leave VM, she returns my call right back. I ask if she knows H. she says yes, she knows someone by that name, he's her son's friend. Then she says I'm 49yr old, if you think I'm messing around with H., that is not happening. I said sorry don't take it the wrong way, but this is what happened and I googled your number, the results show certain sex ads, your name is PB and etc. She says no that's not me, my last name is H, I'm PH, I have a live-in bf, he's here sitting right next to me, we've been together 3 yrs, I had this phone 2 yrs.
So I ask her son's name. Son's name is R. What a coincidence, right? I ask if he's in the Navy or was in the Navy, the answer is yes, again. I get totally confused and ask if son's friend in fact could be my H. The lady says son's friend speaks with an accent, so she thought he was from another country. I said no my H. is born and raised here, no accent, so it can't be him. I apologized and hang up. She said she will ask her son.
How could this be?? What is the probability of this lady not being the woman who placed the sex ads? Is it possible she would not admit to being a sex worker? Is it possible my H. thought he was trying to get hold of his acquaintance and hers was the only number he had available to reach him? And when I confronted him about calling sex services, he didn't know how to prove his innocence so he made up lies and dug himself even deeper into a hole he can't get out of? She says she had this number for 2yrs, so how about all the recent ads? Why would she lie to me? It doesn't make sense at all.
H. came tonight and just left, says he'll come see me tomorrow. I'm not gonna worry about him anymore, it's been too stressful lately.
H. says R. in this situation is a black guy, but according to the lady, her son R. is half filipino and half-white. So weird... I have a feeling that I will never know the truth about this story. I had asked him to take a polygraph, he agreed at first but later when I found a polygraph service he expressed his mistrust for the test. Says it's not 100% accurate and I didn't push it further.
I was able to maintain my calm tonight, so reasoned with him to consider getting tested again. I also went to see my Dr. Thursday and asked her to contact H's Dr. She said she will do it, but cautioned that if his other tests come back negative, he will have more ammunition to gun me for infidelity.
But I see it as a win-win situation. If he tests negative, I will know for sure that I have no syphilis, my test results are false-positive. If he tests positive, then my innocence is proven and he gets treated. I already know of his infidelity, so it's not going to deliver another blow to me. The only good that can come out of this is the assurance of us or me never having had this horrible disease.
Then if he wants to blame me, be it. He knows in his heart that I have not slept with anyone else. He likes to blame me in the heat of things but knows I'm not the cheating type. It was evident tonight when we had this discussion and he understood it. So he's going back to the hospital on Tuesday.
He's asking me to let him come home and work on the marriage. I have my divorce papers ready but can't file them just yet. He's opening up a little by little and admits to personal stuff he never told me before. Says he's been working on himself, reading books on marriage, and sees how he's been immature. He's saying all the right things, but I don't know how to deal with this.
Why should I let him move back in? Who knows he only wants the comfort of the home, not me? I want him to suffer the consequences. I mean, we could work on the relationship without living together, right? I want him to prove he can change, get his life together first, no matter how long it takes, then come ask me for marriage again.
On the other hand, if he truly wants to change and work on the marriage, will not living together hinder the progress? Is it better to work on the marriage while living together or while being separated? How should I proceed with the situation at hand?
I don't even understand why I'm listening to him and not just filing for divorce already.
Can you afford $200? If you can, tell him that you and he will be doing phone counseling with Dr. Harley from the marriagebuilders.com website. He has counseled tens of thousands of couples going through the same stuff you are, and has a phenomenal track record - he doesn't waste time talking about your childhood and all that - he just finds out what's wrong with your marriage, and gives you steps to take to fix it - or not. It is REALLY worth the money. If nothing else, it will help you see if the marriage is worth saving.
Thanks for offering a great advice Turnera! I will mention this to him next time. At this point, we really need some force to propel us in one definitive direction, otherwise we're at complete stalemate. Our talks are leading nowhere: I have one foot out the door, but he doesn't want to lose me. I'm looking forward to Dr. Harley's guidance, will keep you posted.
I would absolutely expect this woman you called to lie about an illegal profession. Although I would also expect her to protect any clients. If you husband was actually a client, I wouldn't expect her to say "yeah, I now him."
And her knowing someone by that name - but who has an accent - the whole thing sounds really truly crazy.
I knoooooow... I've been telling my best friend this whole thing is bat**** crazy, I' feel like I'm in a soap opera, and she can't believe what I've gotten myself into, says I'm like the last person to be found in stupid circumstances like this.
H. still can't explain this hooker situation and is sticking to his story, says why do I have to bring it up every single time. If he was her client, it's even more strange. She's a 49yr old woman showing her sagging tits on the Internet! I would not even imagine H. considering her attractive. Come on, how low can one go?
And considering all what he put me through, he doesn't want me to get a male personal trainer. I've been wanting to tone my body and gain a few extra pounds, so I signed up for a gym membership and am starting my training today. He says he doesn't want guys touching me, no way, get a female trainer. It makes me mad to think how jealous he can be. He used to be so jealous, put me through emotional hell accusing me of stuff I never would imagine doing. Was always scared I would meet someone else, that I would stray and change on him. Now in retrospect, I feel like he was projecting a lot of his problems onto me. It sucks.
I feel like investing the $200 towards filing a divorce.
Yeah, that's why I find it hard to believe all what he's saying now.
I also can't understand why his mom or moms in general would not like to be involved in her/their son's affairs. I mean, I understand he's a grown man and his mom really can't change him and doesn't have control over him. It's his life, so he should be making his own choices and decisions.
But if my daughter-in-law called and told me son was lying about things, I would make it my priority to do all in my power to at least put some sense into his head. His mom can't fly due to health reasons, so it's very inconvenient and near impossible to travel coast to coast, but still... I wish she would've stuck by her initial reaction/decision to come over here and talk to her son in person.
I know there's a cultural difference too. I don't like how parents and in-laws can be overly involved with their children's lives in my culture, but I think it's also wrong to distance themselves in situations like this. Oh well, what can I do.
OK here's the last straw - I've been holding this back for fear of appearing such a fool - but decided to disclose it here.
Our relationship is entering the 8th year, but I just found out last Friday that he has a 12yr old daughter from a previous relationship. Can you imagine that? I feel like such a fool for being so blind and naive. I had a pretty sheltered life and never been around people who lied or never really been exposed to bad stuff in life, u know. I accepted my H. for who he was, never thought to question his words and believed everything he said to me. Because his family lives so far away, I never really got to know them well. It was just the 2 of us over here minding our own business.
I think he would not have disclosed this to me had I not discovered it myself. A stack of his notebooks and papers are still at home, so I decided to go through each one of them in search of something (hoping to find more evidence of infidelity and dishonesty, I guess) last Friday. He loves reading motivational materials, takes notes, and likes to write down his goals and dreams, visualize them and etc. I never went through his stuff before, so I was in for a surprise.
In a couple notes, he mentions of being able to pay someone's college tuition in full. It's obvious he's talking about his child, unless he has a favorite niece. So I ask if that's true when he comes to see me. He says he didn't tell me for fear of losing me b/c many women reject men if they have children. It's not like he was a single father, you know? Why was I not given a chance to make the decision of staying or leaving based on that fact? I said I don't have a problem that you have a kid, but the fact you misled me and hid it from me all these years is intolerable.
After we met, my mom went to a psychic which is pretty common in my culture. And she was told there was a child. I asked my H. and he said no, I "knew" he doesn't have one, so I assured my family no, there's no child in his past... what do psychics know, they're just bs-ing. and etc. b/c I don't believe in psychics. And a couple yrs ago I had a dream of him having a child with another woman, told him the next morning, he said it was nothing.
So, turns out he talks with her occasionally (not sure whether he's lying as well) and sends money when he can. Again, says he was going to disclose it to me someday (which is total BS, I think) and he went through so much hurt when her mom took her away, so didn't want to relive that by bringing her into a discussion with me. Says I would not have understood, I would have left him. Says when his grandfather died, his children learned they had another sibling b/c someone showed up at the funeral. So he thought it was OK to keep it to himself and not involve me in his business. I mean, who does that, right? I feel like I was just a temporary attachment, not a real part of his life.
I couldn't keep this to myself, so told my gf and we both agree that this is just not how people operate. If he can keep something so major from me, what else is he capable of, I will never know. This is the reason why I'm soooooo leaning towards divorce.
Whew... I let it out of my chest. I always thought he was a good guy, so it's tough to be dealt with this BS right now.