Suspicions
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-07-2013, 12:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Suspicions

So here I sit. 1:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. For the last week I have had suspicions. Nothing that I can prove of course, but they are there. I have looked at her text message logs on the cell phone provider and there are numbers that I do not recognize and lots of texts starting when she first wakes up, before she even texts me in the morning until she goes to bed. She never leaves her phone away from her except when it is plugged in when she goes to bed. Her computer and her emails has a different password, her reason being that she changed them because she thought one of the kids knew them. She started classes back in December, that is when she said she was not attracted to me or anyone for that matter. She has accounts that I know she has that I have no idea what money is in. I work out of town for a two weeks at a time every month and lately she has been treating me like crap when I come home. Nothing concrete but it all just sets my gut on fire. I just feel like she is setting it all up to just walk away from me. Our oldest turns 18 in Feb and the youngest of 3 is 10. We have been married 20 1/2 yrs. Am I just crazy, or is she stepping out? We went to therapy three times, she would not really talk at therapy and told me at the end of the third one that she did not like the therapist and it was a waste of our time.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

You are not crazy set up voice activated recorders throught the house and 1 in her car. You will get some answers then.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

I even went so far as to call one of the numbers that I did not recognize that she was texting a bunch. Turned out it was a girl that she is going to school with who has become a real close friend of hers. Got voicemail and hung up. Had planned to ask for somebody else if someone had picked up.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

I cannot see her talking to the person in the house, one of our kids would overhear. Plus her telephone is not showing calls to the numbers just texts. The one time I was able to look at her texts, none of the people in her text logs matched with the times that the texts were coming in.

Something is up though, I just know it. She will not sit in the same room with me. But has no problem sitting in the living room to watch TV with our son.

Last edited by Gonna Make It; 10-07-2013 at 12:38 AM. Reason: Added info
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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Originally Posted by crushedandbroken View Post
I cannot see her talking to the person in the house, one of our kids would overhear. Plus her telephone is not showing calls to the numbers just texts. The one time I was able to look at her texts, none of the people in her text logs matched with the times that the texts were coming in.
Put one in the car then.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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She never leaves her phone away from her except when it is plugged in when she goes to bed.
Protection of the phone is the number one sign of a cheater.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

I know that a LOT of the texts are going on when she has to run to the store to get something or go into town to pick up our 12 yr old from church or something like that.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

Whether she's cheating or not, you have a whack of problems. She told you almost a year ago that she's no longer attracted to you. I'm guessing your sex life sucks as well, based on that. She's got money hidden away from you. She treats you like crap. And most importantly, she's refusing the only thing you've mentioned to try to fix the problems in your marriage.

So what are you hanging to your "marriage" for?

C
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

Because I am an idiot who loves her.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

The voice-activated recorder is the number one way to get evidence of the cheating.

If all they do is text, it won't work.

Since you don't have a clue, you really don't have a basis to say that.

There are a lot of apps that will hide call and text usage - they will show as data usage, not as a call or text.

What you describe sounds like she deletes some texts and is using a cheater app to hide some.

I don't see how the voice-activated recorder can hurt. It might not help, but it can't hurt. Buy a couple, put one in her car, swap it out with the other one every day, and give it a week or two.

Sounds like she has close girlfriends at the school. She probably is confiding in them about the affair, or they are encouraging the affair.

The VAR in the car will give you the truth. You will either hear her in the car with her affair partner or one of her girlfriends, or you will hear her talking on the phone to her affair partner or one of her girlfriends.

If you are going to focus on any given phone number from her phone bill, it is typical for the cheaters to contact the affair partner first thing in the morning and then also be the last one they contact before bed every single day. Send a message like, "good morning sweetie, I love you, see you soon at school," in the morning, then "I love you, nite-nite, sleep tight, sweet dreams, I will be dreaming of you" before they go to bed at night.

Do not discount the chance that she could be involved with a woman. If not an affair, a "deep" friendship with a woman who is lesbian or bi.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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Originally Posted by crushedandbroken View Post
Because I am an idiot who loves her.
Are you allowing her to remain so distant from you because you fear if you push her to be closer to you and treat you like a husband, she will leave you?
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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Are you allowing her to remain so distant from you because you fear if you push her to be closer to you and treat you like a husband, she will leave you?
Basically, yes. And I am afraid that I will lose my kids. She and my kids are my world. No friends... Just work and them.

I really do not know what I would do if I lose them. But I am afraid of what I would do.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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I know that a LOT of the texts are going on when she has to run to the store to get something or go into town to pick up our 12 yr old from church or something like that.
You are up at 1:30 am sleepless anyway, so if you are going to be awake anyway, do some research.

Get the last three months of her phone bills. Cross out any phone number that you know is OK - like her mom, or you, or your son.

For the ones you don't know, log all phone numbers, dates, and times on a spreadsheet. Sort the spreadsheet by phone number, by date, and by time, and look for a pattern. Texting the same number, the same day, at the same time. This is assuming she's not using a cheater app to text.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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Basically, yes. And I am afraid that I will lose my kids. She and my kids are my world. No friends... Just work and them.

I really do not know what I would do if I lose them. But I am afraid of what I would do.
Well, you don't have to confront her if you are afraid of losing her, even if you find out she is cheating. But at least you will know. And maybe it will help you to do something about it.

The first step is getting to the truth. Then you can decide what you want to do about it.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicions

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I know that a LOT of the texts are going on when she has to run to the store to get something or go into town to pick up our 12 yr old from church or something like that.
My guess is that just about none of these "run to the store" texts are to her mom, to you, to your son, or to other people familiar to you, but rather all to the strange numbers you don't know, making plans for meeting up with her friends and affair partner.

What kind of school - college? Does she spend a lot of time at the school each day? Does she do her homework at the school or at your house? Does she spend less time with the kids now than before, even when she is home?

It sounds like you have a roommate who you are not really friends with, and you both go your separate ways, and don't even really ask each other about what each of you are up to.
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